Aiglon Drama On the Razzle Act 1

My tailor has let me down again. Yes, I can see. No, you damn well can't. I'm referring to my new uniform which hasn't arrived yet and today is the great parade. I'll feel such a fool. Perhaps I'd better not go out at all. This fortune hunter Saunders is after my word. My word? My word. Ah. I won't rest easy until Marie is out of his reach. Now, don't forget, Marie's luggage is to be sent ahead to my sister-in-law, Miss Blumenblatt, at 23 Karlstrasse. Miss Blumenblatt. What is their dress? 23 Karlstrasse. What is it? 23 Karlstrasse. Very well. Marie can stay there until Saunders finds some other innocent girl to proceed. I'm damn sure they're sending messages to each other but I can't work out how they're doing it. How about your knees? My knees, sir? My knees. What? My knees and I are not to be priced apart so easily, and nor are hers. I hope I make my meaning clear. Marie must be mine. Not for all the teen China. Well, I'm mine for all the teen China. All you think about is money. All I think about is money. As far as I'm concerned, any man who interferes with my Marie might as well have his hand in my till. I have expectations. I know, I'm starting dance. We're closed for lunch. What expectations? We're closed for lunch. What did she say? I don't know, uncle. I think she's a foreigner. Queen, queen. I'm closed, closed. For lunch. Open two o'clock. Air Saunders. I'm here, Saunders. Air Saunders. There, Saunders. Air Saunders. She's a creditor. Air Saunders. No debts, eh? Air Saunders. You said you had no debts. No outstanding debts. I probably overlooked my hat, sir. He was a bit short. But as for my expectations, Alzheimer, I have the honor to inform you that I have a rich aunt in Genève. A rich aunt in Genève. I will. I taught her. I'm standing here with my bun and suntan, and he has a rich aunt in Genève. She's going to leave me with her money. When is that? When she's dead, of course. While she lives, I know she'll make me a liberal allowance. A liberal allowance? How much is that in Genève? Don't waste your time. I will not allow my work to go off and marry a broth. Then I'll stay here and marry her. And meanwhile, your inheritance will be eaten to the bone. I'm sending Marie away to a secret address where you will never find her. Search how you will. What is it? Twenty-three cow stresses, Miss Blumenblatt. You old, you stupid. Should I get you a traveling case? I'll beg it. Not the new traveling case. My humble respects. Here's your old uniform. And your new servant who's just arrived. Your servant, ma'am? His. Who asked you to offer a big man? You're upset. I can tell. Where's Marie? She's upstairs trying on her new Scottish traveling outfit. You got her cheap from your fancy. My fancy? My fiancée. A respectable widow and madam of Madame Noir's fashion house. I thought as much. Such a big showdown. No, it's not a showdown. It's a hat and coat show. Now, get out there and send in the new servant. And don't let Marie out of your sight. This place is beginning to lose its chic to me. I'm surrounded by village idiots. It's an uphill struggle. Try to instill a little tone to this place. Entrez. Come in. Are you the shopkeeper, my lord? You do me too much honor and not enough. I am Herr Sandler, purveyor of high-class provisions. Well, I understand you're in desperate need of servants. You understand wrong. There's no shortage of brokes like you. Or nerve masters like me. Classic and very true. A good servant will keep for years while masters like you get ruined every day. How's business, by the way, Earl? Highly provisional, I trust? You strike me as rather impertinent. Oh, no, I was just talking shop. Please disregard it as the inexperience of blushful youth, as the poet said. Do you have a reference? No, I bet it's somewhere. Have you got a testimonial? Oh, I do. It is a classic if I say so myself. Have you got any experience? Oh, definitely. Well, I must say, I have never read a testimonial like it. He's just a bit creased, that's all. Honest, industrious, enterprising, intelligent, imaginative, witty, well-spoken, modest, in a word, classic. So where do you want me to start? Just a moment. Aren't you picking the interview? Oh, so I am, so I am. How much are you paying? Six guilders a week, including laundry. I don't do laundry. No, I mean the housekeeper will wash your shirts. That's classic, I like to be clean. And bored. Clean and bored. And lodging. Clean and bored and lodging. All included. I assure you, no one goes hungry here. Soup, beef, pudding. I like coffee with my breakfast. It has never been a custom here for a servant