HOW WE MOVED ON FROM OUR PAST RELATIONSHIPS | Soul Ties: how to prevent them & how to break them!

What are you doing? The hover hand. The what? You heard of the hover hand? No. Okay, anyways, babe stop. What? Stop being so awkward. It's when your love language is physical touch, but you want to be alone. Anyways, welcome back to our channel. Welcome back to the channel. We're about to show y'all a video that we made for the Heart of Dating Conference on Soul Ties. Soul Ties. A lot of y'all have been asking about it, and we wanted to give it to you. So you have to be careful who you tie your soul to. What are they? How do you know you have one? And if you do, how do you break it? I think it's good. Let's go. It's like we practice this six times. Okay. Love y'all much? Well, hello everyone at Heart of Dating. I am Tori. This is my husband Chad. We are the masters, and we so wish we could be there in person. We actually only live about 45 minutes from where y'all are right now, but unfortunately we had a previous obligation, and so we couldn't, but this actually feels very normal for us because we are YouTubers, and what we're so passionate about is seeing people in healthy and thriving relationships and talking about topics that we don't feel like are talked about enough inside of the church or in Christian community, and so speaking of that, today we're gonna be talking about soul ties. Good old soul ties. So we're gonna be talking about what a soul tie is. We're gonna be talking about how to create boundaries to protect yourself from soul ties. Yeah. Then we're also gonna be talking about if you have them, how to break them. Yeah. But before that, you care if I pray in real quick? I'd love that. Lord, I just pray that you'll be with Tori and I today as we share with an audience about a topic that's confusing, a topic that's to the literal core of us, God, in our soul. Lord, I pray that you'll just open all of our hearts to what you want to share, Lord, and if there's anything that's not of you, Lord, I pray that it'll go in one ear and out the other, Lord. We want only things of you. In your son's name we pray. Amen. So, what is a soul tie? If we were to boil it all down, and first, let me preface, Tori and I are not doctors, we're not therapists, we're just people that love to learn and love to have healthy relationships and have conversations that help other people have healthy relationships. And so, to us, when you boil down a soul tie, it's a really, really, really, really strong emotional bond with someone. That comes from intimacy. So, the way I have explained intimacy in the past is intimacy is into me you see. And so, intimacy is so much more than just a physical connection. And yes, that's a portion, it's a portion of it, but there's so much more. There's spiritual, there's emotional, there's mental connection. And I've shared before on a YouTube channel that there's times I felt more intimate with my wife whenever I'm confessing ugly parts about me, and she receives me and forgives me than whenever we're being physical. And so, I just want to encourage you to have your heart and mind open that intimacy is so much greater than just the physical. And whenever we're talking about a soul tie, okay, where does it talk about that in the Bible? Well, I'll just pull up one quick verse. I got it right here. Luke 10 verse 27 says this, He answered, Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength, and all your mind. And I love that it mentions your soul because that is a piece of us. And we can't just neglect that when it comes to when we build connections with people. We can't ignore that this is a reality. So, when it comes to unpacking what a soul tie is and how to build up boundaries to protect yourself from those, we just want to start with letting you know that it is important to protect yourself from these things. But Tori and I are not here to instill fear in your hearts. We're not here to make you afraid of like, oh no, I'm gonna get a soul tie. We're here to help you have a healthy reverence and appreciation for the things that cause soul ties. Yeah. To make you help, to help you, to make you help. To help you make better decisions in relationships, to help protect your heart and protect the heart of the person that you're potentially dating. Yeah, and Chad and I have shared this on our channel. We have like an entire love story series, but inside of our story there was two different friend zones. Are we starting this this early? But here's the thing, the reason that the friend zones happened was number one, the first time I had an unhealthy soul tie with someone and so I was not ready to walk into a healthy relationship yet. And then the second time when I was ready, I recognized because I had been there that he still had a soul tie that he needed to break before we could be in a healthy relationship together. Just rip the band-aid off. We're talking to you from experience. This is not like, oh, they did everything right. No, we have not done everything right and because of that, because