Is Finding 'THE ONE' A Myth?

What's going on guys? Welcome to OTGW Talk and I'm Dan. Felicia. Mia. We've got a great discussion for you guys today. It's an often talked about discussion, very controversial, and it's all about the one. You see this topic in the news, I mean not in the news, on the internet all the time and it's always in shows and movies and it's always this portrayal of the one and only person for you, the soulmate, somebody that you're supposed to fall in love with and spend the rest of your life with and you're going to have that one person that just gets you, that they're perfect, they fit into all the criteria that you're looking for. And today we're here to kind of talk about that, talk about whether we think that's actually something that is realistic or not and why. So this is a great example because here we have three people and we've all been in relationships, currently are in some, and Mia, you're single, right, and we don't want to single you out here but- You're singling me out! What is your current definition of the one? So okay, I believe that the one exists. You know, as in Chinese culture, you have this theory of red strings of fate. You're connected to this other person that you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with. It's like a predetermined relationship in a way. Yeah, yeah, kind of like your soulmate or whatever, you know, I kind of, I believe in that concept. It's going to be a lot of work. But okay, so say you were in a relationship, how would you determine, or would you try to determine whether that person was the one? I still don't know the answer to that. I don't know! How do you know if he's the one? Because I've asked my friend about this before, actually, and then my friend was just like, oh, you'll know. Anyone who said that, that's like a very redundant statement. It's like you're not offering anything of any help. Thanks, friend! You're not making anyone, like, did that make you feel better? No. Actually, that made me feel worse because I'm like, okay, but I still don't know, you know? Question mark, question mark, question mark. Yeah. Also, right now though, timing is very important, like where you are in your life, where that other person are in their life. What is your... My concept, right? Yeah, what is your concept? My concept of the one is somebody that you meet and you marry and you have this lifelong journey with, and the journey is not always good. Right, but that's already assuming you found them, so then the journey is there, right? But beforehand, it's the searching process. What is your concept of the searching process of the one? And what is it? And does it exist? Yeah, I'm gonna tell you something. Okay. So my belief is, you don't find the one, the one finds you! What?! You cannot stop trying to find the one! You will not find the one, because you're like, I'm looking, I'm looking, and then when you look, you have this set of criteria, and then they don't fit the criteria, so you break up, or you're going out and then you're like, oh, this is the one, and something happens and you break up. So it wasn't the one. So you're saying that you're just going in with low expectations. It's not quite low expectations. It's like, you should have a pre sort of checklist, and everyone has a different one, right? You have to go through experiences, you can't just be like, oh, he's the one, you have to go through some bad times. See, I would say, like, I wouldn't even go into it with a checklist. I feel like you should approach new relationships with a standard. So there's certain things that you would want from that person, right? And it's not like a checklist of, he must be tall, he must look like this, but it's more the principles that rule him type of thing, and then you can- His values. Yeah, his values. So those things are like, first, any potential person can be the one. So if you think about it, you're in one relationship, and you break up for whatever reason, right? And at that point when you were in that relationship, you thought they were the one. That's why you're with them. Okay. Right? And then something happens that proves that, okay, something's not working, and then you move on. And then so each time you move to a new person, they present a new set of personalities, a new set of points that either you learn from, or that you will compromise with. Like a new set of challenges for you. Exactly. So it's a new dynamic each and every time that you find someone new. So it's like kind of a constantly evolving and revolving process. But wait, I got a question though. What if at first you're smitten by the guy, and you're like, wow, I want to change myself for him, and I want to do this and that, but then later you're like, nah, I don't want to do it anymore. Then he's not the one. No, because if you're constantly willing to compromise and evolve with that person, and they do vice versa, then it's like an ever-growing relationship. And so your relationship will reach, will keep climbing, like the maturity level. Keep growing, yeah. Exactly. Progressing. And you'll keep breaking through certain relationship walls that you can't with another person, or you couldn't get through with your ex, or whatever. And they become the one. Yeah. At one point or another, that infatuation will die out. So how do you maintain the relationship without that? You came to the right place. Did I? Here's the problem. We're all conditioned to feel like that infatuation is good. And we read all these things, and we see all our friends because they're in that phase. They're like, oh my gosh, you got the butterflies. Okay, but you do feel those things at the beginning. Yes. Yeah, isn't that necessary? Yeah. But it's a different butterfly. All