How To Be A Volleyball Player

How to be a volleyball player. Follow these steps and you too can be like us. Step 1. Decide what kind of volleyball you want to play. If you like spandex, play indoor volleyball. If you like bikinis, consider beach volleyball. Step 2. Buy a pair of volleyball shoes. The flashier your shoes, the better people will think you are. And don't even think about wearing ankle socks unless you want to look like unathletic garbage. If you're a dude, knee pads are optional, but your friends might think you're a sissy. Step 3. Even if you think you don't need them, buy a pair of ankle braces. Not only will they protect your ankles from sprains, but they will make you look like a pro. Step 4. Learn how to bump or pass the ball. If you can't pass, you can't play. Don't worry about those burning red forearms. You'll get used to it. Step 5. Now learn how to set the ball. And don't be creeped out if someone compliments your hands. Wow, man. You have really nice hands. Step 6. Learn how to spike or hit the ball. Step 7. Get to know the positions. Power, the one who hits the ball. Middle, the taller guy who hits the ball. Back row, the defensive players. And setter, the one who blames their team for everything. You expect me to get that? You're way too slow. It's not that hard. One pass, that's it! Step 8. Learn what a libero is and choose how to pronounce it. No matter what you choose, you will always be wrong. Step 9. Know what kind of volleyball player you are. The noob, the one who is too loud. The one who is super tall but can't jump. The one who exaggerates everything. The one who always has an excuse. The one who rides the bench. The one who takes it too seriously. The one who never shows up to practice. Or the guy with the weird serve routine. Step 10. Learn volleyball jargon such as the following. Spike, set, tool, kill, float, line, pipe, seam, ace, dig, free, roof, pokey, pepper, touch, tip, shank, side out. Learn how to set up a volleyball net. And don't forget to carefully release the crank when there is tension on it. Unless you want this to happen. How did you get your hand? Oh, I heard it in volleyball. Oh, did you fall? No, I was just setting up the net. Step 12. Get in the habit of calling for the ball. If you don't call mine, this might happen. But even if you do call the ball, this might happen. Step 13. If you're a dude, get used to people making fun of you. Volleyball? Isn't that a girl sport? Do you have to wear spandex? Why don't you play a real sport? Step 14. To prevent or protect hand injuries, wrap your fingers with tape. Remember, there is no such thing as too much tape. Step 15. Pay attention to where you should be on the court at all times. Or else this will happen. Wait a minute, guys. How do we screw up the rotation? Why are you there? I thought I was supposed to be where you are. Know the difference between a pancake and a pancake and a six-pack and a six-pack. Step 17. Get used to the referee making bad calls. Ref, what the hell? That was in. What the f***? Step 18. Work on your poker face. Sometimes you can get away with touching the ball without the ref noticing. No touch. Step 19. Pro-wrap everything. Step 20. As an outside hitter, no set is ever good enough. Can you set it higher? Set it just a little bit tighter. Okay, not so tight. Give me like a 3.5. Volleyball is a game of split decision making. Get in the habit of calling balls in or out. In, in, in, in, in, in, in. Just kidding. Step 22. You will experience the urge to use every ball as a volleyball. Some teams like to have special cheers for when they score points. Know the difference between a girl's cheer. And a guy's cheer. Step 24. Don't be alarmed if your coach tells you to shag your balls. All right, boys and girls, let's shag our balls. It simply means to gather your scattered volleyballs. Step 25. During a tournament, know how to use the time in between games productively by playing pepper in a quiet area or, if you're a girl, by braiding each other's hair. Step 26. Learn how to read hand signals. Blocking line, blocking cross, blocking ball, 30, 40, 50, 60, slide, X, and the shocker. Don't be surprised when your knee pads smell like a finely aged parmesan cheese. If you come across a balloon, you must use it as a volleyball. Nothing makes you feel more like an Olympic athlete than playing volleyball with a balloon. Step 29. When playing beach, feel free to blame your mistakes on the wind. Mine, mine, mine. Sorry. Wind. In fact, blame the wind all the time. It's that damn wind. Step 30. Learn how to draw a volleyball without having to Google it. It's harder than you think. Practice how to perfectly dive after a ball. Now that your form is perfect, attempt to use it in-game. And finally, remember to keep your eye on the ball and not the buns. What did we miss? Leave a comment in the comment section below.