we went in a hard way, we want to help you guys not step on the same landmines that we did and so we can protect you or at least give you some encouragement. Whether that's, okay, I want to walk into a healthy relationship with better boundaries in place, with guarding my heart like the Bible says, so that I'm not fearful of that soul tie, but that I'm walking in the Lord's protection inside of that. And then also, okay, maybe you've done it a little bit more like Chad and I have and you recognize that you have a soul tie that needs breaking. Okay, now that I've recognized it, what do I do about it? And so, yeah. Something that helps me a lot when it comes to like spiritual things like a soul tie, something you can't actually see, is to try to create a picture of it. So I want you to imagine there's a heart right here and a heart right here. Okay, it's my heart and Tori's heart and we get into a relationship and there's an awkward turtle going on. No, seriously, so you take the two hearts, the two paper hearts and you put them over each other and whenever you start to have experiences and connections, like say you share your first kiss, put a staple inside, stapling those two pieces of paper together. Then you take a trip together, you put another staple. Then you meet each other's families, you put two staples. But then you decide, hey, this isn't really working out. I want to separate and go different ways. What happens when you rip those pieces of paper apart? There's a lot of holes left over. There's a lot of trauma and just because you can't see it because it's not a physical wound, there's a wound there and there's a connection there that needs to be talked about. It needs to be healed. It needs to be processed. But before we talk about the actual healing part, we should probably talk about just some healthy boundaries to protect yourself from those. I'll share a quick one. Whenever Tori and I were dating, after the second friend zone, I don't know why I keep talking about it. It's like roasting me alive. But hey, I want you to know that being friends is good. I know that on the dating scene, it's like, oh, okay, the friend zone, it's such a scary place to be in for a guy or for a girl. But I made it out and look at me. And I know that the strongest thing that helps Tori and I have a healthy relationship is our friendship. And so being friends first is actually a really big win when it comes to relationships. But I digress. Wait, wait, wait. Before we finish, it's so funny you mention that because the reason the second friend zone, like the clarity I have from the Lord was the quote love is a friendship set ablaze. And so I remember being like, okay Lord, if this is the person that you have for me, then I'm okay just being his friend right now and we can just develop that friendship. But don't awaken love until it's ready, friends. Yeah, and I think that because most of us desire relationships so deeply and I mean, I definitely do and I did. I idolized marriage for years to a point where my friends had to call me out. I'm like basically like, yo Chad, man, you got a problem. Like marriage is awesome, but you idolize it to a point where it's unhealthy. And any relationship you're in is gonna be unhealthy because you're desiring marriage above God. And so something that, an analogy that really helped me when someone shared this is that I tend to hold things like this. I'm just, I'm holding on so tightly because I'm afraid if I let it go, I'll never have it. It'll drop away from me. But someone simply said if you turn your hand over and you open your hand, something can exist with you, but you're not controlling it and forcing it to be a part of your life. And so when it comes to a first boundary to protecting yourself from soul ties is to love the Lord your God with all of your heart, all your soul, all your strength, and all of your mind. And that means that he sits on the throne of your heart. He completes you, not someone else. And so that helps me walk forward in a healthy relationship because I'm not willing to accept treatment by someone that otherwise would not be healthy. And so a lot of the way Tor and I encourage our friends in is that if your friend were in the same relationship, how would you encourage them? What would you tell them? Are they being treated in a way that you encourage them to stay in that relationship? Or are they be treated in a way where you're telling them to get out? Yeah, that's good. And another thing that I feel like so many people ask and I feel like is the big question is, well, where do I draw the line? Where is the line? Like how far can I push it and still be saved? And friends, it's the wrong question. It just is. The question should be how far away from the line can I run in order to honor the Lord and glorify him inside of this relationship? Because just like Chad said, physicality, like that's intimacy no matter if it's sex or not. And so we need to remember that you can have a soul tie with someone that you have not had sex with. I had a soul tie with