A Therapist's Guide to Finding SELF-COMPASSION (Top Tips!)

I'm Dr. Keisha Keith and I help you grow through the dry places. My over 20 years of experience in the mental health field has allowed me to see so many women and so many individuals who are dealing with the dry places in life. And with that I mean they are feeling frustrated, they are feeling stressed, they are feeling sometimes hopeless, they are feeling like everybody's needs are being met except for their own. And I am here to help you grow through the dry places. I'm here to help you grow through what you go through so that you can shift this so that you can be a part of your priorities list as opposed to being on the back burner or not on the list at all. Let's get into it. Self-compassion. Are you showing yourself the care and concern that you show to others on a daily basis? That is our topic today. And if you are in a space where you are feeling very very frustrated, very very tired, you know that you need to make change but you don't really know how to make change. Today I encourage you to seek out a counselor or seek out someone who is going to be able to lead you and journey with you along your path as you try to figure out what it is that you need to do next. What it is that is preventing you from living the life that you want, that you know you need, that you know you deserve, but whatever those stumbling blocks or roadblocks are that are preventing you from doing so, you may need someone else with expertise to be able to guide you because a lot of times we will have our friends and we will talk to our friends and we'll tell them so many different things about life but those people are not specifically educated, specifically trained to be able to handle certain situations or even sometimes understand how to put certain things together in terms of being able to support you and identify the things that are creating these roadblocks for you because sometimes that professional experience gives them the ability to be able to say, oh okay well when you said that you were feeling frustrated and then you said that you started to fuss at your daughter, that was a direct relationship to you being frustrated and that frustration being projected onto your child. When it comes to self compassion, there are a lot of times when we take ourselves for granted. We do not allow ourselves to think about ourselves in terms of being an important factor in our daily life, being an important factor in how we are serving others, what we are doing because we are a lot of times in a space of feeling frustrated and overwhelmed with trying to help everybody else, trying to be for everyone else. We cannot be always for ourselves. For example, we may want someone to care for us, we may want someone to love us, we may want someone to take the time just to ask us how we're doing and just to listen to us but we may not necessarily get that particular person or persons who are able to do that and so we start to give others what we want to see in the world. We start to be the person that we need others and want others to be for us. So we give that to each other, we give that to other people but we do not allow ourselves to pour that back into ourselves to just stop and say, hey you are important, hey you matter, hey you are glowing today, hey I like the way this shirt looks on you, it's beautiful. You are not stopping to compliment yourself and therefore you are allowing yourself to give those compliments to other people but you are not seeing the beauty in who you are, the beauty in where you are. That self-compassion piece is very very difficult because a lot of times we go through life and we are told to always it's important to be for others, it's important to be kind to others, it's important to all these things have to do with others, have to do with the things outside of us and those very things unfortunately are the things that are not even in our control on a daily basis because it becomes very very difficult for us to see just exactly how we can do those things and flip it on ourselves and just be able to pour into us and love us. We just are like, well I'm putting these clothes on, I'm looking great. If I'm putting on this makeup, I'm looking great. If I'm doing this or I got my hair done or I did this thing, then all of that looks wonderful but the reality is you are put together on the outside. What does your inside look like? If we open that up and there really was a meter and a gauge of self-fulfillment and that self-compassion and we can really see where that was, would that really be on high? Would that be on full or would that be on empty? And remember what we said, empty is E and E is not enough. It does not mean enough, does not mean that you have enough self-compassion, does not mean that there's been enough poured into you. It means you're depleted. So are you in a space where you are allowing yourself to really be who you need to be to really show up? Well let's figure out why. What are your stumbling blocks that are preventing you from doing what you need to do and pour into yourself? Is it guilt? Is it guilt of feeling like there are so many things I need to be doing or I need to be giving or I may not feel like I'm spending enough time with my children. I may not feel like I'm spending enough time with my spouse. I may not feel like I'm spending enough time with my friends. So many people that you feel like you are pulled in so many directions with because you want to be able to be present but there are only 24 hours in a day so realistically are you really going to be able to do those things within that 24 hour period? And don't forget you have to get some rest so that means that there are sweep hours in those 24. So what is it that you realistically can do? How are you showing up? How are you allowing yourself to do what is necessary so that you can feel refreshed? So that you can feel that love that compassion. All of those things because in reality only you can do those things that will shift how you feel on the inside that will shift the empty the I'm tired I'm wiped out feeling that you have. Only you can shift that. Only you can do the things to change that. So what will those things look like? Sometimes that will look like saying no. No N O. No is a word that you can use and it gives you the ability to shut some things down. It gives you a boundary. Gives you a line that you have drawn in the sand to say I am no longer doing this or I am not doing this today. I don't have the bandwidth. I don't have the capacity. Saying no can change your life but saying no also can bring some guilt. So have you felt guilty about having to say no to things when you realize that hey I might really be missing out on some stuff too. If I am saying no to other people and if I am doing things that are not going to be what I feel like is beneficial and giving to others. What is not going to be able to pour into everybody else or I'm not gonna see what happened or how much fun they had. I'm not gonna be able to experience that. All of those things come to mind 100 percent but that feeds the guilty part. That feeds the okay well maybe I can do it or maybe I'll try. No. The answer is if you have to juggle your your verbiage and your response by saying okay maybe or I'll try or we'll see or just it's a no because that means that there is something that you also realize that you need to be doing or that you could be doing that would allow you to just get some rest or get things done that are really higher on your priority list at that point. Not to say that if you're invited to go somewhere that it is not a good thing and that you don't value that particular