A Modest Proposal - Satirical Essay by Jonathan Swift | Audiobook | The World of Momus Podcast

This is a reading of a satirical essay by Jonathan Swift titled A Modest Proposal written in 1729. A Modest Proposal or the title in full, a modest proposal for preventing the children of poor people from being a burden to their parents or the country and making them beneficial to the public. This essay presented in the guise of an economic treaty proposes that the country ameliorate poverty in Ireland by butchering the children of the Irish poor and selling them as food to wealthy English landlords. Swift's proposal is a savage comment on England's legal and economic exploitation of Ireland. This essay is a masterpiece of satire with a blend of rational deliberation and unthinkable conclusions and its title has come to symbolize any proposition to solve a problem with an effective but outrageous cure. And now I will read the essay for you. A Modest Proposal Start of essay It is a melancholy object to those who walk through this great town or travel in the country when they see the streets, the roads and cabin doors crowded with beggars of the female sex followed by three, four or six children, all in rags and importuning every passenger for an arms. These mothers, instead of being able to work for their honest livelihood, are forced to employ all their time in strolling to beg sustenance for their helpless infants, who as they grow up either turn thieves for want of work or leave their dear native country to fight for the pretender in Spain or sell themselves to the Barbados. I think it is agreed by all parties that this prodigious number of children in the arms or on the backs or at the heels of their mothers and frequently of their fathers is in the present deplorable state of the kingdom, a very great additional grievance. And therefore, whoever could find out a fair, cheap and easy method of making these children sound, useful members of the commonwealth, would deserve so well of the public as to have a statue set up for a preserver of the nation. But my intention is very far from being confined to provide only for the children of professed beggars. It is of a much greater extent and shall take in the whole number of infants at a certain age who are born of parents in effect as little able to support them as those who demand our charity in the streets. As to my own part, having turned my thoughts for many years upon this important subject, and majority weighed the several schemes of other projectors, I have always found them grossly mistaken in the computation. It is true, a child just dropped from its dam may be supported by her milk for a solar year, with little other nourishment, at most not above the value of two's, which the mother may certainly get, or the value in scraps, by her lawful occupation of begging. And it is exactly at one year old that I propose to provide for them in such a manner as instead of being a charge upon their parents or the parish, or wanting food and raiment for the rest of their lives, they shall on the contrary contribute to the feeding and partly to the clothing of many thousands. There is likewise another great advantage in my scheme, that it will prevent those voluntary abortions and that horrid practice of women murdering their bastard children, alas, too frequent among us. Sacrificing the poor innocent babes, I doubt more to avoid the expense than the shame, which would move tears and pity in the most savage and inhuman breast. The number of souls in this kingdom, being usually reckoned one million and a half, of these I calculate there may be about two hundred thousand couples whose wives are breeders, from which number I subtract thirty thousand couples who are able to maintain their own children, although I apprehend there cannot be so many under the present distress of the kingdom. But this being granted, there will remain an hundred and seventy thousand breeders. I again subtract fifty thousand for those women who miscarry, or whose children die by accident or disease within the year. There only remains one hundred and twenty thousand children of poor parents annually born. The question therefore is, how this number shall be reared and provided for, which, as I have already said under the present situation of affairs, is utterly impossible by all the methods hitherto proposed. For we can neither employ them in handicraft or agriculture. We neither build houses, I mean in the country, nor cultivate land. They can very seldom pick up a livelihood by stealing, till they arrive at six years old except where they are of two earthly parts, although I confess they learn the rudiments much earlier, during which time they can however be properly looked upon only as probationers, as I have been informed by a principal gentleman in the country of Cavan, who protested to me that he never knew above one or two instances under the age of six, even in a part of the kingdom so renowned for the quickest proficiency in that art. I am assured by our merchants that a boy or a girl before twelve years old is no salable commodity and even when they come to this age they will not yield above three pounds or three pounds and half a crown at most on the exchange, which cannot turn to account either to the parents or kingdom, the charge of nutriment and rags having been at least four times at value. I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection. I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious nourishing and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked or boiled and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout. I do therefore humbly offer it to public consideration that of the 120,000 children already computed. 