Most Outrageous Lewis Capaldi Moments

Who eats this? Oh my f***ing god. They're horrible. They don't look like that in Scotland. Hello Lab Bible, it's Lewis Capaldi here. I'm going to be watching some of your clips and try to guess what happens next. And these are my shocking answers. Sometimes I read my f***ing, I read my Twitter and I'm like, is this all I talk about? And I'm like, I'm going to make a conscious effort to not talk about pubes and s*** all the time. But that's the brand now. Weird that everyone loves bums so much, but that's where the poo lives. No, it is about, it is silly and it is stupid, but it is where the poo lives. The poo does live in the bum. There's a lot of rap songs about eating the cake, which eating the cake is eating a bottom. Scranning an arse, if you will. Do you stand up or sit down when you're wiping your bum? I know we're looking... Do you really want to tell everyone this? I really want to, I really want to explain it. Like, I know people say that you shouldn't stand up because it congeals and it's like peeling back like a... Peeling back like a, I don't know, like a toast with chocolate and Nutella on it. If anybody's watching, right, I know, again, I know this is meant to be fun. Stop f***ing sitting down and wiping your arse. And f***ing, this should go without saying, don't wipe towards your genitals. Next question. All right. When did you lose your virginity? I lost my virginity when I was f***ing years old. Oh my God. What is wrong with you? Yeah, when you asked me when, it was at my friend's house. Nice. Good to know. Remember that was one that's maybe a bit too far. I don't know what either of these things are. I mean, this looks like a big old... I'll have to tell you what it feels like. I don't know what this is. Oh, right, OK. They don't look like that in Scotland. They don't make that wiggle motion either. Oh, it's f***ing greasy as f***. My hand's glistening. Which, incidentally, is also what happens when I touch my pork pie. Is pork supposed to be pink in the middle? Because it looks a bit pink, and I've just took quite a big bite out of it. I mean, I'm always going to go for the penis-shaped snacks. That's just who I am. I don't usually eat anything because I'm too busy spewing up, so whatever I had the night before is usually a good start. At night, I'll probably get a pizza or something, because my mother's cooking f***ing disgusts me. If you're watching, Mum, f***ing sort your ---- out. OK, so options are A, the kid gives the girl the finger. Poorly worded. Kid starts mimicking his sister. Kid hits his sister to stop her singing. She's been singing for quite some time. He's pissed off. So I'm picking C for him hitting his sister. We shall see. What is your most disgusting habit? Sometimes I put my finger on my belly button and I'll give it a sniff. It's a very good gauge of, like, how bad do I smell? It's so grim. I wish I'd never seen Lewis Capaldi's face. His voice is ruined for me now. What was my reply to this tweet? I think it was, like, I understand it must be so difficult to get a boner every time you hear my songs. I get this tweet a lot. A f***ing lot. I get a lot of tweets about the way I look, right? Some people are nicer than others. A lot of people say I look like, as I say, look like meatloaf. A potato smiley. That old guy who ate that paint. Do you know the dad? I get that sent to me on a daily basis. I was out in Edinburgh at the weekend and a girl came up to me and said, Listen, I know what people say online and stuff, but I actually think you're really good looking. What? What are people saying online? Leave that f***ing bit out. Just say you think I'm nice. I look nice. I look fine. When was the last time you had sex? F***ing hell. It was definitely in the last seven days. So the first phrase we've got here is putting lipstick on a pig. That immediately makes me think you shouldn't be putting lipsticks on pigs. But it also reminds me of the saying you can't polish a turd. Which I think there's some approval nods to the back there. So I think that's correct. So I've just answered the question with another idiom. How do you say it without... It's like a fart in a hurricane. You can't expect something that's so bad and is so horrible just by putting something nice on it. A futile attempt to make something look better than it is. See, what I said there was exactly right. That's a new idiom for you. You can't make a pig look pretty simply by putting lipstick on it. I actually think pigs are quite pretty. So... I don't want