Seek Nothing, Just Sit: Life in a Zen Monastery

Useless to try to get anything out of life. I mean, the initial decision was suicide. These thoughts right now, and then we start fighting with them, trying to push them away. And the more we push them away, the more aggressively they come back. And Taiji Temple belongs to the Soto School of Zen Buddhism. Even local inhabitants visit only rarely. 109 stone steps. In the past half century, they have welcomed about 3,000 Zen practitioners. Unlike most Japanese temples, Antaiji has no parishioners. It is a temple dedicated exclusively to round-the-clock Zen practice. We began filming here in the spring of 2020. The man making the meal is a Frenchman named Clemenceau. He came to the temple just two weeks ago. In Zen Buddhism, every day life is a practice, so cooking is also a practice. Bogdan Dolgopolov is from Kyrgyzstan. He's immersed in the writings of the former abbot from 50 years ago. Amid rising interest in Zen among non-Japanese, practitioners from about 30 countries have come to Antaiji through the years. They come for a reason, to faithfully carry out the practices associated with Zen thought. It's 4 a.m., the dead of night. Zen doctrine teaches, seek nothing, just sit. Morning and night, for a total of 4 hours a day. Few temples in Japan follow such a strict Zazen practice, which comes to 1,800 hours a year. If you want something, it's no longer Zazen. What you should be doing now, what you should be looking at in front of you, that's Zen practice. Self-sufficiency is another aspect of the practice. The residents grow rice and about 20 different kinds of vegetables. There are no harvests this time of year. Wild plants are deeply appreciated. Every day without work is a day without food. Those who don't diligently pursue their practice lose the right to eat. Silence is maintained to focus attention on the food. This too is part of the practice. A life of Zazen and self-sufficiency. Antaiji stipulates that this practice must be followed by residents for 3 years. 24-year-old Bogdan had previously studied physics. Born with an incurable disease, he had a strong sense of inferiority. After intense study, he succeeded in entering Moscow State University, a highly exclusive institution. But his studies could not ease his distress. What is the meaning of life? He came to Antaiji seeking the answer. Self-sufficiency, self-control, greed. I think there are a lot of people around me who are hurting me unknowingly. So, I think I'm alone. 24-year-old Fabian Killinger is from Germany. Fabian has officially taken the Tantra and received his Buddhist name, Myogen. He has decided to live the rest of his life as a monk. Since coming to Antaiji, he has rarely seen his German family and friends. In the beginning, when the wave went up, of course I was worried, mainly about family. If they are now sick, and one of them is close to dying, I probably would have gone back to them. What lies behind his strong commitment to a monk's life? Myogen's hometown is a small village of 2,500 people in southwest Germany. His mother is a banker, his father a businessman. Myogen grew up in an affluent home. A lively boy, he was good at playing the flute and swimming, and got excellent grades. I give everything to Myogen. I have no fear of anything. I always went straight to everything he showed me. I have no fear. He was quite successful in the course of time. At some point he became a circle master. But it was still a beautiful time when he really found friends. From a very young age, Myogen had doubts. You grow up in certain conditions and everyone around you, you know. It's all about success, it's all about building a career. And then there are certain pressures from family, and I think I was always looking for something special, whereas the other people around me, they were kind of okay with how their life is. Myogen quit college after half a year. He worked at various jobs, but none of them gave him answers. He felt full of impotent thoughts. Day after day, he kept them to himself. This was his state of mind when one phrase he saw on the Antaiji website captured his heart. Stop chasing. I feel for me it offers a very different perspective on how to live your life, which kind of seemed to answer the questions I had my whole life, or were able to bring me closer to the questions I was always wondering about. Rejecting a stable life in Germany, he plunged alone into Zen practice at Antaiji. There are many things on the road ahead that he cannot see. Even so, he senses potential in the days he spends with few desires at Antaiji and continues his practice. The problem my whole life was just that I've been looking somewhere else rather than what is happening around me. When you live