to have coffee. Well, you wouldn't want me to take liquor from the stock now, would you? Certainly not. And out of which, prefer to avoid temptation? I'm glad to hear that. Agreed then. What? Coffee. If you do a good job, coffee then. From the pot? Yes. Well, that seems satisfactory. Is there anything else you want to ask me? No, I don't think so. You won't regret this, sir. I have always parted with my employees on the best of terms. You have never been sacked? Technically, yes. But only through subtle neglect of my duties have I let it be known that the job has run its course. Ah, that's very considerate. I don't like to cause offence by giving notice. I chose modesty. Oh, you're a more servant, sir. Yes, all right. Classic. Only you have to stop using that word. It's stupid. There's nothing stupid about it. It's just the way some people use it without discrimination. Do they? Yeah, it's absolutely classic. What are my duties, by the way? Your duties are the duties of a servant. To begin with, you can make my old uniform look like new. And if that tailor shows his face, tell him to go to hell. Here we are. The masterpiece is ready. Humanity, my dear ma'am. Go to hell! Shut up. With the help of two genuine tailors, I have done the impossible. Now let me help you into it. Too small. I see you have a new servant here, sir. Yes. I woke up this morning feeling like a new person. So I got one. Troubles. Too tight. She's a possible servant. Is she? She's a bit. I'd like to give you the chance. I used to work for a tailor once. I would cook his goose for him. It all went really well until one day I got confused and goosed his cook. Very early. After that, we got off our late stand. Listen. You see how a tailor should fit? Except it's a bit too tight, isn't it? Snug. I'm thinking about my nuptials. The presents, huh? Exactly. I don't want them pressed. Try the tunic. That's somewhat constricted. Surely that's the style. Well, it's cutting me under the arms and... I can't breathe. It's a uniform. It's not supposed to be a night shirt. I don't understand. You took my measurements. Well, that explains it. And it's a day late. I suppose it'll have to do with the pitch. How does it look? I'd rather not say. I order you. How does it look? Shut up. You dare let your servant speak to me like that? In the livery. No man's minion. That's well said. What's your name? Melchior. Melchior? Throw this man out. Don't touch me. You, sir, received your measurements from nature. The tailor's art is to interpret them to your best advantage and to move the buttons. By a humble respect, I will leave my job. No, you won't. Come on. Out. What should I do next? There's a coach leaving for town in five minutes. I want you to be on. Oh, it's been a pleasure, sir. But I usually get a week's pay. No, no, my dear fellow. I want you to go to Vienna and engage a private room at the Black and White Chophouse. Order a good dinner for two and wait for me there. Private dinner for two, wait for you there? Tell them it's a celebration. Formidables, pickles, dumplings. Oh, you'll spoil me. It's not for you. I'm entertaining my fiancée, it's her birthday. Oh, a previous engagement. My congratulations, Ed Angler. Actually, she's the madam. Madam North's fashion house. Do you make it? No, but I think I know the piano player. It's a hat and coat shop. Enough said. I will join you after the break. Oh, we're travelling together? I can't be in a hurry. I'm having trouble with my knees. It's the uniform. No, it's the Casanova. Marie's very vulnerable. If she's so much as sets her outside the door, she's going to catch it from me. Oh, how long have you had it? No, I'm in the door of one. Has he had it? I don't think so. Marie's in her room trying on her Scottish get-up. I'll figure it out later. I'm her uncle, after all. Oh, I figured it out. Here's some money for you. To catch a coach. Do you understand my requirements? Perfectly, but can't I meet the rest of your staff? There isn't time. Repeat my requirements. Catch a coach, go straight to the Imperial Gardens Café. Private dinner for two, champagne and wine. No, no, no. The black and white chocolates. Sir, I beg you to consider Madame Nora is a woman of the world. Sophisticated, dressed to the nines, with an act that will knock your eye out and an eye to knock your ass off. You want to wine her, dine her, and mend the date. Now, does that sound like to you a couple of foamy tangles and cold coffee on black and white ears? Yes, it does. Madame Nora is not just another house-frau. Her middle name is Fashion. More or less. Nor-Fashion-House. I think I see what you mean. The