right, let me backtrack real quick. I don't mean you shouldn't have butterflies, that nervous, positive, electric energy. That's not what I'm saying. You should be excited to see that person, right? Otherwise, why are you even dating that person? But don't be blinded, because at first, they can do nothing wrong. Then the things that they do wrong, you start to see it. And that's when you're questioning, is this the one, is this not the one? I think a lot of the time in the infatuation stage, it's because we're expecting things to be done, right? So you're expecting him to woo you, to pay for things, to take you on dates. And then when that infatuation blows out, they're expecting too much and not appreciating enough. So they're expecting here, but only the delivery of a normal person is here. So I want a question for you. Like, in the past, when you decided that person's not the one, why did you decide that? This is getting too much! Okay, maybe think about, on a general sense, like, was it something that, looking back on, you could do a little different? Okay, there are a few factors. In my case, I don't know how true this is for other people. It was something like values and principles. When you have two different sets of values, then you're just two very different people. I think in a lot of people's cases also, there's the distance effect. What if that person moves away to a faraway country? That is a wild card, right? If you just meet someone and all of a sudden, it's like, oh, we just met, and now we have to be apart. So how do you build that relationship? Well, even for you, you're like, bi-coastal. Even like, 3,000 miles could be a long distance. You're a different example. You're a good example of long distance, I mean, talking about long, super long distance. I was with my boyfriend for about a year, and then the three years preceding that has all been long distance. Wow. Seriously? Oh yeah, you're right. So we had a year, and actually, I feel like a year is not a long time at all to even know a person. Yeah. You haven't showed every facet of your personality yet. So in that case, see, your lives are going towards two different directions. So at that point, you have to decide whether or not he's the one to keep the relationship. It goes back to how much you're willing to sacrifice your own personal needs for the relationship. Okay. And some people are like, don't ever change yourself. No. Like, to me, if you've never changed yourself, how do you grow as a person? I've changed things around in myself so that I'm not completely smitten, and I know that it's a journey. So ultimately, the first one didn't work out because I think there were certain things that I couldn't change about myself, possibly, or at that time I was unwilling to or just didn't know how. Yeah, unwilling. Yeah. So when you're unwilling, I think that's already kind of an indication that, like, why am I unwilling? Is this person not right for me, which is why I'm unwilling to change? But I was young and I didn't, you know, I needed a little more time to change, right? But then the second one, I was already, I've already arrived at that conclusion that I can change myself. Right. And it's not change in a bad sense, like your identity crisis or something, like you have no spine to stand up for. It's like you're maturing and growing from the experience. Absolutely. Yeah. Which I think a lot of people don't take it as a good thing. You know, we all have that friend that kind of changes in a relationship and you're like, bro, what happened to you? And you're like, where is my friend? I want my friend back. Yeah. But it's like, if that person chooses to change for their relationship, like good for them. If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work. Right. You move on. So like for, for, for the current relationship, we kind of made sure our values matched in the beginning. Yeah. There's no point hanging on to the things you can't change. Right. Exactly. So then we're like, all right, we believe in the same things. We want the same things. So now it's just the test of your, your, um, your endurance. Like, so that to me is like when you truly grow in a relationship and it, and she has become the one and I've become the one for her. Yeah. You do have to do something, which is you have to look at yourself. If you're, if you're looking for the one and you're single, you have to work on yourself a little bit and look back on why certain things didn't work out. You're like, okay, these are things that I absolutely have to have in a person. Yeah. And it should core value. Exactly. You're not willing to change. I'll give you a quick example, right? Let's something that's important to a guy or a girl. Let's say it's being there. Let's say when they meet their friends, family, or there's an important event, right? You want them to be there. Let's say they're not there. Most people would be like, yo, you didn't come through for me. Right? They'd be like, maybe he's not the one. Then they read articles like, cause all these articles like signs that he's the one he meets your family. BS. This is, this is the moment. This is the key moment where you know he's the one or not. And it's not because he didn't come. It's after that you say that was really important to me and you weren't there. And then how do you proceed? Exactly. If he's like. Oh, that's a good point. If he's like, I'm, I'm. We all make mistakes. If he's like, I didn't realize because we didn't communicate that and I will be there. But then let's say next time he isn't, then like two, three times after that, then you can be like, you know what? I've tried. This is something where it's not, then maybe he's not the one. But if he, but if he changes the next time