How to be a Better Wife (Without the Guilt)

I'm excited about the conversation we're going to have today. Good, because I'm a little afraid of the conversation. I am not afraid. I'm excited to take this on, because it's a question that I hear from women. The question is, how can I be a better wife? However, men are not searching, how can I be a better husband? That doesn't mean that they don't want to be a better husband. It's that there's something for women that we are searching for, trying to figure out what is the right equation here. Sadly, I hear so much about the misinterpretations of Scripture, the misinterpretations that have been spoken over women with well-meaning individuals, as well as the lies that they've picked up along the way about where their value truly comes from. Why do you think, then, that question is so widely searched for? What's going on for women? If men aren't really searching for that, what do you think is going on for the average wife? I think, really, for women, that we get so much of our value based on our relationships. Specifically, we want to be good wives. If we're all searching the question, it tells me that we're wanting to know, do we add up? Within our culture, I think because of social media and comparison, women in general have these ideals of what being a good wife looks like, versus the reality of, we don't have to be perfect. It's more about being growth-oriented and really continuing to grow into the best version of who God made us to be, which then overflows how we show up as a wife. Yeah, because you're saying, certainly, the comparison on social media would make sense. You find, when you're with your female friends, you guys are all hanging out, maybe having coffee together, does this come up? Are you hearing about maybe how one of your friends, how she's showing up in her marriage, or something that had happened within the marriage that caused you to go, yeah, I'm not doing that. Oh, I should do that. Does that happen, or is it more the social media comparison? I would say that happened earlier on, late 20s, early 30s, especially as you're adding kids to your family, that then the focus can shift from the marriage to the kids, especially if the marriage isn't feeling super safe, and maybe conflict hasn't gone well, or there's been hurt within the marriage, so what we do as wives, as women, often we focus our energy somewhere else, and either on our kids, or even building strong female friendships. But there is a lot of talk of how women are doing things, and so the pressure becomes, I've got to do it the way everybody else is doing it, in order to be the good enough wife. Yeah, so you've got to perform a certain way, or I'm seeing what seems to me all these idolized, or these perfect scenarios on social media. Right, right. And I think what's also influencing this is that the research is showing that this generation of moms, specifically, as well as wives, are the most anxious generation there has ever been. So anxiety drives, I've got to do more, I've got to do more, but yet we're feeling the weight of caring so much, and specifically as women, we internalize so much of the pressure of the family, of the marriage, of careers, all of it. There's a term for that pressure, and it's called the mental load, that women specifically carry, and the research shows men don't carry it quite as much. And it's not that a husband just walks around completely carefree, because I know husbands have their own type of pressures around providing, or protecting, but specifically for women, so often these pressures come out relationally. I think I know what you mean, because we've shared the story before to where during COVID, I said, hey, I'm going to take over the cooking. That's going to be my thing, my contribution, as we were all locked in. Which I loved, but you had really never cooked before. Yeah, but what I started noticing throughout the day, that I would worry about, do I have the right ingredients? What am I going to cook? What about the recipe? Do I need to run to the store? I had never experienced it, because you're such a great cook, that you are, and you did that so well that I always felt like, hey, you cook all clean, so I would do that part of it. But I would never fret throughout the day about cleaning. Is the sponge clean enough to do all that? Do I have enough soap? Is that more of what you're talking about? That one example that throughout the day, if I'm going to cook a meal for dinner, boy, I'm fretting. I'm worried. I'm carrying this additional load, thinking that through. Is that kind of it, or not really? Actually, they said during COVID, the research showed as well, that it was the women who carried the mental load of COVID. Like, is someone going to get sick? Did I wipe everything down enough? Did we go out in public and somebody was exposed to COVID? Because back then, we didn't really know what it was. But internally, we feel the pressure. So then, add in a pastor says something to a woman. She looks at how her mom lived as a wife, as well as her mom might be saying things to her like, oh, a good wife stays home, or a good wife does this for her husband. So it's these messages that we are inundated with. And I'm not saying that they're all bad messages, but some of these messages then are taken to the extreme. Yeah, that makes sense. I was even thinking about just a passive husband. In the Old Testament, you think of an Adam who was passive, didn't say anything, didn't challenge the serpent, didn't question Eve, just kind of went along with eating of the fruit, and look what happened. Or an Abraham, who when Sarah, nervous, will we ever have a child, why don't you then sleep with Hagar, and that'll work. He didn't question that, just kind of consoled