How empathy works - and sympathy can't

Stuff goes wrong for all of us and at some point it's our turn again to land in the pit of despair. But it's the conversations that we have whilst we're down there and how we respond to them that will determine just how fast we get back out again. Essentially people will have one of two responses to us when they see us in pain. Sympathy or Empathy. Take one. The sympathetic response. The problem with sympathy is that it's based on the three things that worsen and prolong the bad situation that the person is in. Pity, victim status and When we sympathise we add our own sorrow, fear, annoyance, our pity to the other person's feelings and whilst they now feel less lonely, being joined by another person confirms that the pit is real and bad. When we treat people like victims they behave like victims and agreement just makes the walls of the pit all the more intimidating. Sympathy always ends in the same way with a bungled rescue attempt which almost always fails because deep down we don't want to be rescued, we want to be right. Okay everyone take two, quiet on set, roll camera and Empathy. When we empathise with someone we have the power to change the game. By reflecting back the feeling that we see the person having we show them that they have been understood, deeply understood. By reflecting back their circumstances in plain words we help them to step back and regain perspective and importantly the belief that they can repair their own situation for themselves. When all said and done sympathy can actually feel nice for a bit but when it comes to getting to a solution only empathy has the power to get someone up and running again. Ah okay take three.