Best Wine For Dry January (Taste Test)

Today, we're tasting notes of non-alcoholic wine. Let's talk about that. Good Mythical Morning! All right, we're still getting into the new year, which means that resolutions are still in play. Ah, yes, they are. At this point. Well, here's the thing. Most people don't keep their resolutions, Lincoln. That's what dry January is for, because all you gotta do is make it through January. It's a good resolution, because it's a resolution that only lasts as long as people care about resolutions. Yeah, a month. And now, are you doing dry January? Uh, no, but I am today. You mean during this episode? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm doing dry January for this episode as well. We're gonna be tasting some non-alcoholic wines. Now, we've tasted non-alcoholic liquors in the past. We're gonna go in the wine direction today to help you out if you're in that dry January territory. Yeah, dry January territory. As you can see, we can't. And welcome back to Helmet Flavor Taster. I'm so glad it's back. HFT 3.0 for 2023. Dude, I'm just gonna be honest. I hate this thing. Yep, you've let all of us know that many times. I mean, why do I look like so short and shrimpy? Like, I'm being pushed down. I don't like being attached to you. That's very clear. You think I like being attached to you? I just don't talk about it as much. Okay, here is how this is gonna work. The Mythical Crew has tracked down some of the best-selling non-alcoholic wines on the market, which all claim to taste like their fully alcoholic counterparts. We'll see about that. We will. What we won't see, we'll taste. You're gonna be served these booze-free wines through those booze-free booze tubes, and then guess what kind of wine each is. You'll also have two life vines each. Oh, that's cute. In which you may taste any alcoholic wine type of your choosing to help you make a more informed guess. All right. Points will escalate each round, and the winner will get to drink their favorite beverage from the world's biggest wine glass. So maybe by the end of this, I'll have an attitude adjustment about this helmet. Okay, now before Chase pours your first sippies, What up, Chase? I want to remind you of your options here. It could be a Cabernet Sauvignon, Merlot, Prosecco, Moscato, Chardonnay, Sparkling Rosé, or Sauvignon Blanc, or Pinot Noir. I was so concentrated on saying Sauvignon that I almost missed Pinot. Pinot. This is not a dry episode for me, let me just say. All right, Chase, let's taste it. You got it, Stevie. Oh, man. Are you still locked off? I'm locked off and now I'll open it up. Okay. Wow! Good gracious. When I opened it up, I got a lot of wine air in my mouth first. Wow, that's fruity. You know what I just realized? Non-alcoholic wine is just freaking grape juice. It just tastes like juice. What the heck? There's no bite to it at all, so now I just don't know. I'm just tasting grape juice over here. That was just straight up Welch's. Stevie, could you quickly review the options? Cabernet Sauvignon, Merlot, Prosecco, Moscato, Chardonnay, Sparkling Rosé, Sauvignon Blanc, and Pinot Noir. Okay. Here we go. Three, two, one. Moscato! See? That's what I was thinking. It's so sweet, and I know that's a super sweet wine. I mean, it tasted like apple juice to me. Yeah. Interesting. So you both don't taste like... Okay, can we get a second guess? Three, two, one. Prosecco. Sauvignon Blanc. Okay. You can go ahead and take your blindfolds off. Oh, what was that noise? I think that was my neck. I can't... Or maybe you can't do it. I need a hand, because I literally... Okay. I have so much of this wine in here. I freaking hate this thing. So just hold up the tube if you would, because I don't want... Oh. I don't want wine on my... It's sparkling. I thought it might be sparkling, but it didn't taste like a rosé at all. Well, this non-alcoholic wine is produced by Pierre Chavannes Winery in France, and contains floral and fruity aromas of currants and raspberries. It's a sparkling rosé. Yeah, okay. What? The reason I went with Prosecco the second time is because Prosecco is sparkling. Yeah, yeah, that's a good guess. But it's fruitier. It's definitely fruitier than a Prosecco. It's great for the children, I guess, because it tastes just like... Give that to the kids. Apple juice to me. Okay, guys, and as you're going about this, just keep in mind which ones you like more than the other ones, because we're going to do an informal ranking of sorts, you know? I didn't dislike the first one. It tastes like