Imperial Gardens Café is a fashionable place? It is the only place for quality at the moment. Is it quite refined? Refined? The plan's lunch is six-sauce and a creme de menthe frappe. Maybe just these ones. Leave it to me. Champagne, lobster, roast fowl, birthday cake. Pickles, dumplings. And to finish her off, to get her in the mood. Perhaps we should have... A nice bowl of pasta. Well, that seems all right. First class. But why do I have this sense of impending disaster? Saunders is after my niece and has discovered this secret address where I'm sending her to my sister-in-law, Miss Bloomingblood, while I am doing my business in the charge of my assistant and an apprentice to follow my new servant to join the parade and take my fiancée to a... birthday dinner. In a uniform, I can... sit down in it. One false move and we will have a farce on our hands. He's gone! Oh! Thank you, Mr. Brinebro. I thought so. Coco is up by six points. When was that? A week before last. Does it ever occur to you, Christopher, that we're the backbone of this country? You want me, Mr. Brinebro? The merchant class. Ah, yes. The merchant class is the backbone of the empire on which the sun shines out of our doings. Do you ever say that to yourself? Not in so many words, Mr. Brinebro. Well, you should. What is it after all that distinguishes man from beast? Not a lot, Mr. Brinebro. Trade. Oh, yes. I was thinking that. We are the process between invention and necessity, balancing supply and demand on the knife edge of profit and loss. I give you the merchant class. The merchant class. How's your romance, Mr. Brinebro? As well as can be expected of a relationship based on a correspondence between two post office bosses. One must be cautious with lowly heart advertisements. Although, I'm beginning to be quite taken by the one who signed this up. Elegant and under 40. I'm thinking of coming from behind my own on the primo. Scaramouche! The trouble is, I rather think I've given her the impression that I'm more or less the owner of this place. At least you're not a dog's body like me, Mr. Brinebro. A dog's body? You're an apprentice. You've had a valuable training during your five years under me. You see things differently from the dizzy heights of cheap sales assistants, Mr. Brinebro. Brinebro! I thought you said he's gone. He must have changed his mind! Is it time to open the shop? Not quite, chief. I was just getting everything straight. Are you going to the parade, Mr. Brinebro? No, I'm going golfing. What do you think? I think you're making fun of me, chief. How does it look? Snug. Do you think it should be let out? Not till after dark. What? No! Are you sure? I like it, chief. I like it! I can't deny it's smart. Have you noticed the spurs? Oh yes, I've noticed. I'm rather pleased with the effect. I feel like the cake of the week. That's very well put, chief. I don't mean the cake of the week. Not the cake of the week. The chic of quake? No. The Kirk of the works? No. The cock of the walk? That's the point. I feel like the cock of the walk. I was just setting off when I suddenly had doubts. I don't understand you, chief. My niece and ward is preying on my mind. There is something not quite right here. My niece and ward are preying on my mind. So this is a done while. He's turned on his head and for all I know she's already lost it. Well, she didn't lose it in short hours. I'm going to frustrate him. Frustration is too good for him, chief. I am sending Marie away for a few days. You will have to manage the till. I suppose you are prepared to do that? Very well prepared if I may say so, Herr Zangler. Well, there will be other changes. Prepare yourself. What would you say to having a mistress? One each for Sherry! Congratulations, chief. We wish you and your bride every happiness. Thank you, thank you. May one ask you the fortune of your young lady is? Actually, she's a widow. In a business. Like me. With a house and three girls working upstairs. What would you say to that? There's not much you can say, chief. What the devil is the matter with everybody? That's another thing that was worrying me. Leaving this place in charge of YouTube. I'm mortified. Who have you got in mind, chief? YouTube, of course. I mean to put in charge of a sense of responsibility. What would you do in my shoes? Jingle. What? A jingle make any difference to one afternoon, chief? It may be longer. Meanwhile, desperate situations call for desperate measures. Master Christopher, approach. Holy Master, it's a massage! To celebrate my Neptune, I'm appointing you my chief's sailor assistant. Someone has brought you to such a fuse. He's