2011 Top 12 One Minute Monologue Competition Finalists

I mean, I'm just walking down the street and they come up on me like they're important or something, you know? And they just start pushing me down this alley, but not an alley, it's like a dark hallway. And they just start punching and kicking me, you know? So I curl up into a ball on the floor so they can't hurt me or nothing. But Seth, I just have one or two guys there, you know, some fighters, some friends. It doesn't have to be you. You know, just a couple of guys, you know, maybe three big guys, you know, just to show them I got buddies too, you know? You know, I'm on H right now, so I'm flying high and I gotta talk, but I'm serious about this. You know, just one or two guys to walk with me down the street. Maybe they'd leave me alone because they'd see I got guys looking out for me, you know? Because they kick me out pretty bad, you know? And if I went high on H, I'd have pain shooting throughout all my body. And walking around here at night, I'm constantly scared because you never know who's waiting for you around the corner, you know, just to jump you, you know? And it's not like I can protect myself or anything. Just a couple of buddies, you know, just a couple of big guys, you know, fighters, you know? Guys to where if you were walking around with them, you could do anything. See? Well, I believe in something, sort of. It does talk to me and may actually be God, but it's not really said so specifically. No, really, um, inanimate objects tell me to do things. And if I don't, they sing. And they keep me up all night until, well, eventually I do what they say. Yeah, believe me, I don't have a choice. I'm a puppet. The universe sticks its hand up my butt. If I don't dance, people get hurt. Just the other day, a plastic lawn flamingo was like, Get off your ass! Yeah, I didn't listen, and, um, someone got run over by a car. Okay, actually, I ran my dad over with the car. Girl, but it wasn't my fault the stupid flamingo distracted me! Um, anyways, you know, I'm really flattered that you would ask me out, but, um, seeing as I might be clinically insane, I might want to hold out for someone who's a little more mentally stable. I woke up this morning, kept thinking about Billy. Thinking about him waking up in his room with his little clouds all around that I painted. And I thought, I should have painted clouds downtown, because then he would think he was waking up at home. I came here to take my son home, and I realized he's already home. I love him very much. I'm not going to take him. Can I go talk to him? How'd it look? Let's see. Ever been violated? Never been raped, huh? You know those movie scenes where the girl's eyes go all blank because she's gone to some other part of herself to deal with the horror of what's happened to her? He's nothing like that. It's filthy. And sweaty. And then he licks your face and wipes himself off in your hair. And when you try to scream, he punches you so hard you see God. And he goes at you again, ripping things that you didn't even know that you had. I know you want to, but if you haven't been there, see. Mom and Dad, Liz, it's not what you think. I was raped. I know what to do. You know me? No, you don't. You see my picture in the paper? No, you have not. Sit down. Now, I got a friend of mine. This friend of mine, he's having some problems. He's probably going to need to see a shrink, so I'm going to ask you a couple of questions. Now, this friend of mine, he's a very powerful guy. He never has problems with nothing. Only lately he's having these attacks. He gets nervous. He can't breathe. His heart's pounding out of his chest. He just needs to make it stop. You saw there was something I was trying to do there. And that's why you are who you are. You are good, my friend. You have a gift. I feel like a weight has been lifted off, like I can breathe again. Let me tell you something about Janice, Ian. Her and I were best friends in middle school. I know, right? So embarrassing. I mean, whatever. So then, in eighth grade, when I got my first boyfriend, Kyle, who was totally gorgeous, but then he moved to Indiana, and Janice was like weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I'd blow her off to hang out with Kyle, she'd be like, uh, why didn't you call me back? And I'd be like, uh, why are you so obsessed with me? And then for my birthday party, which was an all-girls pool party, I was like, Janice, I can't invite you because I think you're a lesbian. I mean, I couldn't have a lesbian at my party. There was going to be girls there in their bathing suits. I mean, right? She's a lesbian. And then her mom called my mom, and she was