Karlous Miller | That's Funny | LOL StandUp!

Having a ball almost didn't make it over here man. I had to drive through Cobb County get pulled over Don't know what to do when the police pull me over man. I just turned to a slave. I don't know You have any idea why I pulled you over? No, sir. I haven't the slightest idea Why you pulled me over sir? I just Mosey along to the grocery. I look behind you and seen blue lights are whooping and hollering Who I pulled over for the safety of both of us. I got my driver's license and my freedom papers. I mean registration I mean register Asking you all those crazy-ass questions when they pull you on what you're doing in Cobb County bitch, I'm leaving don't nobody visit No Cobb County They got all the questions when they pull you do you mind if I search your vehicle hell Yeah, I mind if you search my vehicle cuz I don't know what you looking for and I know you ain't lost ---- in my vehicle Well, well we're looking for drugs and large amounts of cash me too We looking for the same ---- We should ride together They try to trick me you mind stepping out your vehicle so I can hear you a little bit better These cars are passing by pretty quick Like hell. Yeah, I'm stepping out the vehicle Well, why is that cuz every nigga that just stepped out the vehicle ain't ever getting back in the vehicle. That's That's why. Oh There will be no stepping out the vehicle you can get in the vehicle, but I'm not getting out the vehicle All that made it mad as hell well, I'm gonna take you to jail Well, I'll follow you up there cuz I'm not getting out this damn car This crazy man I'm glad we got some white people in here black and white people. We need both of them. I'm glad everybody made it out Hell, yeah Cuz they just go to prove you meant black people and white people do the same ----. It's just different a little bit Like black men have baby mamas white men kill their girlfriend, that's the same ---- When you think about it We live in the South. We got those crazy-ass wife. Have you ever spoke to the wrong white person? They tell you everything about them They you just speak back. Hey, how you doing, buddy? Hey, how you doing? Hey, I see you over there Got that brave head on you live in Atlanta. My sister was over there for about four years She was She was working up there Northside Hospital If she was up there about two years They let her go. So now she's staying with us and her two kids and My brother was driving a truck every day Back and forth to Birmingham. He owned the semi truck Tire blew out and blew his knee all the hail So he's not driving the truck no more So he's staying with this in his two kids Yeah, my meemaw got thrown out the old folks home Pulling her damn tits out So now she's staying with us her two kids You stand there like how big is this damn house The longer you listen the more they talk. Yeah, the cat had about nine kittens last spring We didn't give none of them away. So Cat's staying with us Her nine kids Hey, man white people funny It's rough out here man It is rough all the good that took all the good women There's a lot of finance women in Georgia, man. I saw a woman so fine that I saw a homeless lady today with a fat ass I was like this must be her first day cuz ain't no way they gonna throw that ass in the garbage. She was beautiful She wasn't even dirty. I wanted to hand sanitize it off Like if I ran through here one more time and she's still out here I'll **** with a homeless woman. You could drop her ass off anywhere. Baby. Where you going? It don't matter just Whatever She had a fat ass Love one with a fat ass Love it so big yet to say it two times you ever seen that that big ass ass That's a big ass That big ass. Hey, I like when they would have looked jogging pants with the words cross the boat Love Pink Juicy but then the booty get hungry eight two letters land just say JC wife like oh ----. Ah, I Don't give a damn what you see. I'm always gonna love project women. That's just what I like See how these ladies in here dress nice they came out to be cordial and friendly I don't like friendly and cordial I like crazy ass women Yeah, straight hood. You don't even know they like you to the end of the night They run up on you how you feeling like the girl like what's up? Yeah, like you're scared to talk to a real bitch You just standing there like no, I don't have a girlfriend I'm not seeing anyone Yeah, you can't just run up on the hood chick when you like them You gotta wait for them to like you should cuss your ass out. You try to run. Hey, how you doing? Like what the **** what made you talk to me? Fellas ain't no coming back from These women disrespectful man heard