My 76-Year-Old Mother Loses the NYC Marathon Every Year | Paul Morrissey Stand-Up Comedy

But everyone's gone. They moved south. I moved west. My parents moved south. My parents are retired in Florida. And my mom's 76 years old. She just ran the New York City Marathon for the 31st year in a row this past year. And I noticed she didn't clap, sir. You're not impressed? I was like, did she win? I'm not clapping unless she won. Actually, she loses every year now I think about it. That's what I should tell her. I'm on the west coast. She wakes me up after running five hours. Like, don't even wake me up unless you won, woman. Now, how many people have run a marathon before? Round of applause if you run a marathon. Oh, wow. You guys are in shape, man. How many have you done, sir? Are you allowed to say? I just won a long time ago. Just won a long time ago. And you won't do it again. And it's 20 pounds ago. And it's 20, I don't know if I want to ask you because the young kids, they don't know like, marathon is like a slang term for doing something longer than five minutes, you know? So I did it. I did a show. I was like, who's done a marathon? This kid's like, I did one. I did the Pasadena 5K. I was like, that's not a marathon. That's a 5K, you idiot, you know? They'll be like, I did one. I did season one and two of The Office on Netflix. That's a Netflix marathon. Took me six hours. No, and you won't do any more, right? Yeah, one is enough, right? You look like you've done more than one. You're in shape. One and done. One and done, yeah. My mom just loves running. She doesn't listen to headphones or anything. She just runs until the voices in her head stop, you know? She's one of those people. And she'll keep doing it. She's doing it again this year. And just to make you feel worse, sir, she actually did win. She's in the new age group. She's over 75. So she won third place in her age group. So she won a Tiffany plate. So she did win. Now you have to clap. Yeah, I don't know. People don't like running, you know? Even if your friend's like, hey, do you want to run this weekend? It's the only thing we use the metric system for. That's how much we hate running. Did you guys ever figure that out? When they're like, hey, do you want to do a run this weekend? I was like, not really. How about like two miles? Like, should we even print a T-shirt for two miles? We'll call it a 5K. Nobody knows what that is. Sounds like 5,000 or something. Yeah, nobody likes to run, man. Even the guy who ran a marathon doesn't want to run anymore. That's why we don't like soccer in America. That's why it hasn't translated. Too much running, you know? We don't even like to watch people run that much. And I know there's too much running in soccer because grown men pretend to be hurt just so they can stop running. That doesn't happen any other job, any other sport. You can't be a waiter and just fall down when someone comes within five feet of you like a fainting goat. But yeah, and no time ops in soccer. They didn't do that either. All the advertisers are mad. They just write Gatorade on the field while they're running through it, you know what I mean? So they run 45 minutes, right? All running, and then they finally score the goal. You're like, all right, this is when everyone collapses. But no, the guy who scores the goal, he sprints to the corner, makes everyone else chase after him for his little celebration, you know? If I'm on his team, I almost don't want to score the goal because I don't do that extra running, you know what I mean? So here's my idea. If I was to score a goal in soccer, my goal celebration would be everyone just sit down for a minute, you know what I mean? I'd even be sponsored by Lazy Boy, have them bring out chairs. We'll be right back. Here's a message from Gatorade. We're going to sit down. How many people at workout? We got some workout people? Round of applause. We got some people, yeah? That's good. I tried the CrossFit. I don't know if you've done the CrossFit. That's when you pay $100 to go to some guy's garage and move his stuff around for an hour. I think you're just moving this guy's old exercise equipment or move his old Bowflex boxes around. I got suspicious my class was a scam. At the end of the class, we did a 2-mile run with the teacher's boxes to his storage unit. I was like... I think you just paid to move this guy. This is genius. I just don't like what the men wear to work out. They wear those tight shirts now. You seen that? You're a tight shirt guy. You're in shape, though. But it's like there's only like two guys in the world look good in that shirt. Everybody else just looks like a sausage, you know what I mean? Everybody else looks like an out-of-shape superhero trying to make it back to their prime. I was like, who is that guy? I think it used to be Batman. Yeah, remember back in the day, it's a whole big business now, the workout stuff, Under Armour, Nike, all that stuff. Because it used to be your workout shirt was just your oldest shirt, you know what I mean? Like my dad's workout shirt had bloodstains on it. He checked the oil with it. And my mom's like, don't you want to throw that away? I was like, I'll work out in it. Now they're the most expensive shirts. I went to Under Armour, they make the tight shirts. I was like, hey, buddy, what's the deal with these really tight shirts? He's like, it's compression shirts, tight, compresses your muscles. I was like, what if I just want a regular shirt that's kind of loose and comfortable? He's like, I maybe don't want it bad enough. I was like, what does that mean? I just want a shirt, you know? Guy's on steroids just working in there, you know? And so here's the deal, the compression shirt, really tight shirt was $50, regular, cotton T-shirt, only 10 bucks. This is what I did, I'm smart. I got a regular T-shirt, I just got a small. I still look ridiculous, but I saved 40 bucks. You know what I mean? I want to feel like they didn't get the best of me. But do we have any workout people, anybody do the Peloton bike? That was a big thing for a little while. Round of applause for the Peloton, for the bike that sits in your house and doesn't go anywhere. It's like $4,000 for a bike that doesn't move. It's in your room, you know? Most people just hang laundry on it, you know? And that was my plan. I was like, one of my friends was like, everyone wants them so much that there's like a six-month waiting period. So I was like, all right, here's what I'll do. I'll order it and I'll be a fat slob for six months and when the bike gets here, I'll turn into Lance Armstrong, you know what I mean? And so when I called, they're like, no, we can send it right out, no waiting period. I was like, ah, I'm still on the fence about this, you know? And then they kept upselling me, you know? They're just like, oh, you need shoes also. I was like, well, I don't need shoes for a bike that's inside in my room. They're like, you need a bike lock too. And I was like... And then they were like, you need a headlight. I was like, hey, wait a second, man. I didn't think I'm gonna ride this at night, you know?