10 Tips for an AWESOME trip to London

Welcome to Joliot, London Town. City of kings and queens. City of Austin Powers. City of Harry Potter. Its history is rich. Its culture varied. Its beer is strangely warm. It's in Europe. Kind of. It is, without question, one of the greatest cities on the planet. Come with me, and I'll show you how to visit this town like a motherf***ing wizard. My first tip when traveling to London, visit the Borough Market. It's amazing. The stuff they have there pretty much trumps any market I've been to in the States, and I have been to at least two markets in America, so you know I know what I'm talking about. While you're there, eat the grilled cheese they do. It's probably the best thing I ate in the city. I'm going to put this whole thing inside me. Stuff it in your face place, and thank me later. Tip number two, skip the London Eye. If you want a great view of London that doesn't come with a Disneyland sized line, climb to the top of St. Paul's Cathedral. You'll get amazing 360 degree views from one of the largest and most iconic churches in the world. Just be prepared for a lot of friggin' stairs. Another amazing view that was recommended to me by some locals is the hike to the top of Primrose Hill at night. And they specifically told me not to turn around until I got to the top. Approaching the top, time to turn around and see what this looks like. Holy s**t. Not bad, London. Tip number three, do the Tower of London. Yes, it's one of the most touristy things to do in the city, and it's a bit pricey, but it's something you kind of have to see. The history is incredible, plus I just feel special any time I get to go inside a castle. Definitely join a free beefeater tour. You'll learn a lot, and those guys are hilarious. Ladies, if you do happen to trip, I would catch you with these very large hands. Hold you too close for too long. Gentlemen, it hurts when you hit the floor. Also, if you don't want to wait in line to buy your tickets, you can buy them online if you know what day you're going. Or if you're like me and you never plan ahead, you can get them at the gift shop right outside the Tower Hill Tube Stop for the same exact price. Tip number four, take the tube everywhere. And be impressed by what is probably the greatest public transportation of any city in the world. Just buy an Oyster card, and you are good to go. But maybe avoid the tube at rush hour. Helpful hint, download the app CityMapper. Just type your destination, and it tells you the best routes, how long it will take, and how much it will cost. Just be aware the app only works if you have an international data plan or if you're connected to Wi-Fi. So just in case, I always download a picture of the tube to my phone. Tip number five, drink a beer on the street outside a pub. Because you can. Tip number six, get your face all up in London's amazing food scene. Gone are the days of terrible British food. London is a world class food city. The gastropub scene is ridiculous, and the Indian food will make you crack tears of curry joy. Try the butter chicken at Punjab, and anything on the menu at the show. It is just plain awesome. There's usually a line, but where there's a line, there's something worth waiting for. Except for the lemonade. And it's a small world. F*** that crap. Also, fish and chips may be the ubiquitous dish of Britain. But try traditional meat pie and chips instead, because that's where it's at. And you haven't known satisfaction until you've dipped the fry in meat pie. Do it before you die. I wouldn't lie. Give it a try. My mum says I am. Tip number seven, visit the British Museum and be blown away by one of the best museums in Europe. Yes, see the Rosetta Stone. The museum houses all kinds of amazing artefacts from the ancient... Why am I talking like this? Goo! What? What's wrong? I feel a bit peaked. It's obvious, isn't it? No! You look great! Why'd you hesitate? Because you're dead. Oh, drag. But whatever you do, do not sit on the steps. Tip number eight, explore some of London's awesome neighbourhoods. Go to Notting Hill and check out the market on Portobello Road. Hit up the funky and awesome Camden and see where Amy Winehouse used to hang out. Or for one of my absolute favourite places in the city, do up your man bun and head outside the touristy centre of London to Broadway Market and Hackney for great drinks, good vibes and some awesome sourdough pizza. Dine in or grab a pie to go and have a picnic in nearby London fields. Tip number nine, London can't expensive. If money's tight, stay in a hostel. Now, I know people hear the word hostel and they think of dorm rooms where you're likely to contract crabs by the time you wake up five. First of all, crabs are almost extinct because people are shaving their hoo-hahs, so that's pretty cool. Second, London hostels are nice. My favourite is Generator. Tip number ten, throw out the guidebook, ignore everything I've just said and just get lost for a day. Explore a little neighbourhood, get to know some friendly locals over a spot of tea, get day drunk on some awesome beer in a pub, see some incredible theatre or just take a stroll and people watch. Hey Americans travelling abroad, don't be this guy. Yeah. This is a big, incredible city and there is a lot to do. Don't stress about saying it all, just have a good time. And finally, enjoy trying to figure out what Cockfosters is. Or better yet, don't spoil the mystery. Just wait with eager anticipation for the lady on the tube to announce... This is a Piccadilly line service to Cockfosters.