Smurfs - Movie Review

When it comes to this new Smurfs movie, in the words of the greatest actor of our age, Johnny Cage, ah, this movie. So, Smurfs. I'm going to try to power through this video. I'm not going to waste too much of your time because the movie already wasted mine. This new Smurfs movie is the new animated Smurfs movie for the most part, but does have live action woven in there sometimes when it feels like it. Directed by, actually, you know what? No. It's written and directed by people. I'm going to do them a solid and omit their names from this video. You're welcome, folks. Basically, as all Smurfs have their thing, there's one Smurf who's like, no-name Smurf or whatever his name is. He doesn't have a thing and he becomes a magical Smurf. Gargamel's brother kidnaps Smurfnaps Papa Smurf, and now some of the Smurfs got to go through a portal, go on their adventure, meet up with Papa Smurf's brother, rescue Papa Smurf. It's a whole thing. It's a whole boring thing. This movie is the epitome of the phrase, try hard. You can tell when the movie's trying to be funny, but it just never is. Sometimes because of the jokes fall flat all by themselves. Sometimes the character reactions in the movie to the joke in the movie compromises the joke entirely. It's someone's fever dream version of what a Smurf movie should be or would be. It has an energy to it, and which is clearly made for young kids. Absolutely. But having an energy to it doesn't mean it's entertaining. You have to have more than that. Look, I don't want to sound too old, but man, we had it made with the kids' movies. Kids' movies were entertaining. They had heart. They had a message. They had substance to them. Memorable characters. Script for this Smurfs movie feels like it was three pages long. Script for the new Smurfs movie. Here, title page Smurfs. All right, I like it. Smurfy things happen. The end. This movie is made by people who were too young to remember the Smurfs, but too old to actually know what kids want. Caveat also does not have kids of their own. Single, lives alone, has six cats. It's another AI movie. Like Wish Before It, it's another movie that feels like it's just pieced together by AI. This movie also has out-of-place musical numbers. The musical numbers in an animated movie is kind of a time-honored tradition. Sometimes it feels like it's a tradition of old, but it can be cool. It can be traditional. But there's just a couple musical numbers in here that feels like they were just thrown in here because someone felt like, yeah, it kind of has to have music, right? Rihanna's Smurfette in this movie, why not have music? It all feels oddly out of place, like anything that's done out of a sense of obligation. You know it's not actually done because someone wants to. It's like, yeah, you feel you have to. It just makes it feel empty. The cash in this movie is oddly impressive. Nick Offerman, John Goodman. But it just comes across like they're cashing the easiest paychecks they've ever gotten, and God bless them for it. There is a theme in here about finding yourself, sure, somewhere buried under the rubble. But the movie's a mess, and worst of all, it's just a boring mess. It has all the movement of something happening, but nothing feels like it's actually moving forward at any sort of pace. 30 minutes in this Smurfs movie felt like an hour and a half any other realm of cinema. I did some digging, and I found the AI writing these trash kid movies that all feel like they're fabricated in a lab, lacking all sense of heart and soul. It's known as the Malware Animation RAM Vector, or MARV for short. Here's what MARV had to say the other day. I can't believe I caught this footage rolling. Kids are stupid. So that's it, parents. Don't bring your kids to this. Parents, aunts, uncles, babysitters. You're just gonna leave the auditorium depressed. Or you're gonna leave a little less depressed by leaving the movie before it even ends. Taking some time back for yourselves, what life is all about. Yeah, this movie is Smurf ----. Actually, you know what? That new I Know What You Did Last Summer movie? That's dog ---- too. Mandatory viewing for I Know What You Did Last Summer fans? Yeah, sure, in that Last Jedi kind of way. I said that in my review, but I cut it out. Bit on the nose. But now that the movie's out, and I don't think anyone's really watching it, it's all ----, and I'm done for the week. All right, so the new Smurfs movie. Have you seen it? You haven't. Stop. Did you really? I'm sorry I got this up late. I'm so sorry. I have things to do. But what did you think about it? Or what's a show from your childhood or the 80s that you'd like to see get a theatrical adaptation, animated live action, or otherwise? Whatever it is, whatever you think, comment below, let me know. And as always, if you like what you've seen here and you want to see more, click right here to see more. Woof.