Dealing With Common Toddler Behavior Problems

Hi there, I'm Dana Obelman. Welcome to this week's video blog. Today I wanted to talk a bit about toddlers. I noticed on the blog and on the Facebook page that there's lots of you struggling with toddlers. And believe me, I remember the toddler years very clearly. It is a very exciting time in your child's life. It's a very adorable time in your child's life, but it's also a very frustrating time in your child's life for you and your child. You know, they're learning so much at such a rapid pace and learning to become an independent person, learning to express themselves in appropriate and inappropriate ways. And it can be just a real struggle. And because I saw so many people expressing some frustration around toddler sleep, toddler behavior, fighting, biting, kicking, not going to bed, not sleeping all night, I thought it would be a good idea to just talk a little bit about toddler behavior in general. And that might give you a few pointers to take to your specific problem, whether it's sleep or hitting or those sorts of things that go on, and apply some of those strategies. Now, toddlers, my favorite, favorite quote about a toddler is that a toddler is like a night watchman. They go around checking all the doors, but they don't want to find any open. Okay, so I reminded myself daily of that quote when I experienced my three toddlers at different times, that they're boundary pushers. That's what's going on in their little mind is where does my will start and end and what happens if I do this or do this or do that? And it's all about learning how to survive in this world. What do I need to do to get you to do the things that I want done? And in its purest form, we could call it manipulation, but it's really all about learning what strategies work, what strategies don't. And what toddlers typically tend to gravitate towards is using negative or let's call it bad behavior to see if that seems to be the easiest to go to. It's much more difficult to be a polite person and a kind person and a positive person. It's often easier to go down the negative. We all know that. So toddlers tend to go there first and that's when you get the whining and you get the hitting and you get the taking and the not sharing and the not going to bed and that's their way of testing boundaries. And so to keep in mind that toddlers are extremely black and white and they will force you to become black and white as well. If you give little bits here and there, let's say bedtime, for example. If you have a great bedtime routine going with your toddler and tonight kind of out of the blue, she says, well, I'd like an extra story. And you think, oh, well, she's been really good today. Let's give her an extra story. Uh-oh, now the boundary has budged. Tomorrow night, she might ask for a story and to bring an extra baby to bed. And again, you're thinking, oh, well, she's been good, let's do it. Now the boundary has shifted some more. Now let's leave the hall light on. Let's have some blueberries before bed. Let's put socks on. And they push and they push and they push in small ways to find out where in lies the boundary. When will you stop this madness and when will you bring back that security of knowing exactly what the rules are? And that's the next thing I want you to always keep in mind about your toddler is that even though they push against it, they like consistency, they like boundaries, they like rules, they honestly do not like not knowing what is expected of them. It's like working for a boss. You know, when you come in one day and they're Jekyll and the next day they're Hyde and you have no idea what their expectations are for you. That's a terrible working environment. No one enjoys a boss like that. So keep that in mind with your toddler that even though sometimes you feel like the bad guy and you're doing lots of consequences and lots of reminders about what's appropriate, that that is where they feel the most secure, okay? And remind yourself of your child's age constantly. And one thing I see lots of parents do is over-talking issues, okay? One thing to keep in mind, I want you to, when you're dealing with your toddler, if you take this one little nugget of advice and apply it in the next few days, you'll notice significant change. And that is offering choice, okay? You've got a toddler here who wants to feel like they have a bit of power in their life but not too much, give two choices around an issue. So let's say it's jammy time and this is an area where your child stalls or puts up a fight about jammy time. Say, okay, it's the red jammies or the blue jammies, which one do you want? Now you've given them a little bit of authority in this. Oh, I get to pick which jammies I want, that's fun. And they'll pick the jammies and then you move on to the next thing. It's two stories. Which two stories out of these three do you want tonight or which one story out of these two books do you want tonight? Giving them a little bit of choice and think. But the choice should, if at all possible, the choice should only be between two things, okay? They cannot think much further than that. So two things, this one or it's that one, which do you want at snack time? It's apples or it's grapes, which do you want? And you'll find that you will ease any tensions around your will versus theirs if you give a little bit of choice. Okay, so keep all those things in mind as you go through the toddler years and know that if you put in the work, the payoff comes when they turn three and four and five. You've laid a fabulous foundation of skill sets, of consequences, of boundaries and routines that once your child kind of gets through this, it's gonna be not smooth sailing, but definitely you're gonna feel like, okay, we've turned the corner, we've got some really good things established here. So it's worth the effort, trust me. Thanks for watching and sleep well.