person or what's going on but it is to say I need to take a break. I've got to take a pause for the cause and that causes me today and it's okay for you to take time for yourself. It's okay for you to rest but that no it'll be your best friend if you let it and while you're going through the things of feeling the guilt you really can take time to write that out or just talk that out loud with yourself. Why is it that I'm feeling guilty because I just said no? What is it that I feel like I'm missing out on because I told them no? Or what is it I feel that it is saying about me because I told them no? Is it putting me in a different light or different perspective with people because I said no? Because the optics don't look right. We want the optics to look great. That's why we get dressed up and we do all these things because we want the optics to look right but in reality is the inside working right? Does it look right? Are your thought processes, your thinking patterns, are they fresh? Are these really new? Are those thoughts uplifting and life-giving or are those thoughts very difficult? Are those thoughts things that are preventing you from feeling really really filled, really really fulfilled in your life? Are those or are those things more so okay well dang I'm frustrated or the last time I went I didn't really have a good time and I really didn't want to be there but everybody else was there. Are you feeling like you're you're just having to do because somebody else is doing it and just because somebody else is doing it doesn't make it right for you? Doesn't mean anything bad about you. It just means that at this moment that is not something that works for me and it's okay if it doesn't work for you. So use your no. Make it a part of your vocabulary. You could probably say it to your children or you could probably say it for for things that you absolutely know okay that's that's just all period point blank but it is very difficult when you care about people or when you want to be in a space or you want to show up for people but you realize that it is too much and I am not able to do it today. Doesn't mean you won't be able to tomorrow next week something like that but it does mean that today this is where I am. This is the boundary I need to set up. So use your no. How else can you do this? You can also allow yourself to go and find things that you enjoy. What are those things that you enjoy? Do you enjoy going to take a walk? Do you enjoy going to just kind of sit and look out the window? Do you enjoy just kind of going to sit in the parking lot in the car and people watching? Sometimes people get a kick out of seeing just how people interact and how they are just moving about in the world and and they don't even realize that you are paying attention but sometimes it can just be be a little comical it can be a little funny sometimes to just have that moment of where you are not having to focus your brain power solely on the things that you need to do or work or or anything home or whatever you are able to do what is necessary just in that moment just to just kind of pause and and have a little fun have a little laugh do those things find those things because they are going to make a difference too. Are you drinking your water? Because drinking water and staying hydrated is also a part of the name of the game that is you still pouring literally pouring into yourself you are giving yourself refreshment you are giving yourself that ability for your body to be flushed because you are drinking your water. Are you taking your vitamins? Are you allowing yourself to really really get in a rhythm and in your groove because that will make a difference too getting yourself in a rhythm because that rhythm creates flow that rhythm creates a routine and that routine is what you can figure out are these things doable or are they not do they really fit in the rest of this 24 hours that I have or this tight window here that I have are you using your calendar to really schedule I really see what your schedule looks like on a daily basis because you get an understanding of the pattern and the way that you now can go about saying okay well I don't like doing this anymore so I'm going to scratch that or this didn't work for me I'm tired of doing this scratch that or they're not going here because I'm tired of being miserable and if that's the case then okay we're going to scratch that these things and these areas will clear up time and space for you to give yourself that care and compassion give yourself those things that you need pour into you because you get to navigate you get to pen and you get to write the story of your life you also get to scratch a line through some of that stuff that does not make sense for you that does not work for you but it is you being intentional taking time to do that on purpose because nothing will happen by happenstance nothing will happen by I'll try nothing will happen by okay maybe I'll start Monday or maybe I'll do if you don't give yourself a hard deadline and you don't move if you don't put that thing in writing make that agreement with yourself that these are the things that I am agreeing to do to allow myself to have that self-compassion that self-love that I so desperately need because I don't want to be on ease I want to be filled but I want to be filled from inside out not just looking good on the outside but my insides are tearing me up and I'm just still torn apart but both having that inside project on that outside which makes you look even more beautiful and fabulous than you already are but just know it is important to give compassion to yourself to love yourself love on yourself be who you need to be over the summer a couple weeks ago we did retreat that is what that is all about that is about rediscovering yourself rediscovering who you are enjoying just the wind down of going at your pace and doing exactly what you need so that you recharge refresh refuel and refocus because when you are in a space where you don't have to listen to you or hear somebody say mama can you please or honey can you please or hey sis how about you do this for me or can you do this or do you mind all those things you are taking a pause for a cause and that cause becomes yourself and you are allowing yourself to just create a rhythm create a process really think about what it is that you need to really rid yourself of that you need to really drop what bags do you need to drop off because you are carrying too many and as Erykah Badu song says you are all those bags like that so guess what she also said she guesses nobody ever told you that all you must hold on to is you so hold on to you and the way to do that is to show that self-compassion that self-love that you have the ability to give but you have to release some of this other stuff because your hands have to be open in order for you to receive those things in order for you to give those things to yourself and be intentional about where you are i hope that this has been something that you say hey i really do need to check myself i really do need to be more compassionate to myself and if by chance you find that this is helpful for you pass this on to somebody else like share subscribe i want you to be able to make sure that this message is not just because some other people around you need this message too because i'm guaranteeing you they're going through some situations where they feel like they have to just give give give and they are about to hurt their back dragging all those bags all those heavyweights they need to be able to let go so have a most amazing day and we will talk again soon have a good one and watch this next video