60 Minutes of 'Big Bang Theory' You’ll Rewatch Again and Again

Now, what is this SACS statistic they put up there? All I know about SACS is my mother shops there. SACS. SACS. It's football nomenclature for when a quarterback is tackled behind the line of scrimmage. Huh. Scrimmage. Line of scrimmage is the imaginary transverse line separating the offense from the defense. Oh. Sheldon knows football? Apparently. I mean, Quidditch, sure, but football? Sheldon, how do you know this stuff? I grew up in Texas. Football is ubiquitous in Texas. There's pro football, college football, high school football, peewee football. In fact, every form of football except the original, European football. Which most Texans believe to be a commie plot. Unbelievable. If you're interested, I also know all about frying meat that isn't chicken as if it were chicken. So you could teach me? Football or chicken fried meats? Football. I'm going to Penny's on Saturday to watch a game with her friends, and I don't want to look like an idiot. I want to blend in. You want to blend in with Penny's friends? I think looking like an idiot would be the perfect camouflage. Come on, Sheldon, please teach me football. It'll be fun. That's exactly what my father said. Come to the games, watch the games, week in and week out. From the time I was five until I went off to college. Longest seven years of my life. Please, I'm asking you as a friend. Are you making this a tier one friendship request? Yes. Fine. I really appreciate this. Yeah, yeah. Alright, Poindexter, sit down, shut up, and listen. I'm sorry? That's how my father always began our football conversations. And if you'd like, after the game, I'll take you outside and teach you how to shoot close enough to a raccoon that it craps itself. I have a few questions. First, I noticed that you offer soup and a half sandwich. Yes. Where exactly does the half sandwich come from? Are you giving me half of someone else's sandwich? Or do I have to wait for someone else in the restaurant to order the other half? No, no, Sheldon, they just make a half sandwich. You can't make a half sandwich. It is not half of a whole sandwich. It's just a small sandwich. Okay, fine. It's soup and a small sandwich. Is that what you want? No, of course not. I'll have my usual. Combine these chemicals with ordinary dish soap, creating a little exothermic release of oxygen. Oh. For me, vengeance. Yes, exactly. This is brilliant, Sheldon. How are we going to deploy it in Kripke's office? Already taken care of. Observe. This is a live shot of Kripke's lab via a mini webcam I was able to install thanks to a dollar bill discreetly placed in the night janitor's shirt pocket. At the same time, I also secured large quantities of these chemicals above the tiles in the drop ceiling. Sheldon, you remind me of a young Lex Luthor. You flatter me, sir. Let me guess, motion sensors? Yes. The reaction will be triggered when Kripke reaches the center of the room. Mwahaha. I gotta say, I am really impressed. This is truly the Sheldon Cooper way to get even. It may be low-tech, but I still maintain the whoopee cushion has comic validity. Here comes Kripke. Who's that with him? I believe that's the president of the university. And the board of directors. Abort, abort! There is no abort. Well, how could you not put in an abort? I made a boo-boo, alright? I think the board will really appreciate how well we're using that NSA grant, President Sieber. Right here we have a micro-controlled plasma... Wow. Looks like the Ganges on laundry day. At least they don't know it was you. Hello, Kripke. This classic prank comes to you from the malevolent mind of Sheldon Cooper. If you'd like to see the look on your stupid face, this video is being instantly uploaded to YouTube. Oh, and a hat tip to Leonard Hofstadter and Raj Koothrappali for their support and courage. Well, I'm going back to India. What's your plan? Please, Sheldon. I'm a lost Indian boy far from home, and I want a girlfriend, and I want her to be Abby, and she'll only come over if she can bring Martha. Raj, I highly doubt there is any argument you can make, threat you might levy, rhetorical strategy, plea, invocation, supplication, or... bet-o-mas that you can employ that would convince me to reconsider. My incredible hulk hands signed by Stanley. Oh, my. I've admired these for years. Does that mean we can go over the goals again? Hulk agreed to second date with Beauty Humans! You can't wear the hands on the date. Hulk sad. Boy, seems like forever since the four of us have been out to eat. You know, just the guys. Oh, God, yes, we get it. You have a girlfriend