3 Crucial Questions to Ask Before Marriage | Michael Bungay Stanier

What would be the three questions that every person should ask their partner before getting married to try to set themselves up for a cautious, loving relationship, knowing that there's going to be, you know, ups and downs in life, but set yourself up for the best possible relationship. Well, really, I'm going to take one of the questions from the book, um, which is the fifth question, fifth and final question, which is how will we fix it when things go wrong? The repair question. That's great. And, you know, I just, uh, acknowledge all the work of the great people like Esther Perel and Terry Riel and John Gottman and Dan Siegel, these kind of giants in the world of intimate relationships who really studied this for years. And as I was writing this book and kind of re-immersing myself in all of their material again, two things became really clear. The relationships that last are the ones that get repaired. And most of us are not very good at repairing relationships. You know, most of us, we, we break bar easier than we think, you know, we like, uh, I feel a bit broken, a bit betrayed, a bit let down. And so many of us either do fight or flight or, um, what's the other one? You know, uh, uh, Terry Riel, Terry Riel said it was, um, uh, freeze and flee, uh, two options, but the third one that he suggests, which I really like is fix, fight, fight or fix, which is kind of moving into rescue a moment. Like if you know, the drama triangle, which is, um, comes from a, uh, a psychologist called Stephen Kaufman. He's like, when relationships get dysfunctional, three roles play out. There's the victim, there's the persecutor and there's the rescuer. And they're all equally dysfunctional. Rescuer sounds better than victim and persecutor just to screw it up. As the other two, and they're all, uh, reactive ways of behaving and they keep the relationship stuck in dysfunction. And in fight and flight and fix, you actually have the brain description of those three roles. So I reckon, because when you, when you, when you're like in the first two years of marriage, really, and all of the years into it, it's like, this is amazing. She's amazing. I'm amazing. We're amazing. This is any, any kind of hiccups? They're like minor stuff that we get over that because everything else is going on for us. It's fantastic. But after two years, it's like, okay, the veil drops a little bit. You kind of get clear on other things and there it will go off the rails somewhere. You know, it might be an explosion. It might be a dent or a crack or a bend or something, but something will happen. So I would say, you know, I wish I'd, I wish I'd asked this question because I didn't, um, how will we fix it when things go wrong? How will we fight? You know, how will we fight in a way that will not, um, break us, but will kind of be a source of learning and growth and clearing and kind of resetting. Yeah. I think, I think my friend Jay Shetty talked about this in his recent book, um, where it was about, you know, the success of a relationship is in how well you fight and how, how successful you can fight together and not hurt each other too far beyond repair, which is the repair question. How will you fix it when things go wrong? And I think it's, you know, death by a thousand paper cuts. Like where you hurt someone little by little. It's just like, I just don't care anymore if you don't learn to repair it. I think that's key in intimate relationships, family relationships, friendships, career is like repairing these things. Uh, when you maybe feel like there was something that wasn't good. But I think the challenge is asking this repair question, how will you fix it when things go wrong? It might be easy to say, oh, when things go wrong, I'm going to be fine. I'm going to apologize. I'm going to do all these things. But then when that time comes two years later, you're like, screw you. You're horrible. And I'm not talking to you for a week. But here's the magic. You may not remember what you said. You probably won't, but that's not the magic of that question. The magic of that question is it says things will go wrong. It's an acknowledgement that this, the honeymoon moment is going to pass and that things will get hard and you get a chance to revisit it. So I think getting, getting people's best guesses about how they're going to fix it when they go wrong, that's helpful. And you know, if they can pull some of that off, then everybody, everybody benefits, but it does. What I think is the real hidden power of that question is it says it will go wrong and we're acknowledging that now. And when we say, how will we fix it when things go wrong, we're acknowledging a shared commitment to wanting to fix it. And when it does go wrong, it's something that you can say is going wrong. We can actually talk about it going wrong because it's been raised before. And I think it's that, that permission and shared commitment that actually can be part of the real magic of that question. Yeah. And maybe you can say like, it's not going wrong. We're just not in alignment