Pokin' Fun Of Florida. Dry Bar Comedy

I'm originally from the state of Florida, but you already knew that because you could hear the white trash in my voice. I mean, I spent 29 years in Florida before I moved to L.A. I was, it was the summers. That's what killed me every year. If you've never been to Florida in the summer, it's like spending three months inside someone's mouth. Just hot and sticky. And oh my, oh my goodness, driving? I drove from east to west. I drove from Florida to California. Cloud, have you ever done that? You hear all the sad, that clatter sounds? Because it's the worst drive ever. You know why? Because Texas exists. That state is 1,000 miles of suck. It's terrible. And I'd like to remind you about how far you are from nothing. I left Houston, the next sign I saw was El Paso, 546. Are you kidding me? Why even put that? Just put what you honestly mean. El Paso, tomorrow. New Mexico, maybe. If you take Texas off the map, it is 45 minutes from Florida to California. Flat. And then I moved to LA and people were passive, aggressively rude to me when they found out I was from Florida. They would form it in the prose of a question to kind of get underneath my skin. Like, oh, you're from Florida? What's that like? It's a peninsula. I didn't grow up in a trash fire. I grew up in sunshine. But I have like 10 people ask that same question. I had to do some self-state reflection. And then I realized something about Florida. Florida is the dive bar of the United States. It's that bar when you ride by, you lean on your buddy and go, that's where I get all my drugs. The exact moment you say that, a dude stumbles out of that bar with a gunshot wound. An alligator grabs him, drags him to a Walmart where a dude on bath salts kills the alligator. That's where I'm from. I wanted to answer your next question. Yes, I have a gun, but it's on my ankle. So we're all safe. Cause you got to make me really mad to want to start leaning towards that thing, just. No, I'm actually from Florida now. I'm a Florida boy. I was born in Michigan, but I live in Florida now. And so it's a far ride. Thank you. Another one, excellent. Scattered about. It's a far ride from Florida. I Ubered here to get here to Utah. 1,700 Ubers. So that was a wonderful thing. Florida, what we have in Florida, we have the hurricanes in Florida. You guys don't have to deal with that. I moved down to Florida and it was like four or five hurricanes hit us in a row. I didn't know what to do. So everyone gives you advice in Florida. They say, get to Home Depot, go to Home Depot. Casey, go to Home Depot. Get your supplies. So I ran to Home Depot. I didn't know what to do after that. So I'm like, I'm just going to follow this old guy around. I'm going to get whatever he gets. So I got what he got. I got wood. I got nails. I got water and a six foot pink flamingo. I don't know how they do it down here. And the weathermen love hurricanes. They love it because they're the stars. Now, everyone's watching the Weather Channel and they ruin it for us because these weathermen don't really know anything anyways. They're like, we got the Doppler 13, 1400,000. We know exactly where this hurricane's going. So if you're in the West Palm Beach area, get ready in our cone, but also get ready, Provo, Utah area. Somewhere in this cone. We know nothing. We know nothing at all. We're guessing. Thank you. Thank you. I don't like any hurricanes at all. I don't even like the Miami hurricanes, the college. Well, I went to Florida State University and I'm a Seminole. And if you go to Florida, the college scene is a big rivalry. And the hurricanes are the worst because they talk trash 24-7. Even the off season, they're talking trash. I'm wearing my FSU shirt the other day, a guy comes up to me. He's like, you're a Seminole. It's all about the U, baby. We're going to kick your butt and we're going to do it again and again and again. I go, hey, that's great. I went to school for an education, not football. And can you finish pumping my gas? I got to get out of here. I got a sweet $50 gig at the Comedy Corner in Fort Pierce. So, provo, on my way to Florida, I was just in Florida. I was in St. Augustine, Florida, which by the way, I don't know if you know this or not, St. Augustine, Florida is the oldest city in the United States. You can go there and see all the buildings that they built way back in the 1500s. And then you can go to Tampa and you can actually meet the people that built them. Then you can drive down to Naples and meet their parents. There's a lot of old people in Florida. I was at a Walmart. The greeter said, can I get you a basket? I don't know, can you? Clear. Can I get you a casket? No, it's a super center. You know, they sell them. And listen, I'm not talking old, like 80 or 90. My mother and father are that age. I'm talking people in their late 100s, early 200s. I mean, they would come to my shows like this and stare at me like the Amish at Best Buy. I've never actually seen dead people sit up. The very first time I was ever down in Florida, I was in Miami, beautiful city, by the way, Miami, Florida. And I'm playing golf with a friend of mine who grew up in the state of Florida on the golf course with us. And apparently this is very popular, is an alligator. And I'm freaking out. And my friend, he doesn't even flinch. He just looks at me, he goes, you know, Russ, hey, buddy. Hey, bro. Hey, man. No, those alligators, they can run 35 miles an hour. Not if he's chasing