The Hobbit Movies - Nostalgia Critic

This episode brought to you by Mando. Smell fresher, stay drier, and boost your confidence from head to toe. Also brought to you by HelloFresh, America's number one meal kit. Check us out at Midwest Gaming Classic April 4th through 6th in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. And check us out at C2E2 April 11th to the 13th in Chicago, Illinois. Hope to see you there. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Where now is the source that had Strider? When did these films start blowing? Where is the Helms Deep that once worked, with teary eyes flowing? Where is the land once inspiring, with great effects glowing? Where is the charm and the logic and the budget going? They have passed like piss in the toilet, like a fart in the men's room. These films have gone down like a pest drawn to greedy lights of Mount Doom. Who shall gather the smoke of past dead scripts burning, or behold the de-aged Legolas returning? How did it come to this? Anyway, this is a hobby movies. So after one of the greatest cinematic trilogies of all time won over just about everybody on planet Earth, Warner Bros. decided that they liked the money and IP was pulling in and wanted more. So they decided to do what honestly wasn't a bad idea, a prequel to the Lord of the Rings movies because, well, one already existed, The Hobbit. The original setup was to have Guillermo del Toro direct, which is honestly another good idea. The Hobbit is structurally a different type of book compared to Lord of the Rings, as Tolkien wrote it more for kids and didn't plan to write his incredibly detailed future magnum opus in this world. So the idea of bringing in a director who specializes in the dark and strange, but also enchanting and whimsical, seemed to make sense. The original thought was to tell it in two movies despite the book being very, very short. But a lot does happen and books are a different art form compared to movies, so this seemed to make sense enough. Del Toro partook in one of his favorite pastimes, though, abandoning a project. With production already in pretty deep, they turned to the guy who made it work the first time, Peter Jackson. Alright, yeah, I mean, these are very different types of stories, but Jackson proved to be very versatile. Again, this director would end up winning a Best Picture Oscar. Who's that dirty person who did the great, big, stinky poo that's blocking up the toilet? So it seemed like it could work. But not only was Jackson having a hard time keeping up with what del Toro started, and already being told he wouldn't have the same time and resources as the original trilogy, but some jackass decided, hey, we can make money, or we can make money. So they decided to make it three movies, which nobody understood. But again, many had faith in the project, and heck, it'll be nice to return to Middle Earth after being away for almost ten years. This leads to part one of the 600-minute trilogy based on a 300-page book, The Hobbit, An Unexpected Journey. So, okay, as much as I'm making fun of how much this trilogy was bad and unnecessary and a greedy corporate cash-in, I'll be honest, I love the hell out of this first one. As much as Return of the King? No. As much as Two Towers? No. But, hot take, I actually like this film more than Fellowship. Even though I totally acknowledge Fellowship! It's probably a better-made movie. Again, it's hard to get angry at the problems of Fellowship, because, like I said, it was a proof-of-concept film. It needed to get as many people on board for this trilogy as diligently as possible. As the films went on, the audiences became more and more accepting that more time was going to be needed to make these stories as epic as they need to be. So when The Hobbit came around, there was less stress to prove itself worthy so it could take its time. Which is perfect for what a story like The Hobbit needs. It's more laid-back, it moves slower, it allows you to feel like you can breathe in this world and not squeeze in as much information as possible. You know how they cut Tom Bombadil out because they said he just wouldn't fit in the original trilogy? He would totally fit in this film. It's more relaxed and allows you to move at a slower pace. Now some may say, maybe it does a little too much of that! The story centers around Bilbo, now played by Martin Freeman, who's randomly approached by Gandalf saying he could use him to help a dwarf named Thorin, played by Richard Armitage, and his team of 12 other dwarves to get back their mountain of gold which was stolen from them by a dragon named Smaug. Can I help you? I'm looking for someone to share in an adventure. It will be very good for you. Most amusing for me. And while yes, there's certainly other things that happen in the story, that's the main gist of it and for the most part it doesn't lose track of that. The film has to mix the complicated world-building of Lord of the Rings with the simple world-building of The Hobbit despite them both taking place in Middle-Earth. And in my opinion, it mixes a lot better than it has any right to. I complained over and over how the editing felt too rushed and fellowship so it was hard to feel like you were really in this world with these characters. A world and characters people praised for years felt very real in the books. And again, I