7 Signs Your Avoidant Ex is Fighting Their Feelings

You have an avoidant ex and unfortunately you got dumped. And avoidants always do the dumping because they fear losing their independence and they often see their partners as needy, clingy, smothering, and controlling. And I can guarantee you that's how they saw you, even if you don't think you were actually being that way. And avoidants, as their name implies, struggle to communicate their emotions and their emotional needs, at least to their primary partners. But even though they struggle to communicate their feelings, that doesn't mean they don't have them. And that doesn't mean that they don't surface in some unusual ways when they just can't suppress them any longer. So if you got dumped by an avoidant and you want them back, let's talk about the seven signs that your avoidant ex is fighting their feelings and possibly regretting their decision to dump you. And that could lead them back to you, but only if you play your cards right. And we'll get into all of that later in this video. So let's talk about them. Sign number one, their social media shows contradictions. Now, you may not still be directly connected on social, but as long as you haven't blocked them and they haven't blocked you, you can still look at their social and they can look at yours. So maybe you're noticing that one day they're posting about how happy they are being single and loving their independence and their freedom. And then the next day they're posting sad, melancholy songs or memes or content. Maybe they're sharing nostalgic content one day and then posting about being out at a club with their friends the next night and how amazing that feels. Maybe they're talking about how they don't need anyone one minute and then they're posting vaguely about missing things or missing connections or missing someone. And guess what? You know who. And this back and forth push pull dynamic just really illustrates the internal conflict they're feeling within where one minute they want you and the next they're confirming that pushing you away was the right move. Sign number two, they're obsessively monitoring your life. They're looking at your Instagram or Facebook stories, even if they know that you can see their name showing up on a list of viewers. Now, the fearful avoidant is more likely to do this than the dismissive though. Maybe they like your social posts, but they're not commenting or directly messaging you about anything. Maybe they're even scrolling down into your history on things like Facebook or Instagram and liking older posts that you posted a long time ago that they'd never previously liked before. And this digital attention just shows you that they can't help themselves. They want to know what's going on in your life and they want to stay connected with you, but in a way that requires very little vulnerability. With regards to Instagram and Facebook stories, make sure you're not doing the same thing in return. You should be in no contact where you're not initiating contact in any way for any reason. And that includes looking at their Facebook and Instagram stories because your name will show up on a list of viewers there and that will make you look like a stalker. And remember, avoidants value their freedom more than anything else. During this time, you've got to come across to them in a way that does not further reinforce their vision of you as being needy and clingy. You've got to project the image that you're moving on and that you're not looking back. And if they see your name showing up on a list of viewers of their stories, that will completely derail your chances of reconciliation or at the very least, cause it to take a lot longer. Sign number three, they keep your relationship visible. They haven't deleted photos of the two of you together, or maybe even just photos of you from their social media accounts. If they're actively dating and looking to find the next great love of their life, they're not going to want photos of you creeping around on their social media. They may even still have you tagged in photos on their social. Maybe they're maintaining shared accounts that the two of you had together. They haven't kicked you off of there and they haven't gotten their own. So, you're still sharing things like Netflix, Hulu, or Spotify. And preserving these connections shows that they're not really ready yet to fully let go. Real quick, if you like this video, give me a thumbs up and then destroy that subscribe button. It's a great way to say thank you to me and it helps me grow my channel. So, I appreciate it. And sign number four, they're hot and cold with new relationships. Now, I know you hate the idea of them being in a new relationship or dating. You want them back. I get it. I've been there. But the reality is that they will start to date other people and probably really quickly after the breakup. That is classic avoidant behavior. Remember, they don't want to feel what they're feeling. They suppress their emotions, and that includes grieving the loss of you and the relationship. And one of the easiest ways to bury the pain of that is to start seeing somebody new almost immediately. But rebounds have about a 75% failure rate. So, that's the good news for you. But if you are hearing about them dating other people, what you're hearing is that these new relationships are kind of superficial, very short-lived, don't really have any level of depth. And maybe their dating patterns even seem reactive to what you're posting on your social. Maybe you're posting a picture of you out somewhere with somebody new, and then all of a sudden, they're posting something very similar on their page shortly after that. Dismissive avoidance, though, are a little bit less likely to immediately jump into a full-fledged relationship. They might have a series of casual flings, but they tend to fear that emotional intimacy a