me, he'll be slipping in some poop. I'll see you at the windmill. I'm going to tell you guys a story about my grandma. This is very true. I went back home and visited my grandma. My grandmother helped raise me. She's one of my favorite people in the world. When I went back home, I guess in the two years since I had gone back home, she had come down with a pretty bad case of dementia. And when I mentioned it to my dad, who'd been dealing with for two years, he's like, yeah, I don't know what happened. It's like we took her to Florida and she came back with Alzheimer's. Well, OK, well, I don't think that's how it works. But here's my point. If you have a grandma, maybe keep her out of Florida for a few years just to be on the safe side, right? Who's to say? So we all followed the election and it comes down to the swing states. They make it too complicated. Basically, if you win Ohio and Florida, you will be the president, right? So I'm telling you right now, a future president is LeBron James, everybody. That guy's going to be president. He's got Ohio wrapped up, right? And he won two titles in Florida. But maybe if he needs help with the older voters, his running mate, Jimmy Buffett. Done deal right there, done deal. Here's a bumper sticker, the King James Buffet right there. The King James Buffet. OK, my wife gave me very good advice to keep friends. She said, if a friend tells you bad news in their life, you just say, I'm sorry to hear that and nothing else. She also said, buy them a card or a gift because actions speak louder than words. And that is very good advice. A week later, my friend told me that he had been diagnosed with Lyme disease. So I said, I'm sorry to hear that. Nothing else. Got him a get well card, too. And I put a coupon in for Lyme Aid. Because, you know why, you know why I did that. My other friend, he went to Florida and got his hand bit off by an alligator because they jump out of trees now. And it's real. Google it, bad dream. And it jumped out of a tree and it bit his hand off. And he hated the Gatorade. So. So I have to tell you this. I decided to kind of get honest with my audience and just kind of open up to them and tell them all about me. Even though I wear this cowboy hat, I was born in Florida. I know you're thinking, wow, sure. A lot of cowboys come from Florida. Right? No, especially from South Florida. That's where I was born. And I tell you, I hate it down there. Math in South Florida was different than math anywhere else in the whole United States. Our questions in elementary school were like, Jose has a speedboat going 74 miles an hour. Carrying 14 kilos of illicit substance. The Coast Guard has an airplane going 183 miles an hour. How long till the kilos sink to the bottom of the ocean? They made us take Spanish in first grade. First grade, first day of school, they give you this big workbook. You learn stuff like, como estas? How are you? Me llamo Juan. My name is John. Then you go to some of the places where people only speak Spanish, like Cozumel or Honduras or California. And you, I thought that's how you're going to react to that. You go, como estas? Me llamo Juan. That guy goes, pah! You got the workbook. Not really. You guys look great. I just want to tell you, I can see you. This is kind of a rare treat. A lot of times it's just a sea of blackness out there. We can't see faces, but the way you're lit, I like seeing your faces. You all look very young and healthy. Of course, last week I was in Florida. I thought that was a myth. I thought that was a gross overgeneralization. The old people going to Florida. I'm not kidding you. I got on the plane in Denver to fly to Miami. And I realized I'm the only one who did not pre-board. All alone, so lonely at the gate. Anyone needs an extra time getting to their seat, they come to our gate now. And the walkers were sparking. There was a walker fight at one point. I don't know if you've seen that. Get back. If you see a walker fight, those little tennis balls on the end go flying. Scary. I got on the plane. It was beautiful. It was like a sea of cotton balls ahead of me. White caps. I thought the whole plane was going to go towards the light. Next stop, heaven. So now I'm in Florida. I took my kids to the beach on Saturday. Yeah, that's awesome. You gotta be careful. Like I took them to the beach. It was a beach. Clothing was optional. I was like, oh, we're out of here. And we left right away. But I noticed one good thing about a beach like that is on that kind of beach, I'm a good looking man. There's a lot of ugly people too. Put your shirt on, buddy. The horses are trying to eat. Just gotta stay healthy, right? That's it. Gotta travel, right? That's healthy, right? Traveling. I've been traveling a lot. Started doing cruises because that's where my career is headed. I like it though, man. I like it. Get me out of those cold New Jersey winters. That's important, right? I like it. They always send me down to Florida Plantation for it. Anybody ever heard of Plantation, Florida? Yeah? I hadn't. And let me tell you something. I was nervous the whole time I was in Plantation, Florida. I was like, y'all gonna let me leave here. I don't want no problems with my departure. It felt weird getting a cab telling me, take me to Plantation. Hurry up, I'm late. I went from Plantation to the boat. Talk about how things have changed. What Obama was talking about. I don't know, man. Facebook, it's gotten weird. Like really weird. In the