get it, you have to travel from place to place and introduce all these characters while not having the same amount of time you usually would have in a book. This film goes the opposite direction though. When you go somewhere, you're there for a while and it lets you sink in as much atmosphere as possible. You don't catch the tail end of a song, you get to hear the whole song. You don't get back and forth between a battle of wits with Gollum and Bilbo and something else, you're allowed to see the entire battle of wits. Now granted, a lot of your enjoyment is gonna rely on how much patience you have for this. I love Middle-Earth, I love these characters and so much of what people like about Tolkien's writing is that it engulfs you in the world he creates. And that's what I get out of this one. Even the additional stuff added to the story works okay for me. I don't mind giving the dwarves a big bad orc chasing them down, I mean most of the movies have a big bad orc in them. The conversation between the elves and wizards is pretty cool to see and we get a better idea what Saruman was like before he turned evil, plus why he was so trustworthy. And I like Bilbo has to choose to go on his adventure. He goes back and forth on it and at first he turns it down but then decides maybe something like this would be good for him. It's such a simple thing but I really think it goes a long way and adds a lot to his character. Not everything works. You probably noticed a lot of the CG looks very rushed, especially the main orc and the de-aging effects. Oh don't worry, they get even better. There's an additional climax tagged on at the end I didn't think was needed. I mean man, ending after Gollum gives the best scene in the movie would have been perfect. And I don't know what this guy's about. This is a little... stick insect. I just don't know what this guy is about. But honestly, and I know I'm a minority here, this is the Fellowship of the Ring I always wanted. It had more patience, more of a gentle charm, but it also didn't shy away from having a dangerous edge as well. It'll go weird and dark in a way that I feel speaks to the kid audience it was originally written for, but also connects with adults who are used to the original trilogy. That'll do it. I don't care what anyone says, I love this flick. It's fun, it's creative, and it's a smaller story without feeling like you've been cheated out of something bigger. Overall, it looks like this series was off to a good start. Yeah, don't get used to that. Part 2, The Desolation of Smaug, is where things go downhill fast. And again, I think a lot of it comes down to these had-to-be-three movies. There just isn't enough material for three, so they made a ton of shit up that clearly doesn't belong. So on paper, not a ton really needs to happen. Our heroes have to battle a giant spider, they escape some elves, they make it to a town just outside the mountain, and then they go in the mountain to defeat the dragon. That sounds totally doable for an hour-and-a-half movie. Too bad it's over two-and-a-half hours long! Yeah, so while I feel like the majority of fans probably look at Peter Jackson directing these like, It's not your fault. This is the one thing I can't excuse. The length of these movies. What advantage is there to have these films over two-and-a-half hours? A shorter film would get more screenings in theaters, hence more money, so I don't follow it. But okay, like the other trilogy, they have to squeeze in a lot. I mean, just so much damn material. So we'll give them the extra time. Oh wait, no they don't! I could read the entire book in the amount of time it takes me to watch this movie. Which is only part two of said book. Why? So they can pad it out for some mysterious reason. We need Freckles the Elf to have her own story. Gandalf needs to journey with Tom Bombadouche to see that Sauron is back. Yeah, remember the first film when he was so puzzled by the ring, so he went to do research and saw Mount Doom bubbling and eventually put together that Sauron's not dead? Well, maybe he could've skipped all that and just remember back to the fact that he SAW SAURON'S NOT DEAD! Then the orc from before just vanishes, so a lot of tension with him is gone. We spend a lot of time in this town getting to know these instantly forgettable people we're apparently supposed to care about. Hey, do girls still like Legolas? Well, let's slap some Uncanny Valley makeup on him to change their minds on that! You see, he's upset because Freckles is in love with one of the dwarves. Now, you might think that's incredibly unnecessary and stupid, and you'd be correct, but I have to give it a little bit of credit because that at least makes this dwarf somewhat stand out. As bafflingly, this film decides not to develop these 13 characters who are constantly on screen, and instead creates new ones out of thin air. These poor actors who had to spend hours and hours in makeup chairs are basically mute throughout the entire trilogy. There's only three who are developed. Thorin, because he's the lead dwarf, Baelin, so we can know who Gimli was headbutting, and Freckles' boyfriend, who I know has a name, but that is literally the only thing that sets him apart from the others. Everyone else is furniture. And because they do so little, I start to notice more and more how distracting their makeup