Why do some parents have more sexual difficulties than others after having a baby? Childhood trauma plays a significant role, amplifying the other factors at play.

Having a child brings its own set of challenges for couples. On top of the physical, emotional and relationship adjustments that come with parenthood, parents also face changes in their sex lives. In particular, many report . Although these difficulties are common among parents, .

So why do some parents struggle more than others? To find out, (kissing, caressing or penetrative intercourse) after the birth of their child. We wanted to determine whether childhood trauma, such as neglect, abuse or bullying, was linked to lower sexual satisfaction, and whether feeling understood, accepted and supported by one’s partner could act as a buffer.

According to , sexual well-being after childbirth depends on a combination of biological factors (such as hormonal changes and breastfeeding), psychological factors (such as postpartum depression) and relational factors.

A young man and a young woman are sitting on opposite sides of their bed, with their backs to each other
Sexual difficulties after childbirth are common, but they can still cause distress. (Unsplash)

But experiences that predate parenthood by many years can also affect how people adjust during this period. partly because of its .

Studies also show that people with a history of such trauma have more sexual difficulties as adults, .

Why feeling understood matters

Our study shows that . Feeling understood by one’s partner .

This goes beyond simply being listened to. It means feeling that your partner knows and understands who you are, values and respects your abilities, personality and opinions, and is attentive and willing to meet your needs; for example, by supporting you through hard times. Researchers call this

Many studies show that people who see their partner as more responsive report , including .

Our findings suggest, however, that trauma can interfere with this process. Parents with a history of trauma . This holds for both mothers and fathers.

Lingering trauma

Consider Anya and Robin, whose baby was born four months ago. As a child, Anya witnessed physical violence between her parents. Robin was emotionally neglected.

They started having sex again a few weeks ago. But Anya worries that Robin is eager to get things back to “the way they were” and that he isn’t paying enough attention to what she’s going through or what she needs during sex.

Because she grew up in a violent home where she felt neither safe nor heard, Anya is especially sensitive to feeling pressured or having her needs overlooked. As a result, she enjoys these intimate moments less and less.

A young boy, sitting alone on the floor with his legs drawn up in front of him, hides his face in his hands
Childhood trauma can make it harder for adults to adjust to their new role as parents. (Unsplash)

Robin, meanwhile, is struggling to adjust to their new roles and feels that their relationship is taking a back seat. He worries that it’s slipping, but feels that Anya sometimes brushes off his concerns, which brings back childhood memories of feeling unimportant and unheard. For him, sex is a way to feel close to Anya, so he, too, is less satisfied.

This example illustrates that after childbirth, feeling that one’s partner is responsive is key to reconnecting. It also shows how easily that feeling can be undermined, especially for people with a history of trauma. These parents may find it harder to express their needs and may need their partner to be particularly attuned to them.

Paying attention

Childhood trauma occurs in relationships where the child is not protected. This can leave people feeling rejected, misunderstood or invalidated. Over time, these experiences are internalized and can in intimate relationships, including

A young woman and a young man are talking while sitting on a kitchen floor
Helpful strategies include listening without interrupting or rushing to offer solutions, checking that you’ve understood, validating your partner’s emotions and expressing your own needs openly and respectfully. (Unsplash)

As a result, trauma survivors may be more alert to and in their relationship, and may see their partner as . The stress of a new baby can amplify these tendencies.

Our findings also suggest that the effects of trauma extend beyond the person who experienced it. Through the couple’s interactions, they can spill over and affect the partner’s sexual satisfaction as well. How responsive each partner is to the other can therefore make a real difference to the couple’s relational and sexual well-being.

Being responsive doesn’t mean always having the right answer. It’s about being attentive and attuned to what the other person is going through. In practice, that can mean listening without interrupting or rushing to offer solutions, checking that you’ve understood (“So what you’re saying is that you feel…”), validating your partner’s emotions even when they differ from yours and expressing your own needs openly and respectfully.

These habits can help both partners feel safer in the relationship and foster intimacy for all parents, especially those with a history of trauma. They can help couples build, and keep, a more fulfilling bond as they adjust to life with a baby.

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