God, just went with it. So I know that that's true for a lot of marriages, just passive husbands, which probably then puts that extra burden on his wife as well. It's going to contribute to all that. You're going to be searching for, okay, I've got to do it all, how can I do this better? I think that's the key of how can I do it better, because I've got so much. Because so many moms, wives are working full-time, as well as carrying the mental burden of the kids. How are they doing in school? Do they have friends? Are they involved in enough activities? And of course, our kids are involved in so much that it's typically the wife carrying that, not always, because husbands are absolutely, dads are in there, driving to practice, keeping the schedule, all of that. But we internalize it and carry the pressure. Yeah, I hear what you're saying. I mean, yeah, as you were joking about even COVID, those were not thoughts that I would have ever had. Right. Oh, I had them continuously. And we wake up at night, and then we don't sleep well. And because we start ruminating on, oh my word, did I pack the right thing for lunch? Oh, so-and-so has pajama day tomorrow at school, and I don't have the right pajamas for them. And I've had older women, younger women, sitting on my couch in my office, sobbing because they don't feel like they're adding up, that they hit the mark of the Proverbs 31 woman, or that any inclination of their spouse wanting to have sex, that they can't say no because they're exhausted. There's these messages that are most likely given in well-meaning scenarios, but they end up causing women to carry the weight of the world. Well, it sounds like, first and foremost, to doubt that you're measuring up, that you're good enough. Because even, I mean, we joke one of our very favorite stories that we tell is like two weeks into our marriage, where you ask me how you were doing as a wife. I mean, I've never put all that together, but there are only two weeks into our marriage, you're wondering, you're asking me, how am I doing as a wife? You end up making me rate you zero to 10. Zero to 10. Yes. And I look back at that young Erin, going all she wanted to do was add up. She wanted to hit the mark. She wanted to please. She wanted to be successful. And how did that young version of me know how to be successful? Other than what I saw my mom do. It's a stance that causes a lot of women just pressure and pain. And I love that in my 50s, I now know that my value comes from the Lord. Yeah. Yeah. That's really helpful. I mean, there's a lot going on. You could probably even add in exhaustion and just so much that's being done. You feel empty, worn out and probably drives that, therefore I must not be measuring up. A lot of fear. Yeah. So I remember two weeks into our marriage when you asked me that, I rated you a 9.3, which I thought was being so loving and kind and encouraging, going, look, I mean, no one's a 10, you're right. And yet how much- Devastated. Because you're like, no, I want to be a 9.9 or 9.9%. A 9.8 would have been good enough. Okay. So what, what can be done then? So you obviously can't turn off social media. You can't turn off. You can turn off social media. Yeah. You can, but, but, but, but you're going to, you're watching. This is not social media. You're seeing others. It's your peers. And yes. Yeah. Those, those, the Satan attacking, see if only you were doing more. Yeah. We hear it better. Maybe it's a working wife and she's hearing that her coworker has a five course meal waiting for her husband every night. So what, what, what can be done? Yeah. It's, I would say it has been the most freeing thing to recognize my value doesn't come from relationships. It doesn't come from what I do or don't do. My value doesn't change because God puts value in each of us and specifically creates us to be our own unique person with gifts and talents and our gifts and talents are different. And so when I look to him for my value that is there, whether I see it or not, it is there. And he speaks it down to me and reminds me of, you know what, Aaron, you are good enough because you're my daughter. Yeah. And so my shift then focuses from my external compass of how people see me or view me, especially my husband, because your opinion of me matters that more than anyone else's. And I want you to be pleased with me. I want you to like me. I want you to be connected to me. And so all of that is playing into it, but there's going to be times that you have your own stuff going on and you've got stuff in your individual yard that you've got to manage that you're not speaking praise, singing my praises that you're not happy with me. And the great news is I've now learned that it's okay. I can be okay because I can take care of me. The Lord is going to continue to speak his value down to me and into me. And my value isn't external, it's internal. So you're saying start from the place of what's true. Like how does God see me? First of all, my value, how he loves me unconditionally, all that. Yes. But also I imagine the part of that seeking truth is to understand that our enemy's lies. Yes. And what he's going to try to flood your brain with, the same old lying after lying that you just look at her, look at what they're doing. And drive that to where, right, if I'm hearing you right, you're saying a part of that, the response is to really speak against the lie or to continue to pursue God's truth. Correct. Of God, here's what I'm hearing, what is actually true here. Yes. How do you balance then? Because you talk so much about growth. I mean, you're a counselor. You're helping people grow. So you're not just saying, hey, don't worry about anything. You're valuable and that's all. You live your life in a growth mindedness. Right. So