Disciplining Children: East vs.West

Hey guys, welcome to OTGW, it's Mike, it's Dan, it's Yeehee, it's Felicia, it's nice to have the ladies back. Anyway, today's topic is something that a lot of us experienced, Asian. Yes. Disciplined by Asian parents. Yes. Or even very strict parents. Especially for, I think, me and Mike's generation, we're a few, we're a little older than you guys. So old. Yeah. To me, like, our parents definitely exhibited a lot of this, uh, the stereotype of, like, the tiger mom. Eagle dad. Yes. You get a pretty tough combination of, like, basically parents, um, with Asian disciplinary styles that is really different from the West. In the West, um, I think a lot of parents, they want to give their kids, they want their kids to develop and have their own identity. Right. So they want them to, you know, grow up, be a ballerina, be the president, be an astronaut, but be yourself. Yeah. That's one of the things, right? Be yourself, grow up and have your own life and, uh, just be happy. Independence. Yeah. That's kind of like the whole, you know, that's what it's kind of like in a nutshell for in the West. But in the East, it's more like, we need to mold you into what we feel like you should be. That is true. And they do mean well. They think that, cause like my parents definitely feel like this. They feel like I'm too young to know what's good for me. Like even, I'm 21, you know, and people don't, they don't, they don't think that I know what I want in life. And they're like, right now you think that you want this and this is what's going to make you happy. But when you're 30, trust me, that's not what's going to, uh, you know, that's not what you're going to want. And you're going to regret that you didn't take the steps that I laid out for you to have achieved that. And so it's like, part of me is because they say that part of me actually believes them. I'm like, what if I am not like, it scares me into doing what they want me to do. Because I'm like, what if I'm unhappy when I'm 30? But you know, it's, but I still want to do this cause my heart is in here, you know? So there's that contrast there. I think a lot of the time it's like based off their experiences. So like, I wanted to do graphic design architecture, but it's like, it's going to be really hard to get a job. You're not going to find a job. So I was like, okay, business, I was like, Oh my God, I'm not going to like be able to live later on. And it's like the scare tactic, Western parents, they'll let their kids go out and make their own mistakes. Right. Whereas Asian, it's like, no, I've done this. I know it's wrong. So like, you can't do that. Right. And they like shield them and you don't get to like, you know, make your own mistakes type of thing. That's true. That's the only way you're going to actually grow because you can't really grow from somebody telling you not to do something. The only way you're actually going to learn is to have made that mistake, suffer the consequences and then you learn. But I also get why they would do that because they're like, they know what it's like to suffer. So they don't want you to suffer. So they shield you, you know? I mean, the foundation of it all from, you know, the Asian parents perspective is they're trying to do what's good for you in their views. They're trying to be, you know, loving in their own way, which sometimes comes off a little harsh. And a lot of times Asian parents, it's not just about the physical discipline, right? Right. So a lot of times it's about mental discipline. So yeah, like Mike's talking about basically the mental aspect of it. And a lot of times the parents use language in the form of like heavy scolding or I guess like cursing. It's not like cursing in English, but like ma. It's like basically like heavy scolding, like reprimanding you with words. And that does a lot of damage over time, you know, but I think that that's one of the major differences between East and West because I certainly got a lot of that when I was little. I think it starts out with like, let's say you're not, you're not studying as much as they want you to, which is already way more than any other kids do. But then like it trickles down into like what you eat, how you dress, who you hang out with. So there's this whole trickle down effect. So it eventually just feels like everything I did was wrong. I think this is true. I was reading that like one of the major ways that Chinese parents show affection is by this tactic of discipline. They actually think this is I'm being affectionate towards you by not showing you affection. There's actually love. Yes. It's tough love. One of the misconception is for me, like when we talk about Asian parents sacrifice, like it's almost like people are saying, oh, it's okay that sometimes they overly discipline you or make you traumatized from their words because look, they're showing sacrifice. So I have a, I have a problem with that because I do thank my parents for their sacrifice, you know, moving to a new country, uh, trying to, you know, make a better life for us. But that's kind of like saying, uh, Western parents don't sacrifice, therefore they have to show