HOW TO FIX BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS | sexual compatibility, conflict resolution & more

Let's get naked. Well, hello, you guys. Welcome back to our channel. Welcome back to the channel. It's good to see you. We hope that you like the view. We are in North Carolina right now, but the majority of this video is actually about our trip to Dallas. We went to the XO marriage conference and honestly, we thought that we were going to like download all of this wisdom and then just give it all to you. But we were so personally impacted by it. We were wrong. It's funny how God works because he aligns all these things for us to work with XO marriage conference. And we're like, Oh wow, this is so cool. It's gonna be so great. But coincidentally Tori and I got one of our biggest fights we've ever had the week before we went to the conference. And it was not a cute fight. It was definitely an ugly fight. I think it was our worst fight that we've ever had. And one of the first talks at the conference was how to disarm anger. And we're like, resolve conflict. The whole time we're at the conference, we're just getting this Tori said gut punch was just truth after truth after truth. And we just couldn't help but feel like, why do more people not know this stuff? Why are we not being taught this stuff in schools or at our families? And maybe you have been, but I know I wasn't. And these are like just cold nuggets of wisdom that we wanted to share with you guys from our experience there. But before we do our like download to you guys, we want to show you some like behind the scenes and a little montage of the trip because you're going to enjoy this. We are at the Exo marriage conference right now. If you're wondering why it's a very different background than like our, our bedroom. All those who are looking at me a little strange right now, my name is Dan Lee and I was born in Melbourne, Australia. That's the reason my voice is this way. My mother and father are Chinese. That's where my face is this way. But now I live in Anderson, South Carolina. That's the reason I have type two diabetes. I have blind spots that I'm never going to see. And if it wasn't for my spouse, I would never know the areas that needs to be worked on. She's not my enemy. She's not even my counterpart. She's actually me. Your spouse is you outside of you, looking back at you, talking to you about you. Day two. We didn't plan that at all. Day two, we're just being blown away by it and everything. Everyone's being so, so hot, so honest, open and transparent. And we're just really, really enjoying this time. And so we just met the speakers who are going to be speaking in the next couple of sessions and just talking to them for like two minutes. We're like, Oh, wow. It's going to be powerful. I'm super excited. So we're getting ready to go in now. And so then you fast forward in those early years when I find this pornography and I'm struggling with my own, like what is going on? I mean, it was a lot we had to work through. We had to really, and we did, I mean, God helped us through it. I went to counseling for a long time, not just for this issue, but it was one of a lot of issues. I went through anxiety. I went through a short depression, not just because of this, but there's just a lot of stuff. The reason I share this is even going through all those struggles, being willing to talk about it, being willing to get real about it and, and just allowing God to renew our minds because that's really what I needed. I needed to renew. I needed God to renew my mind. So that was just a little behind the scenes of the conference. And of course it was over like two days and it was so powerful. It was so powerful. In fact, that Tori and I had it pressed in our hearts while we were there. That sounds so Christian-y. We had it pressed in our hearts while we were there to use our own money to pay for 10 couples to live stream one of the conferences next year. And so if you want more details on how to submit to that, um, check out the YouTube description. I said it right this time. Uh, because we would love to use our resources to help bless people because we don't know why this stuff is not being taught and why these speakers are not being heard more. And so definitely check that stuff out. We were so greatly impacted. We're actually going to download some of the stuff that we learned now. Okay. Y'all, these were some of just the titles of these talks, disarming anger and resolving conflict. Let's get naked. That was good. Three lies that we believe about sex, joy, restored how wise couples win. That's our song and the servant rules. I love that. Wow. I feel like China keeps saying like we could do an entire YouTube video on every single one of these topics. And if you guys want more after we like talk about all these on any of the topics, let us know, because we would love nothing more than to like go even deeper into these topics. Because I feel like the Lord was teaching us so much. And like Chad said, like the timing of us getting in that huge fight right before we went. And then the first talk being about disarming anger and resolving conflict was just, we were like, okay, God, we see what you're doing here. I think that there, um, China, I was talking like, there's going to be an attack on this video because we feel like the message behind the conference and the message that we kind of just want to talk to you guys about is something that the enemy doesn't want. Like there's such an attack on marriage. It's such a powerful force and a union under God and the enemy doesn't like that. And so he's going to come against it. And so we thought that, you know, everything that was talked about was so vitally important to your daily life. Honestly, whether you're married or you're not. Yeah. One of my favorite parts about the conference was some of the super subtleties that were happening. You know, it's a marriage conference. So people are there, whether their marriage is thriving or it's their last ditch effort to fix their marriage or save it. I saw, I kid you not. I saw people that were couples that were sitting like this, you know, and then after the first day they're like this and then late on the second day they're like this and you just see marriages being restored. And like, I agree with Tori that there is an attack on marriage to destroy it. And it's such a holy and sanctifying thing that the enemy doesn't want that to happen. And I was just so impacted because number one, it opened my eyes to see, wow, like there's