what does that look like? Because part of the question is, hey, how can I be a better wife? Yes. You're not saying, well, don't pursue growth, but how do you balance that? Yeah. The great news is as you get in touch with your value, then you're recognizing my value is not going to change if I do this or I don't do that. As you're settling into my value isn't based on what I do or don't do, then you have the opportunity to serve, to sacrifice. It doesn't impact your value. Right. So there's a freedom in it. Yes. Within that role. Yeah. It's super helpful to get feedback. Like, okay, so I want to be a good wife. How do I become a better wife? Oftentimes we'll ask the question, how do we have a better marriage? But I don't have control of what you do or don't do or the overall environment of the marriage. I have influence. And based on how I'm showing up, I can positively influence my marriage. But feedback from you, give me one thing that I can work on this year. Oh, God. That makes me want to throw up. That's what I'm saying. That's what I said earlier in the beginning that this is a scary conversation. That sort of feedback, I mean, it's my own issue, is just hard. I don't want to ever cause you to think that somehow you're not measuring up or that I... Well, especially after the 9.3 didn't go so well. Exactly. But what I hear you saying is that the question, how can I be a better wife, is either going to be motivated by fear and by the perfectionism and all that stuff that makes that pursuit impossible and harmful, or it can be motivated by, I want to grow. God, I want to grow more like your son, Christ. So within that framework of becoming more like Christ, what does growth look like? That's what you're saying. Hey, give me some feedback. That's not being motivated by a negative or a dysfunctional way. Trying to earn my value. Yeah. I want to continue to grow and be transformed into the best version of me. I want to look more like Christ. So how do I do that? He's even faithful to speak to my heart when I'm like, Lord, I'm getting the sense that I've been really busy and in some ways neglecting the time with you and doing all this other stuff because there's always something to do, especially as a woman. Versus, Lord, you convict me. And sometimes just in that ever so gentle voice, he'll say, yeah, you know what? You've been pursuing lots of, how come? What's going on that you're doing all these other things? Versus, you know what? Going home, enjoying an evening with you, going on a date, doing an adventure, whatever it is. And that is so satisfying to my soul when it's not a threat to my value. See now, 33 years later, of course I would rate you a 15 out of a zero to 10. But in all seriousness, coach real quick on the end here, coach a husband on how can we then support this reality, this journey? Sometimes I'm going to try to do a better job for probably not the right reason. Sometimes it's all about growth. But how can we be most helpful as your assistant? Because I know there's times that I try to do for you, like, okay, I'm going to do the dishes. I'm going to do the laundry. I'm going to make the bed. And I've created this super long list in my mind that I'm doing all this stuff, which should translate into, man, Greg loves me. And look how much he values me. But you had said something the other day that so struck me. You were like, yeah, that stuff is great. But sometimes I just, I need to hear what you see in me. So speak to that. How can we best support our wives in this journey? It's so interesting because I think of who comes to mind is someone I know she's in her eighties. And when her husband says to her, man, I'm so glad I married you. 50 years ago, I married you and what an amazing life you have been. And, you know, just speaking, encouraging words, words of life over your wife is going to, to fill her tank so much. And again, it's not that she can't be full without those words, but you're assisting. You're that's like the cherry on top of hearing what you see in me, that I'm working towards being the best version of me. You know, man, I see how much you're growing in this. I'm so proud of what you're doing. I'm so proud of who you are. I saw how you laid everything down and, you know, spent time with our daughter last night because she was upset. You know, I see you. And I think that's, that's part of the challenge. That I see you in what's true about you versus what you do. Yeah. Speaking words of life. Although it's nice to hear that you see what I do too. Yeah. I mean, that's a gratitude. Like, yes. So I should be thanking you for all of it, what you're doing, but I'm hearing you say that in those moments that I see you and notice, boy, you know, you did this and that illustrates this amazing character about who you are. It sounds like that that speaks volumes. And that's how we can be a good assistant to you on your journey. Erin, this has been really good because I mean, this has inspired me to be thinking about, you know, what can I do to continue to assist you? And I love that we're going to have that conversation, but what about you? Maybe you've discovered some ways to have that conversation or how can we share in that mental load that a lot of wives take on? So whatever it is, let us know there in the comments section. So my prayer friends is that as you listen to this, that it takes maybe a little bit of the pressure off and that you recognize your value comes from the Lord. He put it there before you took your first breath and it's not something that is earned. However, we can focus on instead of perfectionism, focus on being growth oriented and continuing to become the best version of us. Don't forget to subscribe. We have weekly videos to help your family thrive in Christ.