How Anger Helps Romantic Relationships

Many of us were never given that opportunity for anger to be more than welcome and present. And it's just data coming up from your nervous system and tells you something about what you need in relationship. I often work with people who are struggling in the midst of relationship, whether it's a relationship with their child, family member, intimate partner. And often we think of problems in relationship being due to a lack of love and connection. And so sometimes in some traditional couples therapy, people may be asked to give each other gratitudes, to speak to each other more kindly, to create space for more intimacy. I have kind of a novel take on this, that I think that really important relationships is actually cultivating space for anger. We'll look for just a moment at how anger can really help your relationships. So if I am holding some kind of resentment towards my husband, if our lives are getting chaotic with our kids and trying to navigate all the different tasks of keeping the household running. And I feel like he's maybe not doing as much as I am, right? Which sometimes may just be a projection, meaning that it's not actually accurate, but if I'm getting frustrated with him and I don't allow myself to feel that anger, if I say, I love him, I can't be angry with him. Or if I just rationalize, well, you know, he's busy too. It's okay that he's not holding up his side of kind of what we negotiated. If I minimize it or turn it back on myself and say, it's not that big of a deal. I really should be picking up more, even though we maybe negotiated what the balance of division of labor would be. If I don't allow myself to feel this feeling and I push it down with any of these defenses of minimizing or denying or rationalizing the way that we push down a feeling physiologically in our bodies, we will end up having more anxiety. If you've ever tried to hold back tears or hold back frustration, often you will notice a clenching or tightening in your body. You may hold your breath. Anxiety goes up when we hold back feelings. And when that happens, we then work to minimize the anxiety by trying to get rid of those feelings often through these defenses. But unfortunately we then lose this really important information that our nervous system is telling us something's not equitable here. I'm not okay with this. I'm feeling resentful. I'm feeling angry. If we can allow ourselves to really deeply feel our anger and then communicate out of love, I love you. And this thing is happening that's making me angry. Our needs can get met. If we don't do this, not only do we have the symptoms of our defenses, but our needs never get met. We never actually ask our partner for what we really want. And this can be hugely devastating in our relationships because often I know, at least in my case, I want my husband to be able to read my mind, but he can't. And so if I don't let him know what's frustrating me or that I'm angry, he doesn't know or have the opportunity to potentially change. One of the things that I will often offer to couples is to every night, ask your partner, what have I done today that's made you angry? Now the caveat to this is that you have to actually be willing to hear that your partner is angry with you. And this can take some time because initially what we often do is we get defensive. So if someone tells me, if my husband said, I don't think you're keeping up your, I immediately went, well, do you know that I did these, all of these things, right? And that can be really destructive because it shut down the conversation. It's a defensive wall. It doesn't create the space for me to actually be curious about what I might have done that made him angry or vice versa. And so when couples can share equally and know that it's safe to speak about their anger, the love can deepen because it means it's safe for you not only to love me, but also to be angry. And you create the same for me. And sometimes in these conversations, if we don't just get defensive, we may be able to say, gosh, hon, I'm so sorry that I made you angry. Is it okay? If I tell you from my perspective, I think you may be missing part of the story. This is what was going on for me. And there can be a more robust conversation. Or we may say, you know what? I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today and you're right. I was really being kind of grumpy today and I'm really sorry. So there's time for repair. There's time for understanding, but foremost to accept the fact that the feeling of anger is normal. It's healthy. And when we can communicate it again, it becomes such a gift in your relationship because when that space is there for understanding and to potentially to compromise and find change or get our needs met, the love deepens, the safety and relationship deepens. So I would suggest that opening up in your relationship to talk about anger, to talk about frustration rather than sweeping them under the rug, getting anxious and then tripping over that big, you know, mess underneath the rug, right. Where we can have, you know, conflicts that are sometimes not even about, um, what there are about on the, on the surface, right. We can actually invite this in, welcome our loved ones to be angry with, with us. This is a beautiful thing to do with children. I hear that they're really angry with me and it's okay because many of us were never given that opportunity for anger to be more than welcome and present. And it's just data coming up from your nervous system that lets you know you're not okay with something. It doesn't mean things are going to change. It doesn't mean there has to be an argument, but that it's information and tells you something about what you need in relationship. So anger can be a really healthy addition to your relationships.