more love, but that's not the case. It's just that they're, they, they show it in different ways because there are, they've already been established here. They have a home here. They have family here. Another big difference is in the West, the parents really, I feel, try to be your buddy. Yeah. Like your friend. You're like, you know, like some, a lot of my friends are like my, my dad's my best friend. My mom's my best friend. Right. Like taking your kid to a ball game. It doesn't have to be a ball game. It could be anything. It's literally like the time that the parents are like, I need to bond with my child. So they recognize that there is a time where you need to bond with them. But in the East, my parents, like there's no such thing as bonding, no bonding. Like family vacations, we all know that's not bonding. Like they never taken me out alone on a walk on something just to kind of like, Hey, how's it going? Like, how's it going in school? For me, you know, I, my parents, it's very, it's really different. I think they were like a hybrid. You know, this is a different philosophy is a whole different approach, right? If you grew up in the East, the family I grew up with is pretty, pretty typical in China is more, Hey, you did something bad. All right. Come here. Meet the broomstick. Not saying every Asian kid went through what I did, but I'm just saying a lot of people did. What about you guys? Did you guys get beat? And I feel like you guys didn't. I feel like I'm throwing my parents under the bus, but he's not like talking about this, but yes, I did. You did also? Oh, you did? I did. By both your parents? Oh, um, no. My mom. Your mom beat you. Your dad didn't beat you. How bad was the beating though? It would be like really extreme cases where she'd like be at her limit type of thing. Oh, you know, those like dusting things with the feathers. Did you get beat? No, I didn't because my parents were, they're, they're interesting in other ways, but they didn't beat me because they said that I was a girl. So girls shouldn't get beaten or something. Some sort of philosophy like that. But, but there were other damages. I will not get into them right now. Us cause we're all immigrants too. Don't forget, like neither of us were born in the United States, but we grew up here. So we're, and we're a little bit older. So a lot of us do experience that kind of tiger mom factor. So anyways, before people, you know, are like, my parents never did that. Like relax. We're not talking about everybody here. Okay. I feel Asians have a more of a obligation feeling towards their parents and their kids. Like the Asian parents will always look after the kids no matter how old the kids get. Right. They're always like, you know what, you're 30, but Hey, uh, still live at home until you get married. Right. Uh, mom's going to cook for you and just show up on and out. Sometimes that's bad, but they want to take care of you. They want to offer you things. Right. Um, but in the West, I feel like there's a disconnect, right? There's a sense of responsibility to a certain age. Right. And then the parents kind of like, Oh, we want you to be free all your life. Now you're free. Now get out of my house. Basically like that's it. Right. And uh, if you come over, call first, uh, if you need some money, uh, I'm going to lend you some money. Uh, maybe I won't, but even if I do, you got to pay me back. I feel like Asian kids do appreciate their parents more than Western kids. And I'm just saying personally, I feel that way. Well, yeah, but cause there's a general consensus. Like most people are like, well, they don't have an obligation to take care of their parents into old age, especially once they get married. That's their family. They're not going to have their parents come live with them or, you know, you know, take care of. It's very common for Asian kids to have their parents. Well, this is, I'm only speaking from like kind of my mom's generation. My some of the people in my generation where their parents can come live with them and like just be a really big part of their lives up until they're really old. But Westerners, I really rarely see that. I mean, it's, it's two separate families. Once the kid gets married, that's their family, the parents, that's their own thing. Like, you know, that's why you call before you come. It's like, cause they have their own lives and you have your own lives. I can only speak for like Chinese children and Chinese parents. It's very intertwined all the way up until they're very old, like the very old age. But that's like historical roots, you know, like Confucianism. Absolutely. And in the past, like more than one generation of people would live under one roof. I studied in China for six years. From the things I read, it was more about having respect between parent and child as opposed to affection. You know, it's just the thing. That's just kind of the culture. You have respect for your parents. They teach you how to be like a upstanding human being. And that's the relationship. The affection part, I mean, it's kind of like a bonus, I guess, if you have it, but it's rare. Of course, like the roots of the Chinese family and