1Minute Monologue Contest 2012 Results #1-5

Hi, I'm Hannah McCormick and I'm running for class president. Can we be honest here? I'm clearly the obvious choice. I mean, hello, have you seen my opponent? Troy Carmichael. His entire presentation is, hey dude, vote for me. I'm not that bad. I refuse to be talking to a man that says he's not that bad. Our school is better than that. I know I am and so are you. Our class could be fun because nobody wants a boring class president. I'm proposing we change our school mascot to a vampire. Yeah, that's right, because vampires are so in right now. But no werewolves. So all you Jacob lovers will simply have to move. Vote for Fiona. Thank you. As Americans, we have the duty to help people who aren't as good as us. For example, after the earthquake in Haiti, the Haitians totally should have come to America. But some people are all like, what about the strain on our resources? I mean, strain on our resources? It's like this one time I threw my father a garden party for his birthday, right? And I said to RSVP because it was a sit down dinner. But some people came that like did totally did not RSVP. And I was totally bugging. I mean, I had to haul my buns to the kitchen, rearrange some things, redistribute the food and squish in extra place settings. But by the end of the night, it was like the more the merrier. So if the government could just get to the kitchen and redistribute some things, we could totally party with the Haitians. In conclusion, may I remind you that it does not say RSVP on the Statue of Liberty? Scene. Ladies and gentlemen of the board, I'd like to ask you a question. Who are we becoming? Are we just another cutthroat investment firm? Bigger is better? I think not. I think not at all. I think it is time to take worth investment group in an entirely new and exciting direction. Now, I may sound crazy, but just listen. How many of you know every single client you have by name? Raise your hands. See, this is what I'm talking about. The key to any business is personal relationships. And we are going to walk the talk here, people. Now, I propose that we each take out a pen, a piece of paper. We write down every single client we can remember in the next 30 seconds. Then we take that list, go back, compare it to our rosters. Anyone not on the list you just wrote down, we kindly send to another firm. See, working smaller is the only way to get bigger. It is time to reinvent ourselves, people. All in favor, say aye. All in favor, say aye. I'm going to let you even out the score. Go, go have an affair. We both know you want to. I have my little indiscretions, so you go have yours. Get out of your system. We know you want to. Go call up an old college fling. Rent a call girl. Oh, go nail my sister. I am not crazy. I am pragmatic. Because once you have your fling, we'll be equals again. And you can no longer judge me. And we can go back to being a boring, average married couple. Agreed? Oh, and do me a favor. Do not bring back any diseases. Hi, my name is Maria Danza. My real name is Irene Bernstein for all the Jews out there. Jew power. I have what they call natural talent. To quote the biggest breakout star ever, William Hung, American Idol, season three, I have no professional training. See, I do impressions. You should write that down. In order to prove to you that I am a triple threat, I've prepared a scene, a monologue, and a dance number, all from the hit film Showgirls. Triple threat. Write it down. End scene. You got really nice tits. I like looking at them. Well, I don't like showing them at the Cheetah. Why not? I like looking at them there. End scene. Monologue. Ice cubes? What are those for? I'm a dancer. I'm not a whore. I'm not a whore. End monologue. Dance number. Dance number. All right, well, babysitters aren't free, and neither is my talent. You should write that down. Thank you.