Some Like It Hot

All right, Charlie. Got the joint? Yes, sir. Who runs it? Refresh my memory. Spatz Colombo. That's very refreshing. Look, Chief, I'd better go, because if Colombo sees me, it's going to be goodbye Charlie. Goodbye, Charlie. Give me five minutes, and hit him with everything you've got. You betcha. Now, come to the old lady's funeral. Show the gentleman into the chapel. Queue number three. Well, if you gotta go, that's the way to do it. Say, Joe, tonight's the night we get paid. First thing tomorrow, we go out to the dog track on greased lightning. Greased lightning? You're going to bet my money on a dog? Stand at one tomorrow, we'll pay everybody. Suppose he loses. Why do you have to paint everything so black? Oh, suppose you got hit by a truck. Suppose Lake Michigan overflows. Well, don't look now, but the whole town is underwater. Two. One. All right, this is a raid. That solves one problem. I wonder how much sand the bookie will give us for our overcoats. It is below zero. We'll get pneumonia. Greased lightning! Dude, why do I listen to you? I ought to have my head examined. Anything today? Nothing. Thank you. Anything today? Nothing. Thank you. I can't go on, Joe. Anything today? Oh, it's you. Well, you've got a lot of nerve. Thank you. Joe, come back here. I ought to take him to the hospital and give him a blood transfusion, right? Right. Yeah, we have the same type of blood. Nellie, baby, I'll make it up to you. You're making it up pretty good so far. Nellie, this polycuff got anything for us? We're desperate. And it just so happens he is looking for a face. And a sax. What's the job? Three weeks in Florida. Florida? At the Seminole Ritz in Miami. Transportation and expenses all paid. The moment anything turns up, I'll give you a little jingle. Bye, C. I wonder if I've got room for another officer. Look, C, we want to talk to you. What is it? It's about the Florida job. What, do you have a couple of comedians? Get out of here. What kind of a band is it anyway? You've got to be blonde. We could dye our hair. And you've got to be girls. We couldn't. No, we couldn't. This is three weeks in Florida. We call ourselves Josephine and Geraldine. Come on. If you boys want to pick up a little money tonight... We'll take it. You got it. Six dollars a man. Be on the campus of their band at eight o'clock. All right, drop him, you guys. We came for a call. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Okay, let's go. Ace is better. It's a twenty-five Huffmobile Green Coupe. And while you're at it, fill it up. All right, everybody. Hands up. Hello, Charlie. You were nice enough to recommend my mortuary to some of your friends. I don't know what you're talking about. Well, now I got all those coffins on my hands. And I hate to see them go to waste. Please, no. We didn't see anything, did we? What? No. Nothing. See? You're not going nowhere. We've got to get out of town. Maybe we should grow beards or something. We are getting out of town, but we're going to shave. Hello, Mr. Poliakov. I understand you're looking for a couple of girl musicians. Mm-hmm. What do they want in these things, huh? How do they keep their balance? It's no use. We're not going to get away with it, Joe. My name is Josephine, and this was your idea in the first place. You talked me into it. Let's go, Josephine. Atta girl, Geraldine. Well, here we are. This is our manager, Mr. Beanstalk. How do you do? And I'm Sweet Sue. Josephine. I'm Daphne. Mm-hmm. You saved our lives. Likewise, I'm sure. Fiddle just called me Daphne. Hi! My name is Josephine. I'm sad. Yeah. Hi! How about that talent? It's like falling into a tub of butter. Watch it, Daphne. This way, Daphne. I'm Sugar Cane. Hi. I come from this musical family. My mother is a piano teacher and my father was a conductor. Where did he conduct? On the Baltimore in Ohio. I don't want you to think I'm a drinker. I can stop anytime I want to, only I don't want to. All the girls drink. It's just that I'm the one that gets caught. I always get the fuzzy end of the lollipop. Well, see you around, girls. Bye, Sugar. Boy, would I love to borrow a cup of that sugar. Oh, come on. No pastry, no butter, and no sugar. Oh, I tell you, my dear, this is the only way to travel. Is this a