The Ones with the Guys vs. the Girls

Alright, gentlemen, you're up first. Okay. You have 30 seconds. The lightning round begins. Stop it. Now, what was Monica's nickname when she was a field hockey goalie? Big Fat Goalie. Correct. Rachel claims this is her favorite movie. Dangerous Liaisons. Correct. Her actual favorite movie is... Weekend at Bernie's. Correct. In what part of her body did Monica get a pencil stuck at age 14? Oh! Ear! No! Her ear! She categorizes her towels. How many categories are there? Everyday use. Fancy. Guest. Fancy guest. Two seconds. 11. Unbelievable. 11 is correct. That's four for the guys. Ladies, you're up. Alright, come on. Oh. 30 seconds on the clock. Five correct questions wins the game. The lightning round begins now. What is Joey's favorite food? Sandwiches. Correct. Chandler was how old when he first touched a girl's breast? 14? No, 19. Thanks, man. Joey had an imaginary childhood friend. His name was... Maurice. Correct. His profession was... Space cowboy. Correct. What is Chandler Bing's job? Oh, gosh. It has something to do with numbers. And processing. And he carries a briefcase. Ten seconds. You need this or you lose the game. It has something to do with transponding. Oh! He's a transponster! He made a worm! I can get this! Oh. Sorry, I think I may have missed the table. Do you? Uh, yeah. Do you? Uh, yeah. Do you? Uh, yeah. You really find this attractive on him? Oh, yeah. Are you telling me you're not even a little turned on by Monica right now? I think this is the first time in our marriage that I've felt like the more attractive one. All right, come on, Mike. You can beat her. Game point. Don't get too cocky. Remember, I won the last one. Oh, by the way, how did that feel, losing to a girl? You know, you should really look in the mirror before you call yourself that. And that's how it's done. Okie dokie. You've each won a game and I've lost what's felt like a year of my life. So everybody goes home a winner. Best out of three? That's what I'm thinking. Should I use my invisibility to fight crime or for evil? Serve the ball, chump. Okay, better comebacks, Mike. Better comebacks. It's like I'm living with him again. He's here when I go to sleep. He's here when I wake up. He's here when I want to use the shower. I feel like I'm 16 all over again. Well, you're not 16. You're both adults now. Get out, you doofus! Or, you know, he's rubber and you're glue. All yours. I hope you cleaned your hair out of the drain. Shut up! Cut it out! Me, me, me! I've never wanted you more. I'm going to watch entertainment tonight. Tough Noogies, we're watching Predators of the Serengeti. Would you guys stop? It's my TV! Quit it! Bite me! Oh my God! Well, Monica keeps changing the channel. Oh, that's great. Why don't you tell Mommy on me? Now I'm in this little play. All right, look. I refuse to get sucked into this weird little Geller dimension thing, okay? So I'm going to go and take a nice, long, hot bubble bath because you kids are driving me crazy! You can't find garbage bags. Oh, I think I saw some in here. What is it? I don't know. But maybe if we keep that drawer shut, it'll die. I can't believe we're living here. What is it? Did you see the size of the closets? I can't believe we live here. You want to play rough? We can play rough. How come you guys have never played poker with us? Yeah, what is that? Like some kind of guy thing? Like some kind of sexist guy thing? Like it's poker, so only guys can play. No, women are welcome to play. Oh, okay, so then what is it? Some kind of, you know, like... Like some kind of, you know, like... What is it? There just don't happen to be any women in our game. Yeah, we just don't happen to know any women that know how to play poker. Oh, please, that is such a lame excuse. I mean, it's a typical guy response. Excuse me, do any of you know how to play? No. But you could teach us. No. Okay, so now we draw cards. So, I wouldn't need any, right? Because I have a straight. Oh, good for you. Okay, Pheebs, how many do you want? Okay, I just need two. The ten of spades and the six of clubs. No, Pheebs, you can't do that. You can't pretend. Oh, wait, I got the ten of spades. Here, you want it? No, no. Uh, no, see, you can't do that. Oh, no, no, no, no, that's okay, that's okay. I don't need them. I'm going for fours. Oh, you're... All right, here we go. We've got salmon roulettes and assorted crudités. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Monica, what are you doing? This is a poker game. You can't serve food with more than one syllable. It's got to be like chips or dip or pretz. Okay, so at this point, the deal is... All right, you know what? We got it, we got it. Let's play for real, all right? High stakes, big bucks. Now, are you sure? Phoebe just threw away two jacks because they didn't look happy. Let it go. It's not that big a deal. Not that big a deal? It's amazing, okay? You just reach in there, there's one little maneuver, and bam, a bra right out the sleeve. As far as I'm concerned, there is nothing a guy can do that even comes close. Am I right? Oh, come on. You guys can pee standing up. We can? Okay, I'm trying that. You know what blows my mind? Women can see breasts anytime they want. You just look down and there they are. How you get any work done is beyond me. Okay, you