The Worlds Funniest Police Officers. Dry Bar Comedy

So I used to, you're gonna love this. Ready for this one? I, I used to be a state trooper. Yeah, yeah, cool. I was the worst state trooper you've ever seen in your, you know why? Because I would stop a car and then I'd forget why I stopped it. It was weird, I was just thinking about other stuff. Let's pretend this is a car, okay? A very small car, and I would walk up to the car and from here, from my car to that one, I would forget why I stopped it. Just immediately I would just walk up and go, hey, how's it going? Hey, do you know why I stopped you? No? All right, well. You wanna take a stab at it or anything? Or just a wild guess? Terrible. Let's get this out of the way right now. I'm actually, I'm a cop currently right now. I've been a cop for the last 21 years. It's been a lot of fun. Thing about it is though, when I became a cop, went to the Academy in 97, became a cop in 98, I didn't sign up to deal with bears, all right? That's all I'm saying right now. This lady called 911. She's like, there's a bear in my kitchen. There's a bear in my kitchen. I'm like, that's my problem? I mean, if it was a brown bear, right? I could do something about it. I'd be like, They got any enchiladas in the freezer or what, eh? But that wasn't the situation, right? So my partner comes out of the station, right? The night that we got this call, I was paired up with one of the SWAT guys, all right? I'm not a SWAT guy, but he was. And he comes out of the station. He's like, yeah, bro. We're gonna go get the bear, bro. And you know, he's that one cop that just has that swagger. Yeah, bro. So Captain America and I are going to get this bear. And we're going up the canyon and he's in the passenger seat. I'm driving lights and sirens. We're going with this call. This lady's calling 911. They're updating us on dispatch. And he's just in the passenger seat. So we get to the call. And before I could stop him, he gets out of the car. He grabs the shotgun. He's all, shh, shh. I'm all, dude, you cannot shoot a bear with a shotgun, bro. The Subaru drivers will not put up with that, bro. Any Subaru drivers in here tonight? Shut up, nobody cares. Nobody cares. So before I could stop Captain America, he runs into the house. I wish I was making this part up, but this is completely true. I'm standing outside. This is the very next thing that I hear. Uh, here, bear, bear, bear, bear. Hey, bear, where you at, bear? This dude is in there like Elmer Fudd. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I'm gonna find a bear. I just want to point out, at this point in time in the show, I was still outside the house, okay? Because I know better. My mom raised a smart kid. And I'm thinking to myself, what's the SWAT guy in there doing? Like searching the house all tactically and everything? He's gonna round the corner in the kitchen, come face to face with a bear and be like, shh, shh, shh. Hey, boo-boo, got a picnic basket? The bear and I had a lot in common. He came in the house, he obtained the food and left said house. Talk a little bit about my mom. I told you about her. My mother, like I said, five foot tall, less than a hundred pounds, just pure lightning in her veins. But she's a lady that wants to know what's going on out there on the streets. She's like, mijo, I'm going down to ride along with you. Really? I need to know what's going on. I don't trust the news. I want to see for myself. But every time she rides along with me, she gets way too involved in the situation. The last time she rode along, we got called to a park, a skate park, where a bunch of kids were being pushed around by a drunk guy. So we get there and I go up to the dude and I'm like, hey, let's go to detox, bro. No ticket, no jail. What do you say? He says, let me tell you something, fat boy. I'll kick your butt, fat boy. My mother hears this from my patrol car. She grabs the PA. Mijo, you need some backup? Then this dude starts it on my mom. He's like, who's that old Mexican hag in the car? Don't worry, you don't know my mom. Without missing a beat. Mijo, give me the green light. I'll cut him with my straight razor. I'm working up here, big guy like me. I'm 245 pounds, is what I am. That was a little too much, sir. I can take it though. I can take it. It's one of the Subaru drivers. I know it. Forester. Thule rack on top. You guys are an awesome crowd. I don't take myself too seriously. Because I don't think you can. I got into comedy because I wanted to protect my mental health. We see a lot of things and I can share and twist them with you. And it's important to me to keep that mental health