this girl in the club tell her dude, you better get out my face you dick in the booty I'm like ain't no coming back from dick in the booty. You got to fight this bitch cuz that's That's the most disrespectful ---- I ever heard. I Love them hood though. You see how these ladies dress nice came out. Uh-uh. That ain't my type I like them ladies that get all the way dressed then find a full body length mirror and cuss herself. I'd be like, oh, bitch Oh, oh Bitch this ain't even the club. No more. There's a funeral cuz you killing these bitches Everywhere, you look gonna be dead bitches dead bitch Dead bitch bitch lay down. I killed you with the shoes bitch you dead Then pull up on now to give it to a homegirl like bitch get the picture hashtag assassinator Yeah That's what I like They took all the good women man. These ladies will trick you in Atlanta. I'd be all flexing at the club We live in Buckhead. We ain't even book here. Then you get over there. The apartment empty is hell She wants you to watch Netflix on the laptop Laying on their hard-ass floor. I'm not doing this ---- They always got the same excuse my furniture in storage we'll bring it over here That was the whole point of moving I'm always gonna love project women though, cuz I was over this girl house. We was ******* on an air mattress No, I didn't know it was an air mattress cuz she had it made up like real bed. I Didn't know it was the air mattress till I laid down and my legs were straight up like I was like this a damn air Mattress and it got a hole in it. First of all Whatever I like project as women though, man, you got to be careful. You'll never know who the hell out here They got these new lesbians out. I don't know if you've seen the new lesbians a little t100 terminators. Have you seen them? Yeah, the little studs. These are little angriest little chicks in Atlanta Yeah, they get jealous faster than real boyfriends I'm at the store. The other day is two ladies in front of me. One of them had the fat little booty Like when you go to KFC you get the extra biscuit your box won't close all the way Yeah, it was a poking out. So I was looking at the ass respectfully The little stud ---- caught me looking a bro. Hold up. Hold up, bro. Hey, you don't keep disrespecting me looking all that my lady I was like, I was looking at both y'all. I know y'all was together Cuz them being a couple not gonna stop me bro, I will smash one of them little chicks I Don't care you ain't never had no lesbian culture. It's delicious tastes like Subway lettuce. Trust me. Oh, it's amazing That's that low mileage bruh. It's low mileage You imagine you smash one of them looks like she'd like it but she can't let you know She'd like it cuz they just as tough as we are Like you smash it all of a sudden. She's like, hold on bro. Hold up. Wait, wait, bro Hell no, put my legs down this ---- gay. You tricked me This ---- weird bro, you tricked me That'll probably be the only thing that stopped me they got to look deep ass voices you want your dick suck hell no yeah, I'm gonna do it but don't talk when you do it cuz Man, **** y'all. I'm not turning down no head That's how you miss your blessings Man, you think I'm bullshit. I got some here so good about two Tuesdays ago. She was amazing No, it was about two Tuesdays ago the head was amazing she gave me the head I jumped up put all my clothes back on she was like, where in the hell are you going? I was like girl them kids ain't even got no breakfast in the morning Go ahead get some groceries ---- bout to start changing around here. I'm about to get this to get this internet back on and some more ---- cuz Good as they mama suck dick. They need some luxuries Whatever you see how the ladies they ain't clap for that, but they like here more than we do women do Yeah, look at all them drag coaches need to be a clever Women love here more than women love here so much. They will check to make sure you still giving it to them Like you eating the coochie. She's loving it. Oh, yes Check Fellas make sure you have safe sex. Whatever that mean to you lock the door turn your phone on silent I'm not here to tell you what to do with your life No, it's scary. We live in Atlanta man. It came out a couple months ago They say Atlanta was the number one city for AIDS. You remember that ----? Had motherfuckers scared all my homeboy like bro. I'm so glad my bitch live in Decatur Shit Amen those AIDS commercials scary as hell. I don't know if you've seen them. They come on with some outstanding facts It's a some ---- like one in three black people have AIDS you like ----. It's two people on the couch goddamn Somebody in this house sick and won't say nothing It's got