know what I don't get? The way guys can do so many mean things and then not even care. Multiple orgasms. There you go. Actually, the end zone starts at that pole, so you're five feet short, so we win. Wait, wait, wait, wait. So explain something to me, though. If nobody tagged Rachel, then isn't the play still going? Guys, what should I wear to a Knicks game? A T-shirt that says, I don't belong here. You have Knicks tickets? Yeah, my mom got my dad's season tickets in the divorce, so she just gave them to me. Yeah. Apparently, they're pretty good seats. Oh, my God. Those are almost right on the floor. Do you guys want these? Yeah, we do. Oh, well, you got them. All right. Just give us our apartment back. Oh, I didn't see that coming. Are you serious? Oh, come on. We know what these are worth. What, do you think we're stupid? Not stupid. You're meaner than I thought. What do you say? Forget it, okay? I'm not giving up my bachelor pad for some basketball seats. Your bachelor pad? Have you even had a girl up here? No. But Joey has, and I usually talk to them in the morning time. Yeah, you do. Come on. Yes, Gunther, can I get two cups of Chino, please? Good one. Season tickets. You know what that means? Forget it, okay? I'm not giving up the apartment. Look, when I was a little kid, my dad's company gave season tickets to the number one salesman every year. All right? My dad never won. Of course, he wasn't in the sales division, but still, I never, ever, ever forgot that. It's too hard. Too hard! All right, boys, last chance for the tickets. Otherwise, I give them to my new boyfriend, Joshua. No, thank you. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Come on, come on, let's trade. The timing's perfect. I just clogged the toilet. Look, I want those basketball seats as much as you do, okay? But we can't live in the small apartment after we've lived here. Didn't you ever read Flowers for Algernon? Yes. Didn't you ever read Sports Illustrated? No, I didn't read yours. Come on, we can go to the game tonight. Look, the only way I will even consider this is if they offer a lot more than just season seats. But it's the Knicks. Go to the Knicks. Whoa. I didn't mean that. I just meant that the apartment is worth so much more. And the Knicks rule all. Yeah, the Knicks rule all. Okay, so, are you gonna do it? No, no, we're not gonna do that, you know why? Because it's not an even trade. All right, okay, look. What if you could keep the apartment and get the tickets? Done. Let me finish. I'm talking about a bet. Winner takes all. Ooh, we can end up with nothing. Or you can end up with everything. Ooh, I like that. All right, so what do you say? No. Just do it. Oh, oh, I'm convinced. Come on, man. You know why I'd do it for you? Because you're my best friend. All right, but you can't use that again for a whole year. I'm in. Ooh, this is so exciting. Oh, God, what are you gonna bet? Oh, okay, well, I think we should let Phoebe decide because she's the only one who's impartial and she's so pretty. Okay. Um... Ooh, ooh. Ooh, I have a game. Okay. Ooh, this is great. What's the game? Um, well, it doesn't have a name. No, okay, Phoebe Ball. No, it doesn't have a name. Um, okay, Monica. What is your favorite thing about trees? They're green. Good, good, five points. All right. All right, great. Same question. Uh... Oh! Hmm, they're tall. Ooh, three points. Wow, both fine answers, but we were looking for leafy, leafy. That's not even a game. What? Shut up, we're winning. You want to finish this right now? All right, we get a deck of cards. High card wins. What do you say? Fine, let's do it. Oh, I have cards. Oh, good. Yeah, here. Oh, no, these are the trick deck. Okay. Here, yes. Hmm. Okay. Okay, you guys, uh, you guys pick first. Okay. Four. That's a low one. Okay. Phoebe, you look, I can't do it. What makes you think I can? Okay. Ace! Oh, my God! Yes! Whoo! Oh! Why are you screaming and hugging? Oh, because we want our apartment back. What? Ace is high. Jack, queen, king, ace. No, ace is low. Ace, two, three, four. I don't know. Look it! Okay. Queen is high. Not as high as... It worked! King! Yeah, baby! Tickets, please. That's courtside, baby. Seriously, good game, though. Good game. What are they so mad about? They got the apartment back. No, they didn't. The best seats ever. Oh, yeah. Hey, should we give these shirts to the girls, you know, kind of like a peace offering? Oh, yeah, that's very nice. Plus, you know, they were free and they're too small. Oh, oh, God. Hey, you want a beer? We'll discuss it in the morning. What the hell is going on? We took our apartment back. I had nothing to do with it. Okay, it was my idea, but I don't feel good about it. Oh, oh! We are switching back right now. No, we're not. We're not leaving. Well, you're gonna have to leave sometime because you both have jobs, and as soon as you do, we're switching it back. There's nothing you can do to stop us. Right, Joe? I don't know. What? I don't want to move again. I don't care. This is our apartment, and they stole it. You stole it! Our apartment. We won that apartment fair and square twice, and I'm getting it back right now. I'm getting it back right now! All right. We figured you might respond this way, so we have a backup offer. Oh, no, no, no. No more offers. You can't offer anything