now. A little jealous, are we? No, I'm not jealous. All right, I'd kill a hobo if he'd get me laid. Now, can we order? Oh, dear Lord, they redid the menu. So what? It's the same food. Oh, is it? Look at this. General Tso's chicken is no longer listed under specialties. It's now under chicken. Tso? Yes, General Tso. Not Tso the chicken, Tso the question. Tso? Tso. Why is it no longer a specialty? Did the chef lose confidence in the dish or himself? And look over here. Shrimp in mobster sauce. What is mobster sauce? It's obviously a typo. Perhaps. Perhaps this restaurant's now a front for organized crime. After all, we know the mobster sauce contains actual chunks of deceased mobsters. No, no, no, no. I think it just means it's the kind of sauce that mobsters like. It doesn't mean any of that. It's a typo. You know what? Let's just get a pizza. Good idea. We'll go to Corleone's. Sure, no mobsters there. Backdoor has a five-pin tumbler system, single-circuit alarm, child's play. You can start sorting protons and neutrons while I build carbon atoms. No, I don't think so. We need to go home now. But I'm still working. If you don't come out of there, I'm gonna have to drag you out. You can try, but you'll never catch me. Sakes. Bazinga. Over here. Bazinga. Hey, Leonard, where do you come down on giant ants? Sheldon says impossible. Howard and I say not only possible, but as a mode of transportation, way cooler than a Batmobile. You are ignoring the square cube law. The giant ant would be crushed under the weight of its own exoskeleton. And for the record, the appropriate ranking of cool modes of transportation is jetpack, hoverboard, transporter, Batmobile, and then giant ant. Seriously? You have nothing better to do than sit around and discuss the possibility of giant ants? What's with him? Perhaps he's at a sensitive point in his monthly cycle. Are you saying he's manstrating? Not literally. As far back as the 17th century, scientists observed a 33-day fluctuation in men's hormone levels. Interesting. That might explain my weepy days in the middle of the month. You know what I'm talking about. I've taken the liberty of having these made for our rematch. Wesley Crushers? No, not the Wesley Crushers. The Wesley Crushers. I don't get it. Wesley Crusher was Willow Eaton's character on Star Trek. Still don't get it. It's a blindingly clever play on words. By appropriating his character's name and adding the S, we imply that we'll be the Crushers of Wesley. Okay, I'm sorry, honey, but the Wesley Crushers sounds like a bunch of people who like Wesley Crusher. No, again, it's not the Wesley Crushers. It's the Wesley Crushers. Well, if you want it to mean you're crushing Wesley, it'd be the Wesley Crushers. Do you people even hear yourselves? It's not the Wesley Crushers. It's not the Wesley Crushers. It's the Wesley Crushers. Hey, look. They named their team after me. No, it's not. Never mind. Canceled my visa. Oh, yay, a new MasterCard. Uh-oh. What? I was going to get my mail. Okay. Are you hoping to get it telepathically? I think you mean telekinetically. And no. I just wasn't sure of the proper protocol now that you and Leonard are no longer having coitus. God, can we please just say no longer seeing each other? Well, we could if it were true. But as you live in the same building, you see each other all the time. A variable which has changed is the coitus. Say hello to your mother for me. Okay. What? You said you were going for a walk. I didn't say outside. So what, you're just going to walk up and down the stairs? No, of course not. That would be odd and suspicious behavior. Here, Rebels. Here, boy. Which way are you going? I parked my scooter down the block. I'm going the other way. Bye. Bye. Actually, I'm this way. Do I smell hot dogs? No. I mean, I have no idea what you smell. I definitely smell raw hot dogs. Perhaps you're getting a brain tumor. All right. Have a nice walk. Bye, shall. Have a nice scoot. You might want to stand back. I'm sitting on top of 13 horses here. Nice doggy. I bet you think you smell hot dogs. Look, a cat. Penny. Here. I had to trade the others for my life. I'll be playing host to Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton. The cosmological physicist from Princeton? Yes. And until you acquire a surgical mask, please address your comments to me through a napkin. We've been corresponding for years about our mutual interest in gravitational wave signatures of inflatons in the early universe, and now she's under consideration for a position at our university. Why didn't you tell me you knew Elizabeth Plimpton? I am a huge fan of hers. I didn't