How To Be A More Calm Parent

There's nothing more important than our family relationships and our bonds that we share together, but sometimes we're not as calm as we would like to be. So I'm Nicoleen Peck, I'm a parenting expert. I actually share principles about calmness and creating united families all over the world. I've even spoken at the United Nations and different Congresses dedicated to families. In this video, we're gonna talk about how to be a more calm parent. And I'll share some of those principles that people all over the world have been learning for years. Everything about self-government revolves around a person's desire and ability to be calm. And not everybody knows how to get themselves from a place of not being calm to being calm. I had to learn that for myself when I was a foster parent of troubled teens. And that's what I'm gonna share with you today. Six steps for how you can start your road to calmness. Step number one, be honest with yourself. Expose your lies and your excuses. It's those lies and the excuses that you keep telling yourself that are leading you to that behavior that you don't like. That behavior that's more aggressive, more pouty, more whiny, more reclusive, whatever you do when you're not being calm. So what are the lies that you're buying into? Think of them. What kinds of ideas are popping into your head? Like, I can't do this. They always do this to me. They don't care. I'm not getting anywhere. What are some of those lies that you say to yourself? Also, what are some of the excuses? The excuses are things like, well, if I don't do this, I won't get their attention. This is the only way to make them do what they need to do. Those are the types of things that we tell ourselves when we engage in bad behavior, and they are lies. There are always calm ways, principled ways, and firm ways that we can communicate with other people, that we can help them make the changes. And so we need to focus on those things, those truths, that are gonna help us solve our problems more effectively. Once you've exposed the lies, step number two is make a commitment, a firm commitment. Tell yourself, I'm not going to get angry anymore. I know it could still happen. Just making a statement doesn't make you perfect because you do have a habit that you need to overcome. But making that commitment is you telling yourself a change is occurring and it's okay. People that will say things out loud to themselves or write things down as commitments for themselves are much more likely to follow through with that commitment than people who did not make such a firm commitment to begin with. If it's just something you hope for, if it's just something you're gonna try, then you're probably gonna fail a lot more than if you decide, no, this is the new me. So what is your habit? Do you cry? Do you call somebody to complain? Do you get angry? What does your lack of calmness look like? We all have our own version of what it means to not be calm. This is a habit that we've created. If you understand how your brain works, you know that you wear pathways in your brain. There are synapses that connect different parts of the brain and we can use those synapses time and time again, almost like creating a well-worn path in the brain. It's an automatic response that we create for ourselves. So how do you get rid of a habit? How do you get rid of that automatic response? You replace the habit with a skill. So that's step number three. You need to replace your bad habits with a new skill. So what type of skill do you need? You need skills that will lead you to good communication and calmness, skills that are gonna be predictable, skills that you don't have to get creative about in the minute. As soon as you feel like you have to create new words to say, every time something happens, you will fall back into that habit every time. So what are your skills? I have skills like pre-teaching, correcting negative behaviors in calm ways, doing intensive teaching interactions with my children when they're going completely out of control. There are certain skill sets that can help you know what to say, when to say, and how to lead them without having to lose your cool. Step number four is to have a stopping point. You need to analyze yourself. The next time you are not calm, the next time you get angry, take a good look at what you did. Did your fists clench up? Did your teeth tighten? Did you think something that you always think every time? What happened to you? These are your triggers. They're triggers for bad behavior, but they can also be triggers for good behavior. So when you feel those fists clench up next time, then go, oh, that's my trigger, I'm almost gonna lose control. No, I need to choose to use my skill instead of that old habit. So then you refer your brain and your body to skill and to calmness. Step number five, know what your version of calmness feels like. What do you feel like when you're calm? What does your body language feel like? What does your face feel like? What do your eyes do? What is your voice tone? You need to know those things ahead of time so that you can recognize when you truly are calm and when you're not. And you know what? If you are not calm, then have a calm place. Have a place that you go to to get that feeling of calm. Maybe it's a rocking chair. Maybe you sit on the front porch for a minute. Just tell the children, you know what? Mom's gonna go and get calm for a second and then we're gonna talk about this. Have your place to go and get calm, get to that feeling, and then refer back to the skill. What skill are you going to use? Refer back to that and go use those words exactly so that you don't accidentally go back into that old habit that you for sure don't want to be using. The most important step is step number six to me because this is the step where I connect to the person. I think a lot of people think of calmness as being passive or maybe being passive-aggressive where you're like, I'm calm. But you can feel that the person is not really calm. You can feel their heart is not okay. Truly calm people are taking an action. They are actively choosing to deliberately attach to other people, see the potential in other people, see the hearts of other people, and to share their calmness as a guiding star for that other person that is having a hard time with their lack of calmness at that moment. So I focus on the hearts. This is step number six. Focus on the heart and the potential of that person that you are talking to. When I'm talking to them and I'm using my skills, I'm looking into their eyes and I'm thinking, I love you. I love you. You can do this. Be calm, be calm. I may not say it out loud, but I think it, and I send it from my heart to their heart. And they feel it. It's hard to fight against love. It's hard to be angry when somebody is showing you that they love you. When you're being calm, really calm, you should be able to love that person even if they're not. These six steps are just the beginning of a calmness journey. I have so much more I'd love to share with you if we had all the time. So you know what, I'm gonna give you a gift. It's completely free. It's called the Calm Parenting Toolkit. And there's a link to it in the description of this video below. So go and click on the link for the Calm Parenting Toolkit and just start it today. And see if the additional information in there will help you improve your calmness. It will talk about some of the skills that I've been mentioning that I don't have time to cover in this video. Calm parents truly can capture the hearts of their children even in the hardest moments. It is a power to be calm. It is the power of calmness. Go to the Calm Parenting Toolkit, get it. Get the help that you need so that you can have the changes that you desire.