stunned, chief. Show your gratitude, eh? Oh! Where is Angela? You're bound to be blessed. You can call me chief. Stop saying that. I beg you, chief. No. Where am I, chief? Can I call you chief? No. With the help of a ceremony, I've come to help my... What? Any chief. Bless you. We must have to have a ceremony. Raise your right shoulder and repeat after me. I swear. When? Do you remember how it goes? Uh... To strive and to abide. No. I swear by the sacred apron of the Grand Vicar... No. It's been a long time. I swear by the sacred apron of the Imperial Grand Grocery under the grocery chain of service to honor his customs, to give up his stock, to be creditable, to give credit to you, and not to be found wanting when we get into scales. So help me God. You may jump the counter. Thank you, chief. All right, chief. Excuse me, chief. Am I your chief's assistant or am I not? You are not. I have decided to make you my partner. Me? Partner? Yes. To take a fag from the day of my marriage. Partner. Yes. I will be spending more time away from here. Oh. Good luck, chief. Thank you. I'm going to join the parade and call my fiancée. It's her birthday. I hope to have a little sex that outside her hat shop. Outside? In the streets? I can't help it. I'm a fool to myself when I'm in love. If I'm not back by the morning... You're in jail! If the milliner is on. Oh. Have her for me, chief. Partner. I'm a partner. Chief sales assistant. I was at the bottom of the ladder. And now... Who's going to be under me? Look, Kipa. That was the hymna of my aspirations. But partnership? He's the partner. And I am the entire staff. I'll have two masters instead of one. Three guns in the wheel. And yet... Now... Now of all times, when fortune has smiled upon me, I feel a sense of... grief. What has happened to me? The saw has turned my breast. Oh. What's wrong with me? Oh, mother. What is the wearer of it all? Miserable girl. I have come into my kingdom and realized it is the wrong room from which you celebrate your escape. The servant is the slave of his master. And the master the slave of his business. What? Try it on. No. Go on. Get through, my cousin. I mustn't. All right. I dare not. All right. Please. Dare I? If only I could look back on a day when I was fancy-free. A real razzle of a day packed with adventure and hijinks. A day to remember. But I have nothing to remember. I must acquire past the woods too late. Come with me. Come with you, Mr. Manro. Come with me where? I want it now. Now? This very minute. What? Lock up the shop. It's already locked. Why is that? The parade. And dinner in town. Marie is confined to quarters. It's just the two of us. He'll never know. Wait. What about the books? We'll fix the cook. We'll cook the cook. What about the cook? We'll fix the cook. The cook? Gertrude. Get me out of this. She'll do it for us. So? Yes. It's Gertrude. Get it? Got it. He says go find Mr. Vagrel and tell him not to open the shop this afternoon. Don't open the shop. Tell Mr. Vagrel. Straight orders. And now he will be obliged if you are scared to leave him alone. Wait. She's gone. And now best foot forward. Gertrude. God in heaven. She's back again. I can't let her see me like this. That swine Hound Saunders is nowhere to be seen in the village. He didn't even go yet. Marie's going to assault him. I told you not to let Marie out of your sight. You told me to find Mr. Vagrel and tell him. Don't tell me what I told you. Get out there and look for Saunders and Marie. I'll have a look in the garden if I find a place to hide. Find in the hideous corner. Christopher. Gross. Mon amour. Oh, August. We must... Now's our chance. We can escape by the shop door while they're searching around the back. Oh, but it's not proper. Don't you love me? You know I love you. A lover isn't running away. It's running towards. It's not proper. Is it proper for your guardian to behave as if he owns you? Yes. That's why they call it property. I think. Oh, August. You're terrible. Kiss me again. Mr. Feinbrill. Oh, Marie. Somebody's coming. Mr. Feinbrill. I'm here. Mr. Feinbrill. Somebody's been eavesdropping on us. I thought it was a squash in there. Oh, my God. How's Angela? Please don't be mad at your uncle. I meant no harm. She's blameless, sir. In fact, I swear, I mean... In fact, I swear she did it against her will. I didn't do it. She didn't. I haven't. Oh, sir. It was love that drove us to deceive you. Won't you stay to meet your uncle? Your harshest words are easier to bear than the silence of your anger. What do you... Do you mean? He's blessing our union. Oh, Marie. Oh, August. Oh, uncle. You've made me so... What