realize I was obligated to share my connection with things you're a fan of. But very well. You enjoy Canadian bacon? I've been to Toronto. Okay, fine. Where is she going to sleep? My room, of course. Holy crap! I have a two-part question. Go ahead. A, are you kidding me? And B, seriously, are you freaking kidding me? A, I rarely kid. And B, when I do kid, you will know it by my use of the word bazinga. So you're saying the two of you are going to be sleeping in the same bed? Yes. Bazinga. Yes? Uh, I'm Leonard Hofstetter. I called you about the apartment. You said to come by... I know what I said. I know what you said. I know what my mother said on March 5th, 1992. What is the sixth noble gas? What? You said you're a scientist. What is the sixth noble gas? Uh, radon? Are you asking me or telling me? Telling you. All right. Next question. Kirk or Picard? Oh, uh, well, that's tricky. Um, original series over Next Generation, but Picard over Kirk. Correct. You've passed the first barrier to roommatehood. You may enter. Oh, this is pretty nice. Uh, the bedrooms are back there? That depends. I don't understand. Their existence is conditional? No, but your ability to perceive their existence is conditional on you passing the second and third barriers. There's three? Each more daunting than the last. Have a seat. Okay. No, that's where I sit. Explain the couch. Uh, well, there were some people on the first floor moving out and they sold it to me for $100. Howard and Raj helped me bring it up. But what's wrong with the furniture we have? They're lawn chairs. And there was no place for company. Did it occur to you that was by design? According to the roommate agreement, I'm entitled to allocate 50% of the cubic footage of the common areas. But you didn't notify me by email, so this is still a breach. I did notify you. Oh, you did, did you? You rat! Hoisted by my own spam filter. What am I doing in your spam folder? I put you there after you forwarded me a picture of a cat playing the piano entitled This is Funny. When I gloat over the failure of this enterprise, how would you prefer I do it? The standard I told you so? Or the classic neener-neener? Or just my normal look of haughty derision? Wrong yet. Haughty derision it is. Excuse me? I'm Amy Farrah Fowler. You're Sheldon Cooper. Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler. I'm sorry to inform you that you have been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey on the gullible and the lonely. Additionally, I'm being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock. If that was slang, I'm unfamiliar with it. If it was literal, I share your aversion to soiled hosiery. In any case, I'm here because my mother and I have agreed that I will date at least once a year. Interesting. My mother and I have the same agreement about church. I don't object to the concept of a deity, but I'm baffled by the notion of one that takes attendance. Well, then you might want to avoid East Texas. Noted. Now, before this goes any further, you should know that all forms of physical contact up to and including coitus are off the table. May I buy you a beverage? Tepid water, please. Good God, what have we done? That's my water. What? My water. You're drinking it. Dear Lord. Have you been drinking it? Yes, it's my water. Well, that's it, then. I'm dead. Here we go. I'm sorry. Do I really need to connect the dots for you? The backwash into this glass is every pathogen that calls your mouth home sweet home. Not to mention the visitors who arrive on the dancing tongue of your subtropical girlfriend. Hey, that's my sister and my country you're talking about. Then it may have defiled one, but I won't have you talking smack about the other. You guys ready to order? Yes, I'd like a seven-day course of penicillin, some syrup of ipecac to induce vomiting, and a mint. I don't understand. He drank from Leonard's glass. Words he'll be carving into my tombstone. That's actually my napkin. Oh, this is a nightmare! To the bar to sterilize my mouth with alcohol. Gangway, dead man walking! Finally. Oh, what fresh hell is this? Wait, you can't leave here. You've been exposed! No, I haven't. It's all good. Mountain elf. He takes the elf from off the shelf. Hell hounds. Hell hounds, who let the satanic dogs out? Who, who, who? Colossal serpent. I got a colossal serpent right here. Must you? Sorry, I'm just trying to cheer my buddy up. Rotting zombie. Sheldon's new Facebook photo. Xandor, wizard of the north. Ha, I win. Did you skip the part about being under a two-week quarantine because you were exposed to a deadly disease? Absolutely. What you doing