to us. Let us keep the apartment, and, as a thank you, Rachel and I will kiss for one minute. Totally worth it. That was one good minute. Good night. Men are such idiots. I know. Can you believe something that stupid actually got us our apartment back? It's so funny to think, if you had just done that right after the last contest, no one would have had to move at all. Let's pretend that's not true. Yeah. Hey. Hey, what have you guys been up to? Oh, we went to a self-defense class today. Wow. Yeah. Kicking a guy in the crotch all morning really takes it out of you. Takes it out of you. Now, now, we can kick anybody's ass. Yeah. After one class? I don't think so. What? You want to see me self-defend myself? Go over there and pretend you're a sexual predator. Go on, I dare you! Of course you could defend yourself from an attack you know is coming. That's not enough. Look, I studied karate for a long time. And there's a concept you should really be familiar with. It's what the Japanese call unagi. Isn't that a kind of sushi? No, it's a concept. Yeah, it is, it is. It's freshwater eel. All right, maybe it means that, too. Oh, I would kill for a salmon skin roll right now. No, fine. Get attacked. I don't even care. Come on, Ross. We're sorry. Please tell us what it is. Unagi is a state of total awareness. Okay? Only by achieving true unagi can you be prepared for any danger that may befall you. You mean in case someone's trying to steal your bamboo sleeping mat or your kettle of fish? All I'm saying is it's one thing being prepared for an attack against, like, each other. Whole nother story being prepared for an attack. I don't know. Surprise! All right, you knew that was coming, but that doesn't mean you have unagi. Ooh, you know what? If we made reservations, we could have unagi in about a half hour. Danger! A lesson in the importance of unagi. You're a freak. Perhaps. Now, I'm curious. At what point during those girlish screams would you have begun to kick my ass? All right, so we weren't prepared. I'm sorry I had to take such drastic measures to make my point, but, look, I just want you guys to be safe. Danger! Uh-huh. Unagi. Danger! Salmon skin roll. Say, Jack? Yeah? Alex Trebek? Oh, of course. Chuck Woolery? Definitely, Phoebe. You will not find a single game show host whose ass I cannot kick. Oh! Say it! Say we are unagi! It's not something you are, it's something you have! Say it! You know what? I could easily get out of this, but there's a chance you could get very, very hurt! Uh-huh. Nowhere to run. I don't like sitting up here. I'm gonna go over there. Wait till they got here first. Why is Ross doing that? Danger! Oh, my God! Why is he jumping on those women? We should help them. I... I don't think they need any help. My boy. Here's my boy. And here's his Barbie. What's, uh... What's my boy doing with the Barbie? He picked it out at the toy store himself. He loves it. He carries it everywhere. It's like a security blanket. But with ski boots and a kicky beret. Yeah, it's... It's cute. Why... Why does he have it again? So he's got a doll. So what? Unless you're afraid he's gonna grow up to be in show business. This wouldn't have anything to do with the fact he's been raised by two women, would it? You know what? It's fine. If you're okay with the Barbie thing, so am I. Give Daddy the Barbie. Give me the Barbie. Okay. How about... Don't you want to play with a monster truck? No? Okay. How about a dino soldier? I want you to take a piece of paper. Here you go. And write down your most embarrassing memory. And I do ask that when you're not using the markers, you put the caps back on them because they will dry out. Listen, you guys, um, I don't mean to be a pain about this, but, um, I've noticed that some of you are just placing them on. You want to push the caps until you hear them click. Gunther! Where are you going? I, um, was sort of thinking about maybe... No! No, you can't go! No, this is fun! Come on, we're just getting started here. Here's your marker. Listen, if you want to go, just go. No. She'll yell at me again. All right. I can get you out. What? Shh. In a minute, I'm going to create a diversion. And I do walk quickly to the door and don't look back. Okay. The first person's most embarrassing memory is... Monica, your party sucks. All right. Very funny. Oh, no. Ooh, did someone forget to use a coaster? What? I don't see anything. Great. I'm seeing water rings again. Okay, okay. She's taking the trash out. So I can get you out of here, but it has to be now. She'll be back any minute. What about my friend, Victor? No. Only the three of you. Any more than that and she'll get suspicious. All right. Let me just get my coat. There isn't time. You must leave everything. They'll take care of you next door. Is it true they have beer? Everything you've heard is true. Can you guys please try to keep it down? We're trying to start a bottle tournament. You! You're supposed to be at my party. And Gunther! What are you doing here? Um... Welcome to the foe. Phoebe! All right, I'm sorry, but these people needed me. They work hard all week. It's Saturday night. They deserve to have a little fun. Go! You know, my party is fun. I mean, maybe it's a little quieter, less obvious sort of fun, but you know, if people would just give it a chance, it's a lot...