yelling at her, and it was so retarded. And then I guess she dropped out of school because no one would talk to her. And then she showed up in the fall for high school, and her hair was all chopped off, and she was totally weird. And now I guess she's on crack. Oh my gosh, I love your skirt. It is so adorable. It is the ugliest ******* skirt I've ever seen. Seen. Thanks, guys. Well, see, now this just pisses me off. First of all, we now have more than 300 plaintiffs. And let's be honest, we all know there's more out there. These may not be the most sophisticated people, but they do know how to divide. And $20 million isn't shit when split between them. Second of all, these people don't dream about being rich. They dream about being able to watch their kids swim in a pool without having to have a hysterectomy at age 20. Before you come back to me with another lame-ass offer, I want you to think real hard about what your spine is worth, Mr. Goldberg. Or what you would expect someone to pay for your uterus, Ms. Klein. Then, you take out a calculator, and you multiply that number by 100. Anything less than that is a waste of our time. I come into the Riverside to get a cup of coffee. Sit down at the table, Grace and Ruthie. I'm gonna order just a cup of coffee. Grace and Ruthie's having breakfast, and they're done. Plates, crusty shit all over. We'll shoot the shit, whatever. Sit down. Grab a piece of toast off of Grace's plate, and she goes, Help yourself. Help myself. I should help myself to half a piece of toast. It's four slices for a quarter. I should have a nickel every time we're in the game. I pop a coffee, cigarette, sweet roll, roast beef sandwich. Shit. And we're sitting together. How many times do I pick up the check? But no. Because I never flunk. Like, this one's on me like someone bought that asshole. Only, and I tell you this, darling. Only. From the mouth. And I'm not casting anything on anyone from the mouth of a southern bull-like asshole integrated with no ambitious cock in this dress coming. I take nothing back. Scene. These three are lies. And I'll know when you tell them. When the third lie drops, your friends in the other room die. Simple enough? Perfect. Let's begin. A number of years ago, the people that I work with were very close in obtaining something of great value. Something that once belonged to you, a former employer. But now, it's in the wind. And we believe you know where it is. Why? Because its disappearance is directly related to the death of Catherine Walters. Don't know her? We believe you do. We're the people that hired you to kill her. Scene. How many affairs does this make now? Four? No, no. That's five. Jesus, Jenny. Why do you put up with it? The man is no good. Divorce him. Just a minute. There's a better way. Now, Jenny, I just want you to hear me out. I'm talking about wasting him. Think. Think, Jenny. You'd be free. There's tons of things around the house we could use. Like gas, for instance. You put some cookies in the oven, okay? And then Sonny had to run down to the grocery store to get some more chocolate chips. How did you know that the pilot light was on the fritz? Ted is asleep on the couch, as usual. Voila. He's history. Don't give me that look. If I was in your shoes, I'd have his head in the disposal before dinner. Steve. Mom. Mom, I married him because I love him. I mean, I think it seems pretty simple, right? I mean, we met, and I found him handsome and sexy and bright and compassionate. And he, every day, he cheers me up. Yeah, no, I'm not manic-depressive. Dad, I never said that. Okay. I knew he was gay. I knew he was gay, and I married him. Okay, fine. Yeah, it's not your, um, hey, babe, it was good for me, it wasn't good for you. Fine. But I love him. And I think that seems pretty simple enough. And in the end, I have an amazing friend who'll do better than most people. Steve. James, I'm so sorry. The meeting, they said it would take an hour, and then they kept talking, and I couldn't get them to stop. And I'm sorry. I got you a goldfish because I wanted to get you flowers, but I went to the store, and of course, today is the day that they don't have any flowers. And there was a pet shop next door, so they had puppies, but I figured you don't want a puppy because they take so much time. So I got a fish because I love fish when I'm little. They always died, and I found out. It's because they have this waste from their gills and their feces that in a short amount of time, they make a really toxic environment for themselves, so they die, which is crazy. Maybe God didn't want us to domesticate the goldfish. So if you don't want Squishy, that's okay. In a week, he'll be dead. See you.