there? Working on a new plan to catch the Roadrunner? The humorous implication being that I am Wile E. Coyote? Yes. And this is a schematic for a bird trapping device that will ultimately backfire and cause me physical injury? Yes. What I'm doing here is trying to determine when I'm going to die. A lot of people are working on that research. What is all this? My family history factoring in longevity, propensity for disease, etc. Interesting. Cause of death for Uncle Carl was KBB? What's KBB? Killed by badger. How's that? It was Thanksgiving. Uncle Carl said, I think there's a badger living in our chimney. Hand me that flashlight. Those were the last words he ever spoke to us. What about your pedometer? Don't have one. Do you have telematics in your shoes connected to an iPod? Uh, no. What do you do? You just go out there and gamble about like a bunny? No, I just run till I'm hungry and then I stop for a bear claw. Why are you doing that? It's good to stretch your muscles before you run. Alright. Alright, let's start with a toe touch. Okay, you do it. I am doing it. Oh, wow. Good job. Okay, um, can you do this? We'll never know. Okay, let's just warm up on the run. Okay. Okay, let's go. I've been reading up on biomechanics. I think you'll be surprised if I... Oh my God, are you okay? I think so. Let me help you up. Thank you. Oh, Sheldon! If it makes you feel any better, Thursday is no longer cruciferous vegetable night. Together, in this car, with my enhanced capabilities, we're like Knight Rider. Except in Knight Rider, the car isn't a yammering sphincter. You mock the sphincter, but the sphincter is a class of muscle without which human beings couldn't survive. Over 50 different sphincters in the human body. How many can you name? I was wrong. This is exactly like Knight Rider. Perhaps you'd be interested in a different game. No! This is a photograph of the 1911 Solvay Conference on the theory of radiation and quanta. Using Photoshop, I've introduced a few anachronisms. See if you can spot all 24. I'll give you the first one. Madame Curie should not be wearing a digital watch. And go. Bazinga! Ride switch. I almost died! And I'm safe and sound in bed. Who's crazy now? I'm still gonna go with you! Surprise. Unexpected pleasure. My, my, that's a powerful smell. I'd like you to meet Oppenheimer, Frisch, Penofsky, Feynman, Weiskopf. Yeah, I get it. You got a lot of cats and you gave them cute Jewish names. Cats make wonderful companions. They don't argue or question my intellectual authority. And this little guy here, I think you'll find to be quite zazzy. You should have called sooner. You said I could buy a desk. This isn't a desk. This is a Brobdingnagian monstrosity. Is that the American idiom for giant big-ass desk? It's actually British. Can you say it again for me? Brobdingnagian. One more time? Brobdingnagian. Now three times fast? Brobdingnagian. Brobdingnagian. How did you even get it in here? That's for me, Ramon, Julio, Jesus and Rodrigo to know and you to find out. All right, you've made your point. A fine prank. Very amusing. Now get it out. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. I have three brothers and two sisters, Sheldon. I can do this all day. All right, if you're not going to remove it, I'll remove it for you. Knock yourself out. Help me move my desk. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. It's too Brobdingnagian. The hidden reality takes on a grand question. Is our universe the only universe? You see, there's a growing belief among scientists like me that ours may only be one among many universes, populating a gigantic cosmos. In the hidden reality, I explore this possibility without presuming any knowledge of mathematics or physics on the part of the reader. Hysterical. I'm glad you talked me into this. We work so hard, sometimes it's nice to goof off and do something silly. Agreed. Wait till you hear how he dumbs down Werner Heisenberg for the crowd. You may actually believe you're in a comedy club. You can think about Heisenberg's uncertainty principle much like the special order menu that you find in a certain Chinese restaurant where you have dishes in column A and other dishes in column B. And if you order the first dish in column A, you can't order the corresponding dish in column B. That's sort of like the uncertainty principle. Ba-dum-bum. Nice shot. Thank you. My father taught me archery as a child. It's odd how the activity brings back the smell of Kmart bourbon. Perfect. I know. What an elf I would have made. What do you think you're doing? Shooting at a target. With what? An arrow. Really? I didn't see you draw one from your quiver. I'm not going to do that, Sheldon. Leonard, the people at Nintendo can only go so far in helping us recreate an actual athletic experience. We have to do our part too. That was uncalled for, but I'll play along. Ow. Leonard, are you in the shower? I can't hear you, I'm in the shower. I asked if you were in the shower, but that's moot now. What? Moot. Rendered unimportant by recent events. I can't hear you, I'm in the shower. I have to skip the chit-chat. Emergency. What kind of emergency? Mathematical. 