here, you're always forced to look what is actually happening right now rather than tomorrow, for example, or in the future, or what happened in the past. September. A young man climbs the stone steps for the first time. Hikaru Asao, age 26, was born in the United States and raised there by his Japanese parents. Hikaru had been working as a paramedic, but he says he no longer understands what human life is for. He quit his job and came to Antaiji to find answers. Temple rules dictate that silence is maintained during meals. Many temple customs are bewildering to newcomers. Hikaru participates in repeated cycles of farm work and chores. Many novices wonder where it will all lead. Hikaru decides to talk about it directly with the abbot, Eko. When I first came to Antaiji, I didn't know what was going on. Even when I started to explain, I couldn't stop. He said he'd been here for about 10 years. I liked him from the beginning. You didn't like him? No, I didn't like him. When I sit in meditation, I feel like nothing is going to stop me. I feel like I'm being closed up. I just live as I am. If you ask me why I was born, I think I was born to practice. On this day, Myogen and his fellow residents pursue their practice outside the temple. Let's do it again. Twice a year, they engage in takuhatsu, which is asking for alms in the outside world. That night, they change into their street clothes and go shopping. What do you have, Myogen? Eggs, butter, and ramen. They can't help but delight in their rare trip to the city. It's not very Buddhist. 300,000 yen. 300,000 yen? 300,000 yen. Have you done this before? I've only done it once, but I don't do it often. That's strange. Do you like natto? Yeah. That's why I decided to stay in Japan, finally. Really? I thought it was good. We noticed something Myogen did while he ate. Because we do this in Anteji every day, that we have to eat everything, I kind of feel bad leaving something, some leftover. If you practice in a Zen temple, but then as soon as you leave, you kind of change your complete way of behaving, whatever we do there. Most things have a deeper meaning. Even outside the temple, Myogen tries to stay true to his practice. November. Winter preparations begin at Anteji, which gets lots of snow. The residents construct snow sheds to prevent damage to the temple buildings. As a 30-year resident, Myogen is put in charge of the work. Isn't this too high? What's important? Eko has pointed out a mistake in the number of bamboo poles. It's a minor error that doesn't appear to matter. But Myogen finds himself quite angry with himself. It expresses anger, but I think it comes from me being, you know, you didn't give your best, and then it's like, ah, why? I still have things in myself which I would rather change than accept. Myogen has been practicing how not to seek anything. But along the way, he began seeking a self that was a perfect Zen practitioner. December. The most demanding practice session of the year is about to begin. It's called Rohatsu Sesshin. For one week, the residents will do sitting meditation for 15 hours every day. The residents are not allowed to speak or bathe during the entire week. They experience almost unendurable pain. In between Zazen sessions, they engage in a walking meditation called Kinhin, which allows them to take only half a step with each breath. So you start daydreaming about things you're afraid of. You lose all power to your mind. These thoughts right now, and then we start fighting with them, trying to push them away. And the more we push them away, the more aggressively they come back. December the 8th, the day the historical Buddha is said to have achieved enlightenment. At midnight, the special meditation week draws to a close. They have a meeting. Hikaru has been a resident here since September. He'll go home to the United States for a visit and return to the temple in January. A sudden announcement of permanent departure. The speaker is Bogdan, who came from Kyrgyzstan. He has pursued his practice searching for the meaning of life. A year has passed since he started. Many Zen practitioners quit what will happen if they don't practice anymore. But if you think about it, even if you sit down for 10 years, you don't have the courage to leave. I think there are many places where you don't have the courage You don't have the courage Many Zen practitioners quit when they don't see results from Zazen. January. The residents dig out the storehouse where they had buried Tara roots the previous fall. Relying on a scant food supply, they endure the long, harsh winter. The temple is cut off from all interaction with the outside world. Practice during the winter is called Yukiyango, which means snow retreat. For about two months, residents