You Might Recognize Me. Mike E. Winfield - Full Special

You know what's wild? People think they recognize me and sometimes I hate it because they say dumb stuff, you know? They're like, man, you, um, man, you, man, I'm sorry. I'm good with faces. I'm just not good with names. I'm like, well, obviously that can't happen the other way around. No one's gonna roll up to you like, look, man, I don't recognize you, but you're Mikey Winfield. I'm good with names. What up, Fred? You know me? Nah. And I can understand the difficulty for some of you. I can imagine it's strange seeing a microphone holding a microphone. If you didn't get that, you should leave now. It's going to be too complicated for you. And just know, I can feel it. I know some of you are still staring at my hair. Touch it. And I get it. Who doesn't want to touch an afro? It's so mysterious. Is it hard? Is it soft? What happens when you put water on it? If I put my fingers on it, wouldn't it leave a handprint? These are daily questions for me. Do you even use a pillow? You know what's messed up? I know some of you are still waiting for the answer. I do want to know that pillow one. You ask them. I'm not racist. Okay, I'll tell you the first one. When I put water on it, look, you guys got your notepads out. I'm joking, I'm sorry. I can't tell you. I don't want to get kicked out of black. That would be a sad day. Yo, Mike, we gotta let you go. For real? For that stuff to happen in Utah? I'm so happy to be back on stage again. I was off for like a year and a half because they told me I wasn't essential. You know, I was like, this feels amazing. And I used to have an essential job. I quit, I quit. I worked there for a lot of hateful years. A lot of hateful years. Why is it when you hate your job, they won't fire you? I was giving my manager hints. You know I was late today. I worked in the worst department at the grocery store. You know the worst department. Not produce, not the freezer, not meat. You know the worst department. I worked in the steel department. You familiar with the steel department? Self-checkout lane? I got paid to watch people steal all day. People think you're so stupid. You know when they're going to rob you when they're bringing up their stuff, they always got to look back up at you. They're like, boop, boop. My manager, he was the worst. He would line us all up and he's like, listen, if people are stealing, I need you to do something. You know, and you know, the employees like Paul, he was like, we live around here. We know these fools. And one day, someone was stealing. Paul grabbed him. Paul just grabbed him. The guy was like, happy, this is for you, dog. Paul was like, struggle with me, then run off. William got away. I was like, wait, wait, how do you know him? He's like, I'm good with knives. This one guy, he tried to humiliate me. I knew he was going to rob us because I'm looking at him, he's looking at me. I'm like, just steal it. I'm not coming after you. I'm wearing orthopedic shoes. I can't run in these. He tries to play me in front of everyone. While he's ringing up his stuff, he makes the beep noise with his mouth. He didn't even do it right. You got to act this out. Go all in, raise your pitch at least. He's like, beep. I'm like, dude, the produce is not even supposed to make a sound. You're beeping un-beepable stuff. Clear example of someone who doesn't know how the old saying goes, right? You don't sit a cake mix if you ain't stole the bowl. Right, you don't sit a cake mix if you ain't stole the bowl. You guys are like, I've never heard that. I like how everyone's looking for the black people like, have you heard that? Black people like, we ain't heard it either, man. You got to ask Mike. You guys haven't heard, you don't sit a cake mix if you ain't stole the bowl? No, I made it up. I made it up. But you should use it. Your face is gray. She's like, how? I went to, I don't understand. You got to use it during arguments. You ever been in an argument that's going back and forth but it's going nowhere because they won't shut up and you just want to end it? Just deliver the line, walk off, it ends the entire situation. It's all on your delivery. You just got to, what now? You don't sit a cake mix if you ain't stole the bowl. All it takes is one person tonight to be like, you know what? He has a point. Where you going to mix it? I met my wife at the grocery store. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's older. She was the manager. I was the bagger. Then I bagged her. Yeah. It's cool working with your wife when she's the manager. It's just hard to call in sick when you're laying right next to her. Yeah, we have an age difference, man. She's older. I'm into that. I've always been into older women. They used to call me the Veracruz vein chaser. Yeah, I like older moms. When does that end though? I've always been into older women. When does that end? Never? So I'm going to be like 80? Look at her over there about to die. I know you can't hear me, girl. I got to get those before the Lord does. I got some tennis balls for that walker. That would probably work, huh? She's like, Like, yeah, three pack. Wilson. No, look, we got a cool age difference. Let me be more clear. My wife's older. She's not like oxygen tank old. You know, she's just like. That's funny, oxygen tank old. Have you