a lot of people that could use a lot of support, but it also gave me so much hope to see that there is hope for us and our inside of our relationships or even on our own walk that we are, our innocence and our hope and our, our eternal perspective doesn't have to be lost in our circumstances. I feel like we get so caught up in what's directly happening around us. Like, you know, if you're in the middle of a tornado, what's your, what's your biggest worry? The tornado. What I love about what we get to do as believers is we get to share this eternal perspective and hope, and we don't have to like live inside of a tornado of fear that's circling us in this world. And we get to, we get to live inside of a circle of hope that surrounds us in Christ. And I just get, I got super jacked on that. Yeah. I feel like something that was really beneficial to me was they were talking about what lens are you seeing your life through and seeing your spouse through. And you can either look through the lens of gratitude, or you can look through the lens of gratefulness. And also you can look through the lens of grace. You can look through the lens of Jesus, or you can look through the lens of the enemy. And I think so often in marriages, especially when today's anger, it's okay. Like that's, that's healthy. You can talk about it. You can resolve it. But yesterday's anger is where it gets really dangerous. And having that perspective and knowledge to know like, Hey, if we get frustrated or we get angry today, like that's okay. We, we now know how to resolve conflict. We now know how to disarm that anger. But if as soon as we go to sleep on it and we, we haven't worked it out, then that's when resentment comes in. And that's when we allow the enemy to start whispering things in our ear. Like, did you marry the right person? Oh, it's definitely their fault and all of these little things that can seep into your brain. And it's the enemy. It's not Jesus. But when you look through the lens of gratefulness, that you have this person in your life that sees your blind spots, you know, cause they were talking about like, when you're single, you don't see those things about yourself that are like that. It was really funny when he said, he's like, if someone were to say, Oh, I don't have any blind spots. He's like, Oh really? Tell me what the back of your head looks like. And it was just, it was, it was this beautiful picture of like, I'm not trying to single out, single people at all, but just to point it out that marriage is a reflection of who you are. And that's why I think so many people struggle inside of it is because you're having the worst parts of you reflected back at you. And so someone can see them and point them out to you and not always in a mean way, but just in a truthful way. But whenever it's just you, you, I mean, you can call yourself out for your own baggage, you know, but not everyone will do that. People typically will want to surround themselves with yes men and people pleasers. That way they're not confronted with the things that they're personally struggling with. There was this quote that he said, what was the quote? Your spouse is outside of you looking back at you, talking to you about you. Yes. Yeah. And I also, they really focused a lot on just being honest, open, transparent, being naked in front of each other and not afraid and not ashamed because let's be real. You bring stuff in to marriage. You don't get to like check your bags at the door and walk in and it's just this new season. And like, you didn't come like, y'all, wherever you go, like you're still there, you know, you're still you, you still like bring all your stuff. Yeah. I thought there was this quote that he said. He said, wherever you go, there you are. There it is. Anyways, there was this whole other sermon just like on, let's get naked. And I know that's like a very like catchy title, but it's really so true. Cause they were talking about Genesis two and how, you know, in the beginning of the Bible, they were naked and unashamed, but then when sin entered, whenever sin did enter and they were hiding themselves because they were ashamed, they started covering themselves in fig leaves. What they were doing is hiding their sin and their insecurities. And we do that with metaphorical fig leaves, whether it's really fancy clothes or a really cool job, or it's affirmations from texting a bunch of people and feeling better about yourself because a bunch of people message back. And by the way, I'm guilty of that. I'm not just calling people out. I'm guilty of that. We do so many things in our life to make ourself feel better because we're trying to cover up the ugly parts of us is essentially what we're doing. We're trying to metaphorically cover ourselves up. This talk on, let's get naked was just like, Hey, let's, let's be unashamed. All about how your spouse should just be your safe place in your home and your marriage. That's not a place where you let things like sit in the dark because anything that you keep in the dark is the enemy's territory. And he has full reign over that. And so if we're talking about seeing through the enemy's lens, anything you guys that we keep in the dark, that we don't communicate, that we're not naked about, that we're not like talking to our spouse about the enemy gets a foothold in your marriage and your relationships. And that's when the problem starts happening. It's like poison. It really is. And then, and then you see these couples that just like get distant and distant and distant and distant because they've allowed that gap to happen. That gap of time versus, okay, we get angry, something happens, whatever it is, but we fix this thing today. And we remind each other, like something that was really impactful to me was that the talk on disarming anger and him saying like, Hey, it's number one, it's okay to feel anger. Like that's okay. We can't sin in it, but we can talk about it. And if you have to like separate yourself and like go talk to Jesus before, like, if you feel like you, like there's times when I'm like, if I say anything, it might not be nice right now. So I'm just not going to say anything at all. And that might come across in a certain way. But for me, it's like, I need to have a full on conversation with the Holy spirit before like we communicate about this. Cause I'm not in a very good head space. And so it's good to know like what your reactions are and like how you process different things so that you can have like a better relationship with your spouse. So come back