1995 Russell Peters Club 54

Excellent, excellent. Welcome to Comedy at Club 54. You guys ready for a great show or what? Because we got one. You ready? Our first guest this evening recently returned from a very successful tour in London, England. And the Toronto Star recently said about him, he's Canada's most politically incorrect comedian. You're about to find out why. Please welcome Mr. Russell Peters. Yeah, good evening. Woo! I don't like people to say that, man. Ah, it's good to be here. I typed it up by myself. My name is Russell Peters. I'm East Indian. Thank you. Good night. It's kind of cool being East Indian, living in Toronto. I can hang out at the airport. Walk up to people when they come off the planes. Can I help you with your luggage? Screw around with my friends when they get in my car, you know. Where to, buddy? So I'm East Indian. My name's Russell Peters, man. Go figure that one out, huh? That's my real name, too, you know. That's like my slave name or something. But Indian people give me the hardest time about my name. They walk up to me on the streets, they're like, Buddy! What's your name? It's Russell Peters. No, no, no, no, no. No, it's not. Come on, man. You're Indian. I'm Indian. What's your real name? It's like, what do you want me to say? Mahatma Gandhi or something? Don't get me wrong, I love Indian names, you know. Because they're so different from everybody else's, you know. But sometimes they go a little overboard with the names. They don't realize what some of the names mean in English. I'm not even lying to you right now. I met this Indian dude last week. The guy's name was Suckdeep. The guy's real name was Suckdeep. Could you imagine living your life with a name like Suckdeep, man? Somebody's looking for you one day. Yo, man. You Suckdeep? Oh, man. I just came back from England last week. Anybody here gone to England? Two people, good. Oh, yeah. I saw you there. I'm not homophobic or nothing, but do you know they call cigarettes... in England? Did you know this? I wish somebody had told me before I went there, man. Because I didn't know this, man. I was on the train. Some guy walks up and he's like, Ron, mate, you got... You got a sister, huh? And I'm thinking if they call cigarettes... over there. What do they call... over there? Look at those two bloody Rothmans in the corner over there. Flippin' DeMaurier's. Drive on the wrong side of the road over there, man. Screwed me up. Every time I'd cross the street, I'm looking the wrong way. Nothing coming. Cheers, everybody, huh? Cheers. Don't you hate this, guys? You go to a bar, you order a drink, they stick a straw in it. You're trying to act all cool, walk up to ladies at the bar, you know? Hey, how are ya? Anybody here had a tattoo? Ladies, I love when ladies have tattoos. You guys aren't ladies. Anymore. Now, when I get a tattoo, they look kind of painful, man. I was thinking about getting, like, elephant ears right here. I figure the ladies would really like that, you know? Come on, honey, meet Dumbo. Problem is, I'd have, like, an aardvark or something. Enough with the peanuts, give me ants. I'd like to clear up a lot of myths about East Indian people. I know you guys think a lot of weird stuff about us. I'd like to thank those Indian movies for that. Oh, you know you've all watched one at one time or another. You're flicking channels. Guys are stopping, thinking, hey, it might be like an Italian movie. You might see a boob. Nothing, man, you won't even see them kiss. Now, all the problem is, all you got is a bunch of people scared to walk through parks because they think Indian people are going to pop out from behind trees and start singing to them. Boo! Any hockey fans here tonight? None, huh? I'm thinking in Toronto we should start, like, our own East Indian ice hockey team, you know? What do you figure they'd be called, like, the Toronto Maple Seeks? Oh, think about it, man, they wouldn't have to wear helmets. Just blew my term or something. No, could you imagine the commentary for them? And here comes Singh down center ice. He passes it to Singh. Singh shoots it over to Singh. Singh knocks it to Singh. Singh shoots on Singh. Oh, Singh misses. Uh-oh, they're fighting now. Here comes the ceremonial daggers. Uh-oh, he's unraveling his turban. Uh-oh, they're on a corner now. What's this? They're opening up a store. It's good to see we got a room full of racists. That's always comforting for me, you know? People at home, you know what's going on here. Oh, man, I just got my license last year. Took a while to get my license. Figured if I got my license too soon, my dad would make me drive a cab. It's not funny. Love being in Toronto, man, because they name all the streets after people. And when you get directions, it always ends up sounding sexual. You know what I'm talking about? You get directions in Toronto somewhere, you're going to be like... Well, you get off on the Gardiner. You go down on John. And you end up in Leslie. That's right, Leslie goes both ways. When you get there, you need a cigarette. Hopefully not a... I got in a car accident last year. Anybody get in a car accident? Liars. No, man, it's weird. You're driving along and everything is cool, man. But the minute you get hit, doesn't it feel like everything else is happening in slow motion? You know what I'm talking about? You're driving along, it's like... Ladies and gentlemen, I got to tell you, ladies, I love women's breasts. Sorry. I love them, small or large, it doesn't matter. Don't feel bad. I appreciate them, you know? I just wish I could have a pair, you know? Not on me or nothing, you know? I'm not a freak or nothing, you know? Just like a nice pair that I could carry around with me, you know? Every now and then, just reach over. Whomp, whomp. It'd be nice, you know? Kind of wish I could install them in my car where the airbags are, you know? Just drive around, keep crashing into sh... all day. Air conditioning on all day. Boing! You know? I make a lot of jokes about being Indian at the top of the show, and I got to tell you, I'm really proud to be Indian. You know? I understand why people laugh at Indian people. Actually, I still don't understand it, but... I've accepted it. And I guess it's because of our accent, you know? I personally don't have one, but my dad's been blessed with one. And I'll admit, it's not the coolest accent in the world, you know? It's not something I'd want to fake at a club to impress chicks with, you know? Not like a Jamaican accent or something, you know? You could fake it and sound pretty cool doing it, you know? Like a Jamaican guy could walk up to a girl at a bar and fake his accent. Hey, gal, come here. So what? You want to dance, man? Or an Italian guy, you know? Fake his accent and sound pretty cool doing it. Hey, baby, let's friggin' boogie! You never catch an Indian guy doing that, though, you know? Faking his accent at a bar. Excuse me, baby. But you're wanting to dance? You guys have been a lot of fun. Enjoy the rest of the evening. Stay brown. Peace. If you like comedy at Club 54 on TV, you'll love it live. For tickets, just call. Hey, that's it for this week, so we'll see you next time. For the best, you're staying up comedy, you know where it is. If you want your joke of the week, I've got to send it in. Good night and thank you. Good night, Mom. If you like comedy at Club 54 on TV, you'll love it live. For tickets, just call 1-800-7-CLUB-54. Good night.