32-ounce banana smoothie, 16-ounce bladder. You might not want to do that. Why, sure you I do. Sheldon, I'm not alone in here. What? Hello, Sheldon. What are you doing in there? She can't be in here. We were in here first. You can't be in here. According to the roommate agreement, paragraph 9, subsection B, the right to bathroom privacy is suspended in the event of force majeure. And believe me, I'm experiencing a very majeure force. Come on, you can't wait two minutes. Leonard, let the man pee. Penny, Penny, Penny. What? Move, move, move. I can handle it. Top of her class, Cambridge University. Licensed to practice law in three countries and your face. All right, based on a cursory reading, it doesn't look like you have much of a case, Sheldon. Do so, do so. Oh, I'm afraid not. Section 7 here, on the right to enter the bathroom in emergency situations, is not specific as to what constitutes an emergency. That's ridiculous. A bathroom emergency is self-explanatory. Is it? If Leonard forgot to trim his nose hair, could he barge in while you were showering? Irrelevant. Leonard doesn't trim his nose hair. He thinks because he's short, nobody can see up there. Point is, Sheldon, the legal principle is ambiguity in a contract benefits the party that did not draft it. In this case, Leonard. So much for count one. But there's no but, Sheldon. That's how the law works. Schooled. As for the shower capacity issue, I cite addendum J. When Sheldon showers second, any and all measures shall be taken to ensure an adequate supply of hot water. I believe this supersedes the occupancy issue. Superseded. Tonight is pizza night. I'd like to refer that to my attorney. According to what I see here, Thursday nights are Franconi's pizza night. Yes, and when Franconi's went out of business, we switched to Graziano's. Interesting. Can you just switch restaurants like that, Priya? Good question, Howard. Turns out you can't. According to the document you drew up, Sheldon, the selection of a new take-out restaurant requires public hearings and a 60-day comment period. Were those criteria met? No. This is Greek food? Leonard, you hate Greek food. Not as much as you. Shake it, baby, shake it! Moi, Caliente, Sheldon! Care to dance? Oh, sorry. I'm engaged. How about you? Good news. I finally have a handle on my idea for three-person chess. That is good news. Bye. Do you know how I solved the balance-center-combat-area problem? Five words. Transitional quadrilateral to triangular tessellation. That's brilliant. It's what I do. But wait, there's more. I also invented two new chess pieces. The serpent... and the old woman. Okay, now I have to ask, what do they do? When the serpent slithers to an opposing player's piece, that piece is considered poisoned and will die after two more moves. All right. Unless it gets to the old woman in time, in which case she sucks out the poison, turning her into the Grand Empress. A piece combining the power of the knight, queen, and serpent. Elegant. That's because it's simple. I was proposing you massage your muscles with your own hand. Still sounds like a lot of unnecessary touching. Trust me. With your right hand, locate the spot where the scapula meets the acromion process. All right. Now push your third finger along the ridge of the shoulder blade, making a small rotation as you do so. Rotating? You should feel a small node-like object rolling back and forth along the bone. You mean the myofascial point? Obviously. Now bear down on it like the seventh-grade noogies we all know too well. Oh, dear Lord. Yes. Yes. Oh, yes. Amy, I've never been touched like this before. Oh, my hands are magic. Don't flatter yourself. Your hands are blunt tools guided by my knowledge of the nervous system. I could just as easily have paralyzed you. And Tara Banks says the most important item in your makeup bag is a good night's sleep. All right. This is a form indemnifying me from your use of Leonard's bedroom. Signed here indicating that I tried to stop you and did so using a stern facial expression. Good night, Sheldon. Wait, not yet. We still have to go over safety