strong. And I don't want to want to be one of those jaded cops at the end of a 20 or 30 year career. But the best example of this is I love it when people are quick witted. We had a fight at one of the colleges. I showed up. I get out of my car. There's these two young guys standing on the corner. So I said, hey bro, did you guys see the fight over here? Young guy's like, dude, totally saw what happened, bro. Totally saw what happened, okay? I'm like, okay, you overachiever. Can you write me a written statement? He's like, no. I can send you a text message. So I don't want to get into it with this kid. So I give him my phone number and 20 minutes later, he sends me a text message. Hey, Popo. I ain't no rat, Popo. That's not the bad part. On busy nights when I'm working, this kid still sends me random text messages. Hey, Popo. We're about to leave the bar. Where are you guys at right now? 30 minutes later. Hey, Popo, we made it home, but we're out of food. Can you make a pizza run? You can't get mad at that. You cannot get mad at that. That is genius. Dude, when I see that guy again, I'm going to be like, high five, bro. That is awesome. That's awesome. You're going to jail for sure. All I'm saying for sure, he's a Subaru driver. That's it. You know, one of the ladies I work with, she's constantly, you know, as a cop, I am a big guy. I like to lift weights. If you ever see me running after somebody and you happen to see that sight, hit them with your car because they're wanted for a serious crime. I mean, this is not foot pursuit material is what I'm saying, right? I mean, downhill, we got a good shot at it, right? Stopping will be a problem. Oh, you guys are good. I'm going to switch it up here because you guys like that. Well, I'm going to, this is what we're going to do. I didn't know I was going to talk about this, but we're going to talk about it. Millennial cops are entering the police force. I'm going to say it one more time. Millennial cops are entering the police force. We were reading reports one night. It was a DUI report and it was nothing but emojis. So like, what is this? The younger officer's like, what are you talking about, Sarge? Drunk emoji, drunk emoji, get to the jail, poop emoji, poop emoji. Oh, I guess it's okay then. The funny thing is a lot of these guys and gals, they don't want to drive normal cop cars, you know, like Interceptors and Tahos. They want to drive Priuses. But Priuses that are only battery powered. Can you imagine somebody calling 911, there's been a terrible accident, send help, I can't, Sarge. I haven't recharged yet. They try to do a roadblock, people just like kick the car out of the way. My favorite time of the year to be a cop is Halloween time. Because you see the craziest stuff. And you know, it comes at you, you got to deal with it. This last Halloween, I'm driving down the boulevard and there's a lady on the corner dressed up like a white cotton ball. So I was like, what? Ruh-puh-puh-boo, ruh-puh. What are you? She's like, me? I was like, yeah, you, what are you? She's like, I am a loofah. Are you a dirty officer? Maybe? She's like, good. And I'm like, you know, I realized with all the stuff going on with cops around the country that we got to be proactive, right? In building rapport with citizens. You know what I'm saying? So I'm like, I got you sister. I grabbed the strobe lights, I turned them all on, I grabbed my PA and I'm all, She's like, oh my goodness. I didn't know we were going to make money. I got you. That's the scariest thing you've ever seen. I sure hope he knows we're at the end of the stages. Timber! We got a patron down in the front row. Patron down. Mexican down too. Mexican. So I'm into it, right? I got this side of the street. This side of the street. Not paying attention. There comes my supervisor driving around the corner. I know, right? I didn't know what to do. So I tased the loofah. Twice. That's a little too much clapping back there, sir. He said I done it third time, third time. Tomorrow's 420. And I am a cop, right? And where I work, it's actually legal. I'm not a proponent of it. I don't believe in it, but I have to work with it, right? Last 420, I decided to work the event because it was overtime and they needed cops to do it. So I showed up and I was like, how hard could it be to work a 420 event, right? Bunch of stoners, hang out, should be pretty chill. So I get there and it's three o'clock in the afternoon and there's 10,000 people on the field and it is just a cloud of smoke. What I didn't realize is you could get a contact high. More importantly, I didn't realize is if I get a contact high, I become