a surprising man he is. Beneath his rough manners he's the very soul of tact. I've always been. Let me kiss you again. You can kiss me properly. Oh, Marie. I'll kill him. You're blasphemous. He's mine. I can tell. This is absurd. I'll come back when you're feeling calmer. You dare to show your nose here again, I'll cut off your... cockatoo spider feet. Did you hear that? He's still grinding. I don't think he'll ever come back. Oh, my. I feel like a real rough scallion. We're on the razzle at last. We've done it. We're on the razzle. We're going... Christopher. Women, Mr. Brinebro. Beautiful women, Christopher. How old are the women here, Mr. Brinebro? Twenty-two, Christopher. How does one meet them, Mr. Brinebro? They promenade in packs with parasols and gloves up to here. They consort with cosmopolitan men of the world in fashionable cafes. Vienna, Christopher, is the place to be. Look. It's just like you said. It is, isn't it? Is the city always like this, Mr. Brinebro? Well, more or less. Colorful costumes, balanced food. It's... It's like a great parade. Yes. But with all the time we're taking, it's ours now. Yes. Parade? Parade! My God. Too close. There he is. Get down. Adventure. Yes. That would have been our final fling if Zangler caught sight of us. On the other hand, we don't want to end up fling-less. I saw it and I'm flung. You're not Zangler, are you? I don't know. Christopher? Yes, Mr. Brinebro? Where's Lightning? Oh, she always shows up. What will we do if she doesn't? We'll bolt this table door. So, Mr. Brinebro, where's the razzle? There's plenty of time, Christopher. There's probably an adventure laying in wait for us at this very spot. For all we know, we've made an appointment with destiny. Mr. Brinebro? Yeah? Nothing's going to happen to us in a pokey little place like this. The parade must be over. Let's go. No! We might run into the boss. Oh, no, no. He's got the whole of Vienna to choose from. There's absolutely no reason why he... Oh, no. Zangler! The, uh... The class-deniable person, the Don Juan, the Usa Incarnate, is at the Imperial Gardens with a nice-looking lady. A lady like me. What? Who's this? It's Zangler. Oh. What are you doing here? I came because the cassata and the tart turned up. Well, that's just dessert. What about my dinner? That's all arranged. But you'd better come quickly because I'm on the trail of the casserola and he's getting cold. Tell them to put it in the oven. You seem to lack a sense of proportion. I'm about to present myself to my fiancée and I'm done if I'm going to be put off a stroke by a jumped-up pastry cook. I told you to wait for me. I did. But who should turn up at the same seducer I saw leave your own? There you are. You see? He had a woman with him. Of course he did. She was in a Scottish get-up. Vienna has been overrun with Scottish get-ups and kills. In my opinion, it's a disgrace. No, Scottish get-up means nothing at all. There's even two in the window here. Are you deliberately trying to break my bubble while I'm standing, knocking at my fiancée's main entrance? They call her Marie. A very common name. Yes. I guess we must be talking of two different Maries then. Exactly. What yours does is no concern of mine. I don't think so. Do mine. I had a listen and all she could say was, it's not proper. It's done. Quick, fetch me a half-woolen cap. Your hands are full. We're off. What a situation. Classic. What do you think? Well, I think it's got a certain Scottish audacity. Arbiter of this fashion house? I'm sure I don't know, sir. I'll fetch madame at once. But excuse me, sir. That is a lady's cape. I know. I was trying it on for a lady my size and acquaintance. That cape is reserved. It has a ticket on it. Ah, yes. For old Fisher. I know. I have come to collect it and pay for it. Not exactly to pay for it. No, not exactly pay for it, but confirmed payment. I think it's all clear now. Hello, Fisher. Is that all clear? I don't know. I'd better go and get that. Excellent idea. Meanwhile, we'll be awfully grateful if you could take care of this. Yes, sir. Did you say... Certainly. When I pay for something... Confirmed... Payment. Confirmed payment for somebody else's wife. Why don't you see if our friend's anywhere in sight? Good idea. I'll be back in a moment. Is anything the matter? Frau Fisher has been a widow for three years. She thinks she has, yes. She thinks she has. What about the funeral? Yes. It was the funeral that put that idea in her head. That she'd be a widow forever. However, three days ago, she didn't meet the honour of becoming my wife. You will be back, won't you? I'll fetch madame