20,000 may be reserved for breed, whereof only one-fourth part to be males, which is more than we allow to sheep, black cattle or swine and my reason is that these children are seldom the fruits of marriage, a circumstance not much regarded by our savages. Therefore, one male will be sufficient to serve four females. The remaining 100,000 may at a year old be offered in the sale to the person of quality and fortune through the kingdom, always advising the mother to let them suck plentifully in the last month, so as to render them plump and fat for a good table. Child will make two dishes at an entertainment for friends and when the family dines alone, the four or high-end quarter will make a reasonable dish and seasoned with a little pepper or salt will be very good boiled on the fourth day, especially in winter. I have reckoned upon a medium that a child just born will weigh 12 pounds and in the solar year, if tolerably nursed, increase it to 28 pounds. A grandest food will be somewhat dear and therefore very proper for landlords, who, as they have already devoured most of the parents, seem to have the best title to the children. Infant's flesh will be in season throughout the year, but more plentiful in March and a little before and after, for we are told by a grave author and eminent French physician that fish being a prolific diet, there are more children born in Roman Catholic countries about nine months after Lent than any other season. Therefore, reckoning a year after Lent, the markets will be more glutted than usual, because the number of poppish infants is at least three to one in this kingdom, and therefore it will have one other collateral advantage, by lessening the number of papists among us. I have already computed the charge of nursing a beggar's child, in which list I reckon all cottagers, labourers and fourth-fifths of the farmers, to be about two shillings per annum, rags included, and I believe no gentleman would repine to give ten shillings for the carcass of a good fat child, which, as I have said, will make four dishes of the excellent nutritive meat, when he hath only some particular friend or his own family to dine with him. Thus the squire will learn to be a good landlord and grow popular among his tenants. The mother will have eight shillings net profit and be fit for work till she produces another child. Those who are more thrifty, as I must confess the times require, may flay the carcass, the skin of which artificially dressed will make admirable gloves for ladies and summer boots for fine gentlemen. As to our city of Dublin, shambles may be appointed for this purpose, in the most convenient parts of it, and butchers we may be assured will not be wanting, although I rather recommend buying the children alive and dressing them hot from the knife, as we do roasting pigs. A very worthy person, a true lover of this country, and whose virtues are highly esteemed, was lately pleased in discoursing on this matter to offer a refinement upon my scheme. He said that many gentlemen of this kingdom, having of late destroyed their dear, he convinced that the want of venison might be well supplied by the bodies of young lads and maidens, not exceeding fourteen years of age, nor under twelve, so great a number of both sexes in every country, being now ready to starve for want of work and service, and these to be disposed of by their parents, if alive, or otherwise by their nearest relations. But with due deference to so excellent a friend and so deserving a patriot, I cannot be altogether in his sentiments, for as to the males my American acquaintance assured me, from frequent experience, that their flesh was generally tough and lean, like that of our schoolboys, for by continual exercise and their taste disagreeable, and to fatten them would not answer the charge. Then as to the females, it would, I think, with humble submission, be a loss to the public, because they soon would become breeders themselves. And besides, it is not improbable that some scrupulous people might be apt to censure such a practice, although indeed very unjustly, as a little bordering upon cruelty, which I confess hath always been with me the strongest objection against any project, however so well intended. But in order to justify my friend, he confessed that this expedient was put into his head by the famous Salmanassar, a native of the island Formosa, who came from thence to London above twenty years ago, and in conversion told my friend, that in his country, when any young person happened to be put to death, the executioner sold the carcass to persons of quality as a prime dainty, and that in his time the body of a plumb girl of fifteen, who was sacrificed for an attempt to poison the emperor, was sold to His Imperial Majesty's Prime Minister of State, and other great mandarins of the court, in joints from the gibbet at four hundred crowns. Neither indeed can I deny, that if the same use were made of several plumb young girls in this town, who without one single growth to their fortunes, cannot stir abroad without a chair, and appear at playhouses and assemblies in foreign fineries, which they never will pay for, the condemn would not be the worse. Some persons of a desponding spirit are in great concern about that vast number of poor people, who are aged, diseased, or maimed, and I have been desired to employ my thoughts what course may be taken to ease the nation of so grievous an accumbrance. But I am not in the least pain upon that matter, because it is very well known that they are every day dying, and rotting by cold and famine, and filth and vermin, as fast as can be reasonably expected. And as to the young labourers, they are now in as hopeful a condition, they cannot get work, and consequently pine away for want of nourishment, to a degree that if at any time they are accidentally hired to common labour, they have not strength to perform it, and thus the country, and themselves are happily delivered from the evils to come. I have too long digressed, and therefore, shall return to my subject. I think the advantages by the proposal which I have made are obvious in many, as well as of the highest importance. For first, as I have already observed, it would greatly lessen the number of papists, with whom we are yearly overrun, being the principal breeders of the nation, as well as our most dangerous enemies, and who stay at home on purpose with the desire to deliver the kingdom to the pretender, hoping to take the advantage by the absence of so many good Protestants, who have chosen rather to leave the country than stay at home, and pay tithes against their conscience to an episcopal curate. Secondly, the poorer tenants will have something valuable of their own, which by law may be made liable to distress, and help to pay their landlord's rent, the corn and cattle being already seized, and money a thing unknown. Thirdly, whereas the maintenance of 100,000 children, from two years old and upward, cannot be computed at less than 10 shillings a piece per annum, the nation's stock will be thereby increased 50,000 pounds per annum, beside the profit of a new dish introduced to the tables of all gentlemen of fortune in the kingdom, who have any refinement in taste, and the money will circulate among ourselves, the goods being entirely of our own growth and manufacture. Fourthly, the