Being well liked may come down to something far simpler than charm, humor, or good looks. According to psychology research and experts, one of the most powerful social skills is also one of the most misunderstood: empathy.
Empathy is not the same as feeling sorry for someone, and it is not a sign of weakness. Researchers describe it as one of the most influential skills people have—one that can strengthen relationships, ease loneliness, and make everyday life feel more connected. The good news is that it can be practiced every day with a few small habits.
What Empathy Really Is
Feeling sorry for another person, depending on its tone, is closer to sympathy or pity. Empathy is something else entirely.
Think about the person in your life you like most. When you are around them, chances are you exhale, your shoulders relax, and you feel good about yourself. They listen, they are interested in your life, and they make you feel seen and heard. The famous saying holds true: people may forget what you did or said, but they remember how you made them feel. Empathy is the bridge between you and another person.
A Harvard Medical School psychologist who directs a child-behavior program at Mass General Hospital, and who has spent about 30 years working with children and families, sums up empathy in a single word: understanding. It means working to understand what another person is feeling, what their perspective is, and what they are dealing with—before you judge, jump in to fix the problem, offer an opinion, or make up your mind about them.
Why Empathy Works
Scientists point to at least two reasons empathy is so powerful.
The first is the law of reciprocity, a hardwired psychological impulse to return kindness. If someone holds a door open for you, you instinctively want to hold the next one for them. When you take the time to understand what someone is going through, they feel supported and connected to you—and they want to give that feeling back.
The second involves mirror neurons. When you watch a movie and a character begins to cry, you may feel yourself tear up. Neuroscientists often describe mirror neurons as a neural bridge that links us to other people, because watching someone experience an emotion—positive or negative—can trigger a similar reaction in us.
There is also plenty of opportunity to practice. Researchers at the University of Toronto, publishing in a psychology journal, found that people have at least nine chances every day to act in ways that make others feel understood and cared for. Each of those small moments can make someone’s day better—and your own as well.
Here are four simple ways to take advantage of them.
1. Ask—Don’t Guess
Many people believe empathy means stepping into someone else’s shoes and guessing how they feel. In reality, guessing is the wrong approach. Empathy is not mind reading; it is pausing long enough to ask a question.
Most of us go through life on autopilot, filling in the blanks about other people. We chalk up a partner’s bad mood to something they must be doing wrong. We assume a coworker who missed a deadline simply does not care. We respond to a friend’s fantastic news with “that’s amazing” and then change the subject. In each case, we guessed instead of asking.
Instead, try simple questions such as “Tell me more about that,” or “You don’t seem like yourself. Is everything okay?”
One media producer once had an editor whose work suddenly became sloppy. He began showing up late and missing deadlines. Rather than assuming he did not care, a colleague asked whether everything was all right. It turned out the editor had been caring for his sick mother—driving her to doctor’s appointments while juggling a demanding full-time job. Once the situation was out in the open, the team could find a better way forward.
A well-known author and speaker says she learned this lesson the hard way as a parent. When her son was in fourth grade, he was struggling in school and had been identified with learning differences and ADHD. Like many parents, she went into problem-solving mode—deciding who to call, what the plan should be, and how to fix it. But her efforts to help made things worse. Her son was not a problem to be solved; he was a child who needed to feel understood. Looking back, she says she wishes she had sat down with him and asked: “Can you help me understand what’s hardest for you? What do you think the adults are missing?”
Asking matters during good times, too. When someone shares exciting news—a good grade, a first date, an award, or a video they finally posted—resist the urge to say “great” and move on. Pause and say, “Tell me more. What did that feel like?” People do not only want company in their pain; they want company in their joy. Making someone’s happiness bigger tells them that they matter to you.
After you ask, really listen. Do not think about what you will say next. Your only goal is to be there and understand.
2. Go First—Send a “Pebble”
The second practice is to go first. Do not wait for other people to reach out.
Most of us have good intentions. Someone pops into our minds—a friend who had an appointment, a parent we should call, an old roommate we have not seen in years—but we get distracted, decide there is not enough time, or worry that we will be bothering them. Yet thinking about someone is not the same as showing them you are thinking of them. Your sister cannot feel a text you never sent, and your friend cannot hear a compliment you kept to yourself.
An organizational psychologist and professor at the Wharton School describes a helpful concept called “pebbling.” The term comes from penguins, which present smooth, shiny pebbles to potential mates as a small gesture of interest. The modern equivalent is sending someone a meme, link, video, or article that you know will resonate with them. It is not about spamming people with random content. It is about carefully choosing something that says, “I thought of you. I know you. I see you.”
Studies show that if you send a small pebble to someone a week or a month after meeting them, that person tends to feel closer to you. It can also be a great way to reconnect with a “dormant tie”—someone you have not spoken to in years. Remembering their taste in television or sense of humor shows that you paid attention, and it gives you a natural reason to get back in touch.
