8 Tips for an AWESOME Trip to Tokyo

Tokyo. I'd almost forgotten how epic it is. A kaleidoscope of neon lights and millions of moving feet, one has to be impressed by the sheer scope of this place. It's rich with tradition, it's one of the most iconic places in Asia, and my favorite city on the planet. I could wax poetic about this magical place for hours, but this is YouTube, and I know you f***ers only have a two minute attention span, so let's do this thing. My first tip when visiting Tokyo, how to get around. This is a big city, and finding your way around can be a bit tricky at first. To start, getting to the city from the airport is as easy as Ichi-Ni-San. Just head to the Narita Express train, buy a one-way or round-trip ticket to the city, and away you go. Also, the tourism desks at the airport can find some of the cheapest deals on hotels that won't necessarily be on the internet. The hotels they book you aren't fancy, but they're nice, they're clean, and they come in at under $100 a night. Plus, they all come with a free kimono for your late-night modeling sessions. You guys do that too, right? Nope. Moving along. Wow, this subway map is sure confusing, and why can't I read any of these words? Well, the reason you can't read the writing is because it's written in something called Japanese, and it's the main language of the people here in Japan. You can buy a metro pass, or you can just buy your tickets as you need them based on where you're headed. Just look on the map to find the destination you want to go, check the cost in yen, select the amount, add your money, grab a ticket and your change, and then follow the signs to where you need to go. If you get confused, ask these guys. Also, some important key phrases for you to learn before going to Japan. Konnichiwa. Hello. Arigatou gozaimasu. Thank you. Gomennasai. Sorry. Ohayou. Good morning. Kashi da! Fire! And most importantly, Watashi wa katanai chisana anaguma desu. Which of course means, I'm a dirty little badger. Tip number two. My first stop on any trip to Tokyo is Shinjuku. Now there are so many amazing neighborhoods in this city. If shopping is your thing, head to Fancy Ass Ginza. If you're single and looking to mingle, head to Roppongi. Also there are spectacular views from the top of Mori Tower. Shibuya is just an all around awesome neighborhood famous for its busy intersection, and Harajuku is a fun bubblegum playground. But Shinjuku is hands down my favorite. Vibrant, busy, quaint, old, new. When I visit Tokyo, this is where I spend my days. Make sure to hit up Golden Guy. One of the coolest little antiquated pockets in Tokyo. Walking the alleys of Golden Guy makes you feel as if you've stepped back into the 1950s. And at night time, it turns into one of the best areas to grab a drink and mingle with the locals. Tip number three. Tokyo is the greatest food city on the planet. Put it all in your mouth. First up, get involved with a perfect bowl of ramen. Ichiran in Shinjuku is salty, umami, noodley. It's sex in a bowl. The dining experience is also completely unique. You sit at a bar separated by stalls put there so that nothing distracts you from the soup in front of you. Hello? Also, if in your excitement you completely s**t all over yourself, don't worry, they got you covered. Another amazing ramen place is for the slightly more adventurous eater, but come on, you're in Tokyo. Be bold, be adventurous, and get down with some weird delicious s**t. The ramen is called Noboshi. It gets its distinct slightly bitter and fishy flavor from the incorporation of dried sardines in the broth. It is pungent. It is strong. It is magically delicious. My favorite place to get Noboshi is called Nagi in My Beloved Golden Guy. And speaking of weird delicious s**t, head to Piss Alley in Shinjuku and get some truly epic yakitori. Try that delicious beef heart or some slightly more out there options. What is this again? What am I about to eat? Motsu. I'm going to eat some cow bowels. Straight up. Mmm. Bowly. It's really good actually. It's awesome. Tip number four, continuing the food theme, have a Michelin star dining experience. Tokyo has more Michelin star restaurants than any other city in the world, but for those of you without a trust fund, there's a great option. At lunchtime, Sushi Iwa serves an incredible meal that starts at only about 50 bucks. Not cheap, but certainly a lot cheaper than a $300 pre-fee like most places of its ilk. The sushi was divine. The service was impeccable. It was one of the best meals I've had in recent memory. It fills up fast, so if you can, book your reservations in advance. Tip number five, explore some of Tokyo's awesomely weird themed bars and restaurants. First up, the Robot Restaurant. Now this is just hands down one of the coolest, craziest, most awesome things I have ever done. You must experience this when you're in Tokyo. Trust me, it is f***ing rad. Totally worth it. Next up, the Cat Cafe. It is exactly what it sounds like. Phyllis. Where are you, woman? Phyllis. God damn it. Woman, has anyone seen my wife? Steve, she died like four years ago. Oh right. Drat. I'm horny. Oh, what a lovely day for a bath. Peace and quiet. Jonathan, will you keep that racket down? God, I can't get a moment of peace in this bloody house. I swear. Are you filming me? Hello, ladies. Fancy a poke? Oh. You're a man. Terribly sorry. I'm so bloody stoned, mate. Has anyone ever wondered why we're all English? No, it never occurred to me. Damn it, Haruto. Did we ask your opinion? Sorry. Why is this guy touching me? I don't like it. I'm gonna go away now. Tip number six. Hit up the truly awe-inspiring Tsukiji Fish Market, which is in many ways the beating heart of Tokyo. If you're up to it, get there at the ass crack of dawn to watch the live tuna auction. They limit the amount of visitors, so I do mean the hairy crack of dawn. All right, so I'm up at an ungodly hour to go see some people sell some tuna. I got there at 3.15 in the morning, and there were already about 20 people waiting. It's a pretty fascinating experience, and it's something you won't see anywhere else in the world. No clue what just happened, but I think it was awesome. After the auction, wait in line for some truly great breakfast sushi at Sushi Dai or Sushi Daiwa. Now, the main fish market doesn't open until the general public until 9 a.m., but once it opens, it is a flippin' amazing labyrinth of incredibly fresh stuff. I cannot recommend this place enough. Tip number seven. Take a day trip to the historic town of Kamakura. An easy hour commute from Shinjuku Station lies Kamakura, a little village by the sea that was the former seat of power for the shogunate during the 13th century. Now, surrounding the ancient temples is a stupidly charming little city. Explore its relics, shop in its funky kitschy shops, check out its gardens, its bamboo forests, see the truly incredible giant bronze Buddha, and definitely visit the Kenchoji Temple Complex. Make a hike to the top for some breathtaking views. Some of these temples can be a grunt to get to. It's so damn hot. All of the crevice is super moist. After a day of temple hopping, grab your bikini and head on down to the nearby beach to join the party. In the summer months, bars spring up all over the beach, giving you the perfect opportunity to get lit with the locals and make some bad decisions. All in all, Kamakura is a magical place filled with natural beauty and history. It is your duty to frolic in its wonders. Tip number eight. What has quite possibly become my personal travel agenda for the world, just get lost. This is a city full of amazing things to see and do. It really doesn't matter what you do, this city will blow your mind at every turn. Also, for me, travel is all about the people you meet along the way, and the Japanese people are some of the most loving, kind, hardworking, weird, energetic, fun, crazy, and wonderful people you will meet anywhere in the world. Get to know them.