My Musical Inspiration: "Nothing Compares to You"

Note: The following is Yu (Yu Menglong)'s spiritual message.

Continued from My Musical Inspiration: "The Mysterious Bird" (Part 2)

People who have endured years of abuse and sexual violation often carry with them an inescapable sense of filth and self-loathing.

I always felt unclean. Deep inside, I often despised myself. Especially after being violated, beaten, or forced to serve countless people, that feeling would become almost unbearable. The only time it disappeared was whenever my guardian angel appeared.

If I was truly as filthy as I believed myself to be, then why did she continue to protect me? Why did she never reject me or abandon me?

Long before, I had promised my guardian angel that no matter how much I suffered, I would never take my own life. Yet deep within my heart, the desire to escape through death never completely disappeared. The only thing stopping me was the promise I had made to her. I could not bring myself to break it.

One day, after an exhausting period of filming, television appearances, and nonstop promotional work, something suddenly went wrong with my body.

My nose began to bleed. The bleeding wouldn't stop. It happened every single day, until even the agents assigned to monitor me asked, "Do you have a terminal illness?"

Strangely, their words didn't frighten me. Instead, they filled me with an unexpected sense of relief—almost excitement. 

If I really were dying, that would be wonderful.

My death wouldn't be by my own hand. I wouldn't have broken my promise to my guardian angel, and at last I could be free.

After that thought entered my mind, the nosebleeds became even more frequent, and the bleeding grew heavier. I never asked to see a doctor, and the manager assigned to watch me certainly had no intention of taking me to a hospital. Instead, I found myself hoping my condition would worsen as quickly as possible.

Yet that hope filled me with overwhelming guilt. My guardian angel had protected me, encouraged me, and never once given up on me, while all I wanted was to escape through death.

That guilt became so overwhelming that whenever I was being abused, I no longer dared to call for her.

I was afraid I had disappointed her. I feared she would never come again. During that period, I was forced to serve more people than ever before. My sense of filth and self-hatred reached heights I had never known.

Despite all that suffering, I found myself wishing that my guardian angel would never appear again.

First, because someone as broken and defiled as I was—someone who longed only for death—was no longer worthy of her salvation.

Second, because I had begun to believe that the suffering I endured might somehow be transferred to her.

That was the last thing I ever wanted.

As time went on, my health continued to deteriorate. One day, while serving a member of China's Red Second Generation—the children of senior Chinese Communist Party leaders—I failed to appear "cooperative" enough. I didn't look willing, and that angered him.

He summoned more than a dozen others into the hotel suite where I had been serving him. Together, they sexually violated me while recording everything on video.

Most of the people I was forced to serve were high-ranking Chinese Communist Party officials, members of the Red Second Generation and Red Third Generation—the children and grandchildren of the Party's revolutionary elite—as well as people within their social circles.

Whenever they felt I hadn't pleased them enough—whenever I seemed insufficiently willing, or sometimes for no reason at all—they would gather a group of people to humiliate and sexually assault me as punishment.

It happened again and again.

That wasn't the only time I was sexually assaulted by a group. But it left the deepest wounds.

Because, out of guilt, I never called for my guardian angel.

As the relentless violence and sexual violation went on without end, I felt as though every trace of their darkness and corruption had been branded into the deepest part of my soul, just like all the countless humiliations I had endured before.

When it was finally over, I collapsed onto the floor, completely exhausted. Blood covered my body. My nosebleed had soaked the carpet crimson.

I kept telling myself, It's okay. It's okay. It's over now. But I couldn't fool either my heart or my body.

When they finally sent me back to the place where I was being kept under constant surveillance, I had barely stepped through the door before my stomach began violently churning. I rushed to the bathroom and vomited uncontrollably.

When it stopped, I collapsed onto the floor. Hearing the noise, my manager rushed in. What I had vomited wasn't food. It was blood. A great deal of blood.

He hurried me back to my room and called for a doctor. Even while they were treating me, I continued vomiting blood. Oddly enough, I wasn't afraid.

I found myself thinking that if all the filth and corruption inside me could flow away with my blood, then perhaps it would finally all be washed away. And if that were true... I almost wished every last drop of my blood would leave my body.

I closed my eyes. Before I lost consciousness, one final thought crossed my mind:

Perhaps this time... I can finally be free.

Then, suddenly, my guardian angel appeared again.

Although my eyes remained closed, I could still see that familiar golden-orange light.

She was crying. 

It was the first time I had ever seen her cry.

She had witnessed many of the unspeakable violations I had endured before, yet I had never once seen tears in her eyes. Whenever she appeared, it was to comfort me and heal my wounds. She rarely showed such powerful emotion.

She gently lifted my head into her arms, and I found myself wondering whether she was crying because she was angry with me.

After all, I had given myself over to despair. Deep down, I had never truly let go of my longing for death and release. If anyone had the right to be angry, surely she did.

Perhaps because I stood so close to death that day, for the first time I could truly feel what she was feeling.

She wasn't angry with me.

What flowed from her was endless heartbreak... and a love that seemed almost eternal. It wasn't the love between a man and a woman. It was the tender, unconditional love of a mother embracing her child.

Wrapped in that warmth—so beautiful that it brought tears to my eyes—I suddenly realized how foolish my fears had been. The thought that she might abandon me now seemed almost absurd.

