5 Signs It's NOT Real Love, It's "Pseudomutuality"

almost everyone has a phase where they feel as though they are stuck with the most oppressive apathetic and ignorant parents in the whole world every household has its ups and downs no family is perfect all the time except some families really do seem like they're perfect from the outside that might not be reality the most loving understanding and caring parents might not be what they seem this is because of pseudo mutuality because upholding a parent es is so important to a pseud mutual family it can be difficult to tell if it's real love or pseudomutuality these are the signs that can help you Spot the Difference what is pseudo mutuality the first challenge is having a good understanding of what pseudomutuality is the official definition is a family relationship that has a superficial appearance of mutual openness and understanding although in fact the relationship is rigid and depers izing so in other words everything's a facade it's like a prison disguised as a preschool perfectly sweet loving close and wholesome on the outside but on the inside there are strict rules and everyone is assigned an identity this typically happens when one or both of the parents are narcissists have narcissistic traits or have a narcissistic personality disorder the narcissistic parent is like a prison Warden who decides what you will do how you will do it and even who who you are and who you will be in a pseudo mutual family rather than getting to know and understand their children parents will try to control who their children are rigid rules pseud Mutual families have extremely rigid rules if the parents say you are a swimmer you are a swimmer if you decide you don't like swimming the whole facade of caring and understanding falls apart the rules of the household are designed to keep you from breaking that identity and therefore destroying the facade from the outside it looks like your parents are supporting your hobby making sure you get to practice on time cheering you on at the Gallas and ensuring you always have every opportunity to succeed in reality it can feel like your parents are breathing down your neck and controlling your every move your reward for playing along is that the family gets along they aren't supporting you they are supporting the identity they have chosen for you in the family's image you are depersonalized because of all the ways your parents have structured your life it can feel like you haven't pursued anything of your own your successes are all credited to your parents you may feel like you live to serve your parents and like you're trapped pursuing your own dreams and passions may sound strange or far-fetched because it goes against what your parents want or because your dreams are decided on by your parents this depersonalization along with the stress of playing along with the whims of your parents can cause mental health issues like low self self-esteem depression and anxiety strings attached when your parents only show love when you do what they want it feels like their affection comes with strings attached it's like they're insinuating that I'll love you for as long as you do what I say this can be really emotionally taxing because it feels like your value as a person depends on whether you meet their expectations this doesn't just apply to family Dynamics but knowing this is important because if you're not aware of this dynamic in your upbringing you might unconsciously attract Partners or friends who do the same for example in romantic relationships you might find yourself drawn to individuals who replicate the Dynamics you experienced with your parents and when your conditioned to think that your worth is tied to the approval and expectations of others you may constantly feel pressured to conform to their expectations even to the detriment of your own well-being to maintain their affection and acceptance so how else have your adult relationships been influenced by this this leads us to our next Point adult relationships mirror your family Dynamic when you're raised in a pseud mutual household your other relationships even as adults can be affected as well you might find that you treat others like your parents or you attract people into your life who treat you the same way your parents did for example you might try to accommodate them as much as possible and do everything they ask you might also feel wor responsible for others in romantic relationships and friendships you take a very passive role you may also lack boundaries emotionally you may have trouble acknowledging your feelings and expressing your needs in your adult life you may find that your childhood in a pseud mutual household without real love was traumatic and so you seek therapy and therapy along with cutting contact with parents were found to be cathartic changes for people raised in pseud mutual households this is not normal for family relationships based on real love real parental love comes from authentic understanding and nurturing pseudomutuality is so effective because it's disguised as real love at first glance it seems to fulfill all of the same things but on closer inspection it fulfills nothing instead opening you to depersonalization depression and anxiety parents who raise children like this don't do it intentionally they do it because they have narcissistic traits that influence their parenting style that isn't to say it's unavoidable parents have the responsibility to guide their children to become fulfilled independent adults pseudomutuality by definition can't achieve that if you are a parent and you worry that this sounds like you seek guidance and find resources that will help you lead your family more effectively out of love rather than fear if you were ra raised with pseudo mutuality how have you dealt with it let us know in the comments below if you found this video informative or helpful leave a like And subscribe to P too for more videos like this thanks for watching