How To Handle A Narcissist - Dr. Phil

How do you deal with these people? How do you live with these people? How do you get along with these people? And how do you recognize if you actually have one of these people in your life? I recommend that you don't try and fix a narcissist. I've made stabs at that. I've made efforts at that. When I was a young lion and was going to heal the world, I'd take on whatever. It's above your pay grade. You're not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. Now, there are those that believe that you're not going to change a narcissist no matter what you do. And people ask me, why not? Can't anybody learn to change? And sure, in theory, anybody can learn to change. People ask me where these folks come from. Why does somebody turn out to be a narcissist and somebody else doesn't? And isn't it true if you kind of know that, then maybe you know where to start working on them to change them. Nobody really knows where this comes from. I'll tell you what some of the primary theories are. Maybe it'll give you some insight to excuse yourself from feeling responsible for fixing it. You know, people ask, is this something genetic? Is it environmental? I think the research is very ambiguous. But I think most people would agree that it's a learned behavior. Most people would agree that they come from the extremes of parenting. They either had a parent that was way overprotective and, you know, carried the kid around on a satin pillow and made the child believe that they were entitled by turning him into spoiled brats. And I always say, we're not raising children. We're raising adults. And so whatever you do with your child, that's what you're creating as an adult. So I said the extremes of parenting. One is you've treated your child in such a way that they become a spoiled brat child. So they become a spoiled brat adult. And the other extreme of parenting, of course, is if they've been neglected or abused. And so this is a reaction of, I'm going to be so arrogant. It's kind of a get them before they get me strategy in life, where they just become so self-protective by being arrogant and haughty and entitled that nobody's ever going to do that to me again, because I'm going to put myself above everybody so I can't be hurt. I'm going to fly above the crowd where I can't be hurt. These are theories. I'm not presenting this to you as fact. I'm telling you what psychodynamicists say when they say, you know, look at the parents if you want to understand why somebody turns out the way they do as an adult. Now, does that make it easier for you to suffer these people or not? You know, maybe it does. If you are not that way and you have empathy, maybe understanding it gives you a little bit of staying power. But as I said before, I'm one of those people that thinks anybody can change. I'm the incurable optimist. But these are people that just don't have a good prognosis. There's some mental illness problems that have good prognosis, like phobias. Somebody has a phobia, anxiety. You can deal with that. It's got a very good prognosis. Personality disorders don't have the best prognosis because in the individual's eyes, what they're doing is working for them. And so their belief is, why fix what ain't broke? A narcissist doesn't respond well in part because they don't see a problem. They think they're special. They think they're unique. They think they got it going on. They live in a fantasy world in which they are the top dog. They are the unique, entitled, special individual. So what is there to fix? It's the rest of you that have the problem. Catch up. Get your game together. I don't have the problem. You have the problem. So you can't change what you don't acknowledge. You all have heard me say that. A narcissist is not going to acknowledge that they have a problem. So why would they have a to-do list? And the answer is, they wouldn't. They don't. They don't have a to-do list. Most personality disorders don't have a to-do list because they think what they're doing is protecting them, working for them, getting them what they want. So if you're not going to change them, what are you going to do? Well, you're going to have to learn to deal with them. You're going to have to learn to not allow yourself to be sucked down by these people, to not get into their ego suck hole where you just get pulled down into this dark, bottomless pit where you cannot ever do enough to make these people happy. And the first thing I want you to do is establish some boundaries. And recognize it's not your job to fix them. You couldn't fix them if it was your job. And you cannot let them have the power to determine how you feel about who you are. If you give them the power to determine your self-worth in a relationship, whether it's romantic, or as a family member, or at work, whatever the situation. If you give them the power to determine your validation, your self-worth, I promise you, you're going to lose because they have to put you down in order for them to feel better. It's what I call leveling. They either have to build themselves up so they feel equal to or superior. Or they have to shoot you down so they don't think you've got anything over on them. That's leveling. They can't be in a one-down position ever. So they always have to, in some way, keep you from having any advantage. And if you feel good about yourself, if you are at peace with yourself, if you think you're in touch with your authentic self, if you have a good sense of self-worth, a good definition of self, they can't suffer that because it gives you a sense of power and peace that they just can't endure. So they have to take that away from you. They have to tear that down. You cannot let that happen. So that's why I say you've got to set up a boundary. And you cannot take the bait. And you cannot be the bait. And let me tell you what I mean by that. These people are going to say things that anybody would find offensive. They're going to violate your rights. And it's not just being assertive. Assertiveness is when someone acts in a way to protect their own rights, but they do it without stepping on anyone else's rights. Aggressiveness is when people assert their rights and they trample all over someone else's rights. That's what a narcissist does. They do it by gaslighting. And I'm going to tell you what I mean by that. And if you're dealing with a narcissist, get out your fire extinguisher because you're going to get gas lit. They are going to talk to you in such a way that anything that goes wrong is your fault. And anything that they do is your fault. You're going to hear phrases, I mentioned a few of them before. I didn't say that. I'm not mad. It's not that big a deal. Why are you being so sensitive? Why are you blowing this all out of proportion? What is wrong with you? And it all keeps coming back to what's wrong with you? And they're happy to answer that question. You're too sensitive. That's the gaslighting phrases you're going to hear. And if you don't have a boundary, you're going to take that bait and start questioning yourself whether or not, well, maybe it's me. Maybe it's me. But what do I want you to do? I want you to remember this conversation that we're having right now. I told you this was going to be a little different. I just wanted it to be a conversation. And I want you to remember when this happens. You know what? When I was on my walk and I was listening to Dr. Phil in my earbuds, this is exactly what he was talking about.