to be that badass little boy That is some scary ---- cuz every man in here has had some unprepared unprotected sex Yeah, you'd be unprepared. You got the condom right here in your hand That's the crazy part, but you know, I actually go you slip the dick in from the back. She don't say ---- You don't say ---- You trust her cuz ain't no bumps on her face But you know, that's the test if ain't no bumps on her face Soon as you get through going wrong, you say that little prayer on the way to the bathroom Jesus I know I was wrong, but if you look out for me this time I swear to God never go wrong again say your name we pray you're the king of all kings You're the alpha and Omega. I know you didn't bring me this far. So you drive me off here Lord Whatever man they sell AIDS test at Walmart now at Walmart of all places That ain't gonna work out **** around and take the Walmart AIDS test and find out you got AIDS You gonna take this ---- straight back to Walmart. Yeah, this one bro. I Don't have no receipt either Whatever I ain't ----. I don't care. I Love to see the latest going back natural though. That's amazing much love to the ladies Yeah Yeah, keep going natural. Oh What's your real hair look like long as it's yours, I'm tired of I'm tired of cuddling with these fake-ass hairstyles I'm trying to hold you and ---- and your head stink My baby need to Febreze your whole Brother ---- getting out of here. I saw a girl with the hat with the ponytail attached to the bag Like this is the laziest ---- ever You don't know what's real no more these women even get fake eyelashes man, who is this ---- for I Had a little hood bitch spending right over my house She tried to sneak and take the fake eyelashes off left them bitches on the counter scared the ---- out of me What kind of roach is that? I got the moon. This is some bullshit I'll be going to get your little eyebrows and ----. Who is that for? It ain't never been two dudes in the club like bro Look shorter with them Batman eyebrows Yeah, I don't think about changing our life You'll never know you ******* with me They'd be wearing the little body shape of waist trainers Ladies won't know you had that ---- on you look good as hell from over there Then we go get that little hug. We feel that bulletproof vest. Yeah This is the police she undercover They still think they look good with it, I'll be talking ---- hold my leg up it's heavy. I'm not one Can't pick that ---- up. I Dig it though. I just like to smoke weed and watch the news man Not real ----. It's just so crazy. I said I just smoke weed watch the news Cuz smoking weed activates your common sense Do you know that ----? You ever just be had riding in your car and turn the radio off? Just be smiling Like what the **** wrong with you? Bro, my ---- right Being how make you a better driver who you think be letting your ass out hi people Motherfucker hi directing traffic. Go ahead with your inner her ass But that's my shot like to get high watch the news man because the weed activates your common sense I'm watching the news earlier today. It said an unidentified woman was found today murdered in her home If it's her home I should have been investigated I don't figure this ---- out already That's some of my favorite ---- to do though is just watch the news Like especially around this time of year because all the little black schools be losing accreditation Yeah, that mean they got no curriculum or none they just going to school daycare all goddamn day It's 11 graders and second graders in the same room They always find a little hood ass mama to interview. Miss Johnson. You got kids at this school. Tell us what you think They ain't send no notes home or none Ain't nobody said nothing but somebody could have said son Danny you don't kid no breath will You rewind this ----. Did he miss like Brooklyn? That's my ---- Now I got all the little thug dudes in my complex. They want to come to my house and watch the news But they don't know the difference between streets and nudes. They call me like we know these people My homeboy hit me like Lowe's Bruh, you ain't tell me ---- had got this real Hell yeah, bro, the United States of America just went to war with Liberia over some cereal Hell yeah, bro. I don't know what kind of Syria war Had to be no frosty flaky nigga tripping, bro But they fight need new niggas. These is is niggas, bro. I'm telling you these is is niggas ain't Bullshitting. Yeah, they cut a nigga head off right down the news I'm on the other line like here. Yeah, capital capital capital capital My nigga, that's easy. It's like a ************ I'm having like here. Yeah We need a black news station Let us just have the last five