Why You're Ready to be a Parent | John Plumstead | TEDxUIdaho

Parents, have you ever thought about it? Have you ever thought about what it's like to be responsible for another human? Crazy, right? In 2009, I married my high school sweetheart, my best friend. And shortly thereafter, we decided to start a family, to have a baby. So we had a baby, a beautiful baby boy. He was perfect. We loved him so, so much, in fact, that we decided to have another baby. Another baby boy. Guess what? He was perfect, too. So then we had two beautiful baby boys, so we decided to have another baby. So we had another baby boy. It was amazing. Life as a family of five was going incredibly well. But we decided, let's have one more baby. One more baby I think is going to be the perfect number. So we had another baby, and finally, we got our fourth boy. And they're all perfect. Well, sometimes they're perfect, but let's be honest, right? Well, somewhere between baby boy number one and baby boy number four, I realized I've got no idea what I'm doing. I had great parents. They set a great example. Being responsible for four kids is a lot of responsibility. So I decided to start reading books. So I read books. I talked to family. I talked to friends. And what I eventually realized is no one knows what they're doing. It's the most important job in the world, but we're all clueless. So to try to figure out how to tackle this accomplishment, I decided to start reflecting on my experiences. I'm from a small town in northern Michigan called Honor, Michigan. When I say small, I mean really small. 299 people small. No fast food restaurants. No stoplights. It is small town America. And I loved my small town. But when I got done with high school, I decided I wanted the biggest, most life-changing experience I could find. So I went to West Coast, or the United States Military Academy. Here's me as a West Point cadet. If you're not familiar with West Point, it's a military school in upstate New York. We had to wake up early to make our bed, to shine our shoes. We participated in military training exercises. We learned how the words duty, honor, and country build character. We did all this while taking a full load of academic classes focused in science, math, and engineering courses. West Point was tough. West Point kicked my butt. I thought about quitting more than once. I wasn't sure if I could make it through West Point. But I learned that I could achieve anything through hard work and determination. So how has this experience affected my parenting style? Well, in our house, we emphasize how important hard work is. We teach our kids that talent and ability, those things aren't fixed. That you can always improve through hard work. That hard work is always part of the equation. While at West Point, I also decided to walk on to the Army football team. Being a walk-on means I wasn't recruited. The coaches didn't ask me to come play football for them. It was a struggle, but I made the team. I was on the Army football team. But at a certain point, I didn't feel like I was contributing to the level that I potentially could. I doubted myself. I thought maybe I wasn't good enough to be on that team. But I eventually realized I didn't need to be insecure. That I had a whole team of brothers that believed in me. You see, my brothers, my teammates, they believed in me more than I believed in myself. So with their support, I ended up playing and contributing more to the team. And by the time my football career was over, I was a starting linebacker and a team captain. Here's me in my final collegiate game. I'm number 42 there. This is the Army-Navy game. I'm shaking hands with the President of the United States. I fully embody the go Army, be Navy spirit. So I learned a lot of things playing college football. But I think most importantly, I learned about brotherhood. How has this concept of brotherhood affected my parenting style? Well, I've got four boys. We talk about being brothers and establishing a brotherhood on a daily basis. We operate our family as a family unit. We call that family unit Team Plumstead. And everything we do, good, bad, or indifferent, we do as a family unit. As Team Plumstead. When I got done with West Point, I became a soldier and deployed to Afghanistan. I wasn't sure what to expect in Afghanistan. Part of me thought it would be super intense and we would see combat every single day. Another part of me thought maybe it would just be a humanitarian mission. And we wouldn't ever see any combat. Once I got there, I realized we'd experienced it all, good and bad. Here's me with some of the brave soldiers that I was able to serve with, that I had the honor and privilege of serving with. So in Afghanistan, we lived in mud huts. We drank chai. We ate goat with our hands. Every day we'd sit down with the Afghan elders, try to figure out how to bring peace and stability to the area. These men have long gray beards. They had fought as Mujahideen fighters in the 1980s against the Soviets. We'd talk about politics. We'd talk about religion. We'd talk about the history of Afghanistan and how we could potentially bring peace to the area. And some days we did have humanitarian missions. Some days we would go to the local medical clinic or to the school to try to make sure they had enough supplies. Other days our mission was to go fight the enemy. We learned what it was like to encounter IEDs. We learned what it was like to be on the receiving end of mortar fire. We learned what it was like to be on the receiving end of AK-47 fire. We had some long, dark days in Afghanistan. And I found myself reflecting on my combat experiences quite often. I learned a lot. I learned a lot about myself. I learned a lot about other people. But I think most of all, I learned that everyone is capable of courage. So how does this play out in my parenting style? Well, in our house, we talk about being brave. My son may come home from the playground and say, Dad, today at the playground, I wanted to go talk to these other kids, but I didn't know them. So I was scared to go do it. But Dad, I did go play with them because I was brave. And some of you might say, being courageous in combat and being brave on a playground, those are completely different ends of the spectrum. And I agree with that. But I think you can build that capacity. Courage matters. Not being paralyzed by fear matters. You see, some people go through life trying to avoid fear. Some people go through life and they're paralyzed by fear. Other people say, yes, this is scary, but I'm going to continue to move forward. And in our house, we try to say life is scary, but we're going to continue to move forward. Does this mean my life is full of successes? And I've never had, the hell you just built, I have had huge failures in my life. As a leader, I've made poor decisions. Some of those poor decisions could have cost people their lives. I worked really hard at West Point, but I was on academic probation all four years. And I'm not going to give you the details on my mixed martial arts fighting career, but it was a pretty short career. I went 0-1, and in my one fight, I got knocked out cold. But it's okay, because failure is part of the journey too. You see, I have a light bulb go off. I realize that the past 31 years have been leading up to me being a dad. Every single experience I've had in my life has been preparing me to be a dad to those four boys. You see, I value hard work. I value brotherhood. I value courage, and I value the willingness to fail. This is my parenting style. Does this mean my kids are going to be mixed martial arts fighters, and football players, and soldiers? Well, they might be. But most likely, no, they're going to find their own experiences. And I'm going to support them when they go to look for those new experiences. But I have a responsibility to use my experiences to guide me as their father. You see, I've learned that parenting isn't about saying the right things, reading the right books, or getting the right piece of advice. Parenting is all about using our experiences to guide us through the process. So my challenge to you is this. Let's all stop looking for those perfect answers and realize we already have all the tools we need. Thanks, and good luck.