constant breeders, beside the gain of 8 shillings sterling per annum by the sale of their children, will be rid of the charge of maintaining them after the first year. Fifthly, this food would likewise bring great custom to taverns, where the winteners will certainly be so prudent as to procure the best receipts for dressing it to perfection, and consequently have their houses frequented by all the fine gentlemen, who justly value themselves upon their knowledge in good eating, and a skilful cook, who understands how to oblige his guests, will contrive to make it as expensive as they please. Sixthly, this would be a great inducement to marriage, which all wise nations have either encouraged by rewards or enforced by law and penalties. It would increase the care and tenderness of mothers towards their children, when they were sure of a settlement for life to the poor babes, provided in some sort by the public to their annual profit instead of expense. We should see an honest emulation among the married women, which of them would bring the fattest child to the market. Men would become as fond of their wives during the time of their pregnancy, as they are now of their mares in foal, their cows in calf, their sows when they are ready to farrow, nor offer to beat or kick them, as is too frequent a practice for fear of a miscarriage. Many other advantages might be enumerated. For instance, the addition of some thousand carcasses in our exportation of barreled beef, the propagation of swine's flesh, an improvement in the art of making good bacon, so much wanted among us by the great destruction of pigs, too frequent at our tables, which are no way comparable in taste or magnificence to a well-grown, fat yearling child, which roasted whole will make a considerable figure at a Lord Mayor's feast or any other public entertainment. But this and many others, I omit, being studious of brevity. Supposing that 1,000 families in this city would be constant customers for infants' flesh, besides others who might have it at merry meetings, particularly at weddings and christenings, I compute that Dublin would take off annually about 20,000 carcasses, and the rest of the kingdom where probably they will be sold somewhat cheaper, the remaining 80,000. I can think of no one objection that will possibly be raised against this proposal, unless it should be urged that the number of people will be thereby much lessened in the kingdom. This I freely own, it was indeed one principle designed in offering it to the world. I desire the reader will observe that I calculate my remedy for this one individual kingdom of Ireland, and for no other than ever was, is or I think ever can be upon earth. Therefore, let no man talk to me of other expedients, of taxing our absentees at five shillings a pound, of using neither clothes nor household furniture except what is of our own growth and manufacture, of utterly rejecting the materials and instruments that promote foreign luxury, of curing the expansiveness of pride, vanity, idleness, and gaming in our women, of introducing a vein of parsimony, prudence, and temperance, of learning to love our country, wherein we differ even from Laplanders and the inhabitants of Tobinambu, of quitting our animosities and factions, nor act any longer like the Jews who were murdering one another at the very moment their city was taken, of being a little cautious not to sell our country and consciences for nothing, of teaching our landlords to have at least one degree of mercy towards their tenants, lastly, of putting a spirit of honesty, industry, and skill into our shopkeepers, who, if a resolution could now be taken to buy only our native goods, would immediately unite to cheat and exact upon us in the price, the measure, and the goodness, nor could ever yet be bought to make one fair proposal of just dealing, though often and earnestly invited to it. Therefore, I repeat, let no man talk to me of these and the like expedients till he hath at least some glimpse of hope that there will ever be some hearty and sincere attempt to put them into practice. But as to myself, having been buried out for many years with offering vain, idle, visionary thoughts, and, at length, despairing of success, I fortunately fell upon this proposal, which, as it is, wholly new, so it hath something solid and real, of no expense and little trouble, full in our own power, and whereby we can incur no danger in disobliging England. For this kind of commodity will not bear exportation, the flesh being of too tender a consistence to admit a long continuous insult, although perhaps I could name a country which would be glad to eat up our whole nation without it. After all, I am not so violently bent upon my own opinion as to reject any offer proposed by wise men, which shall be found equally innocent, cheap, easy, and effectual. But before something of that kind shall be advanced in contradiction to my scheme, and offering a better, I desire the author or authors will be pleased maturely to consider two points. First, as things now stand, how they will be able to find food and raiment for a hundred thousand useless mouths and backs, and secondly, there being a round million of creatures in human figure throughout this kingdom, whose whole subsistence put into a common stock would leave them in debt to millions of pounds sterling, adding those who are beggars by profession to the bulk of farmers, cottagers, and labourers, with their wives and children who are beggars in effect. I desire those politicians who dislike my overture, and may perhaps be so bold as to attempt an answer, that they will first ask the parents of these mortals whether they would not at this day think, it is a great happiness to have been sold for food at a year old in the manner I prescribe, and thereby have avoided such a perpetual scene of misfortunes as they have since gone through by the oppression of landlords, the impossibility of paying rent without money or trade, the want of common sustenance with neither house nor clothes to cover them from the inclemencies of the weather, and the most inevitable prospect of entailing the like or greater miseries upon their breed for ever. I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavouring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my country, by advancing our trade, providing for infants, relieving the poor, and giving some pleasure to the rich. I have no children by which I can propose to get a single penny, the youngest being nine years old, and my wife past childbearing.