or even is like willing to change, why can't like, then you're like, wow, holy crap. This guy is showing that he's willing to change. So then he might just be the one. And if it keeps stacking up, like, you know, you come across tribulations and you can get through that and grow from it and move forward, then it keeps climbing. And also I think you kind of have to like be in the mindset of totally devoted to your relationship, right? Because I think a lot of the time people is like, oh, I can get something better if you're not willing to change. Yeah. So why would I want to do that? Or those friends will be telling you that, you know, you should, you deserve better. You should be happy. Because if you think about it, like compatibility, you're compatible with more than just one person. Absolutely. And it's like, you could essentially date any guy or any girl. It's just how much you're willing to change for that person who's in front of you. Yeah. There's no, like you said, there's no quick fix to make you happy. The only way is if you work on yourself and you're like, all right, is there some things I can let go that I can sacrifice? And true sacrifice, like you said, meaning not like if I sacrifice for you, you got to sacrifice for me. No, that's a trait. If I'm willing to do something that you, it's important to you, I should, and to me, it's a sacrifice for whatever reason. I shouldn't want anything in return. And honestly, like eventually you get to the point where like, I'm happy to do it. And that's when I would say, you know, they're the one. And I think like a lot of people will be like, oh, well, I'm in a relationship and I give more than he does. I give my all and it doesn't work out. So the girl is, she's not really giving her all because she's always looking for something in return. So if you, if that guy's not giving it to you, maybe you're with the wrong guy or something, or maybe you need to re-examine your, your base criteria because everyone's criteria is different. Yeah. You know, girls talk to each other about like potential guys and it's like, oh, well, this guy, you know, his profile is better. And I think people look at, at other people as a package deal in a way. They absolutely do. And pick it apart like a car. How are you supposed to make a fair judgment on someone just by face value and what they have? You know, Mia's like, oh, I got so many people. And then people have the ability to change. But if you don't give that person the ability to really show who they are in front of you or for you, you'll never find it if you're not willing to invest in it. And the investment, it is really investing because right at that point you might be thinking, I could let him show me, but if I do and it doesn't work out, I've lost. But you just, you cannot think that way. Know who you are at the core and have like the principles in mind. And also the foundation that you know will never change. But then everything else is fluffed that you can change. Whether you want to or not, that's part of the process of being in a relationship. Every relationship is a different dynamic altogether. You and your significant other is completely different to me and my significant other. And the things that work for me don't work for you and vice versa. So it's like, you can take advice, but you should know what advice to take and where they're important. And lucky for you, you're a girl, which means you have time to be like, okay, well, there's all these possible guys and reassess. You don't have to feel like you need to rush into something. Or rule any or all out because they all have something to offer. It's just like, which one connects with you the most in a way that you can really fulfill and build on. I feel like the mindset that you approach it is a good thing because I feel like when people, you know, when they just break up or they went through a failed relationship, they'll come out of it kind of feeling a little bit bitter. Destroyed. Yeah, like, oh my gosh. So my previous criteria is not right. So I have to kind of eliminate some of the things or I needed to add some things to my set, you know, list of criteria. Go into it even more. I need to completely change because it didn't work. Yeah. When I hear that, to me, you're going down a bad path because you're not reassessing yourself and what you could have done better. You're reassessing how do I change my criteria? Yeah. So I find a guy that fits this, but you never, like we're saying, you don't know when you first meet someone. You don't know who they really are. Yeah. That's why I hate the dating phase. I think that's what a lot of people don't really realize, especially the young ones, you know, that relationship has all these different stages. So easy to be like, it's not interesting anymore. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. It's also the fact that you have to kind of stop thinking about yourself all the time. It's not like what different qualities can I look for, you know, in this other person. It's also a process of finding yourself because it's not easy to kind of, you know, get to know yourself. It's actually a hard thing. Yeah. So it's a thing that a lot of people go through. Okay. I think we should wrap it up now. Exactly. All right, guys, let us know what you think. Actually, if you have a comment, I would say leave it for us on Facebook. I feel like because YouTube comments is really... It's hard to reply. It's hard to reply and also a lot of times the comments, you know, people just kind of leave it on a whim. It's not well thought out. And as you can see already, these two give great love advices. So if you have any questions about that, send us your questions. Okay. Anyway, thanks for watching, guys. Bye.