someone that I had not had sex with and I had to get that broken by the Lord. And so making sure that you're setting physical boundaries, like y'all, let's just be honest. The thing that our mamas told us about nothing good happened after midnight, when you're watching Netflix in a dark room with the person that you're attracted to, it's true. Like nothing good is going to happen from that. And so making sure, like set a curfew, set things in place. Like the thing that I would have rather done is set boundaries very strict versus setting them way on this line where it's like, oopsies, now we've done something that we really regret versus uh-oh, we just stayed out a little bit too late. And so making sure that those boundaries are in place for protection. It's just like if you were a mom and you're putting your kid inside of a car seat, well, maybe that kid doesn't like the car seat because it's like, I'm not comfortable and I want to move around. I want to feel free and it feels so much better when I'm not in this car seat. But you as a mom or you as a dad, you're going to look at that kid and be like, no, actually I'm doing this for your protection. I know it might not be as comfortable or as free and it might not feel as good because we know we love our feelings. It's for your protection. Yeah. And so, yeah. Yeah, it's funny you used like a baby a child analogy. Yeah. Because whenever Tori and I talk about healthy relationships, I like to talk about with people is that in our relationship, there's like three, there's three beans. There's me, then there's Tori, and then there's us. There's us together. And whenever we first got together, there were things that maturity-wise and relationship-wise that I could handle and that she could handle, but our relationship couldn't handle it. For example, we were long distance for seven, eight months. Shout out to our long distance people. You're the real ones. But there was things where I could handle being away from Tori for an extended amount of time. Tori could handle being away from me for an extended amount of time, but our relationship couldn't handle that. It was a baby and it needed to be cared for that way. And so a lot of the things that we're going to be encouraging you in is to help you have a healthy view of what is actually being experienced in that relationship at this certain time. And so a lot of people, they jump in way too fast and you start opening doors that should not be open. You're like, whoa. But their feelings are propelling them into that situation. But no, that's not a good move. Tori and I just really want you to have that healthy reverence of like true love. And a lot of the way that I explain it to my friends is that imagine you're in this cabin in the wilderness and it's freezing cold and then there's a knock on the door. Then you open up the door and you see that there's like a fire starting kit right there. And this is what you need because you're freezing and you just want to feel warm. You just want to feel okay. So you take that fire starting kit with the instructions. You toss the instructions out and you take it straight to your bedroom and you light a fire. Well, what's going to happen when you do that? You're going to burn your house down. What would happen if you read the instructions and the instructions said, hey, light this fire in a safe place, like the fireplace, okay? Well, guess what? It's going to take longer for that fire and warmth to permeate through the house and warm everything, but it's not going to burn the house down. And so, well, on one hand, something can cause destruction. On the other hand, it can cause complete warmth for your whole house. And so there's a good relationship to have with it when you put it in its necessary place. And so as you're walking forward in intimacy with someone you're dating or spouse, it's important to do so at the appropriate time. And Tori and I, one of the best things that we experienced in our relationship is that because we weren't playing with all that stuff and we were long distance, we got to have so many deep conversations with each other that honestly expedited our relationship. We got to have conversations that basically were just like, hey, like what's your timeline? And she said, I'm not trying to wait around. And I received that because we started having conversations about like, what do you want your involvement in church to be like? Do you want children? And we started having these conversations where we start to say, oh, wow, is this someone I want to be with forever? And we sealed the deal pretty quick. And so we don't feel like we missed out on all that intimacy early on because we had healthy conversations in that period where a lot of people are tempted to, you know, be intimate. We were building better. Style of intimacy than physical intimacy. I feel like so many people look at boundaries as bondage. Like it's something that they, it's keeping them from fun. It's keeping them from something, but boundaries are for protection, you guys. Something that I've