private clam bake or can anybody join? Yes, it's private. Please go away. I brought some cheese and crackers in case anybody gets hungry. What is happening? Please, girls, will you please stop this? Old party. Here's the cocktail shaker. I wish we had some ice. Hey, have you got any maraschino cherries on you? Oh, never mind. What's going on here? That's right, Sugar. All right, now the rest of you. Out. The party's over. Everybody go home. Josephine, over here before it melts. Sugar, you're going to get yourself into a lot of trouble. You better keep a lookout. What's the matter with you anyway? I'm not very bright, I guess. I used to sing with male bands. You can't trust those guys. I have this thing about saxophone players. Really? I play tenor sax. But you're a girl, thank goodness. You don't know what they're like. You fall for them, you really love them. You don't say. Then one morning you wake up, the guy's gone. All that's left behind is a pair of old socks and a tube of toothpaste. All squeezed out. It's not going to happen to me again, ever. That's why I'm glad we're going to Florida. What's in Florida? Millionaires. I hope this time you wind up with the sweet end of the lollipop. Sugar, here. I'll carry the instruments. Thank you, Daphne. Oh, thank you, Daphne. How do you do? More millionaires than you can shake a stick at. Let's hope they brought their grandsons along. Let me carry one of the instruments. Oh, thank you. Aren't you a sweetheart? You girls seen a brown bag with a white stripe in my initials? No, we haven't. Can't understand it. You're not hurt, are you? I don't think so. I wish you'd make sure. Your face is familiar. Possible you've seen it in the newspapers. Would you mind moving just a little, please? You're blocking my view. They run up and flag on the yacht when it's time for cocktails. You own a yacht? Who mixes the cocktails? Your wife? If you're interested in whether I am married or not. Oh, I'm not interested at all. Well, I'm not. That's very interesting. A bunch of us girls are appearing at the hotel. Sweet Sue and her society, syncopators. Syncopators? Does that mean you play that very fast music, jazz? Yeah, real hot. Oh, well, I guess some like it hot. I personally prefer classical music. What are you doing tonight? Tonight? I thought maybe you could come to the hotel and hear us play. But that would be rather difficult. I only come ashore twice a day. It's on account of these shells. That's my hobby. Sugar! Come on, dear. It's time to change for dinner. Would you mind moving along, please? Yes, you're in his way. He's waiting for a signal from his yacht. It was delightful meeting you both. You will come and hear us play? If it's at all possible. Oh, do come. Don't disappoint us. It'll be such fun. I'm bringing you yacht. Come on, Jeffrey. Sugar, let me give you a little advice, dear. If I were a girl, and I am, I'd watch my step. If I'd been watching my step, I never would have met him. I can't wait to tell Josephine. Let's run up to the room and tell her right now. Josephine! I guess he's not here. Josephine! Oh, I didn't hear you come in. Oh, Josephine! The most wonderful thing happened. Anyway, you're going to meet him tonight. I am? He said he's going to come to hear us play. Maybe. Sugar, you got the key. I'm locked out, and I'm making a puddle in the hall. See you on the dance floor, girl. What are you trying to do to that poor girl, putting on a millionaire act? Nobody talks like that! Hello? Daphne can't talk right now. Is there anything urgent? Tell her I'd like her to have a little supper with me on my yacht. Your yacht? You got it made, kid. Fielding wants to have a little cold pheasant with you on his yacht. Call him back and tell him I'm not going. Well, of course you're not. Oh. I'm going. I'm going to be on the boat with Sugar. He's going to be ashore with you. With me? That's right. I want to be loved by you, just you. Nobody else but you. I want to be loved by you alone. Hi! Which of you dolls is Daphne? Bo Fiddle. Make you my own puddle, puddle. I want to be loved by you. These came for you. For me? He wants me to have supper with him on his yacht. He's going to pick me up at the pier. No! Yes! Let's go dancing. There's a little roadhouse down the