Why do we lose control of our emotions?

Kids want to know. Imagine that you really want to play soccer at lunchtime. But when the bell rings, you can't find your shoes. When you finally get out to the field, the teams have been picked and it's too late for you to play. Maybe you got so mad that this small problem became a big problem in an instant. When we lose control of our emotions like this, we can call it flipping your lid. Kind of like the way a pot might do if it was too full and too hot. A little while later, after you've cooled down, you might even feel sad when you realize that when you had a big reaction to a little problem, you could have hurt someone's feelings. What if I told you that this happens to everyone? Your parents, friends, teachers, and everyone else you know can flip their lid and lose control of their emotions sometimes. We all need to work on managing our feelings. Have you ever wondered why we can have such a hard time keeping our emotions under control? It can be really tough being a kid these days. There's just so much going on every day, at home, at school, even after school. Sometimes it's hard to keep a lid on things and we act in ways that are not kind or caring, even though we don't mean to be hurtful. There are so many situations that we encounter every day that can cause our emotions to bubble up. Maybe you felt upset or frustrated when you were working on a problem or activity at school and just can't seem to get it right. Maybe something unexpected or embarrassing happened to you in front of your friends. Maybe you had something important to say but didn't get a chance to say it. These and many, many more situations can cause both kids and adults to flip their lids. So why does this even happen? Well, it has to do with the way our amazing human brains work to help keep us safe. This is your brain, the part of your body that controls everything you do. Let's take a closer look at the parts of the brain and how they can work together to help us keep a lid on things. The brain is a pretty complicated organ, so we're going to use our hand to help us visualize what's happening up there. Let's imagine that our brain has an upstairs and a downstairs. Here, where our thumb is, is called the midbrain. This is where our emotions and memories are created and stored. Below that is your brainstem. The brainstem controls the things our bodies do that we don't have to think about, like breathing. It also controls our automatic reactions to certain situations. For example, if you touch a cup with hot tea in it and it's too hot, your downstairs brain feels the pain and will pull your hand away to stop you from getting burnt. It's an automatic reaction. You don't have to stop and think about what to do. Or, imagine you're out on a hike and a bear wanders onto the path. Your brain doesn't stop and think, Your downstairs brain notices that you feel scared, it takes charge, and in a split second decides whether or not you should fight, fly, another word for run away, or freeze. Because of the way our downstairs brain reacts to these situations, we can think of it as our emotional brain because it reacts instantly without needing to think things through. It's always ready to take charge in any situation to help keep you safe. So if this is our downstairs brain, then this part where the back of our hand and fingers are can be seen as our upstairs brain. It's called the cerebral cortex. This part of our brain helps us think logically, act with kindness, and think about how others might be feeling. It's also the problem-solving part of our brain. It helps us to think of possible solutions to a problem and decide which one is best. The upstairs brain is our thinking brain. Your upstairs and downstairs brain don't work alone. Your brain is set up so that the upstairs and downstairs brain can communicate with itself. It sends messages from section to section all the time about what our bodies feel and need. Let's take a closer look at our brain fist. Where our fingertips are is the logic and reasoning part of the brain that springs into action when we have a problem to solve, and usually it does a great job of doing it. But sometimes it can have a hard time solving a problem if the emotional brain and thinking brain can't communicate well enough. This can happen if your emotions get too overwhelming and your downstairs brain decides that this situation might be dangerous, even if it isn't really. And we all know what happens when our downstairs brain thinks you're in danger. It triggers our fight, flight, or freeze reflex. Our emotions start to bubble up and then suddenly everything boils over. We flip our lids. This can look like a scary, angry reaction, or it might be crying or running away from a problem. Now that we've flipped our lids, see how far away our fingertips are from the midbrain? When our lids are flipped, our upstairs and downstairs brain can't talk to each other. Our emotions have become too strong and we can't think clearly and can't solve the problem in a peaceful way. So what can we do to stop us from flipping our lid? Well, it all starts with realizing that we're about to flip our lid and then turning down the heat so it doesn't happen. Remember that soccer game we talked about at the beginning of the video and you were really upset and didn't get to play? Maybe you felt your tummy rumble or you felt your face getting hot? Did your heart start to pound and did you feel your hands start to clench? Were you frustrated, disappointed, and angry? These types of strong feelings are all indicators that you might be close to flipping your lid. If you feel this start to happen, it's a good idea to walk away, take some deep breaths, and look for an adult to talk to before you flip your lid. It might be a parent, grandparent, coach, teacher, or another trusted adult nearby. They can help you with strategies to solve the problem once you've calmed down enough for your upstairs brain to be ready to do some peaceful problem-solving. If you do flip your lid, those same trusted adults can offer you some time and space to cool down before you start to problem-solve together. Once your upstairs brain is back in charge, you can share your story and get some help. Using I statements can help you to tell an adult what you need. I need a hug. I need you to listen to what I have to say. I need another chance. I need some alone time. I need a walk. I need you to see that I can do well. Learning more about the brain and how it works can really help us to understand our emotions and to be peaceful problem solvers. When we listen to our bodies and our brains, we can turn the challenges of being a kid into opportunities to learn and grow. Thanks for watching. If you're interested in learning more about the brain and how to manage emotions, some resources are linked in the description box below.