said to girlfriends in conversations a lot is, okay, well if you stop having sex with him, is he going to stay with you? And if the answer is no, then your bondage is actually to your sexuality. Your bondage is actually to the sin. Like you are now bound to the sin. But when you walk in that freedom of, okay, I've set healthy appropriate boundaries. Like I knew when Chad and I were dating that we weren't having sex and he was sticking around. And so it just like gave me that confidence and that knowledge of walking into marriage with someone where I knew that he would stick around if something really bad were to happen later. And I think it's really important while you're dating to have those healthy boundaries and to make sure number one, that you are in constant prayer. I remember when Don Cherie and Rich Wilkerson said, your spouse is either your greatest asset or your biggest liability. Like it should be a smart decision, you guys. Who you bind yourself to, who you come in under covenant with God with, should be a smart decision to be someone that you feel like it's marriage is more about being holy than being happy. And so you want to make sure that you're with someone who has the fruits of the spirit. Something we've been talking about recently on our YouTube channel and on our podcast is when you're dating, I feel like a lot of people look for the gifts of the spirit, like the big things, like who's on the platform and who has, you know, all of these things, which is awesome. The gifts of the spirit are amazing, but they are given and the fruits of the spirit are developed because you've been in the presence of the Lord. And so when you are dating, when you're having these hard conversations, look for the fruits of the spirit. Is this person patient? Are they kind? Are they long-suffering? Is this person going to go through trials and hardships and pray with you and encourage you unto the Lord? Because number one, I think that is the most important kind of intimacy that you're going to have. And just like we were saying, it's that friendship that is, you know, set ablaze. Yeah, absolutely. Something that helps you make boundaries in your relationships is that what am I saying with my actions? I'll just give you a quick example of that and then I encourage you to think about it within your own life and how someone is treating you and what they're saying about you and how they feel about you and their actions. I'll give you a quick example. Before Tori and I were officially boyfriend and girlfriend, I wouldn't kiss her. And what that was telling her is that whenever we are long distance and dating, she can trust me to know that I am willing to withhold something I desire to do with someone that I'm growing in affection towards. I'm willing to say no to this because I would rather her feel more comfortable knowing that I have boundaries and I have discipline to say no to things. And so think about what your actions are saying and not just what people's words are saying because you can say a lot to someone with the way you treat them. And it's a nice feeling to do that for someone when you feel like you're honoring them and you're setting up those healthy boundaries. But I think before we wrap up, we should talk about, okay, if you do have soul ties, which we probably all do to a certain extent, if you do have that what a lot of people call baggage, what do you do with it? How do you unpack it? Yeah, I feel like for me, I remember specifically a moment where I was in church. There was like a revival night. We were in worship and I was praying and I was so tired of feeling like I couldn't walk into a new healthy relationship because I still felt this soul tie with someone that we hadn't even been together for months at the time. And I remember that I needed to just release it. And I remember praying this prayer like, Lord, I need you to break this off. Like this is a soul tie is something spiritual. And how do we fight spiritual battles, y'all? We pray. We fight it in the spirit. And so I just say, Lord, I give this person back to you. I know that you love this person more than I ever did. And whatever hurt, whatever pain, I don't want to be attached to that anymore. So number one, I forgive them because I feel like a lot of times past relationships, we harbor like resentment or unforgiveness and what we don't see is that that's still like tying us to that person. And so we have to forgive just like we have been forgiven and give that person back to the Lord. And I remember the Lord like giving me a vision of like that soul tie ripping apart and I felt a freedom and a peace after that and and I was like, I just remember I started rejoicing because I it like washed over me. Like I felt like a new person. And so I feel like that was why when we started talking again before the second friend zone, I remember noticing I was like, all right, this man needs needs a soul tie broken before we can. I definitely did. So how did how did you handle it? Well, I handled it a few different ways. Prayer is absolutely