The Mindset That Changed My Life IMMEDIATELY

If you can really understand this, it will actually change the quality of your life dramatically. So let me give you an example real quick. First, before we dive into it, imagine that there's two people that are stuck in a traffic jam. Both of them are on their way to work. Both of them are definitely going to be late to work, but one of them is fuming. They're pissed off. They're gripping the steering wheel. They're screaming. They're cussing. They're just griping about all of the wasted time, how their boss is going to be pissed, all of that. The other one, calm. They're listening to their favorite song. They don't want to be late, but they're going to be late either way. And so they're dancing along to their favorite music. They're having a great time. They're in the exact same situation, but it's two radically different realities that these two people live in. Why is that? Because of what they are focusing on and their perception of what is going on. It is your perception, not your circumstances, that creates your experience and creates your life. I'll say that again just so you can get it down. It is your perception, not your circumstances, that creates your experiences in your life. It all comes back to a quote that I heard a few years ago that really made me sit down and focus like, okay, how do I feel on a daily basis? How do I want to feel? What am I focusing on that's making me feel the way that I feel? If I want to feel differently, what do I need to focus on? It made me just try to change my perception of what I focus on. This is the quote. The quote is, your mind can make hell out of heaven or heaven out of hell. I realize sometimes when I'm just stressed out and having a bad day, I'm living in heaven, but mentally creating hell. It's not just a cute little motivational quote that's like, hey, buddy, feel better. This idea of your perception is backed by a mountain of psychological research. Once you understand how this works, how you can change your perception, how you can change your focus, it'll change your life as well. The reason why I'm talking about it now is because this came from a topic I was talking about with a coaching client of mine. He's an extremely successful guy. He has everything he's ever wanted. He has a super successful business, makes a ton of money, has a nice house, has a great family. He's sitting there living the life that he's always wanted, but he's not happy as he wants to be, and he doesn't feel as fulfilled as he know he could be. I've coached many people like this, many people who have everything they've ever wanted or in a way better situation than they were five years ago, but internally they just don't know how to feel better. That's one of the things that I help coach them through, is that how to enjoy the amazing life that they've actually built, how to enjoy their family more, how to disconnect from working all the time. I might be talking about people who are extremely successful, but the average person who's able to pay their bills, save a little bit of money, is in the exact same situation. They're living a great life, and they're just missing all of it. They're sad, and they're anxious, and they're not living a life where they're living in what... If you were to look at what most people's reality is in the world right now, and if you were to go back 500 years, most people nowadays are living in heaven on earth for those people. This isn't abnormal. This isn't a weird thing that some people do. It's actually incredibly normal. We all do this in some sort of way. In order to really dive into this, I want you to understand two psychological things that will really take us home. The first thing is this idea of negativity bias, which I'll dive into. The second thing is the idea of the hedonic treadmill. When you look at the negativity bias, we were not born to be happy. We were born to survive. I did an episode on the negativity bias months ago. When you look at it, our brain was meant to survive. Survival means noticing danger, avoiding pain, remembering things that went wrong in the past so that they don't go wrong again, and keeping that pain and the bad in the front of our mind. Now, I want you to understand that negative and positive and good and bad are just human labels, but when we say the negativity bias, it means that we're focusing on the negative, which is just completely made up by us. We're focusing on things that didn't go the way that we wanted to, that we would label as bad. We're naturally just focusing on the bad more than we're focusing on the good because that's what our brain is going to do. The negativity bias has been studied extensively. There's a study in 2001 in Personality and Social Psychology Review by Paul Rosen and Edward Roizman. They documented how negative events in our lives have a much stronger impact on our psychological and physiological states than the positive ones. The negative ones have much more of an impact than the positive ones. Your body and your brain want to remember and focus on the negative, the bad, the pain, for protection in the future. This is the reason why we recall being insulted more than we remember compliments. This is the reason why most people can't take in compliments because it doesn't line up with the negativity that they hold about themselves. This is why we fixate on criticism. This is why we can have a bad day and we spiral after a bad day, and then we can have a good one and we barely even notice the good day. Even brain scans show it. When people actually see negative images in a picture, their brain lights up and fires way more than when they view a positive or a neutral one. Our amygdala, which is that fear center in our brain, kicks into high gear. It's not because you're broken. I want you to understand that. It's not like this isn't something that you can't start to work through. We're not broken in any sort of way. It's our ancient wiring that says it's better to overreact to danger than it is to underreact and die. The problem with that, though, is now this same brain that's trying to avoid tigers 200,000 years ago is the same brain that now lives in a house with air conditioning and checks their emails and sits in traffic and has passive-aggressive comments that they read on Instagram and they flip through and they see the news about all of this terrible stuff that's happening in another country, but they're not dealing with tigers anymore. But it still treats most of those things like the emails or the negative comments or the traffic as some sort