9 Parenting Rules To Simplify Your Life (No More Yelling)

These nine parenting rules will reduce challenging behavior, eliminate power struggles, improve behavior over time, and make you a less stressed, more calm parent. Rule number one is to match your words to their ability. This is going to solve that problem of your toddler ignoring you every time you ask them to do something. You see, when you ask them to do something and they just look up at you, usually they're not being defiant. What's happening is your request is too much for their developing brain to handle, in particular, their working memory. Think of their working memory as a small cup. And when you give them a long, complex instruction, for example, all right, sweetie, we need to clean up all these toys, put on your shoes and socks, then get into the car because we need to go to the playground, what you're doing is pouring a jug full of information into that tiny cup, most of which then spills out before they can even process it. And what happens when you do that is your child just becomes completely overwhelmed. So instead of doing what you asked, they freeze and they do nothing. This isn't because they don't want to do it, it's simply because you're breaking rule number one and you're not matching your words to their abilities. So here's how to fix it. When you need to ask them to do something, walk over to them, say their name and wait for them to look up at you. Then give a short direction that matches what their brain can handle. So at around 18 months of age, you want to stick to a single step direction like put your shoes on. By the time they're two, many toddlers can manage directions that consist of two steps, but they need to be closely related. For example, get your shoes and put them on. If you were to say something like put your shoes on and then go and get the ball, it's probably going to be too complicated for them at this age. By three, many can handle two unrelated steps. So it might be put your shoes on, then go and get the bag or click the like button and follow me for more. And by the time they're five, most children can manage three unrelated steps like put the ball in the box, put on your shoes and get in the car. Now, after you give that short, clear direction, wait 10 seconds. Don't repeat yourself, don't raise your voice, just count to 10 in your head. Your toddler needs time to process what you said, figure out how to do it and then actually do it. And that entire sequence takes their developing brain about seven to 10 seconds to complete. When you start matching your words to their abilities and give them that processing time, you'll notice that they actually start doing what you asked the first time. That is as long as you follow this next rule, which is say it once and then follow through. When you do this, so you ask them to do something, wait those 10 seconds and then calmly step in and help them follow through the first time, they learn that when you say something, you mean it. On the flip side, if you ask your toddler to do something and they don't do it, so you ask again and again, and then you finally start yelling at them and then step in and help them do what you've asked, you teach your toddler that they don't need to do anything until you start yelling or you're standing over them. To avoid falling into this cycle, here's how you implement this rule. Let's say you've asked them to put the blocks in the basket and you've waited those 10 seconds and they're still sitting there. The first thing you wanna do is stop what you're doing and then break that task into smaller steps and then help them complete each step, right then and there. So you might point to the block and say, pick up the block. And if they still don't react, you would then step in and help. So you would place the block in their hands and say, pick up the block. Then you would guide their hand towards the basket. And then you would say, now put the block in the basket, helping them to drop it if they need it. Then you would just praise them as they complete each step. Now you may be thinking, I can't possibly drop everything to help my toddler every single time I ask them to do something. And I'm not gonna lie, walking over to them to help them follow through definitely takes more effort than yelling at them from across the room. But here's what happens when you're consistent with this. Your toddler figures out pretty quickly that you mean what you say. And within a few weeks, you'll notice that they start responding within that 10 second window because they've learned that you always follow through. Now saying it once and following through works really well for most situations, but you might notice that your toddler keeps going back to certain things like that pop plant or the TV remote, no matter how many times you've said, don't touch that. And while this is frustrating, there's a developmental reason this keeps happening. Your toddler's impulse control is still developing. So when they see something interesting, their brain says touch it before they can stop themselves. Now they're not trying to test you or ignore what you've said. Their brain just can't override that impulse consistently yet. So instead of saying, don't touch that 15 times a day and then dealing with the tantrum that follows, if it's not safe, remove it. Move that coffee cup to the counter, put the TV remote in the drawer and store that breakable decoration in the cupboard for a few months. When you're doing this, you're not lowering your standards or giving in. You're simply working with where your toddler's at instead of fighting against it. And remember, putting things like picture frames, plants or decorations away doesn't mean it's forever. Your toddler won't always be this curious and hands-on. As they grow, they'll learn boundaries and be less likely to grab everything in sight. But for now, you're just making life easier for the both of you. Now, in saying that, you can't remove everything in your house. Power outlets aren't going anywhere and neither is that oven. And when your little one reaches for these things, you'll probably yell, don't touch that or stop or no. Now, when they're in danger, these words work. They get their attention fast and it stops them in their track. But when you say, don't do this or stop doing that all day long for every single thing, you're actually making it harder for your little one to cooperate. Think about it like this. When you say, don't touch the oven, they have to first stop what they're doing, then figure out what you don't want them to do and then guess what you do want them to do. And that's a lot for a toddler to process. But when you tell them what to do rather than what not to do, you make it so much easier for them to understand and as a result, they're way more likely to do it. For example, don't touch the oven becomes hands behind your back. Stop jumping on the couch turns into