coast. Ahoy there! Ahoy! Been waiting long? It's not how long you waited. It's who you're waiting for. Thank you. Which is the port in which to start? That depends on whether you're coming or going. Would you like a glass of champagne? Love it. Which way? It's exquisite. What a beautiful fish. It's a member of the herring family. They shrink when they're marinated. Champagne? Bon voyage. You know, I've never been completely alone with a man before in the middle of the ocean. Oh, it's perfectly safe. Ship's in ship-shape shape. But there are certain men who would try to take advantage of a situation like this. When I'm with a girl, it does absolutely nothing to me. That makes me feel just awful. Oh, my dear, it's not your fault. You mean you can't fall in love? Not anymore. I was in love once. There was this girl. Her name was Nellie. She wore glasses, too. We were standing on the highest ledge watching the sunset. I took off my glasses. She took off her glasses. I took a step toward her. She took a step toward me. Oh, no! Ever since then, numb, no feeling. Have you ever tried American girls? Why? You should see a doctor, a good doctor. I have. Injections, hypnosis, mineral baths. If I wasn't such a coward, I'd kill myself. Would you do me a favor? Certainly, what is it? Anything this time? I'm afraid not. Would you like some more champagne? I think you're on the right track. Never knew it could be like this. Thank you. Olay! Hi, Jerry. I'm engaged. Congratulations. Who's the lucky girl? I am. Jerry, you can't be serious. Why not? He keeps marrying girls all the time. Jerry, you're out of your mind. How are you going to get away with this? I'll tell him the truth when the time comes, like right after the ceremony. And I keep getting those alimony checks every month. Forget about the whole thing, will you? Just keep telling yourself you're a boy. You're a boy. I'm a boy. Spats Colombo, delegate from Chicago. Southside chapter. Look, we've got a yacht, we've got a bracelet. You've got Osgood, I've got Sugar. We're really cooking. Come on, Daphne. Going up? Hold it. Third floor. What floor do you want, sweetie? Never you mind. Did we forget anything? Yeah, there's the shaving stuff. Oh, yeah. And there's also Sugar. Sugar? Give me room 414. Wait a minute. Hello? Hello, my dearest darling. You see, I have to leave. Something unexpected came up. I'm sailing right away. How long will you be gone? As a matter of fact, I'm not coming back at all. Well, anchor us away and have a bon voyage. Say, boss, word is that little Bonaparte is real sore about what happened to Toothpick Charlie. Him and Charlie, they used to be choir boys together. One of these days, little Bonaparte and Toothpick Charlie will be singing in the same choir again. But this time, we'll make sure there are no witnesses. The two broads from the elevator. Maybe those dames ain't dames. Same faces, same instruments. And here's your Valentine's card. The two musicians from the garage. Come on. Me and Tiny, we had them cornered, but we lost them in the shuffle. Thank you. It's been ten years since I elected myself president of this organization. Let us now rise and observe one minute of silence in memory of seven of our members from Chicago. You too, Spats. And just to show you what I think of you, Spats, the boys tell me you was gonna have a birthday. So we baked you a little cake. For he's a jolly good fellow Big joke. Let's get out of here. Get those two guys! They slept through our hands. Don't worry. We got our guys watching the roads in the airport. Yeah, but they're not watching yachts. Come on, you're gonna call Osgood. I've locked my heart I'll keep my feelings there Because I'm through with love None of that, sugar. No guy's worth it. Fred Josephine! Sugar, what do you think you're doing? I told you I'm not very bright. Let's go! You don't want me, sugar. I'm a liar and a phony. A saxophone player. That's right. Pour it on. Talk me out of it. I called Mama. She was so happy she cried. She wants you to have her wedding gown. Osgood, I'm gonna level with you. We can't get married at all. I'm not a natural blonde. I have a terrible past. For three years I've been living with a saxophone player. I forgive you. I'm a man. Well, nobody's perfect.