to have sex with a pig. There's no bestiality undercurrents here. So last night at the Great Scott Awards I went to the bathroom and was then... What happened when I went to the toilets? I don't know what the caption is, but I was at the toilets having a poo. The guy who does my PR in Scotland came up and says, Lewis, we need you downstairs for a minute. I stood up very hastily, wiped my arse. I got down and I had to go straight up and do a speech. I said something about, to be honest, I'm just a bit worried that my arse is still caked and shite as I'm speaking. And it was. I was straight back to that bathroom. But I was an award winner. So this is a man who definitely looks like he's maybe hung over or camping. Here are the options. A, a lightning strike causes the boy to scream. B, the tent is blown away by the wind. C, a startled deer runs straight through the tent. I'm going to say a lightning strike causes him to scream. Because he looks like a ******* pussy. I'll tell you that one was right. These are pork scratchings and these ones are the nation's favourite. Mr. Porky. Sounds a bit dirty. Oh my ******* god. They're horrible. Mr. Porky is a bullshitting bastard. Nairns, that sounds farsh. This is going to be a ******* a toss up for the shittest snack. These are just oat cakes. I ******* hate both of these things already. I've not even tried this. Wow, ******* tastes like cardboard. This is straight and it's dry as ****. I suppose Mr. Porky wins because it's actually flavour. Albeit terrible flavour. You're not supposed to put stuff on oat cakes. You put things up. Does that make sense? I don't get a lot of girls. I don't really approach people in bars either. Do you like PlayStation? This caption is definitely about the cold sore that's on my face. I've got a cold sore now but it's something about I've still got a cold sore on my face but it hasn't made it's way to my genitals just yet. Herpes hanging about on my lip for a while now but no sign of it on my genitals just yet. There you go. But rest assured, still no sign of anything on my genitals at all. I haven't known the touch of anyone in quite some time. Quite well acquainted with this little guy. Still no genital herpes. Thank you very much. Have you ever sent or received a nude photo? I have never sent a nude photo because it's a ******* woefully unimpressive piece of work that I've got going on. No one's going to look at that and go that looks appetising. I have definitely received nude photos on occasion because it's 2019. John Hancock Is it a cock? No, it wouldn't be rhyming slang if it's America. John Hancock? I don't know who that is. A lothario of sorts. Nope, it's not that. It means your signature. Named after John Hancock who signed his signature in an overly flamboyant way in the US. Declaration of Independence. I don't know anything about him. I don't know anything about him but from his signature I can tell he was a prick. Everyone else just doing a nice little writing. We've got a lot of names to get on here. John Hancock saying, **** that, arsehole. Next. Dribble with the ball. So his dad's telling him to dribble with the ball. And here we go. The kid volleys the ball into his dad's testicles. An absolute classic. The kid throws a tantrum and screams, I hate football. That'd be pretty boring. I hope that's not in this *******, that'd be ******* a shite video. The kid misunderstands what it means to dribble with the ball. I want him to kick out his dad's balls because the other two seem like why would you even send this in? If it's either of those other two things I'm going to be ******* raging. Dribble with the ball, dribble with the ball. Oh, he's spitting on the ball. Not quite like that. It's quite cute, I see. I see it's quite cute. Put the ball down. That's not how you dribble, you're right. I understand that it was a cute video. I thought we were doing funny things. If you could become the biggest star in the world but fellow Scott Calvin Harris would never sell another record, would you do it? He doesn't have to sell another record. He's ******* made for life. So yes. I'm not loyal to a man that I have never met before. It's definitely this big red button that's shocking her and not a man lying on the floor. Thank you very much for having me on. That's a pretty good day. Nice one. I've locked this again. IT demanded it. IT demanded that you protect your porn. How do you do this without getting on the floor? What the? Come on. Get me out of this. I'm an animal. I don't know. What makes that noise? An octopus? No.