Welch's. Yeah. Okay, Chase, please, if you will. Thank you. Sounds like he did. Sounds like he is. I was. I didn't do that. I got it all over myself. I don't know where that came from. Did it come out of my valve? Now, this one tastes more like wine than the last one. It's less juicy. It's less fruity. I feel a little fruity, though. It's a little fruity, but it's definitely drier. It's very weak, though. There's no... It's weak-bodied. Weak-bodied. As opposed to full-bodied. Weak-bodied boys. Kind of like me this month, man. I just feel so daggum weak-bodied. Daggum it. I think I got the answer. I don't love this one as much as the Juicy Juice, but all right, I'm ready. Three, two, one. Moscato. Sauvignon Blanc. Okay, your guesses have been registered. You may take off your blindfolds. That's all we get is our registered guesses? I don't understand what that means. Well, we're both wrong, because it's a red wine. Oh, gosh, you have so much red wine on you. But you know, now that I see it, I know what it is. Okay, well, that's not how the game's played. It's Pinot Noir. This is from Ariel Vineyards, and it offers aromas of black currants, cherries, blueberries, and chocolate with soft tannins and a dry finish. Pairs well with manchego, carne asada, Texas chili, wood-fired pizza, and it's an oak-aged cab. No, it's not. This is so weak. This is weak. Like a cab, you wanna have full-bodied. I don't taste the tannins, y'all. This is weak-bodied. I need them tannins. This one is a last place so far. I'm not even gonna put it right next to it. Don't you think? Now that I know that they were trying to go for a cabernet and that's what they came up with, I think you should just throw it off the table. That's basically what... No, I'm gonna do this. I'm using restraint. Hi, Chase. You're doing a really great job. Oh, okay. I'm just kidding. You're poor. You're a great poorer, Chase. For richer, for poorer. Oh, this is weird. Oh! Oh yeah, oh yeah. What in the world? This doesn't taste like anything I've ever had. Notes of farm hay. Okay, here's the thing. Now I'm not tasting... I'm trying not to taste what it tastes like. I'm trying to taste how far off that tasted like cabernet a second ago to then try to dial in how far off this is from what it's trying to be, if that makes sense. You can use a life vine if you think it's something. It's growing on me. It has a characteristic of wine that the rest of them haven't, but I don't wanna tell you what it is. I would like to try an actual wine if you don't. I'm gonna try a... I'm gonna try a real pinot. Of course, we can't drink alcohol on YouTube, so I'd like a moment of privacy. Learn anything? Well, let me tell you right now. I just had a real pinot. So what I got over in here... I mean, keep your hints to yourself, unless you wanna help me. You ready to guess? Yep. Three, two, one. Pinot Noir! It ain't no pinot. Okay, you can take your blindfolds off. We've already had a cabernet. Have we? Yeah. Oh, well, crap. It's not... I don't see any... Oh, that's white, man. That's white. I wasn't even in the right... I mean, it was... It had some body to it. It had... I keep wanting to touch your shoulder. It had tannins. It was the first one that had tannins. And so therefore, I thought it was a red. Me too. But I was giving them credit. It's... It's Luminara! Alcohol-removed Napa Valley wine, which is the first ever exquisitely crafted alcohol-removed wine made from the fruit grown in the prized Napa Valley area with rich tropical fruit aromas followed by a palette of Fuji apple and lemon cream. It's a Chardonnay. Your cheat actually did help you. Here's why. I tasted it, and I said, Chardonnay. First thing that came to mind. Chardonnay. Tannins. Yeah. Then, I was like, maybe it's a Pinot. And then you requested a Pinot, and I was like, oh, he's tasting Pinot too. Gotcha! Now, this one grew on me, so I'm gonna put it in second place. I think it's the best one. You can't put Welch's first, man. I mean, you can't put the one that tastes like juice. Yeah, you might as well just get juice. This has the characteristics of wine. Put it in third place. You know what? It has sort of a Pinot quality to it. Okay, you know what? We're celebrating dry January here, doing a not-so-great job of tasting non-alcoholic wines, but the team over at Spork.com, they're coming right at you for dry January too, telling you the best mocktails, the canned mocktails, actually, and the best non-alcoholic beer and whiskey. So, listen. If you want to get some legitimate opinions that aren't just two guys wearing a