tried it? Has anyone? A relationship with someone with an oxygen tank? Do you not see the pros? Could you imagine doing an argument if you had access to somebody's air supply? This year, we're going to spend the holidays with my family. How do you feel? I need you to nod your head, okay? Okay, there you go. Now, look, I enjoy the age difference. I really embrace it. I love it. I just don't like being treated like a kid. Like, she'll do it in front of people. We'll be in a grocery store. You better not throw anything extra in the shopping cart. I'm like, that's hard for me to do while I'm sitting in it. You know what? I don't have to take this. I'm going outside and riding a horse. Give me a quarter. No, it's really cool, man. The age difference is cool, you know? Like I said, she's older. I got a stepson. Me and him, we like the same age. I call him step-man. He drove me here. That's my step-home boy. It's a weird dynamic if you see it, too. You know, like my wife and I, we were arguing. Step-man was in the room. And she motions for him to leave. I'm like, wait, wait, wait. Why does he have to leave? She's like, Michael, we're not gonna argue in front of the kid. I'm like, no, he can stay. He got some of the same issues with you that I have. And I'm not to cause you any anger. Step-man said, this has been going on for years. Come back, step-man. It's two against one. We can win this time. I can see you! Step-man does things I've never seen in my life before. He's been buying products around the house to prove he's responsible, using my money. I walked in, he was eating his cereal. I'm like, hey, hey, don't waste that milk. He's like, I bought it. I'm like, okay, okay. He doesn't waste the milk. Walks the bowl of milk past the sink and places the bowl of milk inside of the refrigerator. So first I'm like, who reuses cereal milk? But then I was like, how good would my cereal taste double cocoa puffed up? All these years, I've been single milking it. I just needed my milk to marinate. That should be sold in stores. Mike E.'s Mystery Milk. Step-man was drinking, underage high school party. My wife and I, we discussing how to handle it. I'm like, I don't know what to do. She's like, go get him. I drive around the corner to pick him up. I came home three hours later. She said, Michael, you been drinking? I'm like, we got all the same friends. Everybody was there. He's still there. I'm gonna go get him again. I don't know why you weren't invited. Something happened in school. I don't know if it was an altercation, but I had to go up to step-man's school to pick him up. I get up to the school. Someone was giving me problems. You can't be in the hallway without a pass. I'm like, I don't go to this school, you old lady. Three hours later, my wife had to pick us both up from detention. I grew up in the mean, tough streets of Baltimore, Maryland. When I was like seven years old, I found a gun under my mom's pillow. I was like, man, I can't wait for my teeth to fall out. The two fairies handing out pistols. I'm gonna get a bazooka for these. People want to know, do we have children together? I'm like, yes, step-man. They're like, no, together. I'm like, oh, I get it, yeah. We got an 11-year-old. We call him real kid. Real kid has anger issues. It was cute at first because he's little now. We're like, he might need help. Super jealous. All you do is tell jokes about step-men. I'm like, well, do something funny then. I coach his little league team. That's not enough. They call me Coach Bro because I can't fit the hat. I just said it all the time. Oh, my gosh. Have you ever coached little leagues? Kids, man, they're the most entitled people you'll ever meet in your life. They all got these expensive equipment and backpacks, but they don't care what they put inside. They're like 9, 10, and 11. Child on my team goes up to bat. I don't see it at first. I'm like, what? No, no. You can't go up to bat with a Spider-Man mask. He flips out. Goes in the dugout, reveals his identity. All the players are like, Ryan! His own mother was like, I thought he left. He puts on a helmet. He gets up to bat. While he's up to bat, the other team's pitcher starts crying. Like, what's going on? This is weird. Coach, go talk to your kid. The coach runs out there. He's talking to him for like 60 seconds. He waves me over. I'm like, no. He's like, get over here. I'm like, all right. So I go to the mound. It's the coach, the kid, and me. I'm like, what's going on? Why is he crying? He's like, well, he's always wanted to pitch to Spider-Man. I'm like, Ryan, go put your mask back on. Real kid, put down the lightsaber. I love coaching. It's so rewarding. It's like what I want to do later in stand-up. When I'm done with stand-up, I want to coach, you know? And here's the thing. You don't know. We're volunteers. We do this because we love it, so we don't need your requests. Because guess what? Anyone can coach. You don't have to have experience. You just got to fill out the background check. And guess what? They don't even care how you fill it out. You fill it out and turn it in and they're like, whoa, whoa. A murder? Yeah, but it wasn't a kid. Oh, get on in here. I love coaching. Every season. On the first day of practice, I hold a mandatory parents meeting. Mandatory. So I can find out who the finest moms are and see which children