Doug Wants to Play Football Again

Hey babe, how was practice? It was good. It was fun. Interesting. What are you making? Well, it was going to be chicken and rice-a-roni, but I burnt the rice, so we're looking at chicken-a-roni. You know what I realized today? How much I miss football. How much I miss having it a part of my life. You mean the ten hours you watch every Sunday and getting it done? You'd think it would, but no. I'm talking about the contact, the smell of the grass. Oh my God. I'm going to go get us some Taco Bell. Don't worry about me. I'm going to just eat something light. Apple, maybe. You mean like apple pie? No, an apple. I think I just need to start getting in better shape. I thought you wanted to see how big you can get and still wear jeans. I don't know. I was just thinking about what you said the other day when I was lying on the couch, that I should be more active. That's why I picked up one of these. The Nassau Rebels tryout waiver? Yeah, you remember the Rebels? No. Sure you do. It's a semi-pro team. I remember the team. I mean, no, you're not playing football again. I think I am. What the hell is going on here anyway, Doug? I mean, you spend one afternoon running around with a bunch of eight-year-olds and all of a sudden you're turning pro? Okay, first of all, it was semi-pro and there were a couple nine-year-olds there. Here's the thing. I promised Kirby I'd play. Why? Well, Kirby wanted to quit the team. So I made a deal with him. He'll keep on playing, or I'll do this. Does Kirby know that you're 36 years old and have a heart flutter? What are you saying? You don't think I can handle it? Oh, no, sure, you can play football again, but why stop there, Doug? Why don't you become a superhero? Captain Neck Fat. That's nice. How long you had that one in the holster, huh? You are not playing semi-professional football, okay? It is ridiculous. It's just on a weekend. And believe me, I can handle it. I've played football all my life. And by the way, you can't just say no, okay? I'll do what I want. I just need you to sign this, though. You gotta sign it. Why? Spouses need to sign. Couple wives sued. Whatever. We, the undersigned, hereby waive any claims against the Nassau Rebels for any bodily injury, concussion, paralysis, and or death. In case you didn't understand the form, these are all bad. It's gonna be fine, okay? I already called Danny. He's gonna train me. You know, he used to be a personal trainer back in the late 80s. Oh, now I feel much better. Peter, why didn't you tell me your slightly less fat, asthmatic cousin was gonna train you? Look, I am doing this, okay? Hefferlegs is back in town! I still need you to sign this, though.