immediately. She's upstairs in the workroom. Tell her there's no hurry. She's probably busy having an ointment. But Herr Fisher, why didn't Frau Fisher change her name to yours instead of you changing your name to hers? She did. I didn't. As it happens, my name is also Fisher. That's how we met. We were placed in alphabetical order at a fire drill at the writing academy. There they are. They're both here. And what a couple of naughty children you are. Oh, my dear friend, why didn't you tell me? Are you feeling all right, my dear? No, I'm not feeling all right. I'm feeling distinctly put out. Fancy being married for three whole days without saying a word to your oldest friend and leaving your husband to break the news. However, now that I see your husband, I can quite understand why you kept him hidden away. My husband? And he announced our marriage himself now, did he? And not too soon. It is such an honor to meet you. I think it is so romantic. You must have swept her off her feet. Tell me, how long have you known each other? Not long at all. No, not long. You must have been married with your head in a whirl. You couldn't say I went into it with my eyes open. Of course you did. And I'm sure you've not been disappointed. Surprised more than disappointed. You see, my husband has a very individual way of dealing with the banalities of ordinary time. I expect we'll be getting engaged next week and exchange cards the week after. Isn't she priceless? Well, I expect you think I'm rather presumptuous. No! Well, a little forward. A little forward. You'll find yourself coming back. But not so sudden. And secret. There was a reason. My dear husband will tell you. Do tell. My dear wife can tell you just as well as I can. But I would like you to tell her. I would like you to tell her. After all, she's your friend. Oh dear, not quarrelling already. It was a whim of mine, dear husband. And at the same time a whim of my dear wife's. But it is extraordinary. Well, there's nothing extraordinary about it. When two attractive people... A marriage of true minds. Entirely. Yes, indeed. Well, I must be going. Going? What do you mean? I have business to attend to. Aren't you going to wait to see me try my new Scottish ensemble? After all, it wouldn't be fair if you didn't like it. Why? Oh, isn't he the soul of generosity? If I like something, that's enough for him. Actually, I think this Scottish tart and fad has had its fling, you know. Had its fling? Such a sense of humour. I'm shaking. Will it be cash or a count? A count, I think. Well, if that's all you wanted. Delighted to have met you at last. My dear wife has told me so much about you. Don't be in such a hurry, my dear. I've just had such a wonderful idea. One needs a lot of patience in marriage, I find. I hope I've never given you cause for complaint. No, never. Have I ever contradicted you on matters large or small? No, never. Much appreciated. Don't I do my best to enter into your ideas against all reason? Yes, yes. And since you make such a good point of it, I'm sure you won't mind if I leave it with your friend. Well, I would mind very much. Out of courtesy to Madam Law, I cannot let you forget that your only business today is to take us out to a celebration supper. A celebration supper? Isn't fate extraordinary? I was hoping my fiancé would pin me down at the black and white top house tonight. But not for the first time. He preferred to stand me up. Did he? He did. I thought I'd be getting a little gold band. And you didn't? I did not. It turned out to be a little brass band. Did it? It did. Did your fingers turn green? I turned green. But now the evening promises to be just as memorable. So you will oblige us, won't you? I would have taught it, but alas. Very well, Eugenie. I'm afraid to tell you that this man is a... Why don't we take a walk to the black and white top house and raise a burning tank onto our happiness? The black and white top house? I'm sure it will come to no surprise to anyone here that you prefer to take us somewhere a little better than that. I'll get my new Scottish ensemble and we'll meet at Cairns. That's a wonderful idea. I do believe your wife deserves a kiss for that. You do? Oh, I do. Permit me? Not a kiss. You don't have to stand on ceremony in front of me, you know. Very well. Ah, there you are. I'm Kutchy. I'm Ricky, the country cousin. My wife's Fred, Madame Noor. My cousin from the country. The four of us are going to have supper at... The Imperial Gardens Cafe. Where else? Why don't you go fetch us a cab? He'll be back in a moment. We'll keep the cab and go on elsewhere after. Another great idea. Thank you.