procedures. Now, the apartment has three emergency exits located here, here, and here. In the event of a power outage, luminous paint will guide you to the nearest exit. You're kidding. I never kid about safety. Stumpling. Oh, me. Do the penny. A moment. We just had Thai food. In that culture, the last morsel is called the grangie piece, and it is reserved for the most important and valued member of the group. You all bring us high honor. I've seen pictures of your mother. Keep eating. Leonard, check it out. I bought an Engage locomotive, half the size of HO. Look, fits in my mouth. Sounds like you had a great night. I did. How was yours? Not bad. I had a lot more fun with Amy than I thought I would. What exactly do you mean by that? Turns out she really knows how to help a guy loosen up and have a good time. Although, truth be told, my groin's a little worse for wear. Ow! Why'd you do that? To send a message. She is not for you. What? Not for you. One moment. I'm conducting an experiment. With Dungeons and Dragons dice? Yes. From here on in, I've decided to make all trivial decisions with a throw of the dice, thus freeing up my mind to do what it does best, enlighten and amaze. Page 14, item 7. So, what's for dinner? A side of corn succotash. Interesting. Um, Howard, can I see you for a minute, please? I don't want to show any more of your friends how I can fit in the booster seats. Uh, no, that's not it. Just come with me, please. Let's see what I'll be washing that succotash down with. A pitcher of margaritas. Do you really want that? That's the great thing. It doesn't matter. My mind is freed up to think about more important things. What's it thinking about now? Hamburgers and lemonade. Mustache is looking good there, Sheldon. Don't thank me. Thank the dice. They told me what percentage of my face to shave. Why are you still doing this? Because it's working. In the past few weeks, unburdened by trivial decisions, I've co-authored two papers in notable peer-reviewed journals, and I'm close to figuring out why the Large Hadron Collider has yet to isolate the Higgs boson particle. You left out gut-shaped testicles because you no longer wear underpants. The dice giveth and the dice taketh away. Next to the dungeon is a moss-covered door. You manage to open it, only to find yourself face-to-face with a hideous, foul-smelling, moss-covered ogre. What do you do? I say, hey, Ma, what's for dinner? Seventeen. The ogre is amused by your joke and allows you to pass. Good-bye, Dubai. I liked it, too. How go the wedding plans, Howard? Great. Spent five hours last night at Macy's, registering for gifts. Looks like I'm finally going to have that darling little earthenware asparagus dish I've always wanted. See, this is the good thing about having a girlfriend 9,000 miles away. I can spend my nights doing whatever I want. You mean like playing nerd games with us and then taking a suspiciously long shower? Maybe. We enter the dungeon. You see a dragon. Really? So we're playing Dungeons and Dragons and we walk into a dungeon and see a dragon? Not a little on the nose. When you play Chutes and Ladders, do you complain about all the chutes and all the ladders? Oh, I see you guys have found my little treasure. Yeah. It's okay, I guess. Okay? It's magnificent. What do you want for it? Well, it's hard to put a price on something that's a copy of something that was on pay cable. For my friends, let's say $250. Oh, that's pretty steep. Well, it's a limited edition. They only made 8,000 of these bad boys. It's only 8,000. We're wasting precious time. Buy it. Hang on. Can you do any better? Are you kidding? I'm already giving you the friends and family discount. Don't you hear that? We're getting the friends and family discount. We are honored and we will take it. Slow down. $200. What are you doing? $250 is already a discounted price. Will you shut up? Tell you what, I'll go $235. Nope. Maybe another time. Okay, $225 is my final offer. Take it. Take it. $200. Man, you're killing me. We're killing you. I can't breathe. $210 and I'm losing money. Oh, no. We can't let him lose money, Leonard. I'm so sorry. $210 and you throw in the Iron Man helmet. Are you crazy? That helmet's signed by Robert Downey Jr. So? Okay, if you're going to question the importance of an actor's signature on a plastic helmet from a movie based on a comic book, then all of our lives have no meaning. Okay, fine. Just the sword. $210. Thank you. I can eat meat this week. See that? I just saved us $40. I've long said what you lack in academic knowledge, you make up for in street smarts. You want me to wrap it? No, it's okay. I'm