Mexican Tickle Me Elmo. Dispatch, start calling me on the radio. Vinny, can we get a status, you in there? Anybody want to? Everybody's looking right. Is he laughing? I'm probably the only person that could get away with that joke here. It's all right. Yeah, I never joined the military. I joined the police department. I was a Los Angeles police officer. That's what I was. You know what's amazing? As soon as I quit being a police officer, they had the Rodney King scandal, OJ scandal, Chief Darryl Gates scandal, Rampart Division scandal, and the gang division scandal. All that happened after I quit. Who knew I was the glue holding that whole department together? And being a cop, just like being in the military. Academies like boot camp, get up every morning, sing those running songs. Up in the morning with the rising sun, run all day till the running done. I hated that. We were policemen. We should have been singing songs like, running around this gymnasium floor. We're out of donuts, going to get some more. Wasn't there a cop over here? Where? Right there? Oh, there you are. Oh, look at that. Don't point to him. Don't do that. We used to love people who pointed. That was our favorite people. When you pull somebody over, hey, you been drinking? He got a bottle under the seat right there. Right there. You're a police officer? Yeah, look at you. Don't like the light in your eyes. See what it feels like? You see that? Yeah. All them people weren't drunk. They were blind. See how it happens? What city? Logan. Oh, is that a big town? Big city? You got a helicopter? No. You got a tank? LAPD, we got a tank buster. Everybody got to learn to drive. You got anything? You got a siren on top of the car? You got that? But a passenger officer got to stick his head out the window. Woo, woo, woo! Are you retired? Close. Man, how many years you got on? 23. Wow, that's a lot. What do you work? Juvenile crimes. Well, look at 17. Hey, that's my grandma's glaucoma medicine. That's what that was. Yeah. I work patrol. Backbone of the department. Matter of fact, I had a female partner when I worked patrol. I had a female partner, 5'1", 110 pounds. That's it. And I'm only 5'4", 140. We got out of the car, we were like the munchkins from the Wizard of Oz. Just walk up to the side of a car. We represent the LAPD, the LAPD, the LAPD. Get back in the car and drive away. People always say, why you become a cop? I can tell you why now. Because I got a Napoleon complex. I got short man disease. My attitude when I was a cop was the bigger the guy was, the more I wanted to whoop his behind. I whooped up on some big guys. I once whooped this guy up. He was like, like five, six. He's a monster. I couldn't be a cop here in Provo. I'll tell you that right now. It is too cold. It is, I could not, I would never leave my warm police car. I'd get in behind like the worst criminal in town. I'd just get on the radio, step out of your vehicle. He'd yell back, go up here and get me. All right, you can go. I just got married. Six months in, going pretty good. My wife is a retired homicide detective. True story. She's a detective, a lieutenant homicide detective. My wife has a unique way of making me do things that I don't want to do. Like I won't wash dishes. I ain't never wash no dishes. Ain't never gonna wash no dishes. That's my thing. I ain't wash no dishes. My wife likes to watch a show called Date Line. You ever seen this show? It's always about a murderer, usually a spouse, you know? And they show how the police solve the murder. She likes to watch that show with me. And then at the end of the show, she'll always go, you know what they did wrong on that show, right? When you bury a body, you should put cement over the body. That way the dogs can't smell the body. And you always leave your phone off or leave it at home because when you drive with your phone, the GPS on the towers leaves a ping trail. That's how I would have done it. You gonna get them dishes done? My wife has two guns. She's a detective. She has a two inch, five shot Smith and Wesson and she has a Beretta locked in a case. When she moved into my house, she hid the guns. I said to her, where'd you put the guns? She goes, you do not need to know. I can't even have a simple argument with my wife. I can't, you know? One day we were watching the game. She goes, man, the Lakers look good. I go, you crazy? Lakers stink. She goes, I'll be right back. I said, oh no, no, no, wait, wait, wait. No, I was joking. Lakers are good. I'll do the dishes. Let me tell you guys something about, let me tell you something about police work for a change. Let me tell you something real