She simply held my head in her arms, healing me while softly singing to me. Before long, I drifted off to sleep.

Normally, whenever she was with me, I treasured every moment of her presence. I always wanted to stay awake just a little longer so I could remain with her. Falling asleep was the last thing I wanted.

When I finally woke, I found myself lying in my bedroom. The floor was still covered in blood, but my guardian angel was gone.

A little later, my manager came into my room and reminded me that I had to get up early for filming. I quickly stood up, only to realize something strange. I wasn't dizzy. My legs weren't weak. Despite having lost so much blood, I felt none of the exhaustion that should have followed.

In fact, while filming that day, I felt more energetic than I had in a very long time.

Yet after that day, my guardian angel disappeared for what felt like an eternity. No matter how often I called out to her, she never came.

She would never abandon me. I believed that with all my heart.

If she wasn't appearing, my intuition told me there could only be one reason—

she had been hurt.

An overwhelming sense of guilt washed over me. I couldn't shake the feeling that it was my fault—that my selfishness, my cowardice, my irresponsibility, and my desire to give up had caused my guardian angel to suffer.

Deep inside, I knew that every irrational thought that led me to harm myself would eventually become pain that she had to bear instead.

I had forgotten that I still had a mission.

I had forgotten that there were still so many people waiting for me to save them.

I had forgotten that this world was my battlefield, and that I could not retreat.

More than anything, I wanted to tell her that I was wrong.

Truly wrong.

Never again would I allow myself to cling to the desire for death as a way of escape. With all my heart, I prayed that she would return. More than anything, I wanted to see my guardian angel again.

From that day forward, I made a decision.

I would no longer seek release through death.

Instead, I would live well, so that one day I could finally see her true face.

In my heart, I made her another promise:

I would keep living.

I would fulfill my mission.

And only after that, in another world, would I meet her openly and with honor.

The moment I made that decision, my guardian angel finally returned.

One day, Zhou Pin handed me another assignment. I finished it with astonishing speed. The next day, when I gave him the completed lyrics and melody, he stared at them in disbelief.

What I had written was nothing less than the story of everything I had been thinking and feeling during that period of my life.

萬物不如你 Nothing Compares to You

Original Lyrics & Music by 余夢龍 Yu Menglong

背負我這一身的流光 I bear this life aglow with streaming light.
不亂不慌 不悲不傷 Unshaken, calm, no grief in sight.
盡染洪荒 沒有你的目光 Though ancient worlds in colors bloom, without your gaze they fade too soon.
只剩下空蕩 Leaving only empty room.

經受我這一生的風霜 I’ve weathered every frost and storm.
不爭不搶 不失不忘 I neither grasp nor lose what’s sworn.
盡沐驕陽 沒有你的陽光 Though bathed beneath the blazing sky, without your sun the warmth runs dry.
空氣只留下熱浪 Only heat waves wander by.

萬物皆無光 只有你的眼明亮 All things lose their light; only your eyes shine bright.
隨心去遠方看看太陽 Follow your heart beyond the dawn, toward the sun’s first light.
滿目皆悲傷 只有你的眉上揚 Sorrow fills my sight; only your smile lifts me high.
等你對飲一碗夜光 I’ll wait to share a bowl of moonlit wine beneath the sky.

來時攜風雨 去時帶走了四季 You came with wind and rain, then stole the seasons all away.
你不在再好的風景皆無力 Without you, every splendid view has lost its sway.
開始洶湧來襲 後來絕塵而去 You rushed in like the raging sea, then vanished without a trace.
你不來 再美的天地都狼藉 If you don’t come, even heaven and earth become a broken place.

經受我這一生的風霜 I’ve weathered every frost and storm.
不爭不搶 不失不忘 I neither grasp nor lose what’s sworn.
盡沐驕陽 沒有你的陽光 Though bathed beneath the blazing sky, without your sun the warmth runs dry.
空氣只留下熱浪 Only heat waves wander by.

萬物皆無光 只有你的眼明亮 All things lose their light; only your eyes shine bright.
隨心去遠方看看太陽 Follow your heart beyond the dawn, toward the sun’s first light.
滿目皆悲傷 只有你的眉上揚 Sorrow fills my sight; only your smile lifts me high.
等你對飲一碗夜光 I’ll wait to share a bowl of moonlit wine beneath the sky.

來時攜風雨 去時帶走了四季 You came with wind and rain, then stole the seasons all away.
你不在再好的風景皆無力 Without you, every splendid view has lost its sway.
開始洶湧來襲 後來絕塵而去 You rushed in like the raging sea, then vanished without a trace.
你不來 再美的天地都狼藉 If you don’t come, even heaven and earth become a broken place.

Yu Menglong: 

The primary reason I have shared the stories of the abuse I endured is to expose the black industry chain.

I hope that my supporters—the Lemons, the Yu Family, and all who care about me—will not immerse themselves too deeply in those painful experiences, as doing so may cause emotional trauma of your own.

I fulfilled my mission. My guardian angel and I have already reunited in our world. So please do not grieve too deeply over the suffering I endured during my lifetime.

Continued in My Musical Inspiration: "Love Like Liuli (琉璃)"

Explore the complete collection of stories behind Yu's original music:

https://www.ganjingworld.com/collection/1ilf9v6tumi3bHSSitX6quX11i0p

Ending CCP Petition

Avaaz Petition for Yu Menglong