of a negative thing, which to the brain means threat. That's how we end up turning these minor annoyances in our life into personal catastrophes. It's natural. We will focus on the bad more than the good unless we are intentional about it, and that's how we can turn this heaven that we live in into hell. So that's the first one. The second thing is this concept of the hedonic treadmill, where nothing ever really feels like it's enough. Let's say you land your dream job. At first, it's amazing. You're energized. You're fulfilled. You're so excited about it. You're excited to go to work. Then you fast forward six months and the excitement fades. Your brain adapts and suddenly you're just like, I'm craving something else. You want a raise. You want a promotion. You want a new title. You want to have more money. It's the same exact thing where when you move into a new house, you love the house and it's amazing and it's great. And then a year later, you're like, well, you know, we don't have a pool. It would be nice to have a pool. And you start looking at houses on realtor.com. This is this idea of the hedonic treadmill. It was a concept that was first brought about by psychologists Philip Brickman and Donald T. Campbell. And it describes that we have a tendency to return back to a stable baseline of happiness. And everybody's baseline of happiness is obviously different depending on their life, depending on the way they were raised, depending on their parents, all of that. But we kind of go back to this baseline. No matter what happens to us, whether it's really good or really bad, we kind of go back to the same place. There was actually a really famous study that they did where they compared two very different groups. One group won the lottery and the other group of people had just become paraplegics. And surprisingly, a year later, when they followed up with those people, the levels of both groups reported happiness extremely similar. One group had won the lottery, won millions of dollars, and the other became paraplegic. And their happiness a year later was similar, very similar between the two because the thrill of winning millions of dollars wore off and the devastation of the accident that they had softened. And so we kind of always return back to baseline every time because our brains were built to adapt. And so what was once amazing kind of becomes normal. What was tragic kind of becomes normal as well. Like I'm sure you probably have things in your life that you wanted six months ago. Or I'm sure some people listening have a life right now that you dreamed about 10 years ago, but you probably still feel the same. So that's the hedonic treadmill, which I want you to understand, we can change our levels of happiness based off of what we perceive and what we focus on. But if that's the case, if happiness doesn't come from what happens to us, like somebody winning the lottery or somebody becoming paralyzed, where does it come from? Well, it comes from what you focus on and your perspective of what happens to you. Your brain is bombarded with 11 million bits of information every single second, and your conscious mind can only take in 40 of them every single second. And the ones that get through are based off of your reticular activating system. Your reticular activating system deems what is important and what isn't important. And it deems what is important and what isn't important based off of what you focus on. And so if you're focused on danger, you're going to see threats everywhere. I have friends that were raised by parents that are extremely fearful, and it is just so hard for them to get past thinking that they're in danger all the time. They see threats everywhere. They're always in states of fear. You know, if you're focused on lack, you'll feel poor. Even if your needs aren't met, you'll always be in scarcity. If you're focused on stress, you'll find more things to stress about. But if you decide, hey, I'm going to shift my focus, obviously my brain's going to naturally go towards the negative with this negativity bias, but I'm going to intentionally shift my focus, everything starts to change. There was actually a study that a lady named Barbara Fredrickson did, and it was about positive emotions versus negative emotions. And positive emotions actually broaden our perception. And so people were shown positive images, and people were shown negative images. And the people who were shown positive images literally saw more in a visual test that they were given. They saw more colors. They saw more shapes. They saw more options. They performed better on tests, which show that positive emotions don't just feel good. They actually expand your perception, and they expand your mind and what you can see, which means choosing to focus on something that might be positive or finding a silver lining even in the middle of chaos isn't like being naive. It's actually being really strategic of how you want to feel in your life. And so what we need to do is we need to actually start to rewire our brain through neuroplasticity by focusing on things to be grateful for. I would tell you if you were to rewind 15 years ago and tell me that I would be talking about focusing more on gratitude, I would be like, okay, hippie, that's stupid. But I can tell you after focusing on it for the past few years, actually intentionally doing it, it's not just a mood booster. It's a neuroplasticity tool. It's actually how you change your level of happiness on the hedonic treadmill. It's a way to rewire your brain away from the negativity bias. And so Robert Edmonds and Michael McCullough ran a series of studies on the idea of gratitude journaling. And participants that were in the study wrote down things that they were grateful for every single week. And some didn't write down anything. The ones who wrote down what they were grateful for felt better in their lives. They reported they were more optimistic. They reported fewer physical symptoms than the group who didn't write down anything that they were grateful for. There was another study where participants wrote gratitude letters to other people, like people that they were grateful for in their life. Even if they didn't send the letter to that other person, they showed significantly improved mental health outcomes weeks and months later. Why? Because every time you focus on something good, or you name something good, or you think about things to be grateful for, you're training your brain away from the negativity bias. And you're training your brain to notice the good, which I know a lot of us, we