last 10 years, it's gotten like really weird. I don't know. It's gotten me thinking like, here's what I think about. I think it's turned into Florida. I think Facebook is a lot like Florida because it started out as a place for college kids to go and have fun. And then the old people came in and took over. I didn't even know. You can misspell LOL until they got on there. I embrace cultural diversity. One of my favorite cities on the planet is Miami, Florida. And I was heartbroken when I recommended Miami to a manly man friend of mine back in Ohio. And he said, I hate Miami, dude. Nobody spoke English to me down there. If all those Cubans and Puerto Ricans don't want to learn English, they should just go back to Mexico where they came from. I said, you should go back to school where you dropped out of. Folks, I've been playing and enjoying Miami for over two decades now. And I found a way to get Latino Miamians to speak to me in rapid fire, perfectly accented English. And that's by speaking to them in horribly accented, painfully slow Spanish. Excuse me, sir, but could you please tell me where I find the nearest CVS drug store around here? Oh, lo siento, si no hablo ingles, no puedo ayudarle, senor. Oh, no problema, senor. Podria decirme donde se ubica la drogaria CVS la mas cerca de... Oh, for crying out loud, you got on two stoplights to take a left at the post office at the cross on the desk. So I do, I love being a dad. It's my favorite job. That's the question I get is, are your kids funny? And all my kids are funny, but Xander, my middle one, is the funniest kid. I was actually backstage trying to think of some examples. Oh, this summer, I took him to, I should have planned this out, not Philadelphia, the other one. Florida. Oh, Florida. I knew it was a state that started with an F. Don't laugh at me. I am not good at geometry. No, it was Florida. I was doing a pastor's conference. It was like 300 pastors and Xander was backstage and he was looking out and he's like, is that a room full of pastors? And I was like, yeah. And he goes, how long's your show? And I go, I'm doing an hour. And he goes, good, go twice as long so they'll see how it feels. And you gotta watch what you say too as you get older, you lose your filter. I was doing a show in Florida and the audiences there are a little bit older. They don't use Uber. They call an ambulance. Just in case. After the show, this woman comes up to me. She goes, oh, you were so funny. I couldn't believe it when you said you were 65. I said to my friend, he doesn't look 65, but now that I see you up close, you kind of do. But it's not just my group, the Baby Boomers who are getting up there. Generation X is 52 years old now, ladies and gentlemen. Remember them? The punk rockers? They're getting up there. Just the other day I saw it, a guy wearing a Mohawk toupee. I couldn't believe it. Tight black jeans, size 46 waistline. Combat boots with Velcro straps. My dad, he's doing crazy things. I'm even more concerned about my mom and I warned you about her. Since my mom has retired, my mom has now joined a gang. No, my mom's joined a gang. She now has a silk jacket. It's got letters on the front. All across the back of it. She's got a great big gold and silver emblem on the back of her car. And it says something like, AARP, yo. Yeah, and I don't know what the motto of the AARP is, but I'm sure it's something like, we're old, we're bold. We will not stand our coffee cold. Yeah, yeah, we're rich. And now we go to Florida during the winter to spend our kid's inheritance. Yeah, that's a lot more funny to those people right now than it really is to me. But my parents in the last couple years, they kind of became full-time snowbirds. You guys know what the definition of a snowbird is, don't you? It's someone that moves from a cold climate to a warm climate during the winter time, only to call back up here and ask me what the weather's like. Is it true, sir? I get that call, it's about 6.40 every morning. It's always ring, ring, ring, ring, and it says Sarasota, Florida. And I gotta pick the phone up because this might be the day I get to cash that inheritance in. I say something stupid, I say, cash call from Florida. And it's always my mom, no, no, no, idiot, still not funny. Don't quit your day job, go to work. It's just your mom, I'm calling to see what the weather's like in Michigan today. I said, what's the weather like in Michigan, mom? You guys still have that big screen TV down there in your condo? Yeah, and you still watch the weather channel from like four in the morning till midnight every night? Yeah, so about every 15 minutes, you're gonna get to know what the weather's like here in Michigan. You see that big swath of pink and white and blue covering the whole mitten state that should just say, crap? Yeah, that's what the weather's gonna be like for the next three or four months, that is why you left. But I'm stupid, I always say this, I say, you don't wanna know the answer, Chris, you don't wanna know the answer, but I'm just being nice and I say, so, what's the weather like in Florida? And she goes, oh, oh, it got cold down here last night. It got down into the 40s, your dad turned the heat on. I wore my long nightgown and I wore socks to bed. Yeah, I said, thank you, mom, for telling me you wore your long nightgown to bed because that time you wore your short nightgown to breakfast. I still need therapy for that. Cool, you don't have to applaud for that, someone's