or something is off or whatever might be happening. And I think this is one of the reasons why I really love, um, hearing stories about world-class athletes, Navy SEALs, uh, MMA fighters, right. Cause they talk about preparing for challenging situations and how am I going to get out of the challenging situation, you know, usually as an athlete, it's more of a solo sport or a team sport, but you know, the MMA fighter doesn't just train standing on his feet, punching when he's healthy. Right. And in the best position, he trains upside down, his neck against the cage with one arm behind his back, getting punched in the face over and over again. Solve this. How do I get out of this? Right. Exactly. It doesn't say I'll be fine. I'll never be in this situation. And it's like, same thing with Navy SEALs. They train for, okay, here's the mission and here's the best case scenarios. Like this is the plan, but what is the backup plan when everything goes wrong? Right. When this person gets hurt, when this doesn't work out, then what do we do? And I think when we prepare and acknowledge something's going to go wrong, we're not going to go a hundred percent according to plan in intimacy and career and relationships, what can I do and take ownership of to be responsible for my part and how can I get back into alignment? And I think that's a powerful thing with this question. The repair question. The, to your point, there's that quote, maybe from the SEALs. I know Jane's clear thinking with it as well, which is like, we don't rise to the occasion. We, we fall to the level of our training or the level of our systems. The level of our habits. So there's variations on it, but it's like you prepare for the, for the mess of it. Um, but for me, just the permission, like I didn't have this conversation with my wife and I kind of wish I had, because we didn't, we, we don't really have blow up fights. We have kind of separating moments where I'm like, I get into my own head. I take her for granted. We do that. I'm like, how do we fix that when that's happening? And that would have been a healthier conversation. We figured this out, but that would have been a healthier conversation earlier if we could have got to that. What question would you add? Like I've given one question, but what's the question that's at your heart in terms of setting up intimate relationships for success? Um, I'm just trying to think about all the things that I did with Martha, my, my girlfriend, which is essentially the opposite of everything I've ever done before. Um, the thing, and listen, I'm, we're two years in, so I'm not 30 year marriage. So I'm, I'm, you know, sharing that information because some people might say, well, wait till five years, wait till 10 years, all these things. But the thing that really made me say, oh, this is, this is my partner. Right. And I can really feel safe emotionally, spiritually, physically safe with this person is early on. I said, listen, um, I've made a lot of mistakes in my past relationships. Um, and none of my past relationships have worked, but in each one of them, I wanted to do therapy when they weren't working. Right. And the partners that I chose never wanted to do therapy with me. Right. They were resistant. They took a year and a half, two years of like it not working and me saying, Hey, can we do this and find support? Yeah. And they never wanted to do it. Um, and I said, listen, this isn't really an ultimatum, but I want to feel emotionally safe. Would you be open to going to therapy in the beginning of the relationship? Not when things have problems in the future, but can we go together now? Yeah. She was like a hundred percent. That'd be amazing. I'm, I'm down for whatever. She was like, I've always wanted to do that too. Yeah. I felt like, oh, okay. Just her acknowledging that. Yeah. And then us doing it has been a beautiful foundational process of a safe space to, to talk about maybe touchy or uncomfortable conversations to create boundaries, agreements, and commitments, which has not, you know, removed all friction or, or conflict, but has removed a lot of it and given us a lot more grace and flexibility of freedom to have courage to communicate when there's something that, ah, that didn't feel right. Let's talk about it. Yeah. And that was a beautiful thing. Just asking that question. So I don't know what that question is. It's not the therapy question, but it's more like, yeah. Hey, are you open to having outside support? Right. And having these conversations. Yeah. It's really powerful. And so for me, that was, that was a beautiful, beautiful, yeah. Beautiful conversation. Well, you know, the question that relates to in the book is the bad day question, the bad day, because what can we learn from frustrating past relationships? And it's like, and this isn't my words, not yours, Louis, but it's like when the relationship was hard, I didn't feel like I had the support I needed and I didn't feel the other person was as committed to repair or fixing it than I was. And that's what I really want in this. And, you know, there's a, there's a definition of, of, ah, like an