one of the best ways and where you run with your baggage is really important. But I guess just on a more practical level, this is again one of the scenes you can't really see. And so I like to put a picture to it where if you were to eat cake every day of your life, you're going to see it on your body. Like let's be here. We need to be clear. You're going to see it. Okay. Well, if you make unhealthy relationship decisions every day of your life, you're going to see it in the way you treat people and the way you feel about yourself and the way you allow people to treat you. And so it's important to know what am I doing and what impact is it having on my walk? And so imagine this, imagine that you're this person and you have a suitcase and you're just traveling the earth looking for someone to travel with, right? You find someone that you potentially want to date and then you guys, you know, you have your first kiss, you know, I'm using that same kind of analogy, but you put a hat in your suitcase and then you go snorkeling together. So you put in a wet suit in your suitcase, but then you break up and you go other places, you meet someone else along the way and you have a romantic dinner and you put in a nice jacket in your suitcase and then you're building more and more experiences and more people and your suitcase slowly gets filled up to the point where you can't close it anymore. Well, now you have to unpack some of that stuff because now there's baggage, now there's stuff that's weighing you down. And so how you unpack that baggage is really important. And one of the biggest ways we encourage you to do that is with counseling. Do not sleep on counseling. I don't know how many syllables that was. We can't put enough syllables on counseling. Counseling is a sign of wisdom, not weakness. Yeah, and it's a place for you to have a healthy soundboard with your feelings and with your thoughts. And I know for me personally, it helped me to not spiral on these negative talk tracks that I have about myself, but it helped me find a healthy way that whenever I was unpacking my baggage and I'm pulling that thing out that with the wrong hands or in the wrong room, that person would say, I don't like that. I don't like that you have that to deal with. It helped me unpack things and understand what I was actually experiencing is having an impact on me and what I should do with that moving forward. And so whether it's a counselor, a pastor, a mentor, an accountability partner, do not sleep on that. These are things that are unseen, but they have great impact on our lives. And so when it comes to healing from soul ties, one of the first things you have to know is that you're going to probably get them and whenever you pull them apart, it's likely going to cause trauma. And so being humble enough and being meek enough to say, wow, I really love that person and this hurts that we're not together. I need to make sure I'm processing and healing in a healthy way. Because if you think for one second that you can just sweep that relationship underneath the rug, well, guess what? One day you're going to come walking and you're going to trip on that rug and it's going to hurt. And so let's not sweep things underneath the rug. Let's figure out how we can appropriately and in a healthy way unpack the emotional and physical connections we've had with people to set ourselves up to have a healthy relationship in the future and then putting those correct boundaries to keep us from building more inappropriate connections. Yeah, I love that y'all. I think that's all the time that we have. We hope that this encouraged you. Do you want to put us on out, babe? I can, yeah. Oh Lord, thank you for this sweet time with everyone, Lord. Thank you for being with us, Lord. Thank you for sitting with us during a conversation where we're talking about things that we don't fully even understand, Lord, but we know that they are there, God. We want to surrender everything to you, God. That's including we want to love you with our soul, Lord. So Lord, I pray that there's anyone struggling with soul ties right now, Lord. I just pray that you'll help them break it in this moment, Lord. I pray that you help them recover, even if it takes a long time, recover slowly and appropriately from the trauma that comes from breaking of soul ties, Lord. I pray that you help us walk forward in healthy relationships in ways that will honor you always, God. I pray that you'll sit on the throne of our heart. That way if anyone's idling marriage and relationships more than they idol you, God, or they have you on the throne of their heart, that they'll stop that, Lord. And they'll be fully content with you and you alone, Lord. And just thank you for this opportunity just to do life together. All the people under you, just trying to get to know you better, God. So help us to feel content with you, Lord. And just let me pray. Amen. Amen. Amen. Well, we so enjoyed this time. Like I said, we hope that this encouraged you and maybe we'll see you over on YouTube. Bye, guys. Bye.