Pebbles do not have to be digital. One woman says her husband sometimes brings home an inexpensive bouquet of grocery-store flowers and sets it in a mason jar on the kitchen island. The flowers are not expensive, but they are evidence that he thought of her while running errands and remembered what she loves. Thinking about buying the flowers does not count; the action is what shows you care.
Why we hold back—and why we shouldn’t
One big reason people do not go first is a fear that the gesture will not be welcomed. Research out of Stanford suggests this fear is largely misplaced. Studying more than 5,000 undergraduate students, researchers identified what they call the “empathy perception gap”: people tend to underestimate how caring and supportive others are. Students guessed that about 87 percent of their peers would help someone having a hard time, but 96 percent said they would help themselves. When students began to recognize how warm others really are, they reached out more—and months later, their social networks had grown.
In other words, the barrier to more connection is usually not that people do not care. It is that everyone is waiting for someone else to go first.
• If someone tells you about an important event on Thursday, put a reminder in your calendar and wish them luck.
• If a friend has surgery next week, set a reminder and text them beforehand.
• If someone looks like they could use a friendly face, say hello and smile.
• If you hear good news about someone, tell them you are happy for them.
When someone feels remembered, included, and celebrated, they feel less alone.
3. Bring the Paper Plates
The third practice is learning to show up with support without being asked.
A licensed clinical therapist and author offers a simple piece of advice for helping a struggling friend: do not ask, “What do you need?” Asking how they are feeling is good, but when someone is overwhelmed, many people cannot answer that question—they may not even know what day it is. Instead, drop off paper plates, plastic cups, and plastic utensils. The last thing a person in the middle of a hard time needs is a sink full of dishes.
A package like that on a doorstep, with a kind note, sends a clear message: “I care about you. I don’t know what to do, so I’m doing this.” It works in the same way as dropping off a casserole for a new parent, or helping someone clean their kitchen or do their laundry.
The author describes being quite ill one summer while more than a dozen guests were staying at her home for an annual reunion. She spent the weekend in bed. Not one person came into the bedroom to ask what they could do. Instead, they cleaned the house, cooked meals, and walked the dogs. She did not have to ask for anything.
To practice this, put yourself in a similar situation and think about what you could do to show support without asking the person to tell you what they need. Sometimes, that simply means showing up and sitting with them.
A lesson from the bench
A beloved, now-deceased municipal court judge, who became widely known for his kindness, said a moment on his very first day on the bench shaped how he treated people for the next 30 years. A woman with four children had a boot on her car because of unpaid tickets. She told him she could not pay and needed to get her children to school. Newly elected and eager to assert his authority, he refused to remove the boot and postponed the case.
His father, who was watching from the courtroom, was not pleased. If she could not pay, how could she drive her children to school? What if she could not feed them that night? After that, the judge said, he took every person’s situation into consideration, trying to find out what was really going on and how his ruling would affect not just the individual but their whole family. He also recognized that the woman had been scared, and that her defensiveness came from fear.
The lesson applies well beyond the courtroom. Think about someone in your life who may be worried, going through a hard time, or celebrating something wonderful that you have not yet acknowledged. What could you do to make them feel understood, supported, and seen?
• If someone has their hands full, hold the door.
• If a coworker is buried in work, take something off their to-do list.
• If your child is crushed after not making the team, sit with them first. Before coaching, advising, or consoling, ask how they are doing.
4. Keep Waving
The fourth practice is to keep waving. The energy you put out tends to come back to you: the wave you give your neighbor is often the wave you receive in return. Someone has to wave first, but once you do, most people wave back.
A national news segment once told the story of a lonely four-year-old boy in North Carolina. His parents had separated, his father had moved to another state, and his grandparents lived far away. So he stood in his front yard and waved at every neighbor who walked by.
Eventually, a retired neighbor noticed the boy and walked across the street to introduce himself. They began spending time together. As the boy kept waving, other older neighbors began waving back, then showing up at his home. He invited them to his soccer games, swimming lessons, school open house, and birthday party—and they came. Before long, the boy had a group of “adopted grandparents,” and his mother said his loneliness was gone.
He was not the only one whose life changed. A dozen neighbors who might otherwise have barely known one another were now connected. Nobody did anything heroic. It all started with a wave.
That is how connection is built—not through big gestures you plan to make someday, but through small moments in which you show someone: I see you. I remember. What matters to you matters to me.
The Bottom Line
Think about the people you like most. The friend who remembers the appointment you mentioned three weeks ago. The barista who asks about your kids by name. The sibling who knows an anniversary will be hard this year. They are all practicing empathy—and the reason you like and trust them is how they make you feel.
The same is true in reverse. When you ask instead of guess, go first, show up with practical support, and keep waving, people tend to like you because of how you make them feel. And the benefits do not stop with them: making others feel seen, understood, supported, and celebrated tends to improve your own relationships and how you feel about yourself.
Empathy is not a substitute for professional care. If someone you care about shows signs of serious distress, encourage them to seek help from a qualified professional. But in everyday life, the opportunities are everywhere—about nine of them each day—to make someone else feel that they matter.
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