little bit more than the fearful avoidant. Because when you go into no contact, the fearful avoidant switches to more of an anxious attachment style. And that can not only cause them to eventually chase you, but it might cause them to chase other partners in the meantime. Sign number five, they use mutual friends to stay connected. They're maintaining relationships with your mutual friends and maybe even some of your family members. And if they had let these relationships kind of go immediately following the breakup, you might be hearing that they're now going back and rekindling those relationships. They're asking your mutual friends about your well-being, your activities, and they might even be bold enough to ask about your dating life, especially the fearful avoidance. They bring you up in conversations with these mutual friends. And that's true even when it's not really necessary to bring you up in that particular conversation. They're finding ways to wedge your name into it. They may also be attending events or gatherings where they think it's likely that you might be. But if you do see them out in public, it's okay to smile and wave if they do that first. But don't go over to them and start talking to them. If they want to talk to you, make them come to you. They did the dumping. They have to be the one to initiate fixing things. Plus, if you go over there uninitiated, it's going to look kind of needy. Sign number six, they post content on social that looks like it's designed specifically for you. Maybe they're sharing songs that were meaningful to the two of you or songs that you introduced them to or maybe even your song. They're posting photos of places that the two of you went to or talked about going to. And the fearful avoidant might even be bold enough to post photos of the two of you together in one of those places. They're sharing quotes or memes about heartache, lost love, or regret. And they're sharing a lot of this content during the times of day and days of the week that they think it's most likely you're going to be active on social. That way you're among the first people to see this. I know it's frustrating that they're kind of communicating this indirectly with you when they could obviously just reach out and say, oh my God, I totally screwed up. I want you back. Will you please take me back? But most people, especially avoidance, are not going to do that. So they test the waters with this kind of content to see if you take the bait and reach out first. Don't do that. And sign number seven, they create transparent excuses to contact you. Maybe they're texting you because they found something in their apartment or their house and they want to get it back to you. Maybe they're asking about those shared accounts I referenced earlier, or maybe there's some sort of joint bill that they just got in the mail and they want to talk to you about it. Or maybe they're texting you about something they could easily Google the answer to. But except for possibly bills, none of these things are really things that they have to reach out to you about. So it's just kind of obvious that they're just trying to get your attention. And again, test the waters to see what the reaction from you is going to be. And each contact attempt just reveals their growing desperation to reconnect with you. Now, when you get these kinds of messages, I don't want you to ignore them. You want them back presumably, so don't ignore them because we don't want them to go away completely. But I also don't want you to over-communicate. Remember, they see you as needy and clingy, right? You can't come across that way or it's going to push them further away. So just some tips to follow with regards to that, don't send more words back than they sent to you. If they send you a five-word question, don't send back three paragraphs and never double or triple text. And if you send them back a reply and it takes them three hours to respond to you, don't respond instantly. Wait about the same amount of time to reply back to them. But if they do say something like, hey, I found your old shirt, do you want to swing by and pick it up? Then use that as an opportunity to see if you can make a date with them. So say something like, hey, it's great to hear from you. Yeah, I'd love to get that. Do you want to come over for dinner this week at my place? And you can bring it with you and see what they say to that. If they make big or wishy-washy excuses or say they got to check their schedule, then you know exactly where you stand. You know that they're not really serious about reconciling yet and you need to go right back into no contact. But if they do say, oh, it would be great. I'd love to do that. I'm free this day, this day, and this day. Absolutely make a specific date with them on a specific day at a specific time and then make it happen. But ultimately, just because your ex is fighting their feelings, it doesn't necessarily mean they are ready for full-fledged reconciliation. So until they've reached out to you directly, you've got to stay in no contact fully. No calling, no texting, no emailing, no stalking on social, and absolutely not looking at their Facebook or Instagram stories. Remember, I do offer one-on-one coaching if I can help you with any problem you're having. That can be in the form of a phone call, a Zoom session, or you can simply email me your problem and I'll record a custom video for you just like this one and get it back to you within a couple of weekdays. If you want more info on that, it's down in the description or on this card right up here. And on that page that gives you that information, I also have a free guide about the seven triggers that will absolutely bring your ex back. So you can sign up for that right there and it's totally free. But let me know what's going on with you and your avoidant ex down in the comments, and I'll see you in the next video.