is. They look less like dwarves and more like inside-out Oompa Loompas. And even all this, I could forgive if it wasn't maliciously boring. Remember the spider I brought up earlier? I completely forgot that was a plot point in this until I rewatched it. The franchise with the scariest spider in cinematic history. I forgot it even did another one in these movies. Almost nobody does or says anything of interest. All these great actors are giving their all for lines that you'll forget right after hearing them. And maybe the most insulting, this film is ugly. Every once in a while, there's a pretty image, but going from the beautiful landscapes of the original trilogy, and even the previous film, to most of the shots looking like the lens was cleaned with fish guts is just not acceptable. How do we go from the angelic majesty of these vibrant mountains to a helmet cam from a whitewater YouTube channel? It's actually pretty hard to comprehend. Now with that said, I do think there's two scenes that work very well. And big surprise, they're very similar to the book. One is, despite some of the camera work, the barrel chase. I think it's fun and goofy and has a lot of creative energy. Some people say this looks too silly. What is this, a kid's story? Yes. Number two is the scene from Smog. Now I'll be honest, Smog doesn't look nearly as good as what they were building up. Like, they were promoting this showing Benedict Cumberbatch in a motion capture suit. Like, this is gonna be the next Gollum. First off, it never looks like he's there. He looks like that Sean Connery dragon had a scar-type brother. Second, Gollum looks enough like a human that you can capture a human performance with an actor. What the hell is dressing up Doctor Strange like a robo-dolphin gonna do? Ooh, that's so how Cumberbatch would move his wing. This doesn't make sense. Despite that, these two give really good performances here. Really capturing the somewhat playful, yet still very intimidating nature of this scene. I merely wanted to gaze upon your magnificence. Do you think flattery will keep you alive? No, no. No, indeed. Again, for all the film's faults, everybody is clearly giving their all in this. But sadly, it's not enough. Because it's boring, ugly, pointlessly long, and straight up doesn't capture the source material most of the time. It's a huge step down from its previous installment. So, is the final film any better? No. Francis, has this ever happened to you? Good day to you, sir. No! Leave this institute of decency, and don't you return until you take a shower. I smell like butt. You don't have to smell like butt with Mando. From the founders of Lume, Mando Whole Body Deodorant is helping men conquer their odor in a new way. It's formulated with mandelic acid, and has long-lasting, 72-hour odor control that actually stops odor before it starts. Thanks, Mando! It hasn't done anything yet! Oh my god, what is happening? I try Mando Starter Pack, which is perfect for new customers. It comes with a solid stick deodorant, cream tube deodorant, two free products of your choice, I chose the mini body wash and deodorant wipes, and it also has free shipping. 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I'll be honest, the last one left such a bad taste in my mouth, I didn't even bother to see this one in theaters. A Middle Earth movie on the big screen, and it just didn't seem worth it to me. These films are feeling like homework. I could not find why any of this was supposed to be interesting. As far as I was concerned, the film seemed done. The dragon was out. They got the gold. What else was left? Well, in the book, Smog burns up the town that helped the dwarves, and some of the dwarves feel bad about it. However, Thorin comes down with dragon sickness, which corrupts his mind with greed and paranoia. This causes him to turn his back on the villagers, dismiss an army of elves who literally just want a necklace that I think they explained in a throwaway sentence why it's worth going to war for, and also prepare for a battle with the big bad orc from the first film. Wasn't it nice of them to write him back into the story? And if you're like, wait, that's only four armies, well, there's dune worms. Oh, and these bats. As well as some eagles. Yeah, they really don't care who fills that number five slot. Now, this film is clearly bad, but there were some things I was digging. I didn't think I'd get into the dragon sickness story, but this actor played it so well, I was kind of on board. I have been blind to see one thing. I believed I would took him over, and I legit felt bad for this one guy who put his life on the line for him. Smaug goes from a midi boss in Skyrim to a pretty intimidating presence early on. I'm actually almost legit scared of this thing. Is that your child? He will burn! And despite a film series called The Hobbit focusing very little on The Hobbit, he's almost always the best character in every scene he's in. For all the needless subplots these movies have, I always feel like I know what this guy is about. It's always easy to identify with him, and they keep him interesting. I picked it up in Baelin's garden. One day it'll grow, and every time I look at it, I'll remember. How lucky I am that I made it. But yes, we still have to wrap up these pointless subplots, like Gandalf and his crew looking like Hogwarts