adult to adult relationship. An adult to adult relationship is being able to ask for what you want, knowing that the answer might be no. You know, you don't get, always get what you want, but being able to ask for what you want is a really rare thing and a really powerful thing. And, you know, you know, it just feels like from your story, it's like, what I've learned is I've figured out what I want and I've got the courage to ask for what I want and that made all the difference. And the courage to walk away. You know, the steady question, what are your practices and preferences? You know, I was very clear with her in the beginning of us dating and really in the first couple of days of meeting each other, I said, this is who I am. Right. This is my vision. This is where I'm heading. This is what I will be doing. And this is what I will not be doing. And I will not be living this type of relationship or this type of life. If you want to put me into some stereotypical box of certain relationships, that's not me. That doesn't mean I'm going to be, you know, out of alignment with a monogamous relationship, but I'm a driven human being. You know, I run this business. I've got a vision that is going to take a certain amount of energy and effort. Right. And she asked me a question early on, which essentially is what are your preference, what are your preference questions? She said, what are your priorities? Yeah. And I had never had the courage before to be honest with my priorities. Now this may evolve over time and everything else, but I said, listen, no woman wants to hear what I'm going to tell you. Are you sure you want the answer? Right. Are you sure you want the truth? Right. It was kind of like my Tom Cruise moment. You can't handle the truth, right? I said, are you sure you want me to tell you the truth? And she said, yes. And I said, I don't think you're going to want to hang out with me after you hear this. Right. Because no one in the past was able to handle it, was able to receive it. Right. And so she said, yes. And I said, okay, well, it's been good knowing you, but here are my priorities. Good for you, a brave moment. And I was like, but I wasn't willing to abandon myself anymore, which is what I had always done. I'd abandon to make someone else feel okay or safe or secure or whatever, as opposed to just, this is who I am. It made them means we're not the right fit for each other. Right. We're not the right match for this type of relationship. Let me show you my cards and let's see how this goes. But I always lacked that emotional courage because I was afraid of hurting people. Right. And I said, my priorities, my number one priority is my health. And no woman wants to hear that they're not the number one priority in a relationship with an intimate partner. Really? They don't like that. Most of them at least. And I said, my number two priority is not you or the relationship either. And no one wants to hear they're not number one or number two, at least number two, right? Exactly. Let's give me a silver medal, man. Exactly, exactly. No, I said, my intimate relationship will be my third priority. Now let me give context because I need my health to be a top priority so that I have more energy, focus, and value to you and to my second priority. The kind of foundational thing that allows everything else to be built, relationships and business. And to my second priority, which is my vision, my mission to serve people. And if you hold me back from my health and I feel unhealthy, I'm not going to be good for you. If you hold me back from my purpose and you try to deter me from that, I'm going to be resentful, frustrated, like antsy. But if you are in alignment that these are my top two priorities, you're going to feel like the number one priority. Well, that's nice. And so it's creating that context and conversation, just setting the stage and just being like, you can never pull me away from these things unless there's some emergency or whatever, but it can't be this, I don't want you to go to the gym, I don't want you working on your mission, I don't want you, I need you here with me more, and I was like, I'm not that guy, maybe in 10 years that'll change and I will be, but right now I'm not. What was the work you did that allowed you now to ask for what you want and be as clear as that? I needed to heal a lot of my inner child wounds really, and have a different relationship with my younger psychological self that never got to hear or be validated the way that I needed to validate it and never got to heal or mend painful memories. So it wasn't until I was able to mend the memories of the past and create new meaning around them and create a sense of connection in an intimate relationship with my painful wounds of repair, that's when I was like, okay, I am safe, I am free, I am peaceful as I am, I don't need to please you to feel loved and accepted and free, and I was able to say, okay, I'm happy alone if this relationship doesn't work, but I'm never going to abandon myself again. So that was a big part of it, having that healing journey and doing the therapeutic work on that.