minutes of the new Last five minutes we can wrap up all this ---- white people got the information to take to get down long to get it out You're trying to watch the traffic report if you're coming around a 285 on the north side You're gonna get jammed up around 400 area if you're trying to catch 85, so Need to hear all that ----. You need one nigga with a tank top to come on be like, bro Just wait bro Traffic for the right now You should have been little Good learn how to speak that ---- Atlanta got some words don't mean ----. Nowhere, but Atlanta That ----'ll save your life, bro Like this one right here. Oh F-u-t-4 You ain't never heard this ----. She got me for though Bro learn that ---- so you don't get killed out here in the street That's the number two cause of murders in this city The number one cause of murder in Atlanta is that **** nigga tried me I Ain't never leaving this bitch Bro, I love this city man. We got got some fine-ass cougars You don't know what a cougar is yeah clap for the cougars. That's them older ladies Yeah, that's the older ladies who have a little pussy left over And they be sprinkling to the young niggas I love a cougar. Cougars don't care what you do after y'all have sex. They'll just look at you, baby If you leave lock that door him Bump that heat up a little bit that did got me chillin Some chillin Yeah, I'm cook they talk all that freaky ---- Thinking they can handle it, but they can't handle this ----. They can have sex about five six minutes Then they start complaining. Ah young man. You can't put my leg up Young man, you can't put my leg up like that man. I had a surgery on that knee you uh-uh You can't keep pressing on that knee now I'm a poodle see told you don't What stop pressing on it? the mo cougars I Was in a strip club. They had old-ass stripper in there Her stage name was legend I'm like, why I call you lady cuz I was in here when they built this damn club It was some scary ---- Boy, she kept trying to flirt with me. Why don't you come on in the back with auntie? I Don't like what yeah, come on in the back with with auntie. I was like, why are you calling yourself auntie? First of all? That's not making me want to go Come on, come on in the back with auntie. Let me pull this pussy on I said what she did the old lady move. Let me pull this butt Start ******* with it. You ain't gonna scoop it. I'm a poet So I let her pull it. Okay Shit ain't cost me for $7 Shut out to all the old school players in here. I see a few of y'all Shit got quiet. Yeah Shut out to the old school players man Always to give a shout out to the old school players cuz y'all had it hard out here chasing women. No Facebook. No Twitter No cell phone. All y'all had was hope I'm looking forward to being an old black man Ain't nobody cooler than an old black dude Give a speak to an old black dude. He changed your whole week How you doing? Mr. Kevin? How you doing? Shit. I can't call it. I might spoil it Shit You understand me ---- Ain't no thing but a chicken wing, but if you give me some grease I slide you please you hear what I said Nephew talk to me ---- Old players be out here. I just want to know at what age do y'all decide y'all gonna wear church shoes with everything When does that just become the outfit? You ask old dude about his shoes he can't even stand on two feet no more What kind of shoes are them? You don't know nothing about that right there one little young ass But that's where I'm at though I'm starting to see the game from both sides ain't no young ass dude Ain't no old ass doing like right in the middle Like I can meet a 20 year old chick with a 36 year old mama **** both of them Hey, y'all ain't got to judge me. I don't give a ---- You don't know my life But I'll see the difference man like young dudes real disrespectful old dudes like real sneaky Ladies you can find a young dude over your house soon as you close the door the dick is out He ain't ass who was at home or nothing my mom in there. I **** both of y'all. I don't care Brought enough dick for this whole family That's their young man ---- Old dude be coming over there three four years Every Sunday sitting on there one little spot Drinking water looking for some ---- to fix Baby girl, come here. Let me show him time out. Look at you see how that flow bubbles up When I press on it That whole flow got to come out of there Now what you doing Saturday me and my brother Terry come over here and put that flow in for you cuz That whole flow got to come up North that flow ain't no damn good Yeah, come here. Look here. Look That wall post the line up flush right there. See I Got to take that whole damn wall out of there Sad to me and my brother Terry