I'm going to help the most. Little Ray on my team's like, coach, bro, can you help me with my swing? I'm like, I've seen your mom. You're on your own. Step-man, he was my assistant coach. But he quit, because they made him pay for his food at the snack bar. I try to be straightforward with the kids, you know, as much as I can. I hate when my other coaches aren't. You know, because kids, they get afraid when they're up to bat. And my coaches just say stuff like, hey, hang in there. Don't be afraid. It's not going to hurt. I'm like, it's going to hurt. It's a hard ball. That's why they call it that, you know? But I get it. They're terrified. You know, like I was when I played my one game of Little League. I got hit. It was over. But the worst thing is when a child gets hit by the pitch, because it is not supposed to be funny. But the problem is the baseball's technique. The ball's coming at you. You brace and you turn. That's how you properly get out the way. But they get out the way improperly, and the worst place a kid can get hit is the center of the back. And I hate it when I see it because they're afraid. They're like, ah, and they turn. Ah, ah! And the worst thing you can do when you're holding in your laugh is look at another person. And the kid's like, I can hear you! My wife, man, she was never into sports, anything like that. Now she's like the teen mom. It's cool how that happens, you know? I still don't understand it. I don't think I'll ever understand women. And I can't get that time back. There's just things I'm going to never understand. Like, how do you wake up already mad? How do you just wake up like, look at him. Just enjoying himself. Not in my house. This is what I hate. She won't tell me why she's mad. She always wants me to guess. And guess what, fellas, you already know that's a setup. It's a trap. Don't fall for it. Don't guess, because guess what? Guessing is confessing. You don't sit a cake mix if you ain't stole a bone. The worst is when she won't tell me why she's mad. She just does something angry. Like one time, oh my. I know she was upset. This is how I knew she was mad, because she made my sandwich with the two end pieces of bread. It's worse than you think it is. It wasn't even the last two pieces. Do you get that? That means she had to dig inside the loaf, reach for the back, and grab out the other end slice. And I didn't notice, because she tricked me and made the sandwich inside out. I was like, man, hey, it's on the brown side. I knew what I was eating, and I'm like, no, that tastes extra crusty or something. She handed it to me. I saw crumbs on her forearms. Like, I can't believe this. She tried to murder me with a double-butt bread sandwich. I was choking. I was like... Fortunately, Stepman came to save my life. I know, because I saw two dark-skinned arms wrap around me to give me the Heimlich. And I'm like... And I look back. I'm like, no, Stepman. No, Stepman. Put on some pants. But it worked, because I was like... So after he saved me, he was like, what did you do? I was like, I was here. That's what I don't understand either. Like, I get it, though. There's... Sometimes it's just too easy to irritate you. Ladies, sometimes you have a short wick. Like, you really want to upset her? You really want to upset her? Can't find something. Because if she tells you where something is and you don't see it, oh! But guess what? It's never where you say it is, ever. It's never there. Like, I am looking in the cabinet. It's not here. She's like, keep looking. There's nothing to keep looking at. It's not here. It's in there, stupid! No, it's not, okay? Can you just get up? You're not even doing anything. Don't ever say that. Once you say that, she's like a tornado. But she's still two cities away. That's how she gets up from her Lifetime movie. She's like... But I can talk crap tonight because she's not here. If we call you, it's because we don't see it. Help. You're not even doing anything. What is she doing? She on the computer trying to crack your Facebook password. Or watching the end of the Lifetime movie, they all end the same. The guy dies. I've received more genuine love from the dude at Target on aisle 8. He's never said about come down there and find him, I'm gonna bash your face! That still hasn't happened at Target. And so we're clear, it's not over, it's not under, it's not to the side, I don't need to keep looking. It's never where you say it is, ever. Right, sir? Right! Never there, right? Listening! It's never where you say it is. No, it's not, ma'am. It's never there. He's crying out for help. It's never where you say it is. And you know what's messed up? When she shows up, it magically appears. That's how stupid our face looks when we turn around like, how'd that get there? And do you have to be that rude? Then she's just rude, she grabs it. Do you see it now? Maybe if your eyes were as big as your teeth. What I realize is, you guys help me realize why I do this. I used to think I just stand up to brighten people's days, put smiles on people's faces. No. I do this because I'm married. And for like one half hour a night, I get to tell my side of the story. Help me out. Throw me a tip. Yeah. All the money's going to Stepman. It's going to Real Kids Anger Issues. And it's going to help me, you know, take care of that lady I was talking about.