feet on the floor. Actually, on that note, saying stop that is just one of eight common phrases I recommend parents rethink as they just don't send the message we intend and there are better alternatives. If you wanna know what these eight phrases are and those alternatives, just click the link in the description below. Now, speaking of phrases that make life harder, there's another word that most of us use constantly, especially when we're busy or trying to avoid a tantrum that guarantees your little one will ask the same question 10 more times. And it looks like this. Your toddler asks for a cookie and you say, later. Five minutes go by and they say, can I have a cookie now? And again, you say, later, sweetie. Then two minutes later, they say, cookie. Now, the reason they keep asking is because later actually means nothing to your toddler. They have no idea if that's in five minutes or five days. So naturally, they'll keep asking to find out exactly when later is. Now, to avoid this, instead of saying later, be specific and tie it to events in their day. For example, you can have a cookie after dinner or we'll read that book after bedtime. When you do this and link it to real moments in their day, they know exactly when it's gonna happen instead of feeling confused. And as a result of this clarity, the constant asking stops. Now, here's where it can get a little tricky because once they know the answer, they might not like it and your toddler might start crying or throw themselves on the floor. And you might be tempted to just give in and make it stop. But if you said no, or for example, told them that they couldn't have the cookie until after dinner and then you cave when they escalate, you teach them that tantrums work. That crying louder gets them what they want. So that's exactly what they'll start to do. Now, keep in mind your child isn't being naughty. They're simply trying to figure out ways to get their desires met like everyone does. And they've realized that throwing tantrums gets results. And that means the next time they want something big or small, they're going to use the same tactic. So if you wanna avoid falling into this cycle, here's what you need to do. When you say no, acknowledge their feelings and then hold your boundary. You're upset you can't have the cookie right now. I get it. You can have the cookie after dinner. You're not changing the rule. The answer is still no. When you consistently hold your boundaries like this, over time, your toddler learns that your answer is final. And those tantrums start to fade because they realize that they don't work anymore. But this takes time. And in the meantime, when your little one is having a full on tantrum, you might be tempted to explain and help them understand why, for example, they can't have cookies before dinner. But don't do this. When your toddler is in the middle of a tantrum, their brain is flooded with stress hormones. And the thinking part of the brain, the prefrontal cortex is completely offline. And that's the exact part of the brain that processes language and reasoning. So their ability to understand and process what you're saying plummets. In fact, trying to reason with them can just make it worse. So the next time your little one is having a tantrum, don't try to fix it or explain why they shouldn't be upset. Instead, get down to their eye level and say something like, you're really upset, I get it. Then stay close by and stay calm. As your calm voice and presence signals to their brain that they're safe and this helps them start to calm down. Once they're calm, so maybe they're crying less or their breathing has slowed down, then you can talk about what happened. But here's the critical part. You need to figure out what skill they don't yet have and then teach them that skill. Because if you don't take the time to actually teach them that skill, that same behavior is going to keep happening. Now, I know this sounds a little vague, so let me give you an example. Let's say your little one throws their food when they're finished eating. Now they're not being naughty, they just don't know how to tell you that they're done. That's a skill that they're missing and the one that you need to teach. So to teach this skill, you would stay close by during mealtimes and watch for those subtle signs that they're no longer hungry. Like they start playing with their food instead of eating it or they start to get a little silly. Then right before they would normally throw it, you would step in and model the behavior. So you might say finished and then you would help them hand you the plate or slide it towards you. Then you would praise that behavior to encourage them to do it on their own the next time. You would then continue doing this for every single meal for the next few days. And what should happen is within just a few days, they will start handing you their plate or saying finished without you needing to prompt them. And that food throwing should stop because you've taught them the skill that they needed. Now in that example, you taught them the skill by modeling the behavior, but here's what you might not realize. You're modeling behavior to your toddler all day long, whether you mean to or not. They're watching everything you do, how you handle spilling your coffee, how you talk to people, how you react when you're stressed. And then they copy you. Now I'm not telling you this to freak you out. It doesn't mean that you need to be the perfect human all the time. Just be aware that your little one is watching you and try to model the behavior that you want to see. So if you want your little one to use kind words, they need to hear you using kind words with those around you. And if you want them to handle frustration without throwing things, they need to see you take a deep breath when you're frustrated instead of slamming the doors. And if you want them to say please and thank you, they need to hear you saying it to everyone, not just to them. And on those days when you do lose your temper, use it as a teaching moment. So you might say, mommy got really frustrated and yelled. I'm sorry, I should have taken three deep breaths instead. Let me try that again. And then you would take those three breaths in front of your little one. When you do this, you're modeling to them a strategy that they can use when they're frustrated, as well as showing them how to repair relationships when they do mess up. Now, these nine rules will absolutely make your life with your toddler easier. But even when you're doing everything right, there are going to be days when your toddler just doesn't want to cooperate. Maybe they're tired or they've decided that today is just a no day. On those challenging days when nothing seems to be working, it is really helpful to know the four strategies that I walk you through step-by-step in this video, as they can motivate even the most stubborn toddler. So make sure you check it out.