contraption and blindfolded, Hey, this really demands respect. But people who are looking at it and tasting it at the same time, head over to Spork.com to supply all your non-alcoholic beverages needs. But I'm not gonna take all of the blame here. I'm gonna put some of the blame on the non-alcoholic wines that we've been tasting. Yeah, they're not doing a great job. I mean, we're guessing red for whites and whites for red and non-sparkling for sparkling. And we're both doing it, so it's proven that it's bad. I'll take some of the blame here too. No, Chase. No, you're doing great as established. Please, show us your skills. Oh! Oh! Right on my shirt. That wasn't me. Oh, and it's just leaking right on me. This is very mild. You think? It's got tannins, man. Yeah, it does. I would like to taste a Pinot. Is it dry? Okay. Was that better than what I've been drinking out of this tube? It tasted like it had alcohol in it. Yeah, that kind of makes it nice. But beyond that, learned nothing. Mm. You want to guess? Yeah. Three, two, one. Moscato. Oh my goodness. This is from a company called Free, which uses an exclusive spinning cone process to gently remove the alcohol while preserving the delicate aromas of black plum with soft cherry and spice flavors found in there. Merlot. I got so lucky. Was that an informed guess or a lucky guess? I mean, it did have a little bit of body. It had tannins. It's okay. You know, it's just hard to compensate for the alcohol being removed and saying... But again, if you're at a party, if you're at an engagement, and you want to be sipping on something, I think that this is pretty good. And then this is just juice. Where do they take all the alcohol that they remove because I would like to go there? Yeah. I'd like to put that at number one. What are you thinking? Well, I thought it was a good Moscato. So sure. It was a bit fruity. All right. He said sure. The final pour. These escalating points? Yes. Oh, they are? Oh, I have a chance. Mmm. Whoa. Wow-wee. Sweet. What in the world's happening there? Floral. I kind of like this. Now this one tastes like roses. Does that mean it's rosé? That's already been had. We've already had that. Mmm, yeah. Rosé is not drinking roses, though. Okay, I've got to guess. I don't even need a life vine, I don't think, because I don't want to give you any more hints than you might already have. Mmm. Mmm. Ready, Link? Yeah. Three, two, one. Moscato! That's got to be it. Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, see, I put a little defensive maneuver on you. Yeah, that's got to be it, man. Okay, we have another wine from Free, which opens with gorgeous aromas of rose petals and peaches framed by a palette of sweet, creamy flavors and a lovely lingering finish. It's a Moscato. Yes! I fended off your assault, Rhett. I actually didn't... You're getting leaking right all over your shoulder. Oh, crap. But maybe it heals. Yeah. Maybe wine heals. Sprinkling of the healing. Gonna fix my collarbone. I quite like that one. Moscato. It's at least number two. Yeah. Move it over there. Let's move these down. So, yeah, the disappointment that is Ariel stays at the bottom. But check it out. Look at the top two are the same brand. Pierre Rosé is just... just buy yourself some apple juice, in my opinion. The Chardonnay has tannins. But listen, both of the top ones are this... Is it Free or Fray? Free. They're not free, though. I assume you have to pay for them. True happiness lies in the Fray. But this brand is doing something that the other brands is not doing. Okay? Grammar! That's right. So I won, huh? Yep. All right, so shout-out to Fray and shout-out to Mae. I get to sip my favorite beverage, which is a ginger grapefruit yerba mate, not a sponsor from a big-ass wine glass. That's my favorite beverage, too. Well, then you'll enjoy watching me sip it like you normally do at lunch. You get it? See that? You see me? I can't. I can't. I thought that was your good arm. It's my good arm, but for some reason I didn't have depth perception. Good golly. That's... I'm so jealous. Thanks for subscribing and clicking that bell. You know what time it is. Hi, I'm Patrick. And I'm Sumatra. And we're on our honeymoon in beautiful Bora Bora. And it's time to spin the Wheel of Mythicality. Well, look at you. Look at him. Click the top link to discover if we can smell which fruit different wines were made from in Good Mythical More. And to find out where the Wheel of Mythicality's gonna land. Check out even more rankings of the best non-alcoholic booze, soft drinks, and more at spork.com.