don't notice a whole lot of good. You're basically building a habit of seeing light in the dark. Our brain will automatically find bad. We need to actually be intentional about finding the good. And I've been focusing, and I've said this for a couple years now, of how I wake up every single morning and I focus on things to be grateful for. And every single night, I speak to or pray to whatever might be creating this whole world that we live in and talk about all of the things that I'm grateful for before I do anything else when I go to bed. So we need to actually start focusing more on the positive. And we actually can make the positive things stick in our brain more. We need to stop just going to the next thing when something positive happens. We need to stop for a second, and we need to savor the good. There's actually a thing that psychologist Rick Hansen explains that he actually says that we can install positive experiences into our brain. And the way that we do this is by holding them in our awareness for 20 seconds. And so this allows them to sink into your long-term memory. And let's be honest. I don't know if you're like me. I will accomplish something, and I'm immediately on to the next thing. Or I'll get a compliment, and I'm like, yeah, whatever. Thank you. Right? I'm not a say-it-nice-and-not-obviously-person, but I just kind of go on to the next thing. So what he calls this, he calls it taking in the good. And it's really, really simple. When something good happens, pause. Like, let it land. Like, feel it for a second. Like, really stay with it. Because when something bad happens, and it's a shock to the system, you feel it, and you feel it deeply. And that's why if I say, like, think about the worst moment of your life. You can recall it immediately, where you were, what you were feeling, what everything looked like. It's because it was a shock to the system. It landed. And so when something good happens to you, when you get a compliment, when you have an accomplishment, when you create an amazing paper and get an A-plus on it, you've got to let it land. And you've got to feel it. And you've got to stay with it. And you've got to let your brain and your body digest it for 20 seconds. And you don't rush past it. It's kind of like a mental rehearsal that deepens your joy. And it allows you to change your location on the hedonic treadmill over time, because you're starting to really focus on and feel the great things that are happening in your life. Like for me, truthfully, I've been doing this a lot as a parent. Like I know that my son is learning about life and how to be happy and how things are happening through me. And so I am consciously slowing down myself as many times as I possibly can. Like when he smiles and he's in like full happiness, or like, you know, we're dancing in the kitchen or something like that. I'm trying to take these mental snapshots of how amazing life is right now. And it's actually changing the way that I feel when I wake up every single day. And I'm also at the same time being a parent, I'm trying to make his level of happiness high as I possibly can from the start. So hopefully, you know, as he gets older, his hedonic treadmill, like his level of happiness, where he's on in the hedonic treadmill is higher than the average person, is higher than mine ever was. And it really comes down to our perspective in life. Like our perspective is a choice and it requires practice. You know, the ability to choose your perspective, to reframe situations is one of the most powerful cognitive skills that we have. Like you don't have to believe everything that you think when you think something negative or think something bad about yourself or be fearful about it. You don't have to believe everything you think. You can question every single one of your thoughts and you can change your perspective in the moment. You can reframe. It's called cognitive reframing, where you change your perspective and your thoughts in the moment. And you sit there and you examine and you challenge and you reframe those negative beliefs. You can change how you feel and how you act in those moments. You have to understand that reframing is not like just lying to yourself. It's not, you know, toxic positivity where like everything's going to ----. You're like, no, I'm really good. I swear I'm really good. No, it's like this idea where you sit back and you have something happen to you and you think to yourself like, what else could this mean? Like what part of this is in my control? What good can come from this? How can I grow from this? It's not to be like, no, I swear I'm okay, even though I'm going nuts, right? It's not toxic positive thinking. It's more like mental jujitsu more than anything else. And this is how you train your brain to find things to be happy, regardless of circumstances, because it's already trained to find the negative. I want to at least train to find more positive. Is it always easy? Hell no, right? But I can tell you it has absolutely changed my life. I've never been so happy as I am right now. And it's not because of my circumstances. It's because of me intentionally thinking of how blessed I am every single moment. And so when we, you know, look at everything that happens outside of us, we like to believe that our happiness and our peace and our well-being comes from what happens to us and comes from outside of us. But study after study after study show that's not true. It's not what happens to you. It's what you focus on. It's your perception of your life. It's not how good your life is. It's how grateful you are. You know, your brain is always interpreting. It's always filtering. It's always narrating your story. But you, if you're more intentional and you don't let yourself just go to defaults all the time, you get to shape that story. So every morning that you wake up, you get to decide like, what is the world that I will live in today? And how can I wake up in the morning, focus on what is it I'm grateful for, and actually start to notice the thing that's around me? You know, believe me, it's not delusion. It's really taking full ownership for how you're going to be in your life, how you're going to feel in your life, how you're going to act in your life. And when you take full ownership of your perception, that's when your life really starts to feel amazing. Hey, thanks so much for watching this video. YouTube thinks you should watch this video next based off of what you've been watching recently. And if you want to subscribe so you never miss another video, hit this button right here.