concentrate on their studies in a common room. This is Myogen's third winter retreat. He doesn't appear to be completely absorbed in his practice. What's the meaning of Zazen? Zazen has no meaning. It's very hard to understand why we sit so much if something has no meaning. During a break, Ekko the abbot talks to the residents. I don't know if Kuremon is still doing it seriously. I think there's a lot going on in his mind. I think everyone has their own struggles. I'm okay now. You're okay now? There's no problem now. Myogen has laid bare his dissatisfaction with himself. Well, at least for me, I really liked Zazen in the beginning, but then it becomes normal. And then, because you don't have much free time in Antarctic anyway, often you feel like, oh, no, Zazen again. I would rather do something else. With time, it needs to kind of... Even if you have to sit, you should do it fully. But you are also human beings. You cannot make it perfect all the time to focus, to do Zazen. If you practice, it's not possible because you are human beings, human nature. So I mean that you shouldn't hide your human nature. Just accept it. I hope for myself. Seek nothing, just sit. What does that really mean? Maybe I need to accept myself a little bit more. I think that's also what Shukyo means. To set one step ahead, one step and then the next and then the next and just keep going that way. A day off from temple practice is called Hosan. Practice is temporarily suspended and the residents show mutual appreciation for the work they've done. Actually, today is the 43rd birthday of Hirotada, who has practiced at the temple for one year. Happy birthday, Takahashi! Happy birthday to you! Thank you! But Hirotada faces a dilemma. With two children living in Tokyo, he can't completely let go of the outside world. He discusses his future path with Eko. I have something to tell you. You know, we talked about this at the end of last year. I was thinking that I would like to What do you think? After finishing his practice at Antai-ji, Hirotada hopes to return to Tokyo and become an abbot there. Eko suggests that he continues his practice at a specialized monastery to obtain credentials for becoming an abbot. But if he does that, he won't be able to see his children for an additional five years. The next morning, we encounter Hirotada as he prepares to sit alone. I've been thinking about this for a year, and I've realized that I can't let go of this. 100%. If I want to practice here, and my children want to go to high school or junior high school, if I don't know my father and sit alone, if I don't have money, I'll be disqualified in the future. I can't do that. If I don't have money, I won't be able to live for the rest of my life. That's one of the reasons why I'm here. March. Another cycle of self-sufficiency begins at Antai-ji. Plum blossoms were a favorite of Dogen Zenji, the founder of the Soto School of Zen. Their ability to bloom despite the harsh winter seemed to him an apt metaphor for Zen practitioners. Hikaru, the resident from the United States, has now been at the temple for half a year. He is permitted to go on a spring trip to ask for alms. The towel is definitely not good. Why not? I guess it's way too high. It's probably because I have hair. I'm not sure, but the towel, to me, seems also too voluminous. Unable to discover the meaning of life, he wound up at Antai-ji. There are many things about daily practice here that are difficult to accept. He hasn't found the answers he's been looking for. Nevertheless, he has decided to shave his head and commit to temple life. This spring, Hirotada was placed in charge of temple farming. Though still conflicted about his children, he's still trying to find a path to monkhood. When I talked to my son and asked him what he thought about his father's practice, he said, I think he's doing a good job. I said, really? But he said, he's going to be a monk. Children are more mature. I'm only thinking about how much I can do now. Myogen has completed his three years as required by the rules at Antai-ji. He has spent a great deal of time asking what it means to be happy. Here at the temple, he's discovered something. Now for me, being here in Antai-ji, many things I wanted to be before which are not so important anymore. I see there's much more important things around me every moment by being present and realizing there's nothing missing that's reason enough to be satisfied, I think. Maybe back then I didn't even notice that I was alive. Now I notice a bit better I'm alive. This spring, Myogen decided to leave Antai-ji and go to a specialized monastery to deepen his studies as a Buddhist monk. Some people leave the temple. Others stay. Each pursues their own practice. Seek nothing. Just sit.