Steve Martin stand up 1976

Okay, well, let's get moving now. We're having a good time here on the Midnight Special. You know, I travel... See, I'm a rambler. I travel around a lot. There's one thing about traveling that drives me crazy. I always have to rent cars, you know. I wish they rented 55 Plymouths, because all the new cars have seatbelt buzzers. You know, and you're getting a buzz, and you get out, and it goes buzz, and everything you do is buzz. You want to drive two inches, you know, it goes buzz, you know. What they're going to do is they're going to develop it to the point... Like, let's say you leave your keys in the car, and you get about 10 feet away, and the car goes, Hey! Your keys, you moron! They're going to have those things everywhere someday, you know. Not enough foreplay. Buzz! It drives me crazy. In airports, in a lot of modern buildings, they have all these electric hand dryers. They've installed electric hand dryers, you know, and there's no towels in the place. And it takes about 20 minutes to dry your hands, you know. So you wash your hands, and you're all ready to catch a plane, and there's no towel. And you're forced to stand there. This prevents chapping. Prevents the spread of disease caused by ordinary paper towels. Those things are really hard to blow your nose on. You take a hose, and you plug into it, and put it in your nose. Well, here's something you don't often see. I have this drink. It's just water, but I always like to have it with me, because it helps you to look cool, you know. You know, if you're at a party or something, and you don't have a drink in your hand, you're like a bozo, you know. You come out, and you're going, Well, how's it going? What's that? I'm just standing around. But as soon as someone gives you a drink, you know, you go, Thank you. This is the way I meet girls, by looking cool. The important thing is to have a great opening line. You've got to have the drink, and you go up to the girl, and you go, Yeah, I make a lot of money. Now, I don't know if you know anything about the stock market or not. If you do, you'll appreciate this. I bought cardboard when it was 14 cents a ton. And it's up to 16 cents now. And I bought three tons of it, so let's see. Well, you figure it out. Yeah, I just got me a new car, though, so I'm pretty proud of it. And you know how it is when you get a new car. You can't wait to get out there and get it. It's a prestige car. 65 Greyhound bus. Well, that put a lot of money into it, you know. Put a new dog on the side. The greatest thing about it, you know, besides being able to get up to 30 tons of luggage in it, Take a girl out, and you say, Hey, want to get in the back seat? You've got, like, 30 chances, you know. I don't do a Vegas act, you know. This is that slow pace. See, in Vegas, you know, it costs, like, $15 to get in, you know. In the places I work, it's, like, $3, you know. And people are going, Gee, I got $3. I think I'll throw it away. Oh, I can care for $3? Oh, okay. But in Vegas, you know, it's, like, $15. But the acts are really good. It's worth it, you know. Because you don't have to know anything to enjoy it. You can just go in and sit down, you know. And they keep it moving so fast that you just enjoy, you know. The opening act's always a singer, you know, and they go, Now, ladies and gentlemen, let's bring out Johnny Duke. Hey, good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm a man of many beauties, a guy with a lot of love. But I can say that I was really happy to be here at the Sands Hotel and I'd like to tell you a couple of gambling jokes for you now. Because, curtain up, lights and lights, we got nothing to do here tonight. Okay, so I'm a man of many beauties, a guy with a lot of love. But I can say that I was really happy to be here at the Sands Hotel and I'd like to tell you a couple of gambling jokes, a couple more gambling jokes. Because I've got to be me. I've got to be me. Personal friend of mine. Frank Sinatra is a personal friend of mine. Because I know Steve Martin is a personal friend of mine. Okay, let's go. Now I'll do a little dance routine for you. Here we go. Because the hills are alive with the sound of music. Hey, thank you. Thank you very much.