their fundamental values, of course, is rooted in Confucianism, right? And like filial piety, filial piety, righteousness. It's like that back in the day, we're talking about pre-communistic China, where when you talk about having no affection, it's not that Chinese parents were like, we're not going to show any affection. It's just that they were believing in Confucianism. So they had other values, right? Like devotion, showing discipline, teaching kids how to be reserved. So the point is, what I'm saying is they had these moral values underlining their techniques. See, to me, back in the day, I'm sure they were also like, you got to study hard, you got to do these things, right? But they had these moral values that were driving the parents. But what happens is after the Cultural Revolution, to me, what happened was you still use the same techniques and you learn a bunch of new ones that were bad because you went through the Cultural Revolution. And now, as we all know, this is not a secret. You can go online, you can read up all this stuff. Now after Cultural Revolution, the whole point is you now do not have that spiritual basis anymore. So you don't have the moral values anymore. So you're only using the negative system and coupled in poverty, moving to a new country, fear. I mean, you got this cluster bomb of, you know, like... I mean, I just wanted to get into that a little bit, just like the Chinese discipline thing, right? Why do some, well, this, you know, for some Asian kids, like they feel like it's kind of painful growing up and their relationship with their parents is a little bit damaged. I think it's because, like I mentioned before, like back in ancient China, there was discipline. I'm pretty sure people still beat their kids from time to time with a stick or something else. But it was less about kind of shaming you and like making you feel really bad. Like that kind of thing really, I think, came after the Cultural Revolution. And like I know that my grandmother, she's kind of that generation. She kind of disciplined my mother like that, like shaming her and kind of like making her feel really terrible. And it was not just about physical discipline anymore. And that's kind of where the break in the relationship comes, where they kind of like, you know, feel really hurt, you know, because if you beat them, but they can genuinely feel that you did it for them, then that relationship is still repairable. It's not, it's okay. I mean, you know, but if they feel like, wow, like you really hurt my feelings, like you made me feel worthless, that's, I think that's what's going to damage. That's the damaging discipline, I think. My parents never shamed me. And after they beat me, they were like, that was for you. They did the full house thing. They were like, I'm really sorry I had to do that. Oh, they said sorry? Yeah. They're really... And I could tell that my mom didn't want to do it. She didn't want to do it, but she did it. And I cried. For the better. Yeah. So I felt like, all right, you got to do what you got to do. Okay. That's pretty good. This was actually an example from when I was a kid. When I used to talk to my friends, we all got beat. And we always say this to each other. This is like a motto we always just say to each other. We're like... You get beat. First of all, we used to talk about the beating we got last night. And then we always would say like, you know, because Chinese kids, we all want to show that we know, we're mature, we know a lot. So someone got beat. Like Felicia. Like, hey Mike, I got beat last time. My first thing out of my mouth would be, hey, that's for your own good. Your parents did it for your own good. So it's kind of like, that's kind of like also, you know, when we talk about school, when we got beat by teachers, it's for your own good. That's kind of like, it's almost an excuse. It is. That, that, because it's almost a justification for getting the beating. Right. And it's almost brainwashing for the kids to kind of grow up just being like, it's for my own good. It's for my own good. But sometimes, you know what? It's not for your own good. No. Yeah. Because if it was for your own good, like she was saying, you can feel it across the board. There are other cultures, Spanish, African American, Middle Eastern, where they all get beat too. Yeah. It's not like Asians are the only one that gets beat. Exactly. Yeah. But I have a lot of Hispanic friends. They got it worse than I did, but they, you know, they still hug, love, kiss their parents, you know, and you see like online, there's a lot of video shaming parents, like the way that the tactics they use, but they grow up, they still have a pretty good relationship. All right, guys. Well, those are our perspectives about the discipline area between Western parents and Eastern parents. Or, you know, this is just our opinions. You don't have to agree. But anyway, some of you might want to show this video to your parents. Right? I don't know. But anyway. I'm sorry, mom. Yeah. I mean, I mean, we're not, again, we're not bashing either or, we just really want to open the discussion. All right, guys. Thanks so much for watching. Peace.