quick. Anybody in here ever get a speeding ticket? Yeah? Really? You know why you got it? Because you deserve it. Right? You guys don't listen. The speed limit says 55. That's what it says. That's the limit. Oh, officer, don't they allow you five miles? No. Where does the sign say 55? But if your favorite song come on the radio, go on, take five more for yourself. They don't say that. That's what it says on the sign. Ain't 55 with a little winky emoji on it. 55. No, it's 55. You go to the mountains, you get on the edge of the mountain, the sign say, this is your limit. You don't go, hey, let's take five more steps. And if you get a ticket, just pay the ticket. Pay the ticket. Don't try to bribe the officer. I've had guys offer me cash. I had a guy offer me cocaine. Man, that's real smart. Don't pay $150 ticket. Go to jail for two years. How about that? That's a good trade-off. I had a person once say to me, I'll show you my breasts if you let me off the ticket. I was like, listen, no, no, sir, you don't have to do that. You can leave, but no. Yeah. Let me tell you guys something about police on the inside, police work. Sometimes you'll see two officers working together. They don't always get along. I've had some bad partners. I had this one partner. I hated that guy. All he'd do is yell at me. Don't touch the log sheet. Don't touch the radio. You understand what I'm saying? Yeah. Don't touch anything. You understand? Yeah, yeah. Then he'll go back and tell the captain, Jordan just sits there. He won't touch the log sheet. Won't touch anything. Officer Tucker was his name. Tucker the, well, Tucker. We'll leave it there. That's just Tucker. So one day, me and Tucker get a call and we make an arrest. I'm putting the guy away in the holding cell. Now, when you put a guy away in a holding cell, you take off all your weapons. You take off your primary weapon, take off your secondary weapon, take off your mace, take off everything. You lock it away. That way, there's no accidents when you put him away. So I'm processing the guy. There's a bang on the glass. It's Tucker. Come on, we gotta go. We gotta go. There's a 211 at Winchell's right up the street. Come on. Now, for those of you who don't know, Winchell's is a donut shop in Los Angeles. If you're a criminal robbing a donut shop two blocks from a police station, it's pretty certain we're gonna catch you. So he's banging on the glass. Come on, we gotta go. We gotta go. So I'm like, I haven't finished processing. Come on, come on, we gotta go. So out we go. We run, jump in the cruiser. We get over there. Halfway there, I realize I have no weapons on me. We get to Winchell's just as the two guys are coming out of Winchell's. We pull up. Tucker jumps out on the driver's side, pulls his weapon, throws him out. I jump out on the passenger's side. I don't have anything, so I just point my finger at him. Tucker says, hey, I'm gonna go inside to see if there's any more. You sit out here and you hold these guys here. He runs in the Winchell's. I'm sitting, even they're looking at me like, what's going on? Hey, put your head down. Put your head down. Don't look at me. Tucker comes out, looks at me. I look at him. He looks at me. He goes, you should take the safety off. True story. I did a lot of cool things on the job. Coolest thing I ever did was deliver a baby. That is the coolest thing I ever did. You know, this woman, her water broke and it was cool because I got my name in the LA Times the next day and everything. But this woman, her water broke and she calls her husband to come get her and he don't show up. So she tried to drive herself to the hospital and she panicked and pulled into a 7-Eleven. So I saw my cruiser at a red light. They ran out the street and got me. Had to turn around, come back in and deliver a baby in a 7-Eleven. Got my name in the LA Times the next day, everything. Let me tell you something. You work for LAPD. They just assume you know how a baby's born. They don't show you a video, ain't no puppet show, nothing. I ain't never seen no baby born before. I thought a baby would pop out and maybe even a blanket pop out with him, you know? There's a lot of things that come out of there with that baby. I thought you was having twins. I was like, you know, one of them look like you. And the little one, you're gonna have to love him special. He ugly. I was like, that's a lovely child. Oh my God. Here's the best part. You'll appreciate this the most out there. Here's the best part. So then when the EMT came and took her to the hospital, when she pulled into 7-Eleven, she pulled into a handicapped slot. So I rode a car ticket, I had a total.