together. And the term what he was talking about with disarming something I really liked was he was saying, I come in to the room with my wife and I let her know before anything else has said, like, Hey, I love you. We're going to get through this. It's going to be okay, but Hey, let's sit down and let's work this out. And it's especially, I think coming from broken homes, if you're out there and you're a child of divorce, then there is this like knocking fear that like, okay, this is going to be the fight that like starts the fall, you know? And I think a lot of what we've learned in this whole conference in general is like not allowing those fears or to be honest, like generational curses of divorce or infidelity or whatever that might be in your family, come in and creep in. Like that's the stuff that I'm saying. Like you cannot keep that in the dark. You need to be open about those fears with your spouse and allow them, you know, to, to talk to you about it. Cause if you don't, then the enemy has full reign over those thoughts to allow you into those dark spirals. And it's not going to be good for you. One thing that was super encouraging when we were there is just how hot everyone was, how honest, open and transparent everyone was. Because there wasn't a prideful heart in the, in the whole auditorium of thousands of people. Like there was not a prideful heart and people were confessing like, Hey, I've done some like bad stuff. I've done some sketchy stuff. I've mistreated my wife. I I've done this and they weren't celebrating it, but they were, they were mourning it while they're finding help. And that was one thing I was most encouraged about because one of the big topics that came up was the taboo topic of pornography or different like sexual sins. And I know it's such a weird place cause people, people that's when the people like to hide the most, you know, cause it's such a sensitive and isolating topic. And I just felt super encouraged by people's authenticity of it that they, they, they were checking their pride at the door. They weren't afraid to say, yeah, I struggled with that. And yeah, this is how I worked through it. Here's how I confessed it. Yeah. This is what I had to do in order to work on it. And it was like they had a great testimony and victory and speakers are just sharing from their hearts and not just from like their wisdom, which is, which is amazing that they can do that. But they were also sharing from a place of such deep empathy. And that way as you discuss sensitive topics like those I just mentioned, people don't feel attacked. They don't feel they don't feel shamed that they're not pushed further back into the hole that they dug for themselves. And I just think it's so powerful that that this event had the power to make you to feel that. Cause I know I felt that personally. And to like, you guys know, like we're not really scared to talk about sex or porn or any of that stuff online, home internet, on YouTube. Um, but we do feel like it's like a taboo topic in the church. And it was so cool, especially to see Dave and Ashley up there. They have a podcast called the naked marriage podcast and they talk about, um, what they've walked through with porn inside of their marriage and how it hurt her and how they worked through it and how he found freedom from it. And we'll link their podcast below because it's, it's really, really good. It's actually the number one marriage podcast like in the country, which is so cool. So crazy. We love that. But they were just talking about the different lies that we believe about sex and about how we even believe that like porn and lust and sexual fantasies like aren't harmful. And y'all, they are, they are harmful and we can't believe these lies that culture feeds us. Like it's not going to be damaging to your relationship because it will be. And we also can't believe on the other front that like sex is a shameful act because I think that a lot of people, um, that grew up in the church, all they're told is like, no, it's gross. Like all of these things and they're not told enough that it's your tactic just to get people to not do it. Yes. And John talked about how like beautiful and what a gift it is from God and all of these things that like, if you've watched our truth about sex series, you've heard us say, but it was so cool to see this couple just be so honest on stage about this stuff. That's hard to talk about. Yeah. And I loved how they did it in such a way where, you know, like sex is so beautiful and so powerful that we must protect it. You know, it needs, it deserves its place in the seat of treating it with respect. They were just saying how intimacy has much more to do with communication than sexual compatibility. And I love, I love just like thinking about that, that like sex is beautiful and it's amazing. But communication at the root is the thing that's going to bind you guys emotionally and it's going to drive you physically as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's almost just like, I think what I'm feeling on that topic is that communication is the, is the key to connection and sex is just an expression of it. It's like, it's a way you can express feeling close, but communication is what leads to being close. Yeah. Anyways, there's so many things we could talk about from this conference and we can't wait to go back in February because we're going to have a whole new round of speakers and just things to share with you all. But don't forget that, you know, we feel so blessed that we get to help 10 couples, uh, tune into this conference next year. And so definitely go check out the YouTube description where there's going to be details and how to like, yeah, hopefully win that. Yeah. And if you want more information about XO or more content from them, we're going to link their streaming platform because they have so many good resources. If you're looking, um, just to learn more of any of these topics because we really trust them. They have so much integrity. We wouldn't push you guys to anyone that we don't trust and we like trust them. And so I think that's it, you guys. Sorry. That was just like a lot of minutes of rambling, but we just gained so much and we hope that it encouraged you in some way. If it did make sure to share it with a friend or share it with a family member or someone that you think it would encourage. And don't forget to like this video and we'll see you in the next one. We love you guys. Do, do, do, do, do. Oh, did we even acknowledge a hundred pay subscribers? Anyways.