teachers fighting in a Power Rangers episode. Freckles and what's-his-name finishing up their late romance. Why does it hurt so much? Because it was real. You knew him for a day! Easily the most obnoxious comic relief in Middle Earth with the king's minion named Alfred. This guy makes me want to give Gimli the Mark Twain award, he's so awful. He adds nothing, isn't funny, and if you just typed in unpleasant in a 3D printer, this is what it would create. We don't want no tramps, beggars, nor vagabonds. Show your father some respect. Coward. Not every man's brave enough to wear a coal seat. He's like Jack Sparrow, slow as sperm, impregnated a mud puddle. The army of dwarves is led by the Polar Express here. You hear that, lads? Come on, let's give these bastards a good harvesting! I know this shit was crazy, but could you really not just throw a guy in makeup for this? Hell, you could take one of these forgettable dwarves, exactly how they look, slap a helmet on them, and nobody would tell the difference. It's bad, but I will admit, I was getting through it a little easier than the last one. By the time I got to the battle of the five armies, I remember thinking, all right, I can tolerate another 20 minutes of this or so. That can't be real. We're only halfway through, and the rest of the movie is just the battle? Oh, God! Okay, yeah, Middle-Earth battles are famously long, but they have the courtesy of making us care. What am I supposed to be invested in here? That pretty, pretty princess necklace? The town of which one guy I sort of care about? The dwarves, who as far as I'm concerned, already completed their mission? No, I'm clearly supposed to care about the bats. Seriously, who's slot five? The only thing that keeps me from hating this film as much as the last one is occasionally the fight is so crazy, it does get a giggle. Like, I legit love this moment. Oh, buddy. Nicholas has to have another impossible moment, which at first I thought this was it. Hey, that's adequately stupid. I'm okay with that. But then, like the basis of this whole trilogy, they got too greedy to where I couldn't believe what I was watching half the time. Bet you didn't know the elves were part Mario, brother. I hope my family knows to tuck in the exact mathematically correct position. Oh, that's lucky. And maybe the dumbest, which, as you've noticed, is quite impressive at this point, is the final battle with the main orc. After somehow playing a sillier version of Don't Break the Ice, the orc falls into the freezing water. But wait, he has to make sure he's actually dead. Don't think he can hurt you anymore, buddy. Have to be quite the dedication to a performance to fake out for that long. Christ, this is stupid. For as crazy as the crazy scenes were before, they had a loose but still consistent line of reasoning. Now, every fight is legal as taking down an olyphant. If science didn't exist. Even for a story that was originally supposed to be for kids, this is jumping whatever a middle-earth shark is. These last two movies are just so bad. When Bilbo and Gandalf just sit like they're so done with this shit, that should have been the box set for the trilogy. Because nothing sums it up better than that. So yeah, you got an unexpected good start. The desolation of a franchise in the Battle of Five Hours. This just didn't work. I am happy we got that first film, though. Like I said, this was the start I wish Lord of the Rings had. But what it amounts to just didn't feel justified. Can I say this is one of the worst trilogies ever? No, when you've seen as many flicks as I have, you know this doesn't offend nearly as bad. But it is very disappointing after such an impressive accomplishment with the first trilogy. Had they kept it to two movies and maybe spent their time making the actual main characters main characters instead of making up new ones, maybe there would have been something. It's crazy to think this is the most expensive trilogy ever made, yet the majority of it looks terrible. Now, my guess is this is a Justice League or Solo scenario where, because a director left and so much had to be redone, the cost went up. Almost like shooting an entirely new movie. So on some level, I can understand some of these cut corners. It's the fact that they never kept a strong focus on the original narrative or even the new narrative they constructed. Peter Jackson admitted through a lot of the trilogy he was just winging it, and yeah, I guess I wouldn't want to be in his shoes trying to pick up the pieces of this broken production while also trying to make the studio happy and stay true to what made the original film so great. But in a series where the most unlikely characters end up walking tall, this series sadly ends coming up short. And that's it. That's finally the end of Lord of the Rings month. I'm the Nostalgia Critic and I'm... Why does it hurt so much? Because it was real. This month for Cameos for Charity, we're doing the Living Well Cancer Resource Center. I have a personal connection with this one because my cousin is a cancer survivor and she attributes a lot of her well-being to this organization. Their focus is to help cancer patients and their caregivers learn the vital skills that enables them to gain control, reduce isolation, and enhance their quality of life. 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