going to stab my friend in the chest. Dan, what difference does it make if Leonard goes to Wil Wheaton's party? No, Wil Wheaton is Sheldon's mortal enemy. Mortal enemy? Mm-hmm. Sheldon, I know you're a bit of a left-handed monkey wrench, but... You really have a mortal enemy? In fact, I have 61 of them. Would you like to see the list? Oh, say no, say no, say no, say no. You just got off the list. Would you like back on it? It'll just take a moment. It's on a five and a quarter inch floppy. A floppy disk? I started the list when I was nine. How did Wil Wheaton get on the list? What's up? It just occurred to me that I never formally congratulated you on your pending nuptials, so I hopped on the first bus and hightailed it down here to shake your hand. You put her there, you old so-and-so. Well, I'm going to see you at work in 12 hours. Don't you think you could have waited until then? Holy smoke, why didn't I think of that? You're a better man than I, Howard Wolowitz. You put her there, you son of a gun. Whatever. It was a harmless Halloween prank. Look. Howard has a heart condition, you know that? I thought he made that up. Isn't hypochondria a common idiosyncrasy of Jewish people? This is adrenaline. We're going to have to inject it into his heart. We are? You are. I'm not strong enough to get it through his chest plate and we've only got one shot. Oh, no, I can't. Hurry, we're running out of time. Okay. Just do it. Oh, God. One, two, three. Trick or treat, bubble up. What? No. You mean this was all a ruse? How could I be so stupid? Oh, bother. Well, isn't that just always the way? You go to staple something and you're out of staples. Gosh, I wish I'd known that earlier today when I was at Staples. You ever think of paperclips right there? Oh, no, no. I need something more permanent to join these papers. Say, don't you keep staples in your top desk drawer? I don't know, maybe. Be a lamb and check. Right. Who do we have here? It's a snake, a terrifying snake. Did some bad man put us in a drawer? Stop talking like that. You've been rendered speechless by fear. Let's go to the biology lab and find you some nice yummy mice. I tried to scare an Indian with a snake. Come on, Cooper, you're better than this. Be sure to check the mail. How many times are you going to tell me? What's with you? Nothing. It's not suspicious that I'm fixating. It's consistent with my personality. Right. Hey, guys. More Halloween candy? Didn't you just buy a bunch of it yesterday? Oh, yeah, that's gone. It's a rough month when Halloween and PMS hit at the same time. Leonard doesn't have time to chat. He has to get the mail. Will you relax? I'll get it in a minute. Hey, how was work? Open the mail. Excuse me. A couple of circulars. Nothing important. What's with him? Hang on. You might be from Texas, but I'm from New Jersey. Bazinga, punk. Now we're even. I'm going to ask you something, and I'd like you to keep an open mind. Always. At this moment, I find myself craving human intimacy and physical contact. Oh, boy. You know ours is a relationship of the mind. Proposal. One wild night of torrid lovemaking that soothes my soul and inflames my loins. Counter-proposal. We'll gently stroke your head and repeat, Aw, who's a good Amy? How about this? French kissing. Seven minutes in heaven culminating in second base. Neck massage. Then you get me that beverage. We cuddle. Final offer. Very well. Oh, boy. I'm just saying second base is right there. Your Berg death ray is ready. It's not a death ray. It's just a little ultrasonic blast to scare him off. Trust me, if I had a death ray, I wouldn't be living here. I'd be in my lair, enjoying the money the people of Earth gave me for not using my death ray. All right, and in three, two, one. That is one tough birdie. This is ridiculous. I'm a grown man from Texas. This isn't a terrifying bird like a swan or a goose. It's just a blue jay. That's a pretty big blue jay. Two. Three. Go! Shoot! Bird, the apartment in the apartment! No! Friendly. I think he might be someone's pet. No, Bernadette, don't be a hero. He's a sweetie. Yes, he's very sweet. Now, slowly and carefully flush him down the toilet. Sheldon, the only way to get past this fear is to interact with it. Just like you did with the mailman. Every year, tens of people around the world are killed by birds. I'm not going to be another statistic. Sweeties, come over and say hi. You can do it. Don't be scared. Oh, just pet the bird, you big baby! I did it. I actually did it. Okay, now flush him. Who do we love? Penny. Who do we love? Penny. Who do we love? Penny. Hello, Sheldon. Come on in. Thank you. What's up? I