Helping Children Grow Through Play, Acceptance and Their Own Strengths

For school counselor Stephanie Lock, helping young children grow socially and emotionally often begins with something simple: play.

Lock holds a master’s degree in school counseling from SUNY New Paltz and has spent nearly 15 years working with preschool-aged children, particularly those with developmental, social and emotional needs. Her work includes individual and small-group counseling sessions, play therapy components, and strong collaboration with other team members present in the child’s life such as their teachers, other therapists, and parents.

“We meet them where they’re at,” Lock said. “We really want them to feel successful, because that’s how students are going to continue to grow; is if they first feel successful, and not like a failure.”

In a play-based setting, Lock helps children develop communication and social skills, including learning how to play appropriately with others. For children who are not yet using verbal language, she may incorporate sign language and visual support.

“We don’t expect the kids to know how to control their feelings,” she said. “They have big, strong feelings. They have big, strong sensory needs.”

For the best of our weekly content！

You are now signed up for our newsletter

Check your email to complete sign up

Play as a first language

Lock describes play as an important way for children to communicate, particularly when words are difficult.

“I always go back to a quote that I remember most: play is a child’s first language,” she said.

Rather than immediately asking a child to participate in an unfamiliar activity, Lock starts with what already interests them. A child may love bubbles, balloons, dinosaurs or cars. She uses that interest as a starting point, joining the child at their level and gradually introducing language, turn-taking and social interaction.

“I basically just meet them where they are at,” she said. “Whatever it is they enjoy doing.”

For example, while playing with a ball, she might introduce simple phrases such as “my turn, your turn.” With bubbles, she may use language such as “big bubble” or “little bubble.” Over time, she gradually adds more imaginative and social elements.

At home, she encourages parents to do something similar.

“Just get on their level, get real close to them, and just start mimicking what they’re doing, adding real positive language to it, and make it a really fun experience,” Lock said.

Play can also become a way to teach children about emotions. Lock uses puppets, feelings books and everyday situations to model emotional regulation. Parents can do the same while going about ordinary activities.

“If you are playing with them, great, continue to model those skills while you’re playing,” she said. “Maybe the tower falls down. ‘Oh, that really stinks. I was really hoping to make a big tower, but you know what? It’s not a big deal. I can ask for help, or I can build it again.’”

Focusing on strengths

Lock also emphasizes acceptance. She believes children should be supported in developing new skills without being made to feel that they need to become someone else.

“The answer isn’t to try to change them,” she said. “It’s really to try to meet them where they’re at, recognize their strengths and capitalize on that.”

That philosophy also inspired Lock’s children’s book, If Goldfish Were Bluebirds: A Story About Self-Acceptance. The book explores self-love and the tendency to compare ourselves with others.

The idea was partly sparked by a moment with her daughter, who became upset after seeing Lock’s newly highlighted hair and wishing her own hair were the same color.

“It was such a profound moment to remember how young kids (but even adults, right?) are constantly comparing themselves to others,” Lock said.

The experience became a reminder that “what other people do, what other people may be good at, does not mean you’re any lesser if you’re not as good in those individual areas.”

For parents whose children are developing differently, Lock said difficult emotions are valid and should not simply be dismissed.

“First acknowledge that these are normal feelings,” she said, adding that parents can then focus on their child’s strengths, seek support and continue learning.

Lock feels that education is power and that when caregivers feel more empowered they are likely to also feel less lost and overwhelmed. She also encourages parents to connect with local support groups and other families who understand their experiences.

Building a more accepting community

After years of working with children with different abilities, Lock said she has seen growing awareness and acceptance, but believes communities can continue to learn.

Parents whose children do not have special needs can also play a role, she said, by learning how to respond with empathy when children with different developmental needs participate in birthday parties, school activities or other community events.

“Adults are trying their best, parents are trying their best, children are trying their best,” Lock said. “But if they have different needs, different developmental levels that they’re at, there should be more of an acceptance for that, for sure, without judgment.”

For Lock, the goal is not simply to teach children new skills. It is also to help them recognize their own value.