gotta do some ironing is all I gotta say. Cool, man, this is awesome, it's fun. So, if you're gonna be weird, you gotta step it up. Also, how dare Austin and Portland keep it weird? When, how dare they act like they're weird when they know Florida exists? And it's just out there doing what Florida does. Last time I was in Florida, this is real, by the way, this is Googleable information after the show. I'm in Florida, I'm walking past a newspaper stand, I look into the stand. The headline on the newspaper reads, local man robs Wendy's with alligator. What did you just say to me? I read it, I still said that out loud. It was incredible. And also, oh yeah, that's all you wanna say? You don't wanna add any more to that? Like, I don't know, maybe tell us if the alligator was an accomplice or a weapon? How about that? For real. Did this guy rob a Wendy's with an alligator, or did this guy rob a Wendy's with an alligator? There's a huge difference. Did he start a gang with an alligator, throw a bandana on it? He's like, we're the alligator boys now. Let's get to a Wendy's and make this official. No. So, this is how, I bought the paper and I read the article, and this is real. He used the alligator as a weapon, okay? And when I read that, I was like, did he at least hold it like a gun? He didn't. He threw it through a drive-thru window. Didn't see that one coming, did ya? You know who else did it? The lady at the drive-thru. So many things have to happen before you can even throw an alligator. You have to find it in the wild? Also, by the way, how horrible is Florida that there is just alligators available to you? What was even his qualifying material? Was he looking for a specific type? Or he just, the first one he saw, he was like, this is the one, and he took it. That was it? So, this is real. This happened. In Florida, a place connected to the United States, where we are all living currently, a grown man with a driver's license found an alligator that day. He didn't even build a relationship with it. Takes his new alligator, and he seat belts it into the back seat of his car. I assume. I just have no idea how else you keep it from getting into the front seat and biting you, right? I don't know if you guys know anything about alligators, but they kind of just do whatever they want. So, he seat belts this dinosaur into the back seat, and then he gets into the front seat, and he's like, ah, I gotta make some money today. Spare the wheel. Ah, I could get a job. And he goes, no, no time. Spent most of my day on that alligator thing. Projects. I could rob someone. And he goes, I could rob a place, because places have more money than someone. Rob a bank. And he goes, no, no, they'll be expecting that. Just thinking about it. And then he comes to the conclusion, Wendy's. They have money and chili. That's the place. So, he drives his new alligator to Wendy's, okay? Pulls up to the drive-thru, and the lady at the drive-thru is like, hello, how can I help you today? And he goes, give me all the money. And she just goes, looks right at him and goes, no, you didn't even come inside. You failed at this robbery. And the dude is so mad. He goes, give me the money in the register, or I'll kill you. And she's from Florida, so she's not afraid of death or whatever. She looks down at him and she's like, no, if you had a gun, you would have shown it to me already. I call your bluff. Gotta hear crazy guy. Go, go, go. He's seething mad at this point, furious. And he's like, you know what? I don't have a gun, but hold on. And then he palmed an alligator through the drive-thru. Yup. He skipped so many steps in that robbery. If he had a list of things he was supposed to do, he would have thrown the alligator, looked down and just been like, oh no. I was supposed to threaten her with the alligator first. By the way, can you imagine being her? Telling this guy off and he's like, you know what? I don't have a gun. And you're like, wow, nailed it. Really doing it today. And then he leans back and starts unbuckling the world's ugliest toddler. Like, oh, hey, someone come and see this is wild. And then you look back and an alligator is flying. Imagine being the car behind him. Sitting there with your girlfriend. Like what takes so long to make burgers here? She's on her phone. You're like, do you even care? You look back from her and then an alligator soars from window to window. Honey, get off your phone. They're throwing alligators. This guy is crazy. She's on her phone. Like that doesn't make sense. They don't even serve alligators here. What? Why am I with you? So this dude is sitting there awkwardly with no more alligators left to play in the robbery. Probably thinking to himself, oh, you think if I ask for my alligator back? Such a bad idea to throw it. He didn't even put a fanny pack on it. Like maybe get some money while you're in there. I don't know. So he drives off. Yeah. And he gets arrested immediately. He didn't even wear a mask. Yeah. He was like, I'm in Florida. People throw alligators. I'll probably get lost in the shuffle. No, he didn't. They remembered him. They arrested him pretty hard afterwards. The end of the article is true. It goes, no one was injured. The alligator was safely released back into the wild. At the very end of the article it read, no drug involvement suspected. Oh yeah, Florida? That was your sober plan? What does the non-sober plan look like? Do you ride a horse and the alligator throws you? What happens?