came to ask if you would like to go on a date with me. Sorry, what? A date. You and me. Dining, dancing. Perhaps you'd like to take in a prize fight? God, are you trying to make Amy jealous? No! Why is everyone so obsessed with Amy and Stuart? And whether or not they may be having more pumpkin lattes or intercourse tonight. Okay, listen to me. Playing games is not going to help get Amy back. I am not trying to get her back. But out of curiosity, what is a way? Alright, honey, let me tell you a story. There was a guy I liked, and I never told him how I felt. Eventually, he started going out with someone else, and I always regretted it. Do you see where I'm going with this? I believe I do. I'm the guy. You're not the guy. Are you sure? I would explain so much. Your constant presence in my apartment. That baffling dalliance with Leonard just to be near me. The way you call me sweetie all the time. I call everyone sweetie. You tramp. Look, Sheldon, all I'm saying is strap on a pair and go talk to Amy. Strap on a pair? What, skates? Oh, sweetie, you are so not the guy. Pardon me. Excuse me. Hi, Stuart. Hi, Sheldon. Pardon me. Sheldon, what are you doing here? The thought of you sitting in a darkened theater with a character like Stuart is repellent. No offense, Stuart. None taken. Although repellent is kind of a strong word. I'm sorry this causes you discomfort, but based on the currently established parameters of our relationship, I can put myself in any repellent situation I want. Again, Stuart, please, you're being rude. Anything else? I believe I would like to alter the paradigm of our relationship. I'm listening. With the understanding that nothing changes whatsoever, physical or otherwise, I would not object to us no longer characterizing you as not my girlfriend. Interesting. Now try it without the quadruple negative. You're being impossible. Hi, Stuart. Fine. Amy, will you be my girlfriend? Yes. That's enough of that. Sorry to interrupt. You two enjoy your date. Here's a dollar for your troubles. Get yourself some Sour Patch Kids. Good thing I drew this up. What's that? I present to you the relationship agreement. A binding covenant that in its 31 pages enumerates, iterates, and codifies the rights and responsibilities of Sheldon Lee Cooper, here and after known as The Boyfriend, and Amy Farrah Fowler, here and after known as The Girlfriend. So romantic. Mutual indemnification always is. Why don't you start perusing while I set up my notary stamp? Section 5. Handholding. Handholding is only allowed under the following circumstances. A. Either party is in danger of falling off a cliff, precipice, or ledge. B. Either party is deserving of a hearty handshake after winning a Nobel Prize. C. Moral support during flu shots. Seems a bit restrictive. Yeah, yeah. Feel free to retain a lawyer. The first 43 parallel universes I've checked proved to be empty. I see no reason to suspect universe number 44 will be any different. It's eating my face! It's eating his face! What are you doing? You said I'm not using my space, so I'm using it. Okay, you need to move now. No, I don't. You can't stay there forever. Actually, I have a plastic baggie strapped to my leg that says I can. Give up, Wolowitz. You've chosen to tangle with a superior intellect you can't defeat. There is nothing you could possibly do to... Help you, Sheldon. Oh, yes, they are. I mean, Wyatt. I'm warning you, Sheldon. Your threats are empty. Nothing can move me. Stop that. Get out of my spot! No, that's it. I am calling campus security. You prepare for the scolding of your life. What are you idiots doing? He's trying to kill me, Leonard. Video games and rock music have desensitized him to violence. Would you please talk some sense into your lunatic roommate? They're both acting like lunatics. It's just a parking spot. It's not just a parking spot. He can't handle the fact that I'm a bigger deal than he is now. Oh, preposterous. I have been solely responsible for this university's six-loop quantum gravity calculations. I have changed the way we think about Bose-Einstein condensates. And I am also the one who got Nutter Butters in the cafeteria vending machine. Maybe you missed that news while you were floating around like a goof in outer space. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do. Can you believe this guy? What I don't believe is that you tried to run him over. Oh, like you've never thought of doing that. Don't hate me just because